B003B0W1QC EBOK (2 page)
Authors: Dossie Easton,Catherine A. Liszt
Imagine how it would feel to spend time with someone who likes you and cares about you and knows a whole lot about you, but doesn’t know, and isn’t
allowed
to know, that you’re married (or a person of color, or a professional artist, or whatever). You can see how uncomfortable that would be, how you’d feel as though you were always lying just a little bit.
allowed
to know, that you’re married (or a person of color, or a professional artist, or whatever). You can see how uncomfortable that would be, how you’d feel as though you were always lying just a little bit.
Do you really want your friend or relative to feel that way about you - to have to hide something that important to his identity and his life, and to always feel just a little bit on guard while talking to you? We hope not.
Where are you getting your information?
Often, the friends and family of kinkyfolk have as their only source of information a lot of very sensationalized and inaccurate images put forth by television, movies, newspapers and so on. Please keep in mind that the people who create movies, television shows, novels and the like may know less about kink than you do - and that their job isn’t to spread good information, it’s to make money. In the old advertising phrase, “sex sells,” and sensational sex sells even better. If all you get to hear about kink are such negative, exaggerated and inaccurate messages, then of course you’ll believe that kinky people are screwed up and scary, and chances are you’ll feel upset to learn that someone close to you is “one of
them
.”
Often, the friends and family of kinkyfolk have as their only source of information a lot of very sensationalized and inaccurate images put forth by television, movies, newspapers and so on. Please keep in mind that the people who create movies, television shows, novels and the like may know less about kink than you do - and that their job isn’t to spread good information, it’s to make money. In the old advertising phrase, “sex sells,” and sensational sex sells even better. If all you get to hear about kink are such negative, exaggerated and inaccurate messages, then of course you’ll believe that kinky people are screwed up and scary, and chances are you’ll feel upset to learn that someone close to you is “one of
them
.”
So where
do
you get reliable, non-sensationalized information? Well, that’s what we aim to do in this book. We’ll give you definitions of many terms you may not understand, and descriptions of what’s actually involved in various kinks. The Resource Guide in the back can point you toward more information about particular practices, and to good, well-researched, accurate books.
do
you get reliable, non-sensationalized information? Well, that’s what we aim to do in this book. We’ll give you definitions of many terms you may not understand, and descriptions of what’s actually involved in various kinks. The Resource Guide in the back can point you toward more information about particular practices, and to good, well-researched, accurate books.
But your most important source of information is your kinky person herself. If you’re feeling confused or uncertain about what she’s trying to explain to you, don’t turn to the
National Enquirer
or even your old college psychology textbook - ask her. Only she can tell you what she actually does, why she enjoys it, what she gets out of it, and how she keeps herself safe and happy while she does it. If you can’t imagine yourself talking about such embarrassingly intimate stuff, this book will help you.
National Enquirer
or even your old college psychology textbook - ask her. Only she can tell you what she actually does, why she enjoys it, what she gets out of it, and how she keeps herself safe and happy while she does it. If you can’t imagine yourself talking about such embarrassingly intimate stuff, this book will help you.
No apologies
. Most of us grew up in a world where sex was a source of shame, and non-standard sex practically unspeakable. You may be accustomed to people who act guilty or ashamed about their sexual behaviors. If so, the tone of this book may seem a little unusual to you, because you’re not going to read any apologies in here. We think that sex is wonderful, and that kinky sex is wonderful too, and that an interest in sex outside the mainstream is something to be proud of.
. Most of us grew up in a world where sex was a source of shame, and non-standard sex practically unspeakable. You may be accustomed to people who act guilty or ashamed about their sexual behaviors. If so, the tone of this book may seem a little unusual to you, because you’re not going to read any apologies in here. We think that sex is wonderful, and that kinky sex is wonderful too, and that an interest in sex outside the mainstream is something to be proud of.
Proud? Of being perverted?? Well, yes. It is very difficult to come to terms with an alternative sexuality in a culture that teaches us that we are bad, sick, damaged and/or undesirable for wanting what we want. It’s also difficult to find ways to enact “unacceptable” fantasies in a manner which is healthy, fun and consensual for everybody involved. We think any kinky person who has succeeded in doing these things has done something of which they - and you - should be very proud.
Your behavior has power
. Kinky people often feel scared and isolated. Sometimes they may even hate themselves for “giving in” to a sexual kink that they know sets them apart from the rest of the world.
. Kinky people often feel scared and isolated. Sometimes they may even hate themselves for “giving in” to a sexual kink that they know sets them apart from the rest of the world.
We’re pretty sure you don’t want anybody you care about to feel frightened, alone or self-hating. As someone who cares, you have a great deal of power to help or harm your friend or family member. Your behavior matters - it can help your kinky person to feel healthy, loved and accepted, or leave them feeling rejected, isolated and alone.
By reading even these first few pages, you’ve taken an important and positive step. THANK YOU!!!
Who are we and why should you listen to us
? We’re two middle-aged women living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Dossie is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in the needs of people who have unusual sexualities. Catherine is a writer and publisher. Between us, we’ve tried and enjoyed a lot of the kinks in this book, although we’re best known as writers about, and practitioners of, S/M (sadomasochism) and polyamory (multipartner relationships). We’re here to tell you what our world looks like from the inside.
? We’re two middle-aged women living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Dossie is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in the needs of people who have unusual sexualities. Catherine is a writer and publisher. Between us, we’ve tried and enjoyed a lot of the kinks in this book, although we’re best known as writers about, and practitioners of, S/M (sadomasochism) and polyamory (multipartner relationships). We’re here to tell you what our world looks like from the inside.
We’re both fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who care enough about us to accept all our kinks. Both of us are mothers of grown or near-grown children who are aware of our proclivities and comfortable with them. We’re both also on good and honest terms with almost all of our families of origin, our co-workers and associates, and even our exes. And, yes, we both know how incredibly lucky we are.
We see ourselves as messengers from faraway places. We have traveled in forbidden territories where many others have not, and acted upon a great deal of what you may know only from stories and fantasies. We have explored territories inside ourselves and between each other that many people have forbidden themselves even to think about. These experiences have made us very
different;
we live in a different culture, with different assumptions, different rules, different agreements, different boundaries...
different;
we live in a different culture, with different assumptions, different rules, different agreements, different boundaries...
Our hope in writing this book is that we may offer you information and answer questions about life on the fringes of sexual expression, increase your understanding and your tolerance so that you may, perhaps, feel more secure about your friends and family members who live in our world, or even have a clearer idea of what the consequences might be if you choose to travel here yourself. We also hope to pass along to you some of what we have learned on this bizarre journey, for how we love and how we play has brought us some knowledge and wisdom that can be found in this particular way.
This will be clearer later on. For now, we will strive to find the words to communicate to you both the joy the wisdom we have found, an expanded understanding of how we express ourselves and share sexual experience.
But we didn’t want our voices to be the only ones you heard in this book. So we also asked as many people as we could contact to write “the letter you wouldn’t dare send” - the letters they don’t dare send to their parents, children, friends, siblings or spouses, explaining their kinks and asking for acceptance. Some are funny, some angry, some sad, some loving.
We have scattered these letters throughout the book, to give you an idea of the thoughts and wishes of kinky people everywhere, and to help you understand what your kinky person might want you to know.
2
What Are You Feeling Now
?
?
Learning that someone you care about has a sexual kink isn’t like finding out that they like their cheeseburgers with onions, or that they’re going to Disney World for their next vacation. While your situation may not be as terrifying or upsetting as it
seems
right now, how you
feel
about it is important: it can affect how you see your friend or relative, her relationships, and her place in the world.
seems
right now, how you
feel
about it is important: it can affect how you see your friend or relative, her relationships, and her place in the world.
Here are some thoughts or feelings we have heard from our own friends and relatives:
Some people feel scared: “What if he gets hurt?” “Doesn’t she know there are diseases out there?”
Others feel guilty: “What did I do to make him this way?” “Is this because I spanked her when she was little?” “If only I’d been more loving...”
Or angry: “How dare she tell me this!” “That selfish jerk!”
Or puzzled: “I thought I knew her... now I feel as if I don’t know her at all.” “How could
anybody
enjoy stuff like that?!”
anybody
enjoy stuff like that?!”
Others just feel sort of panicky, heads swimming with sensationalistic images from magazines or television. (Trying to imagine your middle-aged mother in leather and thigh-high boots, for example, is a surefire recipe for overload, as our children will happily assure you.)
These are all very difficult emotions; this book will help you understand and deal with them soon. But in the meantime, if you’re feeling one or more of them, we suggest you be very good to yourself. It is completely understandable that you’re feeling what you’re feeling.
Maybe you already know some good coping mechanisms for when you’re feeling tense or upset. If so, keep them in mind as you read on. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortably strong emotions, please feel free to set the book aside while you take care of yourself.
If you find that your usual coping mechanisms aren’t enough, let us suggest some techniques that work well for us. Take a minute to connect with yourself physically. Where are you feeling the tension? Is your forehead all knotted up? Does your throat hurt? Are your shoulders up around your ears? Is your stomach upset? Are you clenching your fists? Oh, yes... and when was the last time you breathed?
If the tension feels too uncomfortable, please stick a bookmark in this page and put the book down for a moment. Sit back in your chair and close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Try to breathe warm, relaxing breaths into the part of you that feels tense. Imagine breathing out stress and tension and any unwelcome thoughts. Think about something pleasant - perhaps the last time you had a really nice time with your friend or relative, how much you care about them, how good they’ve been to you. Or, if that seems too difficult right now, just think about an image that soothes you and relaxes you - flowers, rolling waves, your favorite leisure occupation.
When you feel your breathing become slower and easier, and the tension has at least started to ease up, it will be time to pick the book up again. Take your time.
Before you read any farther, we want to ask you to remember some other time in your life when you got a piece of news that seemed frightening or overwhelming or infuriating - but that later turned out to be not such a big deal, or maybe even turned out to be
good
news. Please keep that time in mind as you read on, because we suspect that what you’re learning about your friend or relative will not turn out to be a disaster, but rather a form of knowing each other better that will bring you closer and help you build a truer, more loving picture of the person you already love and care about.
good
news. Please keep that time in mind as you read on, because we suspect that what you’re learning about your friend or relative will not turn out to be a disaster, but rather a form of knowing each other better that will bring you closer and help you build a truer, more loving picture of the person you already love and care about.
3
About the Language in This Book
Kinky people, like any other small and insular community, tend to develop their own ways of speaking - not just terminology and jargon, but whole new ways of expressing themselves. While we’ve done our best to be comprehensible in this book, we do want to mention a couple of points that may come up for you as you read it, or as you talk to your kinky friend or relative. After all, we can’t talk to each other without a common language.
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