Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (45 page)

Helen sat motionless as the words sunk
into her battered mind.

“What does Marcio say to all this?”
Maggie continued.

“He only found out a short while ago,”
Helen admitted.

“Why didn’t you tell him sooner?”

“He’s going to leave me, why make it
harder?”

“Has he told you he’s going to
leave?”

“He doesn’t have to. It’s clear he’s
had enough of no sleep and of living with me, as I am. I can’t stop
sobbing Mum. Even before Daniel started making threats. I can’t
cope with being a parent; I’m just so tired all the time. I feel
like I’m going mad. I’m consumed with fear and guilt about
everything. When they smile, or sleep, it doesn’t seem so bad. But
other times, at night, I just scream at the babies to go to sleep
and leave me alone. What kind of mother does that?”

“Every mother, at some point. Believe
me. Babies are tiring, demanding and relentless. Their only
consideration is to have their needs met, immediately, and the only
way they have of communicating is to yell. And you have two. Most
new mothers struggle with one baby in the early weeks, particularly
if they’re breastfeeding. How are the other girls coping?”

“No one else has had theirs yet. We
were always going to be the first, even before they were
early.”

“Then, darling, you need to talk to the
health visitors, or to Marcio, or to me. Don’t try and cope alone
with the emotions and the tiredness. You should have told me, I’d
have been straight up to give you a hand.”

“But you’ve only just left.”

“Two weeks is a long time when they’re
this little. If you don’t want me to come to you, why not stay with
me for a while? See if Daniel can come threatening you here! We’ll
put Dylan in the yard.”

Dylan was their goat, who had a
tendency to head-butt strangers. The image of him making a run at
Daniel was too much for Helen and she collapsed in giggles.

“Oh, Mum, what would I do without
you?”

“Let’s hope you never find out.
Besides, what are mums for eh? So, will you come and visit? I know
your dad is dying to meet the tiddlers, not that he’d admit
it.”

“I need to talk to Marcio. If he is
thinking of leaving, the last thing I should do is leave him by
himself. He might realise that sleeping alone with no squalling
babies waking him every five minutes is rather nice.”

“Have you considered that Marcio could
be feeling insecure, with Daniel around so much? Daniel is the
twins’ biological father after all. Maybe Marcio feels you would
rather the twins had their real dad, and that there is no place for
him. He’s already dealt with one major rejection recently, I’m sure
he can’t face another.”

“Poor Marcio, he must wonder what his
life might have been like if he’d never caught that
pickpocket.”

“If he does I’m sure he realises it
would have been much more barren. He loves you, Helen. And the
twins.”

She paused and Helen could hear in the
silence that there was something her mother wanted to say. “What is
it?”

“You know, Marcio would have more
rights as the twins’ father if you got married. That would give him
parental responsibility you see. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so
insecure.”

“Marcio would never consider getting
married, Mum, not after Mia.”

“Are you sure? Have you talked about
it?”

“Yes, it was one of the earliest
conversations we had, one that convinced us we had loads in common.
That we’d both nearly tied the knot but hadn’t, and now wouldn’t
dream of getting married.”

“And do you still feel that way?”

Helen knew the answer to that. She
would love nothing more than to marry Marcio.

Correctly interpreting the silence,
Maggie said, “Exactly. You’ve had a change of heart, what’s to say
Marcio hasn’t?”

Helen was waiting in the lounge when
Marcio got in from work. She’d showered, put on some make-up, tied
up her hair.

“You look nice.” His voice was
noncommittal as he reached over to kiss her cheek. He imagined that
Daniel had been round, and that she was trying to look like a
competent parent.

“Please sit down,” she said gently.
Marcio looked more closely and saw that she was facing him squarely
for the first time in days. He sat on the edge of the sofa and
Helen perched on the opposite one, her hands clasped in her lap. It
felt rather like an interview.

“I am sorry I didn’t tell you what
Daniel was threatening. I shouldn’t have excluded you. I thought
you’d changed your mind about me. About us.” She nodded at the play
mat in the corner, where the twins were happily kicking their legs
and watching the mobile above their heads.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said, rising to
join her on her sofa. He sat next to her, shoulders touching, and
looked at the floor in front of them. “I’ve been an arse. I thought
you were going to leave me for Daniel because he can offer you and
the twins so much more than I can.”

Helen turned to face him, looking at
the side of his face in surprise. “How could you think that?”

“It’s been hard to talk to you, since
the babies were born, especially since your mum left.” He continued
to stare at the floor.

“I haven’t been coping very well. I
didn’t want to burden you, but I am struggling. Everything Daniel
said felt like the truth. I am a bad mother.”

“But you’re
not
.” He turned
then, his turn to study her profile. She looked so defeated. He
wanted to shake her, to convince her how wrong she was.

“I know. In my heart I know. I’m doing
my best, at least.”

Marcio took a breath, as if to say
more, and Helen held up a hand to stop him.

“I had a good chat with Mum today.
She’s asked me to go and stay with her for a few days. To get away
from Daniel. And to get some sleep.”

“That’s a brilliant idea. God bless
your mum.” Marcio tried to ignore the ache in his gut at the
thought of being without Helen and the twins, even for a few days.
“I’ll miss you.”

Helen reached over and took his hand.
The size of it surprised her and she was shocked to realise that it
had been so long since she had touched anyone but the twins
anything else felt strange. Marcio put his other hand onto hers and
pressed tightly. It wasn’t much, but he would take any contact.

“When do you leave?”

“Tomorrow I guess. I haven’t really
thought that far.”

They sat in silence, each wrestling
with words that fought to be spoken.

“Come with us,” Helen said, at the same
time as Marcio said quietly, “Am I allowed to come too?”

“You don’t have to work?” The joy in
Helen’s face almost stopped Marcio’s heart. It was as if he had
forgotten just how beautiful she was. He wanted to lean over and
kiss her, but was scared she would retreat again. As if tending to
a mistreated animal he felt the need to proceed slowly, with
caution. He focused on answered her question instead.

“There’s nothing I can’t do
remotely.”

Marcio thought about the phone call he
had overheard, and wondered if now was the time to reveal what he
knew.

No more secrets.

“I have something to tell you, and I
don’t know if I should or not, but I don’t want there to be any
more secrets between us.”

Helen looked fearfully at him,
wondering what more there could be.

Marcio explained about what he had
heard in the park; that Daniel’s motives appeared to be driven by
business. He was rewarded by a look of relief in Helen’s face.

“You’re not upset?” Marcio was
surprised by her reaction.

“No, it actually makes it easier. I was
worried that I was keeping the twins away from a father who really
wanted to be in their lives, who wanted the best for them. Knowing
that he’s just trying to leverage some deal makes it the easiest
decision in the world. Time enough when they’re older for them to
know their dad, if they want. We don’t need to conceal from them
that he exists. But now,” she looked over at the little wriggling
forms, “Now they need nothing but love in their lives.”

Lying in bed that night, Helen mused on
the last 24 hours. She felt drained, like she had lived through a
year’s worth of emotions, and was still trying to make sense of
them all. She thought about Marcio lying next to her, his gentle
breathing a calming rhythm. To know that she had almost lost him
made the bottom drop from her stomach. She wished there was a way
she could convince him that he was the only father the twins had or
needed; that his place in their lives was assured forever.

She thought back to her mother’s words
about getting married. She thought about her own aborted wedding,
all the planning and pressure. Even if they wanted to get married,
she and Marcio could hardly handle that now. And Marcio, standing
at the altar, watching his fiancée leave with someone else. Would
he ever take that trip up the aisle again?

Helen knew she should sleep; every
minute awake when the twins were quiet seemed a moment wasted.
Still she couldn’t get the idea out of her head, churning round and
round like a washing machine.

If only there were a way for us to tie
the knot without it being a big day with a white dress and oodles
of guests. I guess we could always get married in a registry
office, but it seems too formal, like I want to marry him for his
name, to give the children a father. We could run away to Vegas,
but it doesn’t seem the same with a couple of newborns in tow.
Besides, Daniel would have a field day if he ever found out.
Nothing screams bad parent like taking your kids to a city renowned
for gambling, drinking and crime.

As she turned over and plumped the
pillows, hoping to get an hour of sleep before one of the babies
needed a feed, she was no nearer to a solution. Still, it was
something to think about while they were in Devon.

Chapter
Twenty

The wind whistled round them as they
stood on the platform waiting for the train to arrive. Helen wasn’t
aware of the cold; she felt cocooned inside a fleecy blanket, as
Marcio held his arm tightly around her waist. The twins were
bundled in their snowsuits, only their precious faces visible
through the fur hoods.

Pulling his coat tighter, Marcio looked
around at the amount of bags they had with them, and chuckled. “Are
we going for a month?”

“Babies need lots of stuff,” Helen
laughed, the sound muffled by the scarf wound round her neck,
“although don’t tell me what exactly. It’s lucky Mum’s managed to
borrow a couple of travel cots, otherwise we’d really be
overloaded.”

As it was they had to enlist the help
of the guard to get the twins and all their baggage on the train
before the doors hissed shut behind them. Helen felt the motion of
the train pulling out of the station as the floor vibrated beneath
her feet. She felt lighter, as if she had taken off heavy boots and
left them behind on the platform. Swaying slightly and trying not
to bump her sleeping bundle against anyone, she slid into the seat
opposite Marcio and grinned.

“I feel like we’re escaping.”

“We are, aren’t we?” Marcio grinned
back. “I’m sorry if I rather like the idea of Daniel banging on the
flat door in a rage.”

Helen frowned at his words. She had
seen Daniel when he was angry, and it wasn’t something she wanted
to contemplate, even if she knew she wouldn’t be there to witness
it.

“I’m sorry,” Marcio reached his free
hand across the table, instantly contrite. “We won’t talk about
him. We mustn’t let him come between us again.”

“It’s fine.” Helen forced herself to
smile, unwilling to spoil the holiday feel that surrounded them. “I
know together we can fight him, I’m just worried. We can’t hide in
Devon forever.”

“Your mum seems to think he doesn’t
have any right to sue for custody of the children. It will be okay,
I’m sure of it.”

“I am too, but you don’t know Daniel
like I do. He doesn’t give in easily.” Helen faced the window,
barely conscious of the changing scenery, as dirty-grey buildings
gave way to endless fields dotted with sheep.

“Then we’ll go visit my parents. Let
him try to find us at the vineyard. Helen.”

She turned at the note of urgency in
his voice.

“Don’t leave me again. We need to face
this together.” Marcio could hear a hint of panic in his voice.
When Helen’s face went blank he could see her retreating into
whatever dark place she had been living in for the last few weeks.
He couldn’t reach her in that place and it scared him.

Helen shook her head, as if trying to
dislodge the clouds that surrounded her.

“I’m sorry.” Taking a deep breath she
pushed her cheeks up into a smile. “I just need to tell him, you
know, that I’m going to fight him. When I’ve said the words it will
be easier. I’ll be able to gauge better how difficult he is going
to make things for us.”

“Why don’t you call him?”

Helen’s heart began to race faster than
the train and her mouth went dry. “No, not now. Maybe later.”

Marcio looked shrewdly at her face and
nodded. Jasmine began to stir and then cry quietly. “Time for a
feed I think.”

Helen wasn’t sure how she felt about
breastfeeding on the train. It was the thing that had made her most
nervous about the trip to Devon. Looking round she could see that
the train was still quiet. Nestling into the corner of her seat she
made sure Jasmine was feeding okay then gently laid a muslin over
her shoulder to hide anything from prying eyes. It was strangely
soothing, watching the scenery flash past as Jasmine fed. The world
paused, allowing her to find her feet.

Look at Marcio lounging on the opposite
seat, with James asleep on his shoulder, Helen felt as if she was
sat on a sunny beach with the ocean lapping at her feet.
He
really is rather gorgeous. I can’t believe I didn’t fight harder
when I thought he was going to leave.