B003B0W1QC EBOK (12 page)
Authors: Dossie Easton,Catherine A. Liszt
Of course, it may also be unacceptable to you to go to the supermarket with your kinky friend cross-dressed, in leather and chains. You both have good reasons to be the way you are, which is different from each other.
Compromise may be the only friendly solution: “How about you wear what you want to when I come over to your house and I’ll try to get used to it: I don’t want to make you feel bad but drag in public is too embarrassing for me right now.”
If you have a hard time finding a way to state your limits, try phrasing what you want in terms of your own feelings. Avoid making the other person wrong. When you state your needs or concerns without blaming, your friend can hear you without defensiveness. Note that the sample statements we have given are entirely about the speaker’s feelings, and include no judgments about your friend’s lifestyle or customs.
Remember, what you’re comfortable with today may change later. Set up your agreements in terms of what you feel or need today, right now, leaving open the possibility of change in the future.
What are your rights?
Ask yourself how much right you think you have to control your kinky person’s behavior. Depending on your relationship, that might be none at all, or quite a lot.
Ask yourself how much right you think you have to control your kinky person’s behavior. Depending on your relationship, that might be none at all, or quite a lot.
First, do your homework. We believe that no one has a right to vote on the physical, emotional or moral safety of lifestyles and sexual behavior they do not fully comprehend. Certainly, you, dear reader, get the moral high ground here, because by taking the trouble to read this book you are educating yourself. (
Most
commendable. We have too often read scathing condemnations of kink in psychological, philosophical or feminist writings and, when we check the bibliography, we discover that the author has read nothing, no books, no articles, written by people who engage in these sexual expressions. This sort of deliberate ignorance is inexcusable.)
Most
commendable. We have too often read scathing condemnations of kink in psychological, philosophical or feminist writings and, when we check the bibliography, we discover that the author has read nothing, no books, no articles, written by people who engage in these sexual expressions. This sort of deliberate ignorance is inexcusable.)
Ask yourself what your goals are. To deepen your relationship with your kinky person? To change your friend? To avoid hearing about stuff that makes your hair stand on end? To become less distressed about that same stuff? To be more open and accepting about diverse sexualities? When you have identified your goals, resist any temptation to blame yourself for not already having achieved them, and think about how you might get from where you are today to where you would like to be tomorrow by taking one step at a time.
If your feelings against your kinky person’s lifestyle are so strong you find you can’t get over them or get comfortable in a neutral stance, it would be worthwhile to invest in a little therapy or counseling before giving up on your valued relationship entirely. Exposure to such forbidden information can have powerful effects, from memories of childhood traumas to realizing that some of your own fantasies would qualify as kinky. Your friend or family member may even know some therapists who are knowledgeable and open-minded about kink, or you can learn how to find such a therapist from the Resource Guide of this book. You could have some support in working through your own emotional response to kinkiness from a neutral person, save your relationship, and maybe even get a chance to heal some of your old wounds.
But suppose this is someone over whose life you really do exert some control, such as your young-adult child. We all know that our children, once they are grown, get to choose their own lives - whatever hopes we, as their parents, may have had for them. But what if you’re putting them through college or graduate school, or supporting them as they launch their lives? What if they’re living at home with you? Will you kick them out, or cut them off, if you disapprove of their lifestyle?
We hope not. And we also think it wouldn’t work. One of the reasons kinky people have developed such an active and rich underground culture is that many of us, like gay and lesbian and transgendered people, have been rejected by our families, and possibly been thrown out of our churches, schools, professions and careers, by those who disapprove of our sex lives. Please do not imagine that you can force your kinky person to change her ways by yanking on the purse strings or threatening to withdraw your love and approval. You will lose that person sooner or later, along with whatever love and intimacy you once shared. If you are so angry that you are willing to take these risks, or would rather disconnect completely from that person than learn to accept him, that is a choice you get to make. From where we sit, that looks like a very sad choice. You would lose your kinky person, and she would lose you.
What if you’re afraid he’s being harmed?
It can be very worrisome to know that the apple of your eye is being tied up or spanked or ordered around - even if you know he’s enjoying it tremendously. Our natural protective instincts tend to kick in if we feel that there’s even the slightest chance that someone we care about is being harmed in any way.
It can be very worrisome to know that the apple of your eye is being tied up or spanked or ordered around - even if you know he’s enjoying it tremendously. Our natural protective instincts tend to kick in if we feel that there’s even the slightest chance that someone we care about is being harmed in any way.
The good news is that most kinkyfolk indulge their kinks without causing the slightest bit of harm to themselves or the people around them. Our play involves the pretend thrills of kids’ cops-and-robbers games, and the occasional mild bruise or scrape of kids’ playground sports - nothing more. If your friend or relative seems healthy and happy, he undoubtedly is exactly that.
We have seen our kinky friends become permanently estranged from their families because a well-meaning relative tried to break up a relationship which looked scary, harmful or excessive from the outside, but which was happy, consensual and a source of great joy to the people in it. Please don’t let this happen to you and your kinky friend or relative. As we’ve mentioned before, just because a behavior or a relationship doesn’t look like fun to you doesn’t mean it’s not lots of fun for the participants. They probably wouldn’t want to live the way you do, either; there’s room for all kinds of relationships and activities in this big old world.
It can be tempting, too, to blame everything that goes wrong in your friend or relative’s life - every domestic argument, every problem at work, every rebellion by a child - on her kink. Before you make such a hasty judgment, please stop and consider all the things that go wrong in your life, or in
anybody’s
life - even in the lives of celibate people or longtime heterosexual vanilla monogamous couples. Kink doesn’t solve all of anybody’s problems, and it doesn’t cause them either.
anybody’s
life - even in the lives of celibate people or longtime heterosexual vanilla monogamous couples. Kink doesn’t solve all of anybody’s problems, and it doesn’t cause them either.
One difficulty is that from the outside, it can be hard to see a clear-cut line between consensual kink and nonconsensual spousal abuse. Domestic violence certainly happens to the kinky and the nonkinky alike: how, then, can you tell the difference between consensual kinkiness and abuse?
Well, first of all, you can ask your friend how he distinguishes: a lot of kinky players have put some serious thought into this matter, so you might get some enlightening answers. You can ask her how she maintains her safety, and listen for the concepts of safe, sane and consensual. We vote for clean and sober, too. Sometimes you can’t know - lots of nonkinky people are rude or hostile or controlling to their partners, and even the experts aren’t always sure where to draw the line between obnoxious and abusive.
Or you may fear that your friend is so wildly enthusiastic about his newfound sexual utopia that he is going overboard, too far too fast, throwing caution to the winds, reckless. Many of us will recognize this state of mind from when we were new players - we know what it’s like to be so excited that you are “thinking below the waist.” You can help by putting her in touch with some of the resources we have listed in the back of this book - good how-to literature that will help her make informed decisions, or the support groups on the Internet or in real life where she can talk to kindred spirits and get a “reality check.”
If you find yourself wondering about these issues, we counsel caution. Don’t rush to judgment, and avoid forceful intervention - you could wind up alienating your friend, and driving him further away from any support you would like to offer. Let your friend or relative know that you care about him, that you’re there if he wants to talk, and that if he ever finds himself in trouble you will do your best to help. If he’s healthy and happy and playing just the way he wants to, he’ll probably roll his eyes and chuckle - but he’ll also be glad to hear that you care about him. And if he is in trouble, your message tells him that he’s worthwhile, and that help is there if he needs it.
Children of kinkyfolk.
Just because Mom or Dad likes to play with handcuffs or high heels doesn’t mean Junior is going to grow up to be the same way (although he may, of course, feel less ashamed of whatever sexual desires he might develop). Your authors’ experience with our own grown children shows us that, if anything, they tend to be a little less interested in kinky sexuality than their peers - after all, what’s the fun in doing something that your parents do? Ick!
Just because Mom or Dad likes to play with handcuffs or high heels doesn’t mean Junior is going to grow up to be the same way (although he may, of course, feel less ashamed of whatever sexual desires he might develop). Your authors’ experience with our own grown children shows us that, if anything, they tend to be a little less interested in kinky sexuality than their peers - after all, what’s the fun in doing something that your parents do? Ick!
If your friend or relative has children, you may find that her ideas about what sexual information to share with them may not correspond to yours. These kids might know a great deal about their parents’ sexuality, or their parents might have chosen to keep such matters private. (Please don’t mention their parents’ sexuality to them unless you’re absolutely sure they’re already aware of it.) If the kids have been given more information than you’re used to seeing kids have, you may feel shocked or even worried.
Please don’t be. There’s no “right” amount of sexual information for children to have, as long as they have enough to help them make their own intelligent sexual decisions later on. You’ll see that kids who are well-informed about sexual matters are no different than you were - they’re still kids, growing up, building their own worlds and developing their own ambitions and opinions.
If your kinky friend or relative is basically a good parent - providing love, nurturance, physical care, a stable environment, structure, and the other things kids need to grow up happy and healthy - please don’t try to “rescue” those kids. They don’t need it; they’re fine just the way they are.
Your own boundaries.
Back to you. You get to have respect for your own boundaries. You can get as close to your friend or relative as you want to, and no closer. That will work best in the long run: remember that good fences make good neighbors.
Back to you. You get to have respect for your own boundaries. You can get as close to your friend or relative as you want to, and no closer. That will work best in the long run: remember that good fences make good neighbors.
There is a wonderful organization, P-FLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) who offer support groups to the family members of sexual minorities. They do great work, and have recently opened up an arm devoted to understanding transgendered people. We are hoping that by the time you read this book, P-FLAG may include some groups for the friends and families of kinky people.
We hope that the support of this book, organizations like P-FLAG, and the love and affection of your kinky friend and relative will enable you to choose to learn more about your friend’s wonderful adventures.
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