Backstage Pass: All Access (8 page)

“Loud and clear, baby. Lead the way.”

It took some creativity, but I managed to get us out of the room, down the hall and to the elevator before anyone of note saw us, and even then, it was only the roadie who’d given me the backstage passes. I stared at him and dared him to stop us. He gave me a chin jut of acceptance as the elevator doors slid closed. A high-pitched voice tried to point out our escape, but we were already headed down to my floor before what she said got through.

I led him to my room, peeling
his hands off me the entire time. I was so not in the mood for any of that until he was wearing nothing but the scent of hotel soap. I ushered him straight into the bathroom and pointed at the shower. “Clean up, then we’ll talk about what just happened.”

Like a wounded pup
, he did what he was told and I sat down hard on the end of the bed and tried to quit shaking.

Jesse manage
d to be fast about the shower. When he came out with nothing more than a towel wrapped around his hips, I had a hard time staying mad at him. He looked a little more sobered up.

I
twisted my hands and tried to figure out where to start to put us back together. I was a mess.

He s
at down on the bed next to me and carefully gathered my hand. He stared at my fingers. “I am so sorry, Sasha. I thought I’d be better at this.”

My voice clog
ged in my throat. “At what?”

He trace
d the line of my fingernail, still not looking at me. “This. This traveling and groupies and not being with you.”

Now my heart
was pounding and I was getting scared about what he was trying to say. I didn’t want to take advantage of his drunken state and pry more information out of him, but at the same time I wasn’t sure I could go on knowing there might be a secret between us.

I so
didn’t want there to be one.

He
stroked my hand, petting it with a guilty rhythm.

I s
tood and took a few steps away, my back to the bed. My lungs were so tight I could barely suck in air. I didn’t want to know. But I had to ask. The words were barely a whisper. “What happened, Jesse?”

He
didn’t answer for a really long time.

Long enough that I th
ought I was going to pass out from the lack of breath. I couldn’t turn around. I couldn’t hear this while I was looking away, let alone while I was watching him. My fingers squeezed my arms until pain streaked up and down my muscles. My eyes burned with unshed tears and I didn’t even know why I thought I should be crying. I should be that super tough girl who didn’t take shit from anyone, let alone my rock god boyfriend who’d been on tour for weeks.

But I
couldn’t be tough.

Not in this moment.

His arms eased around my waist and his cheek nestled against mine. The tears blurred my vision and I blinked them away and drew a shaky breath.

“I fucked up, Sasha.”

I wanted to clamp my hands over my ears and race screaming down the hallway.
Please don’t let me have traveled all this way to hear something horrible.
And why didn’t he tell me before now, why not when it happened? How had he been talking to me on the phone all those nights and not let on that anything bad was going on?

“You’ve been my stronghold Sasha. You’ve been my lighthouse through all of this.”

“And?” He couldn’t say those things when I knew he was about to unleash something awful. I wanted to be mad and furious and mean, but I also just wanted to get it over with.

He sigh
ed and it ruffled my hair. “Someone brought ecstasy to a party. I’d been really good about not drinking anything other than a few beers after the concerts. Everyone is getting ripped every night—”

“So that
made it okay?”

“No! No, that’s not what
I was trying to say at all. You saw that upstairs. It was a freak show. I usually go to my room and no one bugs me. That’s when I call you and then I work on new songs.”

“But someone forced ecstasy down your throat?”

“I wish. No. We had a really great concert and I decided to have a drink—I think someone put some in there because the next thing I knew I was waking up naked in bed with four different girls.”

I want
ed to puke.

***

This was not even remotely going as planned. I was not supposed to be the one to fuck this up. Neither of us were. We were finally doing everything right. But I was not going to be a typical rock star—drinking and whoring and cheating.

Right now I want
ed to curl up in Sasha’s arms and let her soothe away this pain. I was such an ass I could barely even stand to be in the same room.

When I
’d woken up this morning naked, spent, and with someone else’s ass in my hands, I nearly called her and asked her not to come. I’d never known shame quite like that moment. It was all I could do right now to keep from falling to her feet and begging her forgiveness that I didn’t deserve.

“None of that explains what I just saw upstairs.”
Her voice was shaking with fury baked into every word.

Heat bloom
ed up my face. I’d done that on purpose so Sasha would see me and leave. So I could avoid this moment right here because I was too weak to come right out and tell her what had happened. I’d been running from Sasha all night and that miniskirt girl had been relentless. When I spotted Sasha coming into the room, I finally gave in to her pursuit so it could serve my own purpose. “That was one of the girls from last night. She thought . . .” I cleared my throat. “She thought we could have a repeat.”

Sasha stiffen
ed and a tremble ran through her that was either fury or fear and neither of those were good for me. “I’m sorry, Sasha.” There was no other explanation or reasoning. “I knew it was so stupid to tell you that I got drugged. That doesn’t make it okay. I’m so sorry.”

I turn
ed her in my arms but she was still stiff and unyielding. I didn’t know what to do, so I backed us to the bed and pulled her down with me. She bounced once like a board and turned away from me. There was a sheen of tears on her cheeks and they punched me right in the guts. I tried to kiss them away. “Sasha, say something. I’m so sorry.”

My towel f
ell away and I didn’t think being naked was helping my cause but I couldn’t let go of her to go get dressed. Her tears wouldn’t stop and I pulled her to me and wrestled the covers over us and I held her and apologized while each tear burned my flesh where it touched. I couldn’t convince myself that I didn’t deserve her because I did. I did deserve her because she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. “It will never happen again. Please Sasha. Please let me fix this.”

She sh
ook her head and more tears fell against my chest. She tried to wiggle away but I held her, knowing that if I let her go now I wouldn’t ever get her back and that didn’t work for me. “Please say something. Please tell me we are going to be okay.”

She sniff
ed and another round of tears started. I held her tight and the crying took its toll until she nearly exhausted herself. I gathered her to me and her body yielded just a little so her curves fit against me. I wished she’d say something so I could at least rebut what she was thinking and start making my case for why she couldn’t leave me and why I needed her forgiveness. But she just kept crying.

I was
still not thinking very clearly, but part of me wondered if she was crying for her dad too, because I was an extra special ass who had managed to reopen every single wound she’d had in her lifetime. Opened it, poured salt in it, added some lemon juice and vodka.

Maybe
I didn’t deserve her.

My own tears slid silently down my cheeks and I rock
ed back and forth while I held her. “Please don’t leave me, baby.”

I
held her until the sun came up. She never said a word and eventually slid into a hiccupping sleep. My eyes burned with the exhaustion of two very long nights and a day between that overflowed with guilt and the adrenaline rush of a concert.

Before finally falling asleep,
I pressed my lips to her forehead and closed my eyes for just a second, hopeful that when we woke up we were going to talk this through and everything was going to be okay.

I stood over the bed for almost twenty minutes watching Jesse sleep, knowing it was going to be the last time. I didn’t have a lot of deal breakers, but cheating was at the top of my list. I still couldn’t believe that after all the work and effort we’d put into rebuilding something wonderful, he’d managed to let it go in one night of bad judgment.

I couldn’t say anything to him last night, and even now I
didn’t know what to say. Technically, we should be even. I fucked up the first go round, he got the second, but we were foolish for thinking he could go touring while he was in a committed relationship. He should have been enjoying himself; partying, fucking, drinking. It was the rock star life. It was why guys dream of being rock stars. And I didn’t want him to miss any part of it.

I set the folded paper on the edge of the bed where he’
d see it when he woke. I explained everything in there; why we couldn’t be together, why we were both better off. I was sure he’d have a good argument and I almost felt bad for walking away and not staying to have it in person, but I couldn’t. I’d tried last night and I knew that a face-to-face would just lead to more crying and no talking.

There
was nothing to talk about. He’d cheated. He was a rock star. I wasn’t into either.

I was
into him and he’d asked me to never make him choose.

So
I was choosing for him.

As much as it kill
ed me to think about a life without him, I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t wonder who was drugging him and who was looking out for him and who was trying to get in his pants.

And now he
didn’t have to worry about it either.

I smooth
ed the hair back from his forehead and kissed his temple while my heart broke in half.

The driver from last night
took me to the airport and I got a cab home so I didn’t have to talk to Kerri. She wasn’t expecting me for another two days, so I’d have silence to sort through where I went next.

I
t was so much silence that I was nearly suffocating in it. I wanted to scream and rail and cry and throw things. This was not how our relationship was supposed to go. He was supposed to be different and better and smarter.

Smarter
!
He was supposed to be smarter. Smarter than me, smarter than my dad, smarter than the groupies.

A sob burst from my chest and my knees wobbled, forcing me to grab the edge of the counter to steady myself.

No one could take on the rock star life and come out unscathed. The only good part of this that I managed to find was that we figured it out early. That we didn’t waste ten years of our lives figuring this out. That we hadn’t tried to start a family—that thought punched me right in the gut when I thought about another me waiting for her dad to come home between gigs.

My phone
rang and rang and he kept leaving messages, but I couldn’t listen to them. Not yet. Right now I was too weak. It would have been too easy to slip back into where we were and trust that “this time” would be different.

It w
ouldn’t.

The flowers start
ed arriving the next morning. Not just a single bouquet. But dozens of them. By the time the afternoon rolled around there was nowhere else to put them, so I stopped answering the door. They all had cards in them but I knew what they said.

The next morning
’s delivery managed to catch me a little off guard. I wouldn’t have even accepted it, but the delivery guy showed up right as I was going out for a run.

“Are you Sasha?”

I pulled my foot up behind me and stretched. “Maybe.”

“I have a delivery for you.”

Damn
. “Okay, just set it on the porch.” I jogged past him and made it to the end of the driveway.

“Yeah, I need you to sign.”

I jogged in place and glared at him, then at the car in my driveway. Some dickwad had left a Camaro parked on top of the sidewalk right behind my car. Must have been one of the new neighbors.
Who does that?

I
met him at the bumper of the car and signed for another bunch of flowers then he handed me a key. “Congrats. Someone thinks you’re pretty special.”

I stare
d at it, but none of it computed. “What’s this?”

He r
an a hand along the back fender of the car. “Enjoy it.”

“Wait! What?
Whose car is this?”

He smile
d and walked to his truck. “Yours.”

“No. I—” But he dr
ove off before I could refuse the delivery I’d just accepted.
You have got to be kidding me.
I stared open-mouthed at the car. This was not acceptable. He couldn’t buy his way out of guilt. I mean, he could, but I didn’t have to take it. I stared at the car for at least ten minutes, then I touched it with a single finger, a little shocked to discover that it was actually real.

I walk
ed back into the house and started reading cards and listening to messages, my run forgotten for the moment. They all said what I thought they’d say and they made my heart hurt.

“Sasha, there’s nothing I
can say that will undo what I did. All I can do is promise to be better. I can’t do this without you. You’re the reason I’m here. You’re the reason people come to hear me sing. Please call me so we can talk about this.”

This morning
I’d I woken up feeling nauseous, and listening to these was making it come back again. I swallowed it down and fixed myself a cold glass of water. My hands trembled and my forehead felt clammy and sweaty. I didn’t know what to do.

I s
at on the couch and stared at the dozen arrangements on my coffee table until they made my head swim and I had to lie down. Kerri texted me and I told her I was jet lagged and need to take a nap. Part of that was true and I had to figure things out on my own before she bombarded me with questions I had no answers for.

Sleep evaded me and my heart pounded through my oversensitive body un
til I could feel it everywhere—my feet, my stomach, my ears. Luckily I was all cried out. My doorbell rang again and I couldn’t believe he was still sending me stuff. I ignored this one too. Maybe he’d get the point if I had enough things sent back to him.

The d
elivery guy knocked again and I cringed and ran to my bedroom. I didn’t want to hear my door ever again. Kerri had a key, and she was the only person I wanted to see.

“
Sasha! Please.” The young female voice yanked me to a stop and I stepped back into the hallway. The door concealed any clues about the knocker’s identity, but if I crept closer I’d be able to see through the sidelight. The girl knocked again. “Come on, Sasha, I know you’re there.”

My breath gushed from my chest as I finally recognized the voice. It was Jesse’s sister, Miranda.

A glower turned all my features into stone. Now he’d gotten personal. I didn’t need him dragging his entire family into this. He wasn’t playing fair. And he’d made her drive all that way.

Part of me wanted to thrill at the effort he was putting into this, but the other part was not happy that he couldn’t just give me some frigging space.
She knocked again and I eased down the hallway.

My feet stuttered to a stop a few feet from the door. She peeked around the door and cupped the sides of her face against the window. I jumped, but she smiled when she saw me and waved. “I see you!”

I wanted to groan, but I adored Miranda. Adored her.

And Jesse knew that.

Which was why he’d sent her.

I opened the door and she tipped her head to the side, her bright smile fading a little. “You look like shit.”

I laughed and tugged her inside. “Thanks. Way to sugar coat it.”

She waved her hands to indicate all of me. “There’s no sugar coating this. Good grief, Sasha
, you look as bad as he sounds.”

My heart twisted like she’d fired an arrow straight through me.
He did sound awful. Each message had been worse than the last. She closed the door and pulled me into her arms. She was a foot shorter than me but the greatest hugger who’d ever lived. I clung to her and let the love wash over me. She cared about me so much . . . so much that she’d driven hours to be here. In this moment I didn’t care if Jesse had asked her to come or if she’d done it on her own, I ached to be a part of this family.

She curled her hands around my neck and lifted my face from her shoulder. I stared into
an identical pair of Jesse’s eyes and saw the same love there. She didn’t say anything, didn’t try to convince me of what decision she thought was right, she just showered me with understanding and unconditional love. If I’d had a single tear left in me, it would have fallen silently down my face.

She kissed my cheeks, then drew me to the couch and curled up beside me.
I laid my head on her shoulder and she petted my hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I didn’t, but I did.
I hiccupped and she let me sit there in silence for a while, then she made me a cup of tea. I sipped it, then slid down and put my head in her lap. She stroked my hair with a mother’s touch and drew a blanket over me. She was decades older than her years. And I drew in her strength.

When the words bubbled up, I didn’t stop them. I told her everything, from my dad to the sex . . . I purged all my mixed up feelings and she didn’t comment or judge. Well, maybe she judged, but she didn’t say anything or make any noises.
When I was done, she didn’t move, just kept on loving me. I felt bad for not sharing this horrid mess with Kerri, but she was on the wrong end of the spectrum with Axel and they were so in love I knew she’d pound me with questions and answers and advice. Right now I just wanted someone to listen.

No advice, just listening.

I sat up and struggled to pull myself together. “Sorry.”

Miranda smiled and patted my hand. “Nothing to be sorry about. I came over to see how you were, that kind of gives you free rein to act like you need to right now.
”

I leaned into the couch.
“I don’t know what to do, Miranda.”

“Who says you have to decide right now? I do think talking to him isn’t a horrible idea though . . .”

I flinched.

“Or not. Take it at your pace. You obviously know how he feels about this so the ball is kind of in your court. It’s up to you to decide if what you guys have is worth saving or if you’d rather toss the experience and chalk it up to one of life’s lessons.
”

I had a feeling this was going to end up as a life lesson. A horribly expensive one.
But how in the world was I going to handle this every time he went on tour. I had a new respect for my mom now. I couldn’t imagine including a kid in this. We hadn’t even talked about kids and I was so glad. That was a conversation I so didn’t look forward to.

“Maybe it’s better if we just do our separate things.”

“It’s your life, honey.” I knew Miranda really did mean it, and I wondered if there was any way we could still be friends. Of all the parts of Jesse’s life that I’d miss, his family was a massive chunk.

But I couldn’t stay for them either.

I stood and ran a hand through my tangled hair. “I’ll be right back.”

“Do you want me to fix lunch?”

My stomach growled. I had no idea when I’d last eaten. I smiled at her. I wanted her to stay as long as I could drag it out before we came to the conclusion that hanging out with my future ex-boyfriend’s sister wasn’t going to work. “That would be great. I don’t know what I have though.” My gaze bounced to the kitchen.

She stood. “I’ll find something.”

“Thanks. I’ll just be a sec.”

I needed to pee
and fix myself so I wasn’t quite so scary. In the bathroom I forced myself to meet my reflection and it was way worse than I’d imagined. I ran a comb through my hair and opened the medicine cabinet to grab my toothbrush. One of Kerri’s pregnancy tests fell into the sink and I rolled my eyes. Maybe they should think of a better birth control system. She seriously bought these things in bulk and sometimes I wondered if she was begging for a positive one. I shuddered. Jesse and I weren’t the best at protection, but at least I was on the pill.

Wouldn’t that be the shits.

I squeezed toothpaste onto my brush. Another wave of nausea rolled through my body and I covered my stomach with my palm as terror gripped my consciousness.

My gaze clashed with my reflection. “No. Nononono.” My knees buckled and I slid to the floor. There was no way I was pregnant. The nausea was just my nerves and the stress of the breakup.

I stared at the toilet, then at the test.

I needed to prove to myself that this was just nerves.

Because this was.

Just nerves.