Balance (The Neumarian Chronicles) (13 page)

Closing my eyes, I asked the universe to give me strength and courage. “Raeth, the war is
making demands I never expected. My job’s to keep us alive until the Triune can win the war. That means making decisions that could cost me everything I value and those I love.” I hadn’t lied, not really. Because, yes I could make the tough choices, the problem was after, I’d die crippled by them.

Ryder
spun me so that I faced him. Eyes shot wide, his fingers dug into my shoulders. He stared at me as if seeing into my soul. Whatever he saw gutted him, and he released me with a shove.

I wanted to throw myself into his arms and beg all their forgiveness, but I didn’t
. The damage was done, and now I had to live with the fallout. Because this wasn’t just about what had happened a year ago, but future decisions and choices, too. Especially the big one, Mandesa’s newest ploy. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that should we give her Raeth and Ryder, she’d still send those nukes our way.

Penton scooted Raeth from the room. “We’ll
talk above ground in the fresh air.”

“
Penton, you can’t leave. Not now. We’ve run out of time. Your weapon is the only thing we have that will save Raeth and Ryder. By now, everyone’s heard that Queen Valderak contacted us and requested peace talks. We knew she wasn’t serious. Her next communiqué proved it. She’s refused to speak with anyone other than Raeth and Ryder. She knew we wouldn’t agree. So, she baited the trap perfectly, thinking she’d force our hand. If we don’t turn you two over to her, she’ll use her last two nukes from the Great War. One’s targeting us and the other the UE.”

Penton’s face turned purple.
“No. Raeth isn’t going anywhere, especially Acadia. You tell General Bellator and the council I’ll destroy the Arc and the UE along with every weapon I’ve created before taking Raeth and Ryder and running.”

Chapter Seventeen

I thought I’d processed the trauma of my life with
Mandesa and, since my escape, could handle anything life threw at me. Over the months, I’d clung to the conviction it didn’t matter if Ryder never regained the use of his gift or the Triune never fulfilled its prophecy. We’d have use of Penton’s genius and weapons. A few minutes ago, I’d learned differently with Penton’s threatened destruction of our weapons should we surrender to Mandesa’s demand.

Now, as Ryder dragged me back through the tunnel and up the stairs, shockwaves of panic tore through me. I hadn’t faced or dealt with the nightmare experiences of my life. I’d buried them, and apparently not very deep. Not if they had thrust to the foreground at the mere mention of
Mandesa’s blackmail, along with every fear and feeling of inadequacy she’d beat and tortured into me.

It was a miracle I’d been sane at the time of my escape, let alone able to feel anything. Even now, it surprised me I hadn’t retreated into being a clone of
Mandesa, especially when Ryder had distanced himself from me. What had kept me in the present was the love of my father and my friends. But if I didn’t conquer my terror that I was just like Mandesa—that I made decisions based upon expediency and what best served me—I’d lose everyone I loved. And should that happen, I knew her actions would pale in comparison to mine.

Penton’s and my vengeance would send terror through the planet’s populace. All compassion gone, my name and legacy would be whispered in horror as our fury laid waste to the land and seas.

A sharp tug on my wrist jerked me back to the present. Ryder, not saying a word since I’d mentioned Mandesa and her nukes, continued to stalk up several flights of stairs to the main level. But then, he hadn’t spoken to me much over the past eighteen months unless required.

Then, without warning,
he pulled me in the direction of his room. “We need to talk.”

Oh, so now he wanted to talk, did he? Well, at the moment that wasn’t on my agenda. Kicking his ass was.

Furious, I tried to yank my wrist free and failed. Scowling, I glared up at him. “You’re angry, I get it. Well, so am I. And if you’d actually talked to me over the past year, let me feel as if you still loved me, I would’ve confided in you about the prophecy. Heck, if you’d even done your duty, you would’ve been at the briefing and learned about Mandesa’s demand and her nukes when I did. So, get over yourself,” I hissed in barely contained fury as my gaze checked to see if anyone was near enough to overhear us.

“
Oh, no. You’re not putting all of this off on me.”

I glanced around and winced at the crowd we were drawing. So much for circumspection. “Do you really want to do this here, in public?”

“No.” His iron grasp tightened, and for a moment, I thought my wrist would break as he towed me to his quarters. He paused at the door, closed his eyes, and took two deep breaths. Opening the door, he shoved me into the room, shut it then locked us inside. Pointing to the bed, he said, “Sit! It’s time you and I had a talk. A long one.”

I so didn’t want to do this now. Crossing my arms over my chest, I glared at him.
“You want to clear the air now? Sorry, Father needs us in the command center to formulate a—”

“I’ll take care of that.” He looked to the floor
for a moment then back at me.

Before I could respond, my father’s voice filled my mind.
For the moment, neither of you are needed in the command center. It’s past time you two talked. Fallon and I are fed up with the cold silence between you two. Solve it and move forward. We need the Triune and Penton working as a team, not your anger and guilt poisoning any chance we have of keeping Raeth and you alive, and stopping Mandesa’s nukes.

Coward
, I snarled as his familiar presence slipped from my mind.

Ryder snickered. “General Bellator is many things,
a coward isn’t one of them. You’re out numbered, so sit.”

I sunk
onto the bed and stared at the opposite wall.

“How long are you going to punish yourself?
Yes, people died, but your actions saved the Arc and almost everyone in it. You made a snap decision. There were consequences. People died but others lived.”

“Me? How about you? If you say anything other than good morning or good night to me, a firework display is warranted.
You think I don’t understand that Laos is a kid who witnessed a horrific tragedy? Heck, I just met and consoled Annabelle in the orphanage. Do you know her?” He shook his head. “She’s a little girl, about five. Her mother was the nurse who died taking the shrapnel that would’ve killed Briggs, so don’t tell me I don’t understand.”

“If you don’t feel guilty over the infirmary, why have you shut me out?”

“Shut you out? It’s you who’s locked me out. You don’t take part in private meetings with Father and I, or in Arc briefings. You don’t talk to me about anything except Briggs and Laos. Your guilt over Briggs’s injures is eating you alive. You spend every minute with them.”

When he opened his mouth to speak, I held up my hand, palm out. How dare he try to shut me down when I’d just gotten a good head of steam. “And before you think I resent you spending time in the orphanage or with any of the children, you’d be wrong. In fact, I think we need to set up a rule that every adult spends a minimum of three hours a week with these children. The problem is us.”

Ryder smiled. “I think that’s a great idea.”

“If everyone did their jobs and we worked together things would get done,” I huffed.

Ryder ran his fingers through his hair. “We’re not talking about the orphans anymore, are we?”

“Maybe if people stopped spending all their time flirting—"

“You’re eighteen tomorrow. Grow up.”

I
bolted off the bed and advanced on him. For every back step he took, I took one forward until he was pressed against the wall. “Grow up? What the hell do you think I’ve been doing since escaping Mandesa? Over the past year, I helped design and supervise the reconstruction of the Arc. Where were you? When suicide mission assignments came up, I had to decide who lived and who died. Just look at how I sent Penton back into the weaponry. Yes, he said he could smother the flames, but I didn’t believe he’d succeed. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I sent him knowing Raeth would hate me until the day I died, but it was the only chance we had. If I hadn’t, everyone in the Arc would’ve died. Those types of decisions are what lie on my soul. And where have you been? Certainly not with me. Not supporting me.”

H
is hand clasped my shoulder, holding me fast. “I’ve known about the prophecy for years. And you’re right, it isn’t about Penton. It wasn’t about anyone at the Arc at that time.”

“Thanks for sharing.”
I jerked free and rushed for the door. As my finger brushed the handle, Ryder’s hand whipped by my head and flattened on the door with a
thwack
.

Balling my fists,
I spun and pounded them against his chest. “Why did you leave me? You rejected me. Without you, I’ve struggled every damn day, fearing I’m becoming what I hate most, Mandesa.”

H
is chest pressed against mine, pushing me back against the door as his hands cupped my face. “I don’t know everything that happened that day in the weaponry. But I suspect there’s more than you’re telling me.” When I tried to look down, he tipped my chin up and forced me to meet his gaze.

“I wouldn’t have sent you
into that inferno,” I said, “and even though I didn’t believe Penton was the one the seer had prophesized, I still sent him to a sure death. He’s not just our friend, but the love of Raeth’s life. What kind of person does that make me?”

“A commander. You immediately recognized that Penton was the
only
person in the Arc who had a shot at extinguishing the firestorm. In seconds, you weighed the costs and chose to save all the lives in the Arc against that of one person—Penton.”

“Wrong. Raeth would’ve died, too.”

“No, she wouldn’t. Her love for us is too great. In time, she would’ve recovered. Once she remembered it was Penton’s suggestion, she’d take comfort in the fact he’d died a hero because his actions had saved over three thousand lives.”

Kneeling
in front of me, he wrapped one arm around my waist and the other around my thighs. “I’m not sure how we got to this point. I pulled back because I felt you closing off.” At my gasp of denial, he pressed his lips to my stomach. “You know it’s true. Just as you wouldn’t allow me to die, I’m not letting you continue to pull away.”

“I haven’t been.”

“Yes, love, you have…and so have I. Ever since I lost my gift, I thought I couldn’t protect you. That I didn’t deserve to be with you if I wasn’t part of the Triune, but your father and Briggs made me see we were still stronger together.”

His arms clasped around me, h
e stood and clutched me to his chest so tightly I had trouble breathing. Then he whispered against my ear, “My heart aches to reconnect with you. My hands yearn to touch you, and for your mind and body to respond with passion and an open heart. I’m sorry you felt rejected. I thought I wasn’t worthy of your love.”

Tears rained down my cheeks.
I pulled back and scooted to the side, needing to escape him. His touch weakened me. His pleading gaze begged me to trust him, and his words made me doubt myself.

Before I could turn away, he caught my hand, holding me fast.
“Look at me.” His voice deepened as he said, “Where’s your courage, Semara?”

I tilted my head to meet his
frustrated, yet sorrowful gaze. “I’m not scared of anything.”

“
Prove it. Love me. Marry me. Be by my side even after we’ve returned to stardust. Don’t waste the time we have. Open your heart and let me in.”

I stared at him for a moment before finding my voice.
“If my heart’s closed, it’s because you abandoned me. And for my sanity’s sake, I left you alone as you wished.” I almost collapsed from the pain the last eighteen months of isolation had caused. Only pride kept my back rigid and voice firm. “Why, after all this time, have you suddenly decided you want me?”

“I didn’t abandon you,” Ryder said, his voice pleading. “I love you. I’ve never stopped, but you pulled back from me. I thought it was because of the loss of my gift, but your father guarantees that wasn’t the case. So, tell me why?”

I ignored his question and shot back one of my own. “Why did you stop telling me you loved me? Why did you only talk about Briggs and Laos?”

“Briggs was still recovering, and she understood what it felt like to be half of who you once were. Laos is a small boy, and he was traumatized.”

“Answer me!” I yelled. “Why did you leave me.”

Ryder sighed. “I wasn’t fit to be around. Now answer me, why’d you turn away from me when I needed you, Semara?

“I needed you, too, but you were too busy drowning in false guilt.” I had to swallow back the threatening tears before I could continue. “You left me for Briggs because she’s human, not Neumarian like me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“From the moment you awoke and realized you didn’t have your gifts, you left me. Oh sure, you were here physically, but not here,” I said, touching my head then my heart, “or here. Why didn’t you trust me, love me enough to stay? You thought I’d turn my back on you? That I only loved you because you took my pain away? Well, I never felt pain like when you walked away from me!”

His face paled. Mouth open, his gaze looked anywhere but at me. Furious, I jabbed his chest with my finger. Seeing his eyes fill with unshed tears, I almost weakened, but I’d come this far. I might as well get to the truth that he didn’t want me so I could move forward. “Answer me, damn you. You say you spoke with Father, Briggs, and everyone else, but me. Why?”

“It started when Briggs was in the hospital because of me and I couldn’t heal her. Guilt consumed me. Losing me destroyed the Triune. The prophecy says we, the Triune, will win the war, that we’re the world’s savior, but there’s no me anymore. Without my gifts, I’m half a man. Useless. Empty. I don’t know what to do.”