Awakenings - SF1 (31 page)

"I think we are ready to eat. Hungry?" she asked needlessly.

"I was hungry when I got here. But smelling that lasagna cook has put me into a whole new classification of hunger. It's beyond famished...bordering on starvation, I believe."

"Then have a seat and get ready. I'll take the lasagna out so it can cool for a minute." She went to the oven and pulled out the pan, using hot pads. Ryan did not sit down as instructed, but trotted right behind Jamie, looking over her shoulder, mouth watering.

"God, Ryan, you look like a hungry wolf with a wounded animal in its sights," she said of Ryan's intense gaze.

"That's exactly how I feel at the moment," she replied, never taking her eyes from their bubbling target. "I think I'm willing to risk the burns to my mouth to eat that right now," she threatened as she leaned over her prey.

But Jamie grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her firmly around to face the kitchen table. She gave her a little push and said firmly, "Sit. Now."

Ryan complied, grumbling the whole time. "Would a Caesar salad placate you for a few minutes?" Jamie asked, taking pity on the poor creature.

"I suppose," she moaned as she let out an aggrieved sigh.

Jamie filled two salad bowls and deposited them on the table. Ryan dug in and in moments her face became a study of various levels of pleasure. She started at mere happiness and by the fourth bite had progressed to ecstasy. "My God, this is good," she moaned from her state of bliss. "You have ruined me for life, Jamie. All other Caesar salads will be but pale imitations. I'll never be satisfied with another!"

"Then you'll just have to come here when you need a fix," Jamie replied, terribly pleased at the effusive compliments.

Ryan mopped up every bit of dressing with a piece of crunchy Italian bread. "Is it considered rude to lick the salad bowl?" she asked.

"There is just a tiny bit left, but I don't want you to be too full for your entrée," Jamie warned.

"My physiology is just like a cow," Ryan informed her. "I have six stomachs, all in different stages of digestion. I'll just put the entree in another stomach." She was already on her feet, moving toward the salad bowl. As she passed the cooling lasagna, she leaned down and gave it a hearty sniff. "You're next," she growled.

Jamie laughed heartily at her antics. Ryan was so full of life, so immersed in the pleasure of whatever she was involved in that it was impossible not to enjoy being with her. Jamie thought of all the women that Ryan had been with and felt a little sorry for them. She knew how much they must crave further contact, and how few of them got that wish. She considered herself very lucky to be able to be close to Ryan and receive so much of her time.

Ryan was polishing off the remnants of the salad right from the serving bowl. She used more bread to capture every bit of dressing and every tiny green leaf that tried in vain to escape.

"I don't think I have ever met anyone who enjoys food as much as you do. You just seem so immersed in the whole experience. It's fun to watch!"

Ryan's face grew serious. "Honestly, that's my whole philosophy of life, Jamie. I try to be fully involved in whatever I'm doing. The simplest task is made beautiful if I'm fully in it. When I eat I try to feel it with every sense. I try to really taste and smell the food. That's why I love to eat with my hands. I love the feel and the texture of food. I love to look at food before I eat it. I love the colors and variety of textures. I even really enjoyed the crunch the croutons in the salad made." She grinned up at Jamie from a slightly embarrassed smile. "I know that sounds kinda nutty, but that's how I approach life."

"That is the least nutty thing I've ever heard," Jamie replied. "You're really teaching me a lot about savoring life, Ryan, and I want you to know how grateful I am for that," she said simply.

"I didn't realize that Jamie, but I'm glad it's helpful for you. I made up my mind when I was a teenager that I wasn't going to let life pass me by. I knew that every day we have is a gift and I intend to make the most of those gifts."

"Well, speaking of gifts," Jamie said as she rose and walked to the counter, "Happy Birthday, Ryan." She lit the candle that she had placed in the lasagna and carried the large pan to the table. She leaned over her shoulder and gave her a small kiss on her flushed cheek.

Ryan was truly stunned. "How did you know?" she asked delightedly. "I'm sure I didn't tell."

"No you didn't, you big dope. And I'm a little miffed I had to find out from Conor."

"You know, you're right Jamie. I should have told you. I usually spend the day with my family and sometimes I forget to include other people. I kind of hate to have a big deal made out of it, but I should have included you. I'm really glad that Conor told you."

Jamie served up a steaming plate of the lasagna and Ryan took a hearty bite. She was silent as she closed her eyes, deep in concentration. Jamie could just imagine each of her senses kicking in, feeling and tasting and smelling the delectable bite.

"If I didn't believe in God before today, I would now. This," she waved another forkful of the dish at Jamie, "is a clear sign that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

"I'm so glad I could make you something that you enjoy so much," Jamie replied as she tried to control her beaming smile.

"I have eaten lasagna at least 200 times in my life. I order it every time it's on the menu. But I can truly say, I've never tasted lasagna before today."

Jamie just grinned in response.

They ate in silence for a few minutes to allow Ryan to concentrate. Finally, she looked up from her plate. "I need to know how you made this. There is nothing about this that I recognize, not the noodles, not the sauce, nothing! Most of the time lasagna is heavy and overly rich. This is just so light and delicate tasting."

Jamie explained the entire process, while Ryan watched her in rapt fascination. Finally she shook her head and locked her clear blue eyes on her friend and asked, "You did that all just for my birthday?"

"Yep. And I'd do it again in a minute to see you enjoy yourself so much," she replied truthfully.

"Do you cook like this for Jack?" Ryan asked after a moment, a bit off topic.

"I do cook for him, but I don't think I've ever done anything very elaborate. He doesn't care about food a lot. He thanks me for cooking, but in the same way he thanks me for vacuuming. I think he eats to live, and that's about it."

"Well, anytime you need an enthusiastic taste tester, you know where to find me."

"I'll keep your name on file," Jamie replied with a grin

After Ryan had eaten much more than Jamie thought wise, they sat together in the living room with large cups of cappuccino. "Is there anything you don't cook well?" Ryan asked as she sipped her coffee.

"I'm sure I've screwed up my share of meals. I just had a good day," she replied. "But I must admit, cooking for an appreciate audience is really pleasurable."

"If I were any more appreciative I'd be on the phone to the Vatican petitioning you for early sainthood," Ryan said.

"I was thinking about the teen talk line," Jamie said after a few minutes. "Yvonne said you were the volunteer who logged the most hours. When did that happen, and how did you get involved?"

Ryan was silent for a few moments. She looked down at the floor as she said softly, "It's a long, sad story. Are you sure you want to hear it?"

"Only if you want to talk about it," Jamie replied.

"I like to reflect on my life on my birthday. It's a good way to appreciate all of the gifts I've been given. So I don't mind. But I guess I've got to go back to high school to make it make sense. Did I ever tell you about Sara?" When Jamie shook her head, Ryan continued. "She was my best friend all through grammar and high school. It was kind of like the caller you helped the other night. I was totally in love with her. She was my whole world. I have never felt like that about anyone--before or since," she admitted, her hooded eyes dark.

"I went to an all girls Catholic high school. I knew that I was different from my friends but it didn't bother me. I thought I was just unique," she said as she gave Jamie a crooked little grin. "I didn't ever have a crush on a guy or have any desire to go out with one. Luckily we didn't have the pressure of having guys around all the time, so the issue was never forced. I honestly never considered that I might be gay, though. I just thought I was...me I thought everyone had crushes on their girlfriends and teachers. I honestly thought everyone scheduled their week around 'Cagney and Lacey'," Ryan said with a small laugh at the memory.

Jamie didn't understand the reference but she nodded to encourage Ryan to continue.

"Anyway, as the years passed I began to feel more than close to Sara. I wanted to be 'with her', even though I didn't really know what that meant or how to go about it. I was really naive when it came to sex. That was one area that Da did a crummy job with. And the boys were certainly no help. It might have been different if I was a little worldlier but my whole universe was sports and Sara. I didn't watch TV very often or go to many movies or participate much in community events so I was just not clued into lesbianism."

"You must have been so confused," Jamie empathized.

"In a way I was, but in another way I assumed Sara felt just like I did. We were so close it was like we shared a soul." Ryan dropped her head a little, but continued. "I was finding the temptation overwhelming just to touch or kiss Sara. She was all that I thought about. I wanted to let her know how I felt, but I was so confused about what this thing was, that I didn't feel able to."

Jamie nodded to encourage Ryan to continue.

"One night I was staying over at Sara's. We did that a lot. It was the end of my junior year. She was a year older and she had already decided to accept a soccer scholarship at Cal. Her graduation was in a couple of weeks and she was going to go to a soccer camp in San Diego as soon as school was over. I was panicked at the thought of her going away and I let my fear of losing her override my fear of expressing myself."

Jamie cringed, knowing right where this was heading.

"We got into bed and I started talking. I told her that I didn't think I could live without her. I told her everything--how much I wanted her, how I dreamed about her, how she meant everything to me. She was kind of quiet, but I thought she agreed. After a minute I reached for her and I kissed her. I had never kissed another person in my life and it was kind of overwhelming," here she shook her head and stared at the floor.

"I was shaking so hard she must have heard my teeth chattering but I could tell she was nervous too. But God, Jamie," here she took a deep breath and let her head drop back against her shoulders. "Nothing since has ever felt that good to me."

"I thought she was enjoying it as much as I was," she said with a rasp in her voice. "No, I know she was enjoying it. I know it," she said firmly as she closed her eyes tightly.

Jamie had moved closer to her for comfort. She didn't touch her, but she was so close she could feel the heat radiating off her body.

"In my fumbling, terrified way I continued on. I don't know where I got the courage but I got more and more aggressive. I guess all those years of yearning for her propelled me forward. I explored every inch of her body with my hands. After a long time of totally tender touches we began to get more passionate. And it wasn't just me. She didn't touch me intimately but she kissed me with so much emotion..." Ryan closed her eyes again stared up at the ceiling. "I can still taste her lips," she whispered as she shook her head and took in a deep breath. She seemed on the verge of tears but she gathered herself and continued on. "Eventually I discovered what she liked and brought her to orgasm. I cannot tell you how that made me feel, Jamie. I can honestly say that was the happiest moment of my young life. I felt closer to her than I thought possible. I had used my hands and my body to give her such pleasure. She seemed so satisfied, and a few moments later she kissed me with so much love in her eyes. As she fell asleep in my arms, I held on to her with all the strength and the tenderness that I possessed."

Ryan blew out a big breath and Jamie steeled herself for the inevitable.

"I didn't sleep much that night. It felt so wonderful to be that close to her. I can't describe it as anything other than feeling like I was finally home. I watched her sleep and occasionally would give her a light kiss. I was planning our lives together. I decided that night that when I followed her to Cal we would live together and start our lives together," she smiled sadly at the memory.

"In the morning, Mrs. Andrews came to wake us up. Sara acted very flustered when her mom was there and I figured she was uncomfortable about us getting caught. She came up with some lame excuse and told me she had to go somewhere with her mother. I felt a little funny about it, but I wasn't really worried. I should have been. That was the last conversation we ever had."

Jamie sat in the still room with her hand on Ryan's knee. She knew the depth of the hurt, could see it on Ryan's face, and hear it in her voice. But she had no words to heal the old pain. Instead, she just patted Ryan's knee in sympathy and understanding.

"She would not return my phone calls. On Monday at school she would not even make eye contact with me. I honestly almost lost my mind that day. After school I went to her house. Her mom told me that she didn't want to see me anymore. She asked me to never call their house again."