Authors: Dossie Easton,Catherine A. Liszt
B003B0W1QC EBOK (15 page)
Asking your partner to give up kink.
What if alternative sexual behaviors are totally not okay with you? Can you ask your partner to just stop? In our experience, very few people succeed in denying their desires once they have discovered a safe way to make those dreams come true. For us, it would be like asking us to cut off our arm, to leave behind what we find to be a very valuable part of ourselves. We would feel incomplete and amputated if we were asked never to have our favorite kinds of sex. To ask someone to bury her sexual self is akin to demanding that she give up her integrity and become somebody else.
What if alternative sexual behaviors are totally not okay with you? Can you ask your partner to just stop? In our experience, very few people succeed in denying their desires once they have discovered a safe way to make those dreams come true. For us, it would be like asking us to cut off our arm, to leave behind what we find to be a very valuable part of ourselves. We would feel incomplete and amputated if we were asked never to have our favorite kinds of sex. To ask someone to bury her sexual self is akin to demanding that she give up her integrity and become somebody else.
Furthermore, if you insist that she stop exploring her sexuality in a kinky direction, you run the risk of driving her underground. Then you get to deal with a secret life.
You may find yourself wondering whether his offer to rub your feet after a long day, or her slightly abrupt request that you take out the garbage, represents some sort of hidden sexual agenda. Will you ever be comfortable? Will you ever feel safe? Will you wonder about every hang-up phone call, every unexplained absence? Will you read her journal? Will she leave?
Opening up your relationship.
Perhaps you can live with the idea of your partner exploring kink, but you’re just not very interested in doing so yourself. You can still maintain your relationship, if you choose, by coming to terms with your partner taking care of her kinky needs somewhere else.
Perhaps you can live with the idea of your partner exploring kink, but you’re just not very interested in doing so yourself. You can still maintain your relationship, if you choose, by coming to terms with your partner taking care of her kinky needs somewhere else.
So where is “somewhere else?” Many committed partners have outside lovers, and this is particularly common among those of us who have uncommon sexual tastes. Kinky people are pretty used to the idea that the person who wants to do exactly what we want to do in sex may be a very different person from the partner with whom we want to share a home, three children and a mortgage. So it makes good sense that many couples have agreed to accept “play partners” into the ecology of their relationship. Others find that it suits their sense of limits better if the kinky partner plays only at play parties, or only with professional dominants.
This does bring up the equally difficult, but not insurmountable, issue of nonmonogamy. Whether your partner will play with a lover, sexual friends or a professional, you will have to work through any jealousy or insecurity you may feel.
We can’t tell you in complete detail here about how to negotiate some sexual openness in your relationship (if you’re interested, our book “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities” will give you much more information), but let us warn you about some of the traps.
We often hear of folks who tell their spouses or partners, “Go ahead and play with other people if you have to, but I don’t want to hear about it.” In our experience, this is rarely a good idea. Most people find it easier to get comfortable when they know about what is going on, can ask questions, maybe even meet these outside partners.
When a couple tries to deal in secrecy there are too many blanks. Nature abhors a vacuum, and we have a natural human tendency to fill in the blanks. When there is something we don’t know that is important to us, we don’t tolerate not knowing very well, so we tend to imagine what might be in the blank space. And what we most commonly imagine in this kind of blank space is our worst fear. Remember the last time your partner was late and didn’t call? Did you call the Highway Patrol, imagining a terrible accident? Most of us have. We fill in the blank with our worst fear.
So if you want to know what it is that you are most afraid of, make a deal to keep secrets from each other. It is almost a certainty that you will torture yourself with your own worst fears. You are, for instance, very likely to convince yourself that this mysterious person in your partner’s life is younger, thinner, smarter, sexier... you can fill in your own fear of your own inadequacy. We doubt if this will make you happy.
When we know the truth about what is going on, we get the information we need to reassure ourselves about our own importance in the scheme of things. We know of initially horrified partners who now think nothing of buying their spouse a session with a professional dominant for a birthday present, or throwing a birthday party for their lover’s lover.
Some people think you can differentiate between sex and kink, and negotiate an agreement that it’s okay to do kink outside the relationship, but not sex. This may look reasonable from the outset, but how do you define sex? Does it mean having an orgasm? Genital contact? Arousal? We already know the answer - there is no precise definition of what constitutes sex, and any line you might try to draw will turn out to have so much gray area that it will be more of a fog than a line. Truth is, kink is a form of intimacy, and arousal and fulfillment can take many forms. You can’t make a rule that will protect you from feeling jealous or insecure.
But you can make agreements about certain forms of sexual or kinky behavior: some couples choose, for example, to keep penetrative intercourse as something they do only with one another; others make agreements about what kinds of behaviors are and are not okay outside their relationship. Most have some understanding about how they will protect themselves - and, by extension, their partners - from disease. The key to making such agreements work is to be very, very clear about the actual meanings of the words you use, and to remain flexible so your agreements can change as your needs and comfort levels evolve.
Professional dominants provide, for many people, a relationship-neutral place for a kinky person to live out their fantasies with no threat to their non-kinky beloved. And when both of you are free from pressure about those kinky desires, the sex you do share may be most wondrously hot and steamy and satisfying.
Time is your best friend. You don’t have to decide any of this today - you can explore the issue. There is no rush, and if you have a love relationship that is precious to you and you don’t want to lose it, the best thing you can do is start moving very slowly.
We advocate getting all the info you can - read some more books. Consider joining a support group and attending a workshop: if you bravely go to places where you can meet some people and hear them talk about what they like to do, you will be under absolutely no obligation to participate. Keep that clear with yourself and your partner. It can really help to observe a variety of people who enjoy kink, and maybe even get a chance to talk to some of them. This is an opportunity for you to reality-test both your thoughts and your feelings.
Trying it yourself.
What if your partner is revealing this to you because she wants you to participate? You get to think about this one for a long time. If you feel pressure to become an outrageous fantasy kinky creature right this moment, check first to see who’s pressuring you - is it your partner or is it yourself?
What if your partner is revealing this to you because she wants you to participate? You get to think about this one for a long time. If you feel pressure to become an outrageous fantasy kinky creature right this moment, check first to see who’s pressuring you - is it your partner or is it yourself?
If it’s your partner, insist on having the time to think about all this. You are not going to succeed in building an expanded sex life by grudgingly giving in to bullying or emotional blackmail. If the pressure comes from you, get some support, slow down, and give yourself the time to deal with all this carefully.
There is an axiom in sex therapy that covers any situation where a person might feel pressure to perform sexually in a way that doesn’t fit for them. The axiom tells us that if you are not allowed to say no, then you can never really say yes. If you should make the brave decision to try an alternative sexual behavior with your partner, remember that you both have a line-item veto, and that the best way to proceed is one step at a time.
If you decide to try it yourself you deserve understanding and support, for agreeing to take some risks, and for the wonderful trust you are giving your partner. You should have the opportunity to learn at your own pace and never be pushed to go further than you feel comfortable with. There is no hierarchy of hip where the kinkier you are, the better you are. What’s important is the pleasure and the sexual expansion you are enjoying right now. Take the time to savor the pleasures of today before you leap on to what you would like to be doing tomorrow.
A good way to get started would be to turn back to Chapter 6, and try the Yes/No/Maybe exercise we described there with your partner. This can be a good jumping-off point to help you discover some activities that sound safe and rewarding to both of you.
Sex therapists declare that you can’t tell if you like something if you just try it once. Chances are, the first time you attempt any new sexual activity, kinky or non-kinky, you will be so distracted by embarrassment and performance anxiety that you will be doing well to simply have gotten through your agenda. At the very least, you will most likely learn that a blindfold or a little bondage won’t kill you, so be proud of yourself for being willing to try. To really find out if you like a particular form of sexual play takes at least three tries.
Role-playing - pretending to be nurse nasty or the wicked count or the poor little victim - is one of the most common items in our fantasies, but it is often the most difficult to learn how to do. Your authors still feel quite proud of ourselves when we pull off a scene that includes playing parts with a lot of verbal interplay. It is an acquired ability to talk and stay aroused at the same time. Instead, each of you can run the fantasy in your mind - you could actually have a wonderful time and each be running a different movie in your head. People do it all the time in non-kinky sex, so you probably already have that skill down.
The easiest place to start is with one new physical sensation, like a blindfold or a light spanking, or one new adventure, like a small exploration of cross-dressing. You learned a little bit about these activities earlier in this book, and you can get other books from the Resource Guide that will help you with technique and finesse.
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