Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (20 page)

A tear leaks out onto Nick’s pillow at the thought of stepping back. I’ve prayed so hard for him, especially over the last several months when I realized he was getting worse again. The thought of not seeing him anymore causes my heart to constrict in my chest. I know I’ll see him around town from time to time, but I’ll try my best to stay away. Having me around isn’t something he wants, so I’ll give him that.

I clutch his pillow tighter to my face and chest and let a few more tears fall. Nick still grieves over losing his Anna. And I’ll start grieving over giving Nick up. Having never had him in the first place, I would think it would be easy, that I would simply grieve and then move on. But for some unknown reason I don’t think it will be. Nick is special. I know he is. Anyone who knows him knows he is. Anna was very lucky to have him and if he ever decides he wants a relationship with another woman, that woman will be lucky as well.

I take a deep breath and pull my face back from the pillow, but I don’t release it. I still hug it, needing the comfort it gives me. It’s just a pillow, but it’s his pillow and it has his scent.

That’s how I fall asleep: his pillow, with his scent, clutched to my chest like a lifeline.

I wake the next morning to a quiet house. I release the death grip I have on Nick’s pillow and reach over to grab my phone from the nightstand to check the time. I scramble out of bed when I see it’s already ten o’clock. I set my alarm for seven, but I guess I was so tired I slept through it. I have a missed message from Jaxon telling me to be ready at ten thirty. That leaves me thirty minutes. I don’t have much here, so that won’t be a problem. I send him a short message telling him I’ll be ready.

Done with the bathroom, I slip on a pair of jeans and a plaid button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbows. All I have here is my ballet flats, so I slide my feet into those next.

I’m gathering the rest of my stuff when I realize I don’t hear Nick working out front. I quickly stuff the rest of my things in my bag and carry it to the living room. Throwing it on the couch, I walk to the door and open it, fully expecting to see Nick on the porch taking a break or something. What I don’t expect is to not see his truck in the driveway. My breath catches in my throat and I have to force the tears back. I’ve prepared myself for finally giving in and letting Nick go, but I thought I still had this morning. I wanted to talk to him one more time, wanted to look into his eyes one last time, just to see if anything at all was there. But he’s not here. Did he know I was leaving and decided to not be here when I left?

My stomach twists in knots with that thought. I wrap my arms around my middle and take a few deep breaths to stop the sick feeling there. He could have simply left for something in town, maybe supplies or food, but I doubt it. We bought food the other day, and I still see plenty of wood and nails on the porch.

I quietly close the door and wipe away the few tears that managed to slip free. I walk to the couch, take a seat, and clutch my hands in my lap. I didn’t realize how much I needed it, but I
did
need those few minutes I thought I would have with him before I left. I won’t have that now. He’s gone, and I know he won’t be back until after I’ve left. I know deep down he’s not here on purpose. That he somehow figured out I was leaving this morning.

I sit there and stare off into space until I hear crunching on the driveway. I get up and dash to the door, my heart pounding, hoping it’s Nick. When I see Jaxon getting out of his truck, my hope dies a quick death.

I leave the door open and walk listlessly back to the couch for my bag. I leave Nick a short note, thanking him for letting me stay, even knowing he’ll be happy that I’m gone.

Jaxon’s waiting on the porch, looking at all the progress Nick’s made, when I make it back to the door. I lock it from the inside and pull it closed.

“Where’s Nick?” he asks, and grabs my bag from me.

“I don’t know,” I tell him with a shrug.

His jaw hardens when he sees the hurt in my eyes I know I’m not able to hide.

I drop my gaze and walk off the porch toward his truck. He doesn’t say anything as we both climb inside. I take one last look at Nick’s house as we pull away, knowing that it’ll be the last time I see it. Also knowing I’m leaving a vital part of myself behind.

Nick

I put the can of kerosene in the back of my truck and make my way around to the driver side. I have the door halfway open when I hear laughter coming from across the street. I look across the hood and see Ethan and a pregnant Karyn walking up the steps of Jaxon’s. The music from the jukebox filters out as they make their way inside. I hesitate getting in my truck. Not because of the pull of alcohol; I don’t drink because I crave the taste, I drink to help numb my nightmares. Nightmares that went silent when Chris was in the house, except that first night. Nightmares that came back full force the day she left.

Before she came to my house they were always bad and started and ended the same: A memory of Anna and me happy together and then her dying in my arms. Once Chris left, they changed. It scared the shit out of me the first night I had one.

It started the same as normal. Anna and I were lounging on the couch talking about baby names. We had a game where we would each throw first names into one bowl and the middle name into another bowl. We’d each pick one from each and tell the other what we came up with. I got Declan Adele and she got Greta James. The combinations were so ridiculous, so we switched them around to Declan James and Greta Adele, the last still sounding silly to me, but Anna loved it. The dream changed, but instead of Anna lying bloody and bruised in my arms, it was Chris. She stared up at me with lifeless eyes, her body limp and cold.

I woke up yelling Chris’s name. I must have been yelling for a while, because my throat was raw afterwards. My stomach was cramping, my palms were sweaty, my breaths were heavy, and my whole body shook.

I didn’t try to go back to sleep after that. I was too freaked and wired to attempt it. Instead, I got up and went to the room in the basement. Chris has been gone four days and every dream I’ve had since then always ends with her being the one in my arms as she dies.

The temptation to drink is there, but that’s not why I close my truck door and walk toward Jaxon’s. I head that way in hopes of a distraction. Something to keep my mind off my damn dreams and what they mean.

It’s Friday night, so when I pull open the door, I’m met with raucous laughter. I walk toward the bar and take one of the remaining two seats available. Jaxon and Mia are behind the counter serving patrons. When Jaxon sees me sitting there, he narrows his eyes at me. I ignore his disdainful look and turn in my seat. I may be here looking for a distraction, but that doesn’t mean I want to put up with Jaxon’s constant lectures on my life.

Looking out across the room, I spy Jesse, Ethan, Karyn, and Jase over by the pool tables. Each has a beer in hand, except Karyn, who looks to be drinking water. Over in one corner sits Nitra, two of her friends, and a couple of guys I don’t recognize. Several people are out on the dance floor, gyrating their hips to the music, and most of the tables are filled.

I used to enjoy coming here to hang out with my friends, but lately I’ve felt like an outsider looking in. Everyone else has moved on, but I’m still stuck in place, never moving forward. I know everyone was hurt when we lost Anna, but I’m the only one who can’t get over it.

I feel movement at my side and turn to see Andrew sit beside me.

“Hey, handsome,” he says, and rests his elbows back on the bar. “What brings you to our neck of the woods? Thought you forgot about us.”

I grit my teeth and hold back my retort, knowing it’s my own fault he feels that way.

“Just thought I’d come sit for a bit. It’s been a while.”

“It has. As hot and moody as your ass is, we’ve missed it.”

I look over at him and see he has his eyes trained on Jase, who is currently lining up his shot. Jase must feel his gaze because he lifts his head and gives him a wink. When he sees me, his eyes grow hard for a second before he gives me a chin lift.

“Your man doesn’t like me much,” I inform Andrew.

He laughs and leans toward me. “Can’t say I blame him. It’s not like you’re treating his sister like the precious gem she is.”

“No. Guess not,” I mutter.

Andrew’s silent beside me for several beats, before he asks quietly, “You good?”

It takes me a minute to answer him, and I don’t know if my answer is honest or not, but I tell him, “Yeah.”

“Good. Keep it that way.” He slaps me on the back and gets up from his stool. “Now, I’ve got a man over there who needs my attention. Talk later.”

He takes off toward the pool tables, his eyes focused solely on the man now leaning against the wall watching him with blatant heat. I have nothing against Andrew and his sexual preferences, never have, but I don’t need to see them eye fucking each other either.

I turn back in my seat to face the bar again just as Mia walks up.

“You’re not here for a drink, right? Because you should know, we’re not serving to you,” she says, looking right at me without blinking.

Shit
. The woman can be harsh sometimes, but I guess that’s my fault too. It’s fuzzy, but one of the last times I was here, I know I was an ass.

“No drink, Mia. Just water, please,” I rumble across the bar at her.

With relief on her face, she nods, grabs a glass, and fills it with water.

Setting it down in front of me, she leans her short frame on the bar and gives me a smile.

“Missed you. It’s good to see you out and about.”

I reach over, tug a piece of her hair, and tip my lips up at her. “Missed you, too.” And I have. As much as I like being alone these days, I also miss my friends. I didn’t realize how much until I walked in here tonight. Guilt eats at me with the thought of pushing these people away. I never realized how much doing that would hurt them.

Jaxon walks up to us and Mia straightens.

“What’s up?” he asks, eyeing the glass on the bar in front of me. When he sees what’s inside, some of the tension on his face relaxes, but not completely.

“Just water, Jaxon.” I still feel the need to reassure him. I know it’s only out of concern that he’s worried what I’m drinking. I did this to everyone. I made everyone doubt me.

“That’s good.” He nods and walks off.

I watch him, brows pulled low, until Mia speaks again and brings my attention back to her.

“So, I’ve heard you started on your porch. How is it looking?”

I clear my throat and look down at the bar. Everyone knows why I haven’t done anything with the house yet. I’m not completely comfortable talking about it, but I know they’ll be curious. The house was to be a big part of Anna’s and my life.

“It’s finished and looking good. I’m gonna start painting tomorrow.”

“That’s great. Let me know if you need any help. I’m sure Mac wouldn’t mind if we came over to lend a hand. Might do Trent some good. Keep his mind off things.”

I watch as a cloud of anger washes over Mia’s face. I reach across the bar and grab her hand.

“Hey, how’s he doing?” I ask.

It wasn’t too long ago that we found out that Trent isn’t biologically Mac’s son, that he’s actually Mac’s long-lost fucker of a brother’s son. They also found out that Trent’s mom, Tessa, someone who’d been obsessed with Mac for years, raped Mac when they were younger by doping him up with Rohypnol. It turned out Shady, Mac’s brother, and Tessa were in cahoots to break Mac and Mia up from the beginning. When Mac finally told Mia the truth of what happened all those years ago, Tessa found out and she and Shady both tried again to keep them apart, going so far as threatening Trent if he didn’t help. Tessa and Shady kidnapped Mac and Mia, drugged Mac with Rohypnol again, and they were going to rape them both. Luckily Jaxon and I got there before it could happen.

Trent doesn’t know Mac isn’t his father. He just knows his mom is screwed in the head and he was only ever just a ploy to try to get Mac back with her. Last I heard he was coping, but I know it still has to hurt his little eleven-year-old heart, knowing his mom never cared for him.