Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (42 page)

Squeezing into a cubicle, Helen tried
to lay the changing mat on the floor before putting a now
whimpering Jasmine on top. Undoing the poppers she saw that the
contents of the nappy had leaked everywhere, down Jasmine’s legs
and up to her neck.

Fighting back tears, Helen stripped the
clothes off and cleaned Jasmine as best she could in the cramped
space.

Thank god I gave up on cotton wool
and water and switched to wet wipes.
The baby started to
wriggle as Helen mopped up the mess.

“Jasmine lie still! You’ll cover us
both in poo.”

Helen hoped there was no one else in
the ladies, as she cursed the wriggling child in language a mummy
probably shouldn’t use. Eventually she had mopped all the slippery
korma-coloured poo off her daughter, although not without getting
some on her own jeans. Luckily wet-wipes appeared to be able to
handle that too, more or less.

Rummaging through the cavernous
changing bag, she located clean clothes and then spent ten minutes
wrestling them onto the wriggling baby. She remembered something
her mum had said once and had to agree: It was indeed like trying
to put tights on an octopus. At last Jazz was dressed and the mess
packed away into several nappy sacks.

Exhausted but triumphant, Helen headed
back to her friends. As she passed a table of attractive business
men, sucking in her tummy out of habit, Helen saw one of them look
on the floor behind her.

“You’ve dropped something,” he observed
with a slight frown.

Looking back, Helen saw one of her
breast pads on the floor. Blood rushed to her face in mortification
as she rushed back and swooped down to retrieve it as fast as
possible. As she did so, her bag slid off her shoulder and knocked
a lady’s arm, spilling coffee all over her and the table.

“My god, I’m so sorry!” Helen’s elation
evaporated as she fought back tears.

“Don’t worry my dear, I saw you come in
with the twins. It’s tough, taking them out and about, I
remember.”

“Thank you for being so nice. Let me
buy you another coffee.”

“No need.” The lady smiled
encouragingly at Helen and she found it only intensified her desire
to sob.

Grateful there had been someone to hold
James for the twenty minutes it had taken to change Jasmine, Helen
wondered what on earth she would have done if she had been out by
herself.

“That’s it; I’m not leaving the house
again until they start school!”

Dawn laughed in a comradely fashion. “I
remember thinking the same, and I only had one. Don’t worry, it
gets easier. I promise.”

Helen couldn’t see how it possibly
could, but she didn’t want to bring down the jovial mood round the
table, so she kept her thoughts to herself.

James began to cry, and Helen felt a
damp sensation spread across her chest. She didn’t need to look
down to realise she’d forgotten to replace the breast-pad. As the
blood rushed to her face again, she shoved Jasmine at Dawn, grabbed
a spare t-shirt from her bag and hurried back to the Ladies.

Once locked in a cubicle, she sat on
top of the toilet seat and gave in to the tears that had been
threatening to come all morning.

“I can’t do this.”

Once the tears had started, Helen
thought they might never stop. She sunk her head onto her hands and
sobbed until her ribs ached and she could taste salt and mascara in
her mouth. The world closed in around her like an approaching
storm, full of heavy thunderclouds and stinging rain. All conscious
thought became lost as she wept and wept.

“Helen?”

The tapping on the door brought her
back to the present.

“Helen, are you okay?”

Helen tried to speak, but no words
came.

“Helen, darling. It’s okay, no-one
noticed the little leak, and even if they did, these things happen.
It’s fine. Come out my dear, come give Auntie Dawn a cuddle.”

Helen stretched forward and slid back
the bolt on the door, incapable of doing much else.

As she carefully pushed open the door,
narrowly missing Helen’s knees, Dawn let out a sigh of
compassion.

“Oh darling. You poor thing. I can’t
imagine how tough it is, having two little ones to look after. My
Florence has bad days and Poppy is at preschool already. Is it
getting you down? Are you getting much help?”

Helen nodded, although it wasn’t clear
to Dawn whether she was agreeing to the first or second
statement.

“Let’s get your top changed, and you
can come back out and finish your cake. You’ll feel better after
some food. Feeding really takes it out of you.”

Dawn helped Helen take her top off as
she might for a small child, before holding out the dry one. Then,
still with the calm air of a mother caring for a distraught
toddler, she led Helen out by her hand and took her back to the
table.

The group were puzzled but sympathetic
by the obvious signs of Helen’s distress. Sharni dug around for a
makeup compact, and offered it to Helen.

Embarrassed now at her loss of control,
Helen tried to laugh it off.

“I should never have bothered with the
mascara. Generally I don’t have time for makeup these days, but I
wanted to make an effort.”

“Maybe invest in some waterproof
mascara?” Sharni giggled.

Helen fought the urge to cry again at
finding herself the butt of Sharni’s humour. Then she realised her
friend was trying to lighten the mood.

“Perhaps I should just have my
eyelashes tinted.” She smiled, to show she understood.

“I think you look amazing without
makeup,” Ben piped up. Helen privately thought he was lying through
his teeth, but it was sweet of him to say so.

When it was time to leave, Dawn helped
Helen load the babies into their basinets.

“Do you want me to come home with
you?”

“No, I’ll be fine. It’s not far and
hopefully the walk will rock the babies to sleep so I can have a
cuppa when I get in.”

“Is Marcio at home?”

“No, he’s working.” Helen couldn’t say
where, as usual Marcio hadn’t said when he left that morning.

Dawn put her hand on Helen’s shoulder.
“I’m sure he doesn’t want to add to your burden by talking about
work at the moment.”

“That must be it.” Helen felt better at
the thought.

The walk home calmed Helen’s nerves.
Okay so it had been an unmitigated disaster, but she and the twins
had survived their first outing into the real world.
Maybe I can
manage this parenting lark,
she thought optimistically.

All her happiness evaporated as she
turned into her road and saw a familiar figure hovering near her
front door.
Daniel. That’s all I need. Why didn’t he call
first?

Fishing her phone out of her purse she
saw the battery was flat.
Damn. He’ll think I’m a careless
parent, wandering around London without even a charged
phone.

As she approached the front door,
Daniel looked her up and down.

“My god, Helen, look at the state of
you.”

Glancing down, Helen realised she had
forgotten to replace the breast-pad when Dawn changed her t-shirt.
Both breasts had leaked and she had two giant damp patches on her
crumpled top. On the shoulder she saw a patch of posset from where
she had burped James earlier. Now her attention was drawn to her
own appearance rather than constant concern for the twins she could
feel the damp curls of hair at her neck, the dried mascara on her
cheeks.
Please don’t let him notice the poo on my jeans,
she
prayed, unsure whether to laugh or cry.

“It’s been a tricky morning.”

She wanted to explain about the
catalogue of disasters at the café but thought he would fail to see
the funny side. He’d never had much of a sense of humour.

“You clearly need help.” Daniel’s voice
was severe. “How do I know my children are being looked after
properly when their mother looks,” he paused, sniffing pointedly,
“and smells like she’s been dumpster-diving outside a
nightclub?”

Dumpster diving?
Helen’s first
thought was
what trash TV has he been watching?
At the same
time the rest of her shrivelled under his censure.

The twins started whimpering, wanting
their next feed. Helen stood immobile, unsure what to do. She
needed to get the children into the apartment, but didn’t want
Daniel to come in. She was emotionally and physically drained from
her morning out and wished for nothing more than to curl up with
the twins, feed them to sleep, then have a quiet cup of tea.

“Well, are you going to leave them
crying?”

Daniel’s accusation cut through her
dilemma. Opening the front door, she shot him a withering look.

“What are you doing here anyway? You
said you would call first.”

“I did, but you didn’t answer. I was
worried.”

Helen thought guiltily about her dead
phone. She wasn’t about to admit that fact to him, so ignored the
statement.

“You’d better come in, but only for a
minute. The twins need a feed.”

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen
before.”

Daniel’s words brought back images of
their time together, making her flush red with the memory. She
tried to analyse her emotions, as she carefully steered the pram
into the apartment. It had never been
lovemaking
, not like
she had with Marcio, but she could remember how much Daniel had
turned her on. The unwanted pictures in her mind made it difficult
for her to expose even enough breast to latch James on, while
putting in Jasmine’s dummy to pacify her for a while.

The latter action drew Daniel’s
attention away from the former.

“Should they be using dummies? I don’t
want to spend a fortune on orthodontics.”

Helen bristled. Putting her shoulders
back as best she could without disturbing James, she looked Daniel
directly in the eye. “They recommend dummies as a precaution
against SIDS.”

Daniel seemed to realise that
antagonising Helen wasn’t going to further his cause. “I’m sorry,
I’m just concerned for their welfare. I’m sure you understand.”

As Helen watched, an almost
imperceptible change came over Daniel’s face. It lost the severity
that had given him the air of a disapproving boss and took on the
look he had had last time he visited. It made Helen recall the
words of his text.

Maybe he does still love me, despite
the way he makes me feel like a bad mother. I know how touchy I am
these days, always biting Marcio’s head off. And he has a point. I
am a state.

Thinking about her dishevelled hair and
vomit-encrusted clothes, she could agree they were a far cry from
the stylish lady who had overseen Daniel’s dinner parties.

“Let me make you a cup of tea.” Daniel
stood and headed for the kitchen. The sudden movement made Jasmine
cry. Daniel headed back in and picked up his daughter.

Helen realised it was the first time he
had held one of the children. He had the clumsy hands of a first
time dad, but there was tenderness in his face and the hold was
gentle. For the first time Helen saw that Daniel could be a father
to the twins. It made her head ache. Marcio was their dad. Daniel
didn’t deserve them. It was simpler that way.

She looked down at James and back up at
Jasmine who had settled down to sleep in Daniel’s arms. Daniel’s
eyes met hers, their expression soft, full of awe. Their gazes
still locked, Daniel came towards her and crouched next to her
chair.

“They’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
Helen, I love you so much. Come back to me. Let’s be a proper
family. I will take such good care of you. All of you.”

The silence following his words
lengthened until Helen thought she would have to speak, even though
she had no idea what to say. As the silence reached breaking point,
she was literally saved by the bell, as the doorbell rang out.

Daniel tried to mask his irritation at
the interruption, but Helen was glad of the space to think.

Laying Jasmine down in her moses
basket, Daniel marched swiftly to dispatch whomever was at the
door.

Helen closed her eyes, relieved to have
some distance between them. She couldn’t deny the thudding in her
chest or the weakness in her knees.
How long have I waited for
him to make that kind of declaration? It’s too late. I love Marcio.
The twins love him. He’s their dad now.
But she knew that at
least was not true. Whatever happened, Daniel would always be their
real father.

She heard raised voices at the door and
realised one of them was Sharni’s.

Laying James in his basket next to
Jasmine she hurried out to stop a full scale row.

“What on earth is going on out here?
You are going to wake the children.” Helen’s fierce whisper cut
through the argument, before both Sharni and Daniel turned to
her.

“He won’t let me in.” Sharni gestured
with her head at Daniel who was indeed blocking the door.

“You heard Helen, the twins are
sleeping.” Daniel was belligerent.

“This is Helen’s flat, not yours. What
are you doing here anyway,
child killer
?”

Helen could see Daniel preparing to
annihilate Sharni, and quickly stepped between them.

“Enough! Daniel, I think you should
leave. Sharni, the twins
are
sleeping, did you need
something?”

“You left this.” She handed over
Helen’s purse, her face sulky.

“Thank you. Sorry darling, I’ll give
you a call. Please,” she added, as Sharni hesitated.

Reluctantly Sharni turned and left,
throwing another dark look at Daniel.

Holding up her hand to stem any further
discussion, Helen stood holding the door.

“Please leave, my head is pounding and
I need to rest while the twins are asleep.”

“I could mind them for you.”

“No!” Her voice rang around the small
hallway. “No.” She repeated more quietly. “I just need to be alone.
Just go. Please.”