Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (39 page)

A thought creased his brow.
At least
we haven’t heard any more from Daniel. I know he’s Jaz and Jay’s
biological dad, but what a tosser he is. As if a hamper of designer
baby-grows and expensive toys could make up for trying to have them
terminated at six weeks.

That was the only fly in the ointment
of Marcio’s happiness. Daniel seemed to have an ability to flaunt
his money, his superior ability to provide for the twins, even
without being in the room. Marcio could only hope that when his
book was released in the spring it would magically become a
bestseller and earn him some cash. Until then he had set another
plan in motion to ensure they were cared for. He wasn’t sure Helen
would approve, and so didn’t want to tell her until it was a done
deal. He hated the thought of lying to her, so would need to pick
his words with care.

Helen seemed to feel his gaze on her
because before long she stretched and opened her eyes.

“Hey, beautiful, would you like some
breakfast?”

“Mmmm yes please. I’ll get up, just
give me a minute.”

“No you won’t, you’ll tell me what you
want and I will bring it to you.” Marcio crossed the room and
perched on the edge of the bed.

“I could get used to having you around
to be my slave,” she smiled, toying between staying under the duvet
and moving to give Marcio a cuddle.

“Ah, I have to talk to you about
that.”

“Oh, am I not going to like it?” Helen
pulled herself cautiously upright.

“No, it’s fine, well I hope it is
anyway. I have to go to Bristol, that’s all, an overnighter.”

“That’s all?” Helen felt a stab of
terror course through her at the idea of being by herself
overnight.

“Why do you have to go to Bristol? What
assignment?” Her voice rose in fear. She knew her mother was
planning on leaving in the morning.

“Don’t worry, I’ve asked your mother to
stay until the weekend. You’ll be fine.”

“What are we going to do when she’s
gone home though?” Helen felt her eyes well up again.

Marcio reached over and pulled Helen
into a hug, stroking her hair and murmuring into her ear.

“Darling, it will be fine. You’ll be
fine. You’re exhausted, that’s all. As the mites get bigger,
they’ll feed less often and you’ll be able to get some sleep.
You’re doing brilliantly.”

Helen held Marcio tightly and tried to
stem her tears. “I’m so sorry, you’re amazing. How would I have
done this without you?”

“You would have been great.” Marcio sat
back and held Helen by the arms, looking into her red eyes, wanting
to take her pain away. He felt awful for leaving her, but he had no
choice.

“Your mother’s here, the health visitor
will be here again in a couple of days. I think some of the baby
group are threatening to drop by too, if you can cope. I’ll be back
on Friday.”

“Okay,” she said, her voice small.

“I won’t go if you don’t want me
to.”

That roused Helen to pull herself
together, at least for Marcio’s sake.

“No, you go; you need to get out the
house. A good night’s sleep while you’re away will be just what the
doctor ordered!”

She looked into his face; he was as
tired and drawn as she was. As well as getting up in the night to
change nappies, Marcio was still taking on as many assignments as
he could. They couldn’t afford to turn down work, not if they
wanted to keep a roof over their heads.

Marcio leaned forwards and gave Helen a
lingering kiss, stroking her cheek and wiping away tears with his
thumb. She lay back on the bed and pulled him into a cuddle,
enjoying the stillness and warmth.

Marcio wrapped his arms around her and
whispered into her hair “I love you so much Ms Morley.”

Something in his voice made Helen
wonder what else he was going to say. She lay for a few minutes
enjoying the embrace. When she looked at his face she saw he had
fallen asleep.

Kissing him gently, she crept out from
underneath him and propped him up with a pillow.

“Sleep, my hero, sleep,” she whispered,
and stole from the room to get showered and dressed.

Chapter
Thirteen

Why won’t he look at me?
Helen
felt a chill spread through her body as Marcio waved goodbye to her
through the window without meeting her eyes.
He must feel bad
for leaving me alone. So he should!
Her own guilt at her nasty
thoughts made her face hot. She knew it was Marcio’s wages paying
for her to stay home looking after the twins. Still, it seemed too
soon for him to be going away overnight.

Helen decided to curl up in the
armchair to check her emails quickly before one of the twins woke
up demanding food. There were several messages from her baby group,
asking if she was up to visitors. She sent a reply to them all,
saying that Marcio was away, and if they wanted to pop over for
half an hour that afternoon or the following day that would be
fine, as long as they didn’t mind if she turfed them out fairly
quickly.

It was soon agreed that they would come
by mid-afternoon, once the twins had their feed, in the hope that
at least one of them would last half an hour without needing more
nourishment.

Maggie offered to pop out to buy some
fresh coffee and cakes.

“Every baby group needs cake, that’s
what makes having kids worthwhile. Believe me, you will eat a lot
of cake before they’re five.”

With that she let herself out the
apartment.

As the door clicked shut Helen realised
it was the first time she had been alone with the twins. Fighting
down the urge to run after her mother and call her back, she went
into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

“You’re being daft, Helen Morley. Women
give birth all around the world, every minute of every day. Mothers
raise their children without running water, alone in the
wilderness. I’m sure you can survive an hour by yourself. What’s
the worst that can happen?”

As she watched the steam rising from
the kettle, Helen knew exactly what the worst was. It occupied her
every waking thought. One of them might die. That was the worst
that could happen. As the thought reappeared in the front of her
mind, she abandoned the tea and walked swiftly to the lounge where
the twins were asleep in their baskets. They both lay on their
backs, arms up by their heads. She hovered, inches away, watching
for the rise and fall of their tiny chests that would reassure her
temporarily that they were still breathing. As her pulse calmed,
Helen admonished herself for being foolish and returned to the
kitchen to make tea.

The sound of the doorbell startled Helen
from a fitful doze. Shaking the sleep from her mind she wondered if
her mother had forgotten her key, or if one of the baby group were
early. She crept out the room and into the hallway, thankful the
doorbell hadn’t woken either of the babies.

Stopping to peer through the ancient
eye-hole, Helen felt her heart plummet. Daniel was on the doorstep,
dressed in his workday suit. He looked cold and irritated, as if
he’d been kept waiting.

Bugger
. Helen wondered whether
to open the door. His timing couldn’t be worse; she really didn’t
want to see him alone, but she had no idea how long her mother was
going to be and the baby group were going to be there before long.
She most definitely didn’t want him coming back then.

Shrugging off her nerves, she began
unlocking the flat door, trying to convince herself she was doing
the right thing.

He has to be faced sometime.
Probably best if Marcio and Mum aren’t here, there will be less
tension. It isn’t fair on the babies for them to sense the
animosity
.

Maggie hadn’t seen Daniel since before
Helen announced she was pregnant. Given the strength of her
response at the time, Helen thought it best if it remained that
way.

Therefore even before she had greeted
Daniel on the doorstep, her first words were, “Mum’s just gone out,
I think it best you’re gone before she gets back, don’t you?”

“Hello, Helen.” He looked like he might
say something sarcastic, but instead he said warmly, “You look
amazing.”

He made to kiss her cheek, but she
turned and walked back into the flat.

Forced to follow her, he said “You make
it sound like I’m here on some illicit assignation. I’ve come to
see my children; that’s all. You said you would tell me when they
were born.” His voice was level, but Helen sensed the peevishness
he was trying to conceal.

“Yes, and I would have done had Karen
not beaten me to it.” She paused in the hallway, not sure where to
go, with the children asleep in the lounge, and nowhere to sit in
the kitchen.

“You got the flowers then.” Daniel
paused, waiting for Helen to go into the room.

“Yes.”

Her voice sounded distracted,
preoccupied. If Daniel had been expecting thanks, he was to be
disappointed.

Making up her mind, she turned to
Daniel and hissed “The twins are asleep, please don’t wake them.”
With that, she walked through the kitchen into the lounge, where
the moses baskets were both set up near the window to catch the few
rays that came in. They had both suffered slightly from jaundice at
birth and the midwife said sunlight was good for them. Looking
back, she realised Daniel had stopped to look at the babies, so she
returned to stand near him, protectively hovering as if he might
harm them.

In the two weeks since they’d arrived
they had filled out, their faces no longer scrunched and red. They
looked angelic, sleeping on their backs, arms twitching as if
conducting invisible orchestras.

Helen glanced surreptitiously at Daniel
as he looked at his son and daughter for the first time. His
expression was hard to fathom. The main emotion seemed to be
relief, almost a sense of victory. She couldn’t figure out why, and
guessed she must be imagining things. She never had been able to
read him in the way she could with Marcio.

Daniel turned to look up at Helen with
a face full of tenderness and love. He gestured for her to go to
the back of the room where the sofas were, so they could speak
without disturbing the twins.

Irritated that Daniel was directing her
movements in her own flat, Helen nevertheless went and perched on
one of the sofas, praying that Daniel would choose to sit on the
second one. Instead he sat close to her, on the pretext of needing
to talk quietly.

“They’re amazing,” he whispered. “I
can’t believe I was such an idiot to think I didn’t want this.” He
nodded in the direction of the baskets up on the table. Helen
merely frowned and gazed at the fireplace.

“You can’t begin to imagine how much I
regret the way things turned out. We should be married by now; they
should be in our house, with the best nanny available to care for
them.”

Helen whipped her head back round to
face Daniel, her cheeks flushed.

“They don’t need a nanny, they have
me.” Her voice was razor sharp despite the hushed tone.

“I didn’t mean to offend you.” His
voice was unsure, nervous, willing her to believe his good
intentions.

“Of course you will care for them to
the best of your ability.”

He glanced at the tatty sofas, the
unpacked boxes, the tiny pine table where the second-hand moses
baskets just fitted, and his silence spoke volumes.

Helen could tell he was drawing
parallels with his own luxurious immaculate apartment. All Helen
could think about was the conversation they had when they were last
there together.

Daniel seemed oblivious to her mood. “I
will help. I can see you and Marcio aren’t flush. I will make sure
they have everything they need; you just need to ask. I’ll get them
enrolled at Kings Edward, when the time comes, make sure they have
the best start in life. It’s the least I can do, to make
amends.”

Helen stared at him.
What planet is
he living on?
She couldn’t believe his audacity.

Eventually even he became aware of the
animosity coming from her in waves and turned to face her, one
eyebrow raised.

“You don’t want the best for them?” he
asked with disarming simplicity.

How could she respond to that? Of
course she wanted everything that would contribute to the twin’s
happiness. Was that necessarily things that could be bought? She
didn’t think so. At the same time, the way Daniel worded his
question, it seemed like she would deny the twins comfort or
opportunity out of sheer spite. He made
her
feel like the
villain.

Helen felt the tears prick her eyes. It
hurt to think. She didn’t know what to do for the best. Of course
Daniel’s money would make things easier, help pay for some help for
her when Marcio was away, or get them a top-of-the-range buggy. It
felt wrong though, in a way she couldn’t put her finger on. Of
course Daniel should contribute towards the raising of children he
fathered, but what role did that then confer on him? Marcio was
their father now.

It was with supreme gratitude that she
heard a key in the lock, and her mother’s footsteps in the
hallway.

Daniel turned as Maggie put her head
round the lounge door to see if the twins were still sleeping. She
started slightly as she saw him sitting casually on the sofa. He
made no move to get up, rather just looked impassively at Maggie as
if willing her to make a scene.

Helen held her breath. Her mother
wouldn’t want to wake the twins, but Helen was unsure whether she
would be able to control her temper.

However, it seemed Maggie had foreseen
that she might cross paths with Daniel at some point, because she
merely nodded at him, before calmly returning to the kitchen to put
the shopping in the cupboards.

As if sensing he would make no further
progress today, eventually Daniel said “I’d better go.” He rose
from the sofa and waited for Helen to see him to the door.