Away From You (Back To You Book 2) (23 page)

Things seemed like they were getting back to normal
between us. I felt more normal than I had when I’d first gotten back, anyway.
Even sitting down to eat with my wife had been a delicate task back then. I snapped
at her for stupid things and generally felt miserable, judged, and broken. It
was definitely better now. I’d missed staring into her pretty eyes while we
joked and laughed. I’d missed my wife.

“Listen,” I held up a finger, “this is supposed to
be about getting to know one another as adults. You can’t make fun of me for
things you’ve learned after being with me for years.”

“Fair enough. Enjoy your omelet.”

“Thank you.”

Olivia grinned at me and turned back to her menu.
Even the prospect of bringing up that awful night couldn’t spoil how good it
felt to be with her again. I still stood behind my decision to take a break
while I figured out my shit, but I’d be lying if I said it was easy to stay
away from her. Sitting here now, I felt stronger and more put-together. That
was the goal, so it was all worth it. Now I just wanted her to come home.

The waitress appeared and Olivia stifled a laugh as
she placed her order. “I’ll have the breakfast special, please.”

“And how would you like your eggs?” The young girl
taking our order asked.

“Scrambled,” I interjected with a wink at Olivia.

“Yes, scrambled,” she confirmed when the server
looked to her for her approval.

The girl was obviously puzzled but still smiled.
“And would you like toast or an English muffin?”

Again, I chimed in. “Toast. White.”

Like before, the server looked to Olivia for
confirmation and she nodded. “Okay, and bacon or sausage?”

Olivia just gestured to me, her expression
challenging.

“Bacon, obviously.” I deadpanned. “And make the
hash browns a little on the crispy side. Not burnt though, or she won’t eat
them.”

The waiter looked incredibly confused, but wrote
everything down. “Are you going to order for him, now?”

She shook her head. “No, I think he’s got it
covered.”

I gathered our menus and handed them over. “Chicken
fried steak, please.”

Olivia

Breakfast for dinner was definitely an underrated
concept. “We need to do this more often.”

Matt furrowed his brow. “Go out to eat? Because
this is the fourth date night in like two weeks. I’m gonna go broke pretty
soon.”

“No,” I laughed. “Breakfast for dinner. We don’t
have to go out to eat, we can make it at home too.”

As I said the words, I realized that we hadn’t
discussed me moving back in yet. It was my idea to take things slow but it was
hard to remember that when sitting across the table from my husband. It may
have been months since we’d lived together, but being here with him now took away
that part and made me think of home. I poked at my eggs, not sure what to say
or if he would notice my slip-up.

“Liv, that’s something I think we should talk
about.”

“Breakfast for dinner?” I asked, though I knew what
he was referring to.

He shook his head, putting down his fork and
folding his hands behind his plate. “No, home. Or, having you at home, that
is.”

“If you’re not ready for that yet, I’d understand.”

His brow crinkled. “Are you ready for it?”

I paused. “I’m not sure.”

“This should have been talked about sooner, I know,
but I’m really sorry about what happened that night at Mike’s house. I don’t
have any excuses for you, but just know that I regret it and I’m sorry.”

I pursed my lips. I’d been trying to forget about
the way he’d acted that night. This exact conversation had played in my mind a
million times in the months we were apart. I imagined him apologizing and the
various reactions I could have to it. Sometimes I’d imagined myself letting him
have the full force of my emotions from that night. In those scenarios, there
was no way he was going to get off the hook for embarrassing me like that and
spitting on our marriage like it was nothing. Other times, I would brush off
his apology and say it was no big deal just for the sake of keeping those
emotions buried.

“Liv?” Matt asked when I hadn’t spoken for a few
minutes.

“I’m just thinking. It’s just a lot, you know? That
night was… a lot.”

He hung his head. “I know.”

“Look, I could sit here and pour my heart out to
you about how hurt I was, but I think you know me well enough to know that
already. I don’t think it’ll help either one of us for me to dredge up those
feelings.”

Matt took my hand. “I do know how much that hurt
you. And it kills me that I did that to you. If I could take it back, I would.”

“I know, babe.” I squeezed his hand. “I think that
was rock bottom for you, and while I’m not
glad
it happened, I am glad that you wound up actually seeking help afterwards.
I didn’t know what else to do for you and we were in a really bad place. It
really might have been for the best that you took that time to work on you.”

“You have no idea how much it means to me to hear
you say that.”

I shrugged. “I was always behind you on this, hurt
or not. All I wanted was for you to get better. I couldn’t imagine what you
were dealing with, and until you told me what happened, I was totally in the
dark. I just wanted you back, Matt.”

“I can’t say that you have me back, even now. I
might never be the same person I was before. That day in Afghanistan was… well,
it changed me.”

He looked so sad and defeated I wanted to cry for
him and everything he’d been dealing with. He’d voluntarily joined the
military, of course, but in this day and age no one ever expected to see
combat. It was always a possibility, but not a guarantee like in generations
past. While it was regularly at the back of our minds that our loved ones could
see action, we were pretty sheltered from it all living in America.

“We are going to grow and change from our
experiences for the rest of our lives. I don’t expect you to be the same guy
that you were before you went on that deployment. But from now on just don’t
shut me out.”

He looked up. “Babe. That time apart wasn’t to shut
you out, I just needed space to figure things out.”

I held up a hand. “I’m not talking about our break.
I’m talking about before that. You checked out of our marriage long before we
actually went our separate ways. I wanted to help you and you shut me out. I
know it was just part of the PTSD, but I’m asking that in the future you let me
help you. And if I can’t help you, at least let me know what’s going on or how
you’re feeling so that I don’t feel alone in my own house.”

“I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

“So, when do you want to come home?”

I hesitated. “This dating thing is going really
well. But I think your doctor was right about how if we just jump right back
into things we might fall into old patterns again. I’m not gonna lie to you, as
much as I knew that you didn’t mean me any harm, there were times that I was
kind of… afraid. Maybe not afraid that you were going to actually hurt me, but
just afraid of what you might do or say.”

“I know. I felt like everyone looked at me like I
was a time bomb about to explode.”

My lips pursed to one side. “I’m sorry about making
you feel that way.”

“Don’t apologize, it was kind of true. I was always
ready to explode. And to be honest, I was just as worried about exploding on
you as you were of it happening. I just felt really tense and on edge all the time.
I didn’t want to snap at you, and I felt bad afterwards, but I guess I was just
too stubborn and prideful to actually do anything to show you that. At least,
that’s what Dr. Brann said.”

I looked away. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty. Looking
back, there are a lot of things I wish I could do differently. Maybe I could
have…”

Matt shook his head. “Don’t. Let’s not go down that
road. Trust me, we don’t have time to play the ‘coulda, shoulda, woulda’ game.
Let’s just move forward, okay?”

*

The upbeat country music and blinding lights on the
dance floor were enough to make anyone forget about their troubles for a little
while. I line-danced in between Ellie and Catherine, grinning as we belted out
the lyrics to the cheesy 80’s country medley the DJ had whipped up. Ellie’s
bachelorette party had a great turnout and I could tell she was pleased. There
were a couple of girls she went to high school with, Candace, Amy, and Nicole
from the spouse BBQ, two of Ellie’s cousins, and Jo, the female Marine we’d met
at the ball.

The medley ended and it seemed like a good time to
take a break from dancing for a few minutes and socialize. We made our way back
to the long table that I’d had them reserve for our group and ordered another
round of drinks. Being that we’d chartered a party bus for the occasion, I was
letting loose and drinking hard.

“This is amazing, thank you girls for coming!”
Ellie addressed the table. “And a special thanks to you two for putting it all
together!”

Catherine and I raised our glasses in toast and I
grinned at my best friend. “It was our pleasure!”

“We couldn’t be happier for you,” Catherine added,
clinking her glass to Ellie’s.

“So, this is the second stop of the night. We
figured we should spend another thirty minutes or so here and then move on. Is
that cool with you, Bride-to-be?” I asked.

“There’s more? Hell yeah that’s cool with me!” She
squealed.

Ellie was the picture perfect bachelorette in her
white lacy dress and cowgirl boots. The sash across her chest read, “Gettin’
Hitched
,” and was handmade by Catherine. Instead of a tiara,
she had daisies in her hair. It was perfect since the bridesmaids would be
wearing a similar ring of daisies in the wedding.

The whole bachelorette party was themed to match
her wedding, in fact. Catherine and I figured that a boots and bling themed
shower would be the best way to compliment her style and still be fun and
girly. The bus was adorned with a ton of handmade decorations that had really
helped to take my mind off of Matt before we’d started ‘dating.’ There were
garlands of paper boots with glitter on them and a sign that read, “Cheers
Y’all!” We’d stocked the bus with beer in a can to go with the party favors
– beer koozies that were customized with Ellie’s bachelorette party info
and had each attendee’s name on it. All in all, it was definitely
Pinterest-worthy; a fact that I knew Ellie would appreciate.

“So, Jo,” Ellie started, “it’s good to see you
again! I was so glad we were at the same table during the ball. That was such a
fun night.”

Jo buried her face in her hands. Her chin length
brown hair fell forward and swayed side to side while she laughed. “Maybe it
was a fun night for you, since you got engaged that night. I, on the other
hand, was with the worst date of my life.”

I chuckled. “Oh yeah, the Barney Stinson look
alike.”

Jo tilted her head, obviously picturing the sitcom
character and comparing him to her date. “Yeah, he kinda did look like Barney.
Only with the fashion sense though, definitely not with the charisma and
charm.”

“We noticed,” Ellie laughed. “Where did you meet
him?”

“If you can believe it, my parents set me up with
him.” Jo admitted, cheeks turning red. “They said that he was ‘just my type,’
whatever that meant. After the ball I called my mom and let her have it. That
guy was such a bore that I couldn’t wait to just get out of that uniform and go
to bed. And not with him, obviously.”

We all laughed.

“I don’t think I met him,” Catherine piped up,
brows knit together.

“I doubt you would have, Cat. We weren’t exactly itching
to introduce you to anyone back then.” I bumped her shoulder with mine
playfully, glad that we were able to joke about our history of hating each
other.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m just misunderstood!” She
insisted, gulping the rest of her beer in one pull. “Who wants to do a shot?”

“Excuse me,” a male voice from behind me said.

I turned to find what appeared to be a Marine,
judging by his high-and-tight haircut. “Yes?”

“May I have this dance?” He held out his hand for
me to take.

I laughed, and then covered my mouth with my hand.
“Sorry, uh, no. I’m taken. But thank you!”

The Marine nodded and smiled, not phased by my
rejection at all. He moved on to another table and I turned my attention back
to the group. Ellie and Catherine smirked at me, and Jo looked kind of shocked.

“What?” I asked, self-conscious.

“You’re taken?” Jo asked, repeating my words to the
Marine. “I thought you and Mills were just dating right now.”

I rolled my eyes. “Very funny. He’s still my
husband! I might be dating him, but I’d say we’re pretty damn exclusive.”

Jo whistled. “Well, good for you. There are a lot
of other bitches out there
who
wouldn’t be so loyal. I
see it all the time working with these guys.”