Back to the Top (Ross Records) (3) (17 page)

“I just missed all of you so much,” was all I managed to say around the lump in my throat. “It was hard trying to get past all of it.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” he said, ducking his head. “I’m so damn sorry for all that I put you through. I loved you so much – still do – yet I hurt you so badly. I’ll never forgive myself.”

“I forgave you, Jake,” I said. “You need to forgive yourself.”

“I know,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “I know.”

I shifted again, turning to face him fully. “How did it start?”

Taking a deep breath, he released it, closing his eyes and dropping my hand in order to pinch the bridge of his nose. “It started because of Dad. I know, it’s a crutch, but I was just too weak to handle the pain.”

“Jake,” I started, but he shook his head, not looking at me.

“You know, already, how close I was to my dad. But, you weren’t there growing up. I barely remember my mother – just images. She left when Greta was only a year old. Dad stepped up, trying to be Mom and Dad to both of us. He ran himself ragged, working ten hours a day, coming home to cook, do laundry, run us to practices and rehearsals. Rarely did he ever miss a t-ball game or a dance recital or a middle school band concert. But he wasn’t just a parent, you know?”

I didn’t say a word – knowing a rhetorical question when I heard one.

“Do you remember when we took a break when we were dating when you were in high school?”

I nodded, even though his eyes were still closed. I remembered that time well. The stress of the paparazzi and Monique DuVois and school and everything else. Yes, that was still in the back of my head.

“That day – the day after my birthday – when you left out of here, hurt and upset because of Monique. Well, I called my dad and he was there, talking to me, trying to make me see what all of that was doing to you. He knew how much I loved you and I never told him. He just knew. He loved you, too, Iz. He had told me several times after he first met you that you were exactly what I needed. He said you were a sweet girl who was grounded. He said that he could tell that you loved me, Jake, the real person, and not the rock star image. And he adored you. Just like Greta. But he was the one to make me see what all the stress was doing to us. He didn’t want me to end my relationship with you – he talked to me, helping me to work out what was best for the both of us.”

I nodded again, all those painful memories returning. But he’d been right – both of them had been. Even though it had hurt to call things off, I’d been able to focus on school and get through finals and SATs and everything else. And then Jake and I had reconciled.

“When he died,” Jake continued, his soft voice laced with pain, “I couldn’t take it. The hurt in my heart was too much to bear. I tried. And I knew you were there for me, just like Nick and Ronnie and Matt – but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t make the pain stop.”

He paused, turning his head to gaze off into the distance. “And then I went to a party one night. A party that a different label was throwing for their newest star. You were at your parents’ house and I just went. I met a couple of guys who invited me to join them in their hotel room for a private party. I wasn’t an angel before that – I’d tried pot before but never got into it. But they gave me coke and after I did it, I didn’t feel a thing. And I liked it.”

I sucked in a breath to stifle my tears. I didn’t need to fall apart on him now.

“It was stupid, Iz. The dumbest thing I ever did. But I couldn’t stop. I wanted it because it made me feel good for a little while. But pretty soon, I wanted it all the time. The pain was worse when I wasn’t doing it – it was a vicious cycle. My body would hurt and ache until I had that shit in my system. And then I was hooked. And I was spiraling down fast and hard.”

He stopped, turning in his chair to look me straight in the eye. “I was going down, Iz, and I was going down hard. I was scared but I couldn’t stop. I’d already been arrested for DUI and I knew I needed to quit but I couldn’t. I was out of control. Finally, one night when my head was somewhat clear, I knew I had to let you go. I couldn’t go on that way, hurting you and messing up your life. I had to cut ties and let you get on with your life. I didn’t want you to crash and burn with me.”

“I wanted to be here for you,” I said, my voice weak.

“I know,” he said as he took my hands and gave them a squeeze. “I know. And I love you even more for that, but, if you would have been in my position, what would you have done?”

That was all I needed for him to say to put it into perspective for me. I would have done the same. Although it would have killed me to let him go, it was better than the alternative.

But still…

“I understand, Jake, I really do. And I appreciate what you did for me,” I said, catching my breath. “But I still wanted to help. I didn’t want to be totally shut out.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said, dropping one of my hands to rake his hair back. “But, I guess we all did what we needed to do at the time.”

“So,” I said. “How did you finally stop?”

“Nick.”

“You’re out of control, man,” Nick said, his hands shaking with anger. “You’re screwing everything up. The studio’s so pissed, they’re about to dump us.”

“Whatever,” Jake said with a careless wave of the hand. “Maybe we just suck. You ever think about that?”

“Nah, we don’t suck,” Nick growled. “You just can’t keep your shit straight long enough to care. Look at you, man! You’re a hot mess! You can’t lay off the coke, you’re losing your friends, you’re losing your band and you already lost your girl. Good thing too, she was way too good for this shit.”

Jake grabbed Nick by his shirt, pushing him against the wall. “Shut up about her.”

“Why, truth hurt?”

Cocking his arm back, Jake swung, connecting with Nick’s jaw. Nick flinched and yanked out of Jake’s grip.

“You’re losing me too, man,” he said as he walked out.

Jake spent the night, shaking and shivering, trying to keep his mind clear. Sitting in the basement, staring at the photos Greta had framed and hung, he made a decision. Only then did he drop into a restless sleep.

The next morning, he woke, head pounding and eyes crusted, and found Nick sleeping on the couch.

“Dude, get up, please,” he pleaded, hands trembling, knees buckling. Nick sat up, running a hand through his hair as Jake stood before him, tears falling absently from his eyes.

“Help me, man. Greta and the guys won’t speak to me. I hit you. And I lost Iz. I can’t do this anymore.”

After a moment, Nick stood and put his hands on Jake’s shoulders. He was shocked at the tremor coursing through Jake’s body. “It’ll be hard, man. Real hard.”

“I know. But I got to get clean.”

Nick pulled him into a hug, clapping him on the back. “Let’s do this then.”

“He pretty much saved my life,” Jake said, his eyes foggy with memory. “And, you, too.”

“Me?” I asked.

He nodded. “You were in my head the whole time. I kept telling myself that if I got clean then I could get Iz.” He smiled, shaking our joined hands. “Look who’s holding my hand now?”

I grinned back, but it was forced. “I’m proud of you Jake, for fighting and overcoming this. But why did you not let anyone see you? Greta told me that you wouldn’t let anyone visit.”

Taking a deep breath, he ducked his head. “I was ashamed. And I was a mess. I didn’t want my little sister or you to see me like that. I only allowed Nick to come once a week and that was just because I needed to know what was going on outside those walls.”

My heart ached to think about what he’d gone through, but he was too proud to go into detail so I didn’t press.

“I had to do it, Iz,” he said. “And I had to do it on my own. I was the one who got into that mess and I had to fix it by myself.”

“So, are you okay now?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah. I mean, there are still times when I have that craving, but Nick is good about helping me to keep my mind off of it. We’ve done work on the house, built the deck, work out in the weight room or work on the car. It helps.”

I smiled, the first genuine smile since the conversation started. “I’m glad.”

He squeezed my hand. “Me, too.”

“So, do you think we jumped back into things too soon?” I asked, wondering if this didn’t work out, what it would do to his rehabilitation.

“Iz,” he said with a long sigh. “If you want to slow down, we will.”

“Please answer my question.”

He cocked his head, a smile toying with his lips. “No, I don’t. I think we fell naturally back into place. Do we have things to work out? Yes, we do. But they’re little things and we’re getting to them. It’s not like I’m proposing or anything. Yet.”

That little grin morphed into a huge smile that made my heart perform a gymnastic floor routine worthy of Olympic competition.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I said.

“Never,” he said as he yanked me out of my chair and into his lap. “But you’re here now and I’m not letting you go again.”

I sank into him, shuddering as his lips ran up and down my neck. We’d been taking things slow but my body was urging me to step up the beat.

“Hey, there you guys are,” Nick said, stepping out onto the deck. “Oh, I’m not interrupting, am I?”

“Yes,” Jake murmured.

“No,” I said, trying not to giggle. “Hey, Nick. I’ve missed you.”

“I doubt that,” he said with a hint of a smile. “But I had to hang out with my mom for a few days.”

“Your mom?” Jake asked, distracted from my neck. “She okay?”

“Yeah,” Nick said, scrubbing his face. “I thought I told you I’d be at her place for a few days. Anyway, she had outpatient surgery – some female stuff – and didn’t want me telling you guys about it. She said you ‘boys’ would go overboard and drive her crazy worrying about nothing.”

Jake laughed. “Yeah, well, she was probably right. Is she okay?”

“She’s fine,” Nick said, waving a hand. “What’s been going on here – or do I want to know?”

Jake quickly filled him in, asking him to take us to look at cars in order to remove the dark, angry look that had clouded Nick’s eyes at the mention of Brad.

“No problem,” Nick said, studying me. “You okay, Iz?”

“Never better,” I said.

“Good,” he said, falling into the chair I’d vacated. “I’ll take you guys tomorrow to look at cars if that’s okay.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jake said, wrapping his arms around my waist. “You talk to Rob lately? He said something a few weeks ago about us shooting a video.”

“He emailed me some possible site locations and ideas,” Nick said. “But nothing definite.”

Jake nodded, tightening his hold on me. “I hope he gets it set up soon. I’d like to get it done and ready to go soon.”

“You work too much,” I mumbled, earning a laugh from Nick.

“He’s psycho sometimes,” Nick said, stifling a yawn. “Just thinking about it makes me tired. Maybe I’ll go rustle up some grub. You guys hungry?”

Jake said he was, naturally.

We ate together at the table, reminiscing about the past, laughing over silly stories. I couldn’t help but to think that this was exactly where I needed to be. If only Brad wasn’t constantly hanging over my head like a dark cloud threatening rain.

We all pitched in to clean up the kitchen and, after watching TV for awhile, retired for the evening. As I snuggled into Jake’s arms, my body woke, craving him like an ex-smoker craving nicotine. I kissed him, tentatively, on the neck, wondering if he would rebuke me as he had in the past when I was still in school. When he didn’t, I continued my trail of kisses to his throat and up to his lips.

“Iz,” he groaned, into my mouth. “Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“Um hm,” I muttered. “And we decided that it was good that we didn’t just jump into a physical relationship but after all that talking, well, I figure it’s about time.”

He chuckled, a crooked grin bursting on his lips. Wrapping his arms around me, he shifted so that he was hovering over me.

“You’re a smart girl, Iz,” he said, showering kisses all over my face. “I admire that.”

Tugging the shirt over his head, I traced my name tattooed on his heart. “That’s nice, Jake. Now stop talking and remind me of the other reasons why I love you.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said as he helped me out of my clothes. “Anything for you.”

Fourteen

The next morning, Nick drove us to a row of car dealerships just outside of Chicago. I gave up protesting – it hadn’t done a bit of good – and followed them from lot to lot, searching for the perfect car. Finally, we found something that I liked – a BMW convertible that was the prettiest shade of blue. I tried to hide my delight, but Jake could see it in my eyes. Taking my hand, he led me to the sales office to haggle over price and extras.

An hour later, we drove the car home.