Baby Love Lite (8 page)

“
Excuse me, Tylar; I don’t
mean to burst your happy balloon here but don’t you think that I'd
that same kind of trust with Ian?”

“
I’m sorry; of course you
did. I’m just totally shocked by this. I mean you're right. You had
every reason to trust Ian just as much as I trust Trey. Is it
possible that he was just caught at a weak moment? Is your marriage
worth saving? What about counseling?”

“
I can’t exist in a marriage
where my trust has been shattered. Maybe some women can but to use
your line: I don’t roll that way!”

She started sobbing again. I hugged her and
listened to her as she ranted and raved and then cried again.

“
Do you want to stay here
with Trey and me for a few days, Gina? You know, maybe if you just
put some time and distance between you and Ian, you can get some
perspective.”

“
Why do I need
perspective?”

“
Well, because you know Ian
has to come home sooner or later at some point when he feels you've
cooled off and aren’t likely to pull a Lorena Bobbitt on
him.”

For the first time I saw a flicker of
amusement cross her face. “No, Ty, I need to be at our condo. Ian
might change the locks and then I'll be shit out of luck.”

I knew that Ian would never do that. So did
Gina. Deep down inside, Gina wanted some type of explanation from
Ian, something to assure her that his infidelity wasn't about her
sexual prowess or attractiveness. “Do you want to stay and have
dinner with us? I mean, Trey doesn’t practice family law, but I’m
sure he can recommend an attorney at his firm if that's the path
you really want to take.”

“
Thanks, Ty, but I don’t
think that I could handle having the Hot Nazi feeling sorry for me.
He might actually be pleasant to me and I know that would piss me
off. My emotions are just too raw right now. I'd appreciate you
speaking to him and getting a referral for me.”

“
Of course I will! I'll be
here for you just as you've always been there for me. Have you
talked to your mom about this?’

“
No way. I asked Aunt Becky
to do it. If you thought I had an East coast temper, you should see
my mom’s! It’s better if she hears the news from Aunt
Becky.”

Gina and I finally had lunch though she
didn’t eat much. She was totally destroyed by this and I'd have
been the same way had it been me.

Trey was home promptly at 6:00 p.m. I'd just
started dinner. He found me in the kitchen and pulled me into his
strong arms, holding me tightly. I was totally out of sorts with
the day that I had.

“
How are you, baby?” he
asked.

“
Bad day all around,” I
said. “Were you able to find out anything more about
Jean?”

“
Not really,” he replied.
“One witness said it was a late model SUV and appeared to have
out-of-state license plates. He said it was as if the driver
swerved to make sure that he hit Jean. It makes no
sense.”

“
I’m still in shock,” I
said. “What if she doesn’t pull through?"

“
Hey, don’t think like that,
honey! Jean's a strong woman. I called her daughter Cathy this
afternoon and the doctors are very optimistic that she'll
recover.”

“
I hope so. I feel so
guilty. I’m not sure why.”

Trey pulled back from me, tilting my chin
upward to kiss me softly on the lips. “Sweetie, you've no reason to
feel guilty about anything. It was a random act of some sort. It
has nothing to do with you or me, okay?”

I nodded but I wasn't convinced that he was
right. Something about this had my stomach tied in knots of fear.
There was something personal about it, though I wasn’t sure how it
could possibly be linked to Trey or to me. “I've more bad news, I’m
afraid.”

Trey looked over at me, taking a peeled
carrot from the cutting board to snack on as he waited for the
news.

“
When Gina came for lunch
today she was devastated. She caught Ian in the act of cheating
with one of his young female employees. She's beside herself. She
asked if you'd represent her in divorce proceedings.”

“
Hmmph,” he grunted, “I'd be
more inclined to represent Ian - pro bono.”

“
What?” I snapped. “This
isn’t a joke, Trey. He's freaking destroyed her.”

“
Oh, come on! You don’t
think in Gina’s own way she hasn't emasculated him over the years?
It was just a matter of time before Ian discovered he had some
balls.”

“
What the hell are you
saying? Do you actually think that there's any excuse for
cheating?”

“
I didn't say that, Tylar.
Look, let’s not argue about Gina and Ian’s business,
okay?”

I didn’t answer him, continuing to peel
vegetables for our salad.

“
Where’s ‘Chubbers’?” he
asked, clearly wanting to change the subject. Trey had taken to
referring to her now as "Chubbers". I didn't care for the nickname.
My baby was at a healthy weight.

“
Don’t call her that,” I
reminded him again. “She’s in her crib napping. I put her down
about an hour ago. Would you look in on her?”

“
I’d be happy to do that,”
he said heading down the hall to check on Preston. I knew he would
end up waking her up. Several minutes later he reappeared cradling
her in his arms.

“
Tylar,” he said in a
serious tone.

I looked up at him from where I'd continued
chopping up carrots for our salads. Preston gave me a dimpled grin
from her vantage point against Trey’s chest.

“
I changed her diaper just
now. What’s with the rash that she still has on her bottom? Why
aren’t you doing anything for it?”

I didn’t know what it was. Perhaps it was the
stress over what I'd just learned about Jean; perhaps it was Trey’s
cavalier attitude about Ian’s cheating on Gina or maybe it was the
repetitive nightmares that I'd been having about losing Preston.
All I knew was that in that nanosecond I lost it. “What the hell!”
I screamed, startling both Trey and the baby as I slammed the knife
down on the chopping block.

I saw Preston’s little face scrunch up in
tears; her thumb went immediately into her mouth.

She buried her face into Trey’s chest and
whimpered against him. Trey gathered her closer to him as if he was
protecting her from me - the enemy. This was so unfamiliar to her.
It was unfamiliar to all of us.

“
I take good care of my
baby!” I yelled. “Who are you to tell me otherwise?” I pushed past
Trey and Preston, tossing the dish towel I'd wiped my hands with
back behind me where it floated to the floor.

I didn’t stick around to watch as Trey’s face
took on a totally different persona. I heard him start the
automatic timer on Preston’s swing and imagined that he'd placed
her there so that he could deal with me. I was glad, in that moment
that I'd fled the room for my own safety. I found my solace in our
own room, flinging myself on the bed. My body was racked with sobs
and tears. It was only moments before Trey was there on the bed,
sitting down beside me. He observed my meltdown. He did nothing,
letting me sob for a while. He probably figured that was my ‘just
desserts’ for losing it out there in front of the baby.

“
Tylar,” he finally implored
in a soft and sane tone, “what the hell is going on?”

I sat up and looked at him, brushing the
tears from my face. I gathered courage from somewhere in the depths
of my being. “I can’t take it when you say that I’m not a good
mother,” I choked, still fighting tears. “I love that baby more
than life itself. Don’t you get that?”

He was watching me quizzically, almost as if
he thought I'd gone off of the deep end. “Sweetie,” he said softly,
“I wasn’t criticizing you in any way, shape or form. This is all
new to me as well. It was just that when I changed her diaper, I
was kind of . . . well, taken aback at the rash she has going on. I
didn’t mean to accuse you of not taking care of her properly.
Please believe me.”

I was still sobbing, letting all of my fears
and tension release for now. I felt better in doing so. I'd needed
this release. My only regret was that my husband and daughter had
witnessed it. I hadn’t wanted that at all.

“
Trey,” I said, sighing
heavily, “This has been a very tough day on me. I’m shaken because
of Jean and what Gina is going through, but I’m also worried about
Preston.”

“
Baby, it’s just a rash,” he
started.

“
No, not just the rash,” I
explained tentatively, “I’ve been having nightmares about Preston.
It’s as if I can’t keep her safe. There’s nothing more definitive
than that in my dreams. I’m worried.”

“
Sweetie,” he started,
“you're a new mom, but I promise you that you're doing everything
right. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Trey was just not getting it. He didn't
realize the depths of my concern and my fear for her. He didn’t
know just how worried I'd become. He was staring at me now. It was
that look I'd seen before as if he expected me to crumble into a
million pieces. Our reverie was broken by the sound of the baby
crying. It was her hungry cry; I recognized it. I felt the
‘letdown’ in my breasts. My milk was coming in and my breasts were
full and begging for release.

I couldn’t handle nursing her right now. I
couldn’t deal with the closeness that came with nursing my baby
girl. Trey watched as I did nothing after hearing the sound of her
cry. He left the room and promptly returned holding Preston,
bringing her toward me and holding her for me to take. I took her
from him tentatively. She recognized my touch, my scent, my
nearness. I held her close and she immediately started nuzzling
against me. She wanted her fulfillment from me; I wasn’t prepared
to give it to her right now. I was starting to have fears and
apprehension where she was concerned. Trey was watching me, his
face not bothering to mask his concern at my impassiveness towards
the baby. He'd never seen that before. I was suddenly afraid to be
close to her; I was too attached. What if she wasn’t here for the
long haul? I pulled her from me, handing her back to Trey.

“
There are bottles in the
fridge,” I said my voice shaking. “Will you please feed
her?”

He took the baby from me and immediately she
started kicking and fussing in protest. I heard him murmuring
softly to her as he took her down the hall towards the kitchen
where he would heat up a bottle of my breast-pumped milk and feed
her before she went down for the night.

I quickly changed into a nightgown and
crawled into the safe comfort of our bed not wanting to think about
anything but falling into a deep, dark sleep. My wishes were
granted. I didn’t want anything to do with my baby, for now. It
just wasn’t safe.

I'd been sleeping for a while when I heard
Preston fussing again from her bedroom. I felt Trey get up and
leave our bed, returning in a couple of minutes with Preston in his
arms. I pretended to sleep, never opening my eyes. I felt Trey
lower himself down onto the bed, and fumble with my nightgown
trying to lower the neckline in order to place Preston next to me
so that she could nurse. I rolled my body away from them into a
tight ball, leaving him and my hungry baby staring at my back. I
heard Trey curse softly under his breath as he left our bed. He
returned a few moments later with Preston and a bottle. I could
hear him coaxing her to take the bottle as she fussed wanting my
breast instead.

Tears stained my cheeks as I did nothing to
remedy the situation. Trey was finally able to persuade her to take
the nipple of the bottle into her mouth. I heard her finally start
sucking away on it hungrily. What kind of a piece of shit mother
was I?

I fell back into a restless and troubled
sleep. My dreams haunted me; the one I had this night was the worst
ever. I dreamed that I was wandering around a cemetery by myself; I
was tired, hungry and totally disheveled. I'd no clue as to where I
was or how I'd gotten there. I tripped over a branch that had
fallen from a large oak tree in the cemetery; rain was pounding
down around me in torrents. I tried in vain to get my bearings in
this dark, wet cemetery. On the ground crawling in inches after my
fall, my hands frantically searched to find something stable. I
finally grasped something that felt human, or at least previously
human. I scooted up towards what I'd been touching with my hands.
It was cold and unyielding. My eyes finally adjusted to the dark
and I could make out the features. I shrieked in fear and in
disgust.

It was
Jean!

Her features were distorted by decay. Her
skin was dark brown and textured like leather. I found the strength
to raise myself up and onto my feet. I wanted to run as fast and as
far away as possible from what I'd just discovered. I felt the bile
rise up in my throat. I stumbled over a flat gravestone and
sprawled once again onto the ground of the cemetery; the rain was
pelting against my skin from all directions.

I blinked my eyes trying to get some focus
against the raindrops which were mercilessly assaulting my face. I
was now belly-crawling through this unnamed cemetery looking for
any exit out of the nightmare. My hand brushed against another flat
headstone that felt smooth to the touch. The raised mound of dirt
on this side of it reflected a fresh grave. It was a tiny grave.
There was an outline of an angel engraved into the headstone. I
stared into the face of the angel then lowered my gaze to see what
was encrypted in the marble: