Backstage Pass: All Access (4 page)

We stood wrapped around each other for a long time. I could feel the broken parts of my heart knitting back together while it was pressed against his. He kissed my temple and eased away. “I do think I should go though.”

Emotion clogged my throat and all I could do was nod. I so desperately wanted him to stay, but I kind of understood what he was saying too. And if he wanted to take this slow, I
’d go at a fricking snail’s pace.

“I’m not sure what’s up with my schedule this week, so I’ll text you?”

“Perfect.”

He took a big breath and blew it out, then stepped to the door. If he didn’t quit hesitating, I was going to launch myself at him again and drag him to the ground. I so didn’t want him to leave.
“I’m glad you came.”

His gaze roamed over me, touching all his favorite spots. “Me too,” he whispered. “Me too.”
With that, he sped out the door. As it closed behind him, I sagged to the floor and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t believe that had just happened.
Holy shit
.

I felt like I’d just been run through a blender. I flopped back on the floor. My phone rang, but I had zero energy to get up and get it.
Holy shit holy shit
. I couldn’t come up with any other expression to sum up what had just transpired. He’d really been here. He’d come to fix things, to put us back together.

I dropped my palms over my eyes. I was a lucky bastard
and there was no simplifying what had happened today. If I thought about it, it shouldn’t have surprised me that he was the one to put things rights. He’d always been the stable part of this relationship.

My breath shuddered as I exhaled. Thank goodness there was a relationship for him to stabilize.

My phone rang again and I
scrambled to my feet, grabbing my head as the blood surged through me. Emotions were running amok through my veins. I raced to the bedroom, but missed the call. It was Kerri. I texted her that I was fine.

We got in a giant texting war about whether I was lying or not and should she come over, but I finally won and she chilled and said she’d come over and make me breakfast in the morning. I relented. Maybe in twelve hours I’d have figured out what happened today enough to share it with her. I was too scared that it was so new and fragile that if I told her anything it would
fracture.

***

It took two days for Jesse to text me. Two agonizingly long days. Four hundred and twelve times I thought he’d changed his mind, but since I’d filled Kerri in on what happened, she was there to talk me off the ledge each time. His text was aggravatingly simple.

I’d lik
e to take you to dinner. Tonight. 7

I jump
ed around the room flailing like an idiot, but calmed down long enough to tap out a decent reply that didn’t make me sound like the groupie of all groupies. My heart was hammering in my chest. I felt like I’d seriously just earned backstage passes to the concert of a lifetime.

Kerri came out of the bathroom and jerked to a halt
when she saw my face. “What happened?”

I turned my phone around and wiggled it.

“No! Finally? He really texted you?”

I nodded emphatically.

Kerri squealed and ran at me, knocking me down. My elbow crashed into the wall, but it didn’t stifle my laughter. She sat up and grabbed the phone. “Tonight? We have no time!”

“It’s just Jesse.”

“
Just Jesse?
Are you kidding me?” She leapt to her feet. “
Just Jesse
is the guy who’s ruled your life for months, and nearly put you out of commission for the last few days!” She held out her hand for me and yanked me up beside her. Both of her hands settled on my cheeks and she pulled my face so close our noses touched. “You listen to me right now, Miss Sasha. You are going to rock that boy’s world tonight. This is not a grovel-fest where you beg him to take you back and you simper and whine and act like a wimpy little girl. Tonight you are going to take him back with force.”

“But . . .” I wasn’t sure I wanted to go along with any plan of Kerri’s that might jeopardize anything. This was my shot to fix everything, not make a stand.

“No.” She tightened her grip on my face. “He came here, remember?”

I nodded.

“He asked for this date. No matter what else has happened, he’s still pursuing you. Never forget that.”

“I don’t want to—”

“Shhh! That doesn’t mean you get to be a bitch, but you do get to be a queen. You get to keep your worth and you get to be someone worth pursuing tonight.” Her fingers trailed down my face and she grabbed my hands. “But first, we get to make you stunning.”

For the next two hours Kerri and I raced from store to store until she found the perfect “queen worthy” outfit.
I still really thought this was far more work than we should be putting into a dinner. It wasn’t like this was even a first date. We’d been dating for months. Kerri said that was the ‘old’ me, Jesse hadn’t gone out with this version before. I still thought the whole thing had a high probability of blowing up in my face, but whatever. She was having a blast dressing me up and I didn’t mind the feeling of being wrapped up so tightly in her cocoon of bliss. I was in my own state of happidom, so it all worked out.

After she found a stunning gold top, leather miniskirt, and wicked gold heels, we headed back to my place and she started on the rest of me.
I wasn’t sure Jesse was going to recognize the version he got tonight—and the more Kerri plucked and curled and brushed, the more I realized maybe that was her whole point.

When I asked her about it, she agreed.
“I want him to be able to separate this Sasha from the one he used to take to breakfast in jogging shorts.”

“What’s wrong with my jogging shorts?” If I had to go through this every time we went out now, I wanted off the ride immediately.

“Nothing. But tonight, I want you guys starting from a fresh space.” She paused, the mascara brush between us. “Don’t you?”

“Carry on.” If I could erase everything that had happened since that first night at the concert, I probably would have. Yeah, we’d had some fantastic moments, but I’d rather scrap them to avoid the messy stuff. Maybe one day my perspective would change, but right now I was just t
oo close to it.

As the minutes ticked down to seven, I was a hot mess.
Kerri had already fixed my hair twice and she’d taken away my lip-gloss.

The doorbell rang and I jumped. Kerri squeaked and grabbed my hand as I launched off the couch. “Sit. Down.”

I tugged her nearly out of the chair. “No,” I growled. “He’s here. Let me get the door.”

She yanked hard enough on my arm that I tumbled to the couch. “Sit. Down.” She leaned in close. “You are the queen. Do not forget that tonight. He’s here, right?”

I nodded, eyes wide and honestly, completely freaked that he was going to leave if we didn’t open the door right then.

“He’s here, Sasha.” She squeezed my hand gently.
“He came for you and everything from here is a piece of cake. You are worth this. Got it?”

I nodded.

“Say it.”

My throat tightened and I forced myself not to glance at the door to make sure his shadow was still darkening the adjacent window.
“I’m worth this.”

“If I act like a simpering idiot, I deserve what I get.”

I made a face. “I get it.”

“Say it.” Her voice was low, but stern.

I repeated the words and they did make me feel better. I totally got what she was trying to do and I did have every intention of doing it, but the fear that this was all going to fall apart was still coiled tightly in my belly.

“Now take a deep breath, and stand up. I’ll get the door.”

She pranced off toward the door, giddy and excited about sending me off. I loved her dearly. God, how I loved her.

My fingers twitched against the leather skirt, but I stayed put until she opened the door.
Jesse stepped in with a small bouquet of lilies and was dressed top to bottom in a stunning dark gray suit and fancy shoes. Holy shit, he even had a tie on. Wowzers. I was so glad Kerri had prepped me.

He’d been looking at Kerri and thanking her for opening the door, but once he stepped inside and saw me, his footsteps faltered. I sucked up his reaction and settled it right over the top of my fear. No matter what else had transpired between us, there was a bond that could never be severed, not with my stupidity or his traveling. We were so much stronger than that.

Tonight would be exactly what Kerri had promised.

A brand new start.

***

There was a time when I thought nothing compare
d to the rush of singing live in front of an audience. I thought it may have been as recently as last week but I was oblivious to everything that happened in the moments prior to this one right now.

Sasha
was a walking orgasm and the culmination of every dream I thought to have and the million I was too stupid to think up. She vibrated with a sensuality that I only wished I could express through music. Her long legs were encased in the sexiest leather skirt I’d ever seen and I wanted her naked and under me right that very instant.

The gold of her top shimmered
like it was still hardening and I wanted to bury my face between the swell of her breasts and let her take me home and never come up for breath again. I was lost in her face and the pout of her lips and the fear in her eyes.

It was
the fear that yanked me out of my sex-charged hard on. I think I mumbled something nice to Kerri, but I could barely remember she was in the room. My feet moved toward Sasha and I held out the flowers for her. She smiled and the fear lessened a bit.
Was she scared of me? Of us?
Shit. I couldn’t fuck this up again. It took me forever to get out from under all the runaround bullshit Ainsley needed for the tour and all I wanted to do was come over here and curl up in her bed and wrap my arms around her and never let her go.

It was
still all I wanted to do.

She
took the flowers and Kerri closed the door and made herself scarce in the kitchen.

“You look incredible.”

She lifted the flowers to her nose and inhaled. Her eyes pierced me. “So do you.”

I ha
d no idea what to say to her and all I wanted to do was get us back on solid ground. My heart was a pulverized mess and part of me was so scared to attempt this again, but the other part knew I couldn’t live without her.

Now that I
didn’t have the flowers to hold on to, my hands were trembling and I was a fucking mess. My pits were starting to sweat and we needed to get out of there before I dragged her back to her bedroom and peeled that outfit off of her so I could devour her, heartbreak be damned.

I
slipped my sweaty gross palm into my pocket and crooked an elbow for her as I turned. “Ready?”

She
glanced at my elbow and tipped up her chin like a fucking queen. She was my queen. My goddess. My everything.

“Let me put these in some water.”

I settled my elbow back against my side and felt like a complete schmucky imbecile. I should have known that she’d need a vase. Luckily, Kerri had one ready and Sasha settled the stems behind the glass. Kerri whispered something and Sasha grabbed her fingers. They held on to each other for a moment and I wondered for just an instant if Sasha was nervous too.

God, that would be nice. Then at least I’d know
I wasn’t the only one and we could find a way through this together. Through this swamp of uncertainty to a foundation that we needed. A foundation that I knew was possible.

Her ribs expand
ed and I wanted to slide my fingers into the hollow between each one. I knew my fingers fit perfectly because that’s where I put them when we slept. She turned to me and I jerked my eyes off her body and met her gaze. No fear anymore. Good.

She
extended her hand to me and I offered my elbow again. As her arm slid into the crook, I couldn’t help the sigh as it escaped. Funny thing was, she let one go too.

I peek
ed at her from beneath my lashes and I saw a hint of the peace that used to exist for her—that would exist for her again.

Kerri wave
d us out and I walked Sasha around the car. She noticed and I couldn’t help but puff up.

“A car? When did you get a car?”

“This morning. Ainsley got us an advance. It was probably stupid since we’re going on the road, but—” I didn’t want to tell her why. I was an idiot for even bringing it up. I should have told her it was Scout’s.

Her fingers widen
ed out across my forearm. I knew she was waiting for me to finish my sentence but I didn’t have the balls.

“
It’s really nice.”

I open
ed the door for her and she melted into the seat like poured gold. Jesus, she was hot. I started to close the door, but then I hesitated. If we were going to make this work, I had to tell her everything . . . even when it made me look like a dumbass. Especially those times. “I wanted to pick you up in a car tonight.”