Awaken (2 page)

I know some professional photographers can charge up to eight hundred dollars a day. But there was no way I was going to ask her for that kind of money. I’m still new at this and not confident she’ll like my photos.
 
“Penelope, I think I might have given you the wrong impression. I'm just starting out, so I can't guarantee you'll love all the shots I take. I've been taking photos all my life, but only recently in a commercial-I'm-going-to-charge-you, kind of way.”

“That's cool,” Penelope said with a shrug. “Well, then how about we help each other out. You get some model shots of me for your portfolio, and I get some fashion shots for my book.”

“It's a deal,” I said with a smile.

“Groovy. So when can we do this?”

I shrugged. “You want to stop by Tuesday morning?”

“That works. I don't have to be at the cafe until late afternoon. See you Tuesday, Lacey.”

It looks like Tuesday I'll be doing my first model shoot. I'm so excited and nervous!

My mind went into overdrive today. The magnitude of why I was back in New York finally hit me, like a ton of bricks. Fear and doubt instantly gripped my throat. I went into a full-blown panic attack. I haven't had one in so long, not since my diagnosis. It was scary. I fell into a ball on my bedroom floor. I was making a big mistake, I kept thinking to myself. I should have stayed in recruiting instead of trying to become a photographer. I was making really good money before I left my job.

My heart and mind kept racing. What if I’m not good enough? What if nobody likes my work? Sure, I've always liked taking pictures, just like mom did, but doing this professionally is a whole different matter. It's a cutthroat world out there. The voice inside my head kept saying, “You’re not good enough,” over and over again.

All these doubts raced through my mind. I couldn't get them to stop. I took several deep breaths to try and calm myself, but that barely helped. I realized the only person who could talk me out of this panic attack was my dad.
 
I never should have come back to New York. I should have stayed in Ohio with him. I quickly dialed his phone number.

When he heard my panicky voice, he began talking to me in that reassuring tone he has. “Sweetie, after everything you've been through, it's only natural for you to feel this way.”

“I shouldn't have come back, Dad. I should have stayed in Cleveland with you.”

“Remember what you told me, Lacey?” he said. “You said your dream was to make it in New York. And you weren’t going to let a little thing like cancer stop you.”

“Well, then maybe I should go back to recruiting. I was really good at it, and I made such good money.”

“Remember what else you told me?”

“What?” I asked, tearing up a little.

“You told me the only good thing about getting cancer was that it made you realize you weren't living the life you wanted.”

“I know,” I cried into the phone.

“You've got to give this a shot, Lacey. You fought too hard not to live the life you deserve. You're only twenty-eight. You owe it to yourself, Honey,” he said.

I knew deep down that he was right. I just needed to be reminded. “I miss you, Dad,” I whispered softly into the phone.

“I'm only a phone call away, Sweetie. You know that.”

When I got off the phone with my dad, my panic attack had subsided. The next time I get one of these attacks, I have to do a better job of handling it on my own. I know my dad is always there for me, but he deserves a rest.

When I received my stage two diagnoses of breast cancer, all the doctors agreed that a double mastectomy was necessary. Since I was going to go through six months of hell, my dad urged me to come home so he could take care of me. I left New York and raced to Ohio. He helped me through the weeks of chemo and radiation, just like he had my mom. And when I recovered, he insisted I stay with him until I felt ready to take on the world again. It was a difficult decision saying goodbye to him, but I had to. When I was scared that I was going to die, just like mom, I prayed. I prayed to God that if I survived, I wouldn't squander the gift of life. I would live life to the fullest and not be scared to discover everything it had to offer.

So three years after my diagnosis, I'm back in New York. Ready to start a new life. I just have to remind myself that I didn't go through the hell of breast cancer to have something silly like the fear of failure, or not being good enough, stop me from pursuing my dream.

What a day! I woke up early to make sure my equipment was ready before Penelope arrived. I checked my Canon 5D and also inspected my backup camera. Everything was working properly.

I decided to use a 70-200mm lens today because I just love how much flexibility it offers. I can zoom in for a tight headshot or zoom out to get a full length shot without moving my camera. As a result, I was able to stay out of Penelope's personal space and kept the momentum of the shoot flowing.

I also used my new Elinchrom lights and softbox. They lit up my studio beautifully. A fan blowing from the corner provided a sense of motion in the photos. Many of the shots had a white backdrop, but I managed to get some great pictures of Penelope standing by the massive window with the Manhattan skyline in the background.
 

The morning flew by, and Penelope was a joy to work with. I felt a surge of energy that I can't remember feeling before. I was in my element. It made my panic attack yesterday feel overblown.

Penelope brought a bunch of different outfits for the shoot:
 
a maxi dress, an infinity scarf, white skinny jeans, a striped top, a sleeveless cardigan, and a classic little black dress.

“How do I look in this one?” she'd ask every time she slipped on a new outfit.

“Gorgeous,” I'd always reply, because I meant it. Penelope is beautiful, with a great body. She's not shy about it either. She didn't bother using the bathroom to change. She’d just strip down right in front of me and put on another outfit. And when I mean strip down, I mean all the way. Penelope isn't a fan of underwear.

“You can take some nude shots of me, if you want?”

I didn't know what to say. “Um, really?”

“Sure. I'm not shy.”

So I did. And Penelope wasn't lying when she said she wasn't shy. She even offered to spread her legs for me. I said it wasn't necessary, but she went ahead and did it anyway. And to be honest: The shot came out hot as hell.

I wish I had the courage to walk around naked like that in front of someone I didn't know. It must be easier when you have a body like Penelope's. She's got nice natural breasts - not too big, just the right size - and a curvaceous but slim figure. She also has a great ass.

I showed Penelope all the shots we took that morning on my Macbook. When we came to the nude shots, I said, “I won't use any of these. Don't worry. I'll just give them to you for your private collection.”

Penelope laughed. “No way, I look hot. Go ahead and use those shots. Use all of them. They look awesome. I look beautiful thanks to you. You've done such a great job.”

“Thanks,” I said. I could feel myself blushing a little. “You were really easy to work with,” I added. “And your boyfriend wasn't lying. I think you could really make it as a model.”

Penelope placed her hand on my shoulder. She gently squeezed it. “Lacey, I can't let you do all this for free. Let me at least treat you to lunch.”

“You don't have to do that,” I said as I closed the Macbook.

“I want to. We can drop down by the cafe where I work. Marco, the owner, is a cool guy. He'll totally comp lunch for the both of us. And the food is really good. What do you say?”

“Okay,” I said with a shrug. “Let me just break down my equipment.”

“I’ll help,” Penelope offered.

After we put away the lights and other equipment, we went out for lunch. The cafe where Penelope works, Cafe Libretto, is a cute place three blocks away from our building. Marco was there and gave us a table by the window. Penelope recommended I try the truffled mac and cheese with sweet potato fries.

“It's the bomb,” she said.

Over lunch, Penelope and I got to know each other better. She's been living in New York for two years. She's originally from Minneapolis and always wanted to live in the city. She's been dating her boyfriend, Nico, for a year, and they really like each other. He's a successful real estate agent and a few years older than her. Penelope is twenty-five. She asked me about myself and what brought me to New York. I told her I came to New York right out of college but then left when I was her age. Then I told her about my battle with breast cancer and my double mastectomy.

Penelope nodded. “Cancer's a bitch. My mom got breast cancer a few years ago. It was really tough watching her go through that. Not to mention scary.”

She then took my hand and squeezed it. “Well, welcome back to New York. The city is lucky to have you,” she said with a smile.

It's funny, even though I've only just met Penelope, I can't help but feel really comfortable around her.

Penelope asked me what I did in New York before I left.

“I was a recruiter for West Group,” I told her.

“I've heard of them,” Penelope said. “They helped my friend, Trish, get a job. Did you like working there?”

I sighed. “It was nice knowing my job involved finding people work. I was helping people better their lives. But I’ve always had this creative side I wanted to explore. And when I got diagnosed, I made a promise to myself: If I survived, I would live the life I always wanted.”

“So photography has always been a passion of yours?” Penelope asked.

I nodded. “Yep. My mom and I both loved it. When I was younger she would always take me to photography exhibits.”

“Well, your mom must be really excited for you.”

I told Penelope how mom passed away eight years ago. It was just dad and I now. Then I confessed; I felt guilty leaving dad behind in Cleveland to pursue this new career in New York.

“That's understandable,” said Penelope. “But I'm sure your dad wants to see you happy, especially after everything you’ve been through.”

Penelope ordered two glasses of champagne so we could toast.

“What are we toasting too?” I asked.

“To a new life and a new friendship,” declared Penelope with a smile. She leaned forward and clinked my glass.

As I'm writing this down, I realize today was probably one of the best days of my life. I feel hopeful and excited about my future. Something I haven't felt in a really long time.

Penelope knocked on my door this afternoon, and it was really awkward.

“Hey, what are you doing later tonight?”

I shrugged. “I don’t have any plans, why?”

Penelope shot me a coy look. “Nico and I are going to a club we really like, and I was wondering if you want to come?”

“Gosh, I haven't been to a club in so long,” I said. “I don't even know what kind of music they play these days.”

“It's not that kind of club,” said Penelope with a smirk. “Although they do play music… It's a sex club.”

“Oh,” I said. I can't imagine what my face looked like when she said the words “sex club.” It must have been quite amusing because Penelope started laughing.