Banished Love (22 page)

“Rissa, are you all right?” Savannah asked in a tremulous voice, taking my hand in hers as she sat next to me on the settee. She appeared near tears, gripping my hand almost painfully in her agitation.

I continued to lean back against the settee without the strength or inclination to sit up properly. I had been deep in thought, thinking of the night before and the conversation with Cameron. I continued to turn it over again in my head, unable to stop puzzling it. I turned to face her and silently shook my head, unsure of what to say.

“Rissa, I assure you, I had no idea Jonas was going to arrange a meeting. I did not even know he
knew
Cameron. Should I discuss this with father?”

“No, I spoke with my Da last night. He’s quite upset with Jonas.”

“Rissa, I didn’t know it was going to happen.” Savannah blinked rapidly as she fought tears.

“Sav, I saw your face. I know you were as shocked as I was,” I admitted, squeezing her hand. “I don’t understand why Jonas acted as he did toward me. It seems disrespectful. Ungentlemanly.” I looked at a spot on the wall, reenvisioning the scene from last night. I murmured, “I always knew he disliked me. I just hadn’t realized how much.”

Savannah raised her eyebrows, trying to find words to contradict my last statement, but I forestalled her, saying, “No, Sav, don’t disagree. This is proof of his dislike toward me. Everyone is trying to prevent me from speaking to Cameron, yet he arranges it.” I sighed, leaning my head fully against the settee.

“Rissa, what can I do to make it up to you?”

“It’s not for you to make up to me. You didn’t do anything to me,” I replied, smiling at her.

“What did he say to you? You seemed upset when he spoke with you.” She released my hand, turning toward the tea table to prepare herself a cup of tea. At her grimace upon her first sip, I realized the tea had turned cold and was now too strong for her.

I focused on her question, my thoughts returning to Cameron and last night. “He told me why he didn’t show up.”

“Really? What was his reason?” Savannah leaned in, holding her breath.

I turned dull, pained eyes toward her. “He told me that he felt trapped into a life he didn’t want, and it was the only way he could see out.” A tear leaked down my face, and I wiped it away. I felt impatient with myself for crying over him; I had cried enough for Cameron and needed to move on.

“Oh, Clarissa, how wretched!” Savannah covered her mouth with her left hand. “I can’t believe he is trying to blame you for his own weakness.”

“Yes, that is what he is trying to do. Blame me for his weakness. However, I won’t let him. I told him that he should have only felt pride to be marrying me. That I thought he was a weak man.” Speaking with Savannah aided in lifting my spirits, eased my insecurities.

Savannah gasped when I mentioned the weak man comment and then grinned. “Oh, that must have hurt his pride. I know I should not take joy in that, Rissa, but he seems like Jonas in many ways, and that type of comment would cause Jonas no end of distress.”

We shared twin evil smiles for a moment before I finally broke the silence.

“I said that mainly to hurt him. A part of me wanted him to hurt as he had hurt me.” I let out a long sigh. “But it didn’t make me feel any better, Sav. It just made me feel worse.”

Savannah gently tapped my hand and said, “That’s because you are a decent, kind person.” After a few moments she gently cleared her throat and said, “Clarissa, I know this sounds horrible, but isn’t it better to know, before you married him, what type of person he really was? At least you didn’t marry him, only to find out what he truly thought of you and your life together. That would have been horrible.
And
you would have been stuck with him.”

I nodded my agreement. “Yes, Sav, you are right.” I sighed, stretching, sitting up fully. “I am tired of being inside. Let’s go for a walk.”

“Yes, let’s. It’s a beautiful day. Let’s walk toward the Public Gardens. I imagine the flowers will be in bloom by now.”

We gathered light wraps in the front hall, pinning and adjusting our hats in the mirror before descending the front steps. I looped my arm through Savannah’s, and we began our walk. The calm oasis of Union Park disappeared as we entered the larger thoroughfares. We skirted trolley tracks, carriages and delivery carts as we continued toward the Back Bay.

We entered the Public Gardens through the Arlington gate and began to stroll around the manicured grounds. The swan boats moved slowly around the pond. The roses were not yet in bloom, although I smiled at the whimsy of flowers with long stems and large mauve-colored orbs at the top. They seemed the type of flower one could pick and then blow on to spread the flower petals, like a dandelion. I finally began to relax, enjoying the fresh air, seeing the gardens in their springtime glory.

Savannah and I continued to walk, although Savannah seemed more pensive than usual. Suddenly she turned to me, and blurted out, “I envy you, you know, Rissa.”

“Envy me. Why?”

“You are living your own life. You teach, even though no one is particularly happy with it. You are free to marry who you want.”

I looked at her, sensing there was much she wasn’t saying. “Savannah, you of all people know that my life isn’t that easy.” I paused for a moment. “Tell me what you are really trying to say.”

“I feel as though I am keeping up expectations. Meeting everyone else’s desires for me. Mama’s so happy about the wedding, as are the grandparents. I feel…” A long sigh, a quiet shake of her head and a softly rueful laugh followed.

“Sav, are you saying you don’t want to marry Jonas?” I asked, trying to dampen my nascent hope.

“Do you know how I met Jonas?” she asked.

“Wasn’t it at a party?”

“No, I met him at Grandpapa and Grandmama’s house one afternoon when I called for tea. They had transpired for the two of us to come for tea on the same day. This has been their dream. To have one granddaughter marry well.”

I stared at Savannah in surprise, shocked by our grandparents’ plotting. “Savannah, if you don’t want to marry him, then don’t. You should be happy, too.”

“That’s such a simple way of looking at life, Rissa,” Savannah chided gently, making me feel about ten years old.

Before I could take any true offense, she met my worried gaze with devastated eyes, and I began to understand her despair.

“I don’t know as I believe in love, Rissa. At least, not that grand, all-consuming feeling you described with Cameron at the beginning. I feel great affection for Jonas. I believe that will be enough for me,” she finished with a hard, resolute edge to her voice and a quick nod. Her words had become more determined and firm as she spoke. It seemed as though she were trying to convince herself, rather than me, of this truth.

I stopped walking, staring at Savannah with an expression of despair. “For pity’s sake, Sav, don’t marry him if you don’t love him!”

“What did love get you, Rissa?” Savannah asked.

I recoiled as though she had struck me. A lone tear escaped, and I hastily wiped it away. I continued to watch her, attempting to understand why she would strike out at me. “Pain, heartbreak.” My voice cracked slightly. “But at least I wasn’t afraid to live. Taking risks in life is part of living, Sav.” I looked away, taking a steadying breath. “Let’s go back. It’s grown chilly.”

Savannah nodded, and we turned for home. “Rissa, I didn’t mean…”

I waited for her to finish, but she said no more. I realized she had no more to say, and I knew, deep inside, she was not truly upset with me. This really was about her. We walked toward home in tense silence, lost in thought.

CHAPTER 23

MY STUDENTS HAD LEFT, but I sensed I was being watched. I glanced up impatiently from correcting ledgers at my desk to see Cameron standing in the doorway. He looked every inch the successful gentleman in a formal black suit and waistcoat with crisp white shirt and dark tie.

“Cameron, what are you doing here?” I demanded. I rose from my seated position at the desk.

“I knew of no other way to speak with you than to be bold, so I decided to come to your schoolhouse. I never realized you wanted to continue to teach, Clarissa.” He glanced around the schoolroom, taking it in, smirking at the students’ simple drawings. “I would have thought you could have taught at a better school than this.” He sniffed.

“Cameron, I teach here because I choose to teach here, because I
want
to teach these children. They have as much right to an education as any other.”

“Yes, of course,” he murmured. “However, that is not why I am here. There is much still for us to discuss, Clarissa.” He turned to me, looking at me with his pale brown eyes lit with a strange light.

“Is there? What would you like to discuss?”

“Rissa, I fear you did not understand me the other evening.” He stood with his legs slightly apart, with his hands gently holding his hat, fingers repeatedly tracing the edges. “The pain you felt at the altar surely has faded by now, and we can move on from that, can’t we? I realize I do want a life with you. I miss
you
. I miss the fact that you are full of life and vitality and that you show your emotions, even though that is not always proper. I have met other women, and no one compares to you, Rissa. What do you say?” He spoke in a rush, the words pouring out of him as they always had. He finished, smiling, as though I would be pleased to agree with him.

“The hurt has faded by now?” I seethed, as I approached him. “We can move on? As though we disagreed on the color of wallpaper? You failed to show up at our
wedding
. Do you know the kind of ridicule and disgrace I had to endure? I may not be a genteel, upper-class woman, as you pointed out. My family may not be up to your standards, as you so kindly made clear the other evening. However, let me assure you that I felt the full censure of my family, neighbors, friends and society in general. Do you know what that feels like?” I demanded, eyes flashing, breathing heavily.

“Rissa, I’m sorry.”

He looked at me with a half smile, the half smile he had always used to excuse any misunderstanding between us. In the past, I had found it endearing; now it simply enraged me.

“Sorry doesn’t take away the pain, doesn’t begin to ease the heartache. You left me to scorn and pity. You left me alone. How could you?” I stared at him with tears in my eyes, gasping for air, begging him for a valid explanation, and then suddenly realized there would be no valid explanation. None existed.

“Get out, Cameron. I don’t want to hear any more excuses. That’s all they are, and I want nothing more to do with you.” I started to turn away, but he grabbed my arm, spinning me toward him.

“Don’t tell me that we are through, Clarissa,” he demanded in a low, urgent voice, fire in his eyes. “
Don’t
.”

I wrenched my arm but was unable to break free. I tried kicking him in the shin, but it had no effect. “Let me go. Now,” I ordered. We continued to stare at each other, both angry, breathing heavily.

“I believe Miss Clarissa asked you to let her go, sir,” a deep baritone voice interjected, breaking the tension of the room.

I jerked back, nearly falling, as Cameron suddenly freed my arm. I leaned heavily against my desk with my hand, still facing the room. I glanced at Gabriel standing in the doorway, delight and relief flooding me.

“I would thank you to not interfere in other people’s private business,” Cameron replied, half turning toward Gabriel, glaring at him.

Gabriel nodded mockingly with lips quirked. “Generally I do not, sir. But I do have business here.”

“You can’t mean…Rissa!”

“Cameron, leave,” I demanded, leaning more heavily against the desk for support.

He continued to stare at me and then glanced at Gabriel. “We aren’t finished,” Cameron said to me, eyes flashing.

“Cameron, we finished two years ago. Please accept that,” I said in a flat voice. I stared at him, attempting to betray no emotion.

Cameron noted my expression, though his appeared more mulish by the minute, until he finally turned and stormed out of the room.

Gabriel continued to study me, noting how I began to lean more and more heavily against the desk. “I’d sit, Miss Clarissa, before falling down,” he suggested.

I took his advice, turned toward my chair and collapsed. I had no reserves of strength left, feeling exhausted after the confrontation with Cameron. I glanced toward Gabriel. “Why can’t the ghosts of the past stay in the past?” I mused.

Gabriel gave a small smile. “Because then they wouldn’t be ghosts, darling.” He seemed to blush after using the endearment, but he crouched down in front of me taking my hand. He met my eyes, staring at me. “I should lie to you. Tell you that I didn’t hear most of that exchange. But I won’t. I couldn’t help but listen. A fascinating man, your Cameron.” He attempted to tease, but he continued to watch my reaction closely, concern for me evident in his expression.

My face crumbled, and I started to cry. He pulled me gently into his arms, easing me to a standing position, cradling me against his chest. He simply held me, brushing my hair softly with one of his big hands, crooning a song in my ear. I slowly started to calm, hiccupping against his chest.

“If I were a true gentleman,” Gabriel stated self mockingly, “I’d have a clean handkerchief to offer you. I don’t.” He smiled his apology, wiping the remnants of my tears away with his thumbs.

Belatedly I realized I did not want him to see me like this—red-eyed, with a blotchy face and a runny nose. However, he gently held onto me, looking into my eyes, not letting me turn away.

“You’ll be fine, Miss Clarissa,” he murmured. “You’re a strong woman with great spirit.” He watched me another moment before letting me go.

I turned away, searched for a handkerchief and dried my face. I turned back to find Gabriel watching me. “Why do you do that?”

“I am trying to discover the hidden aspects of you,” he replied, a warmth lighting his eyes.

“Mr. McLeod, I am sure that you will be disappointed. I am really rather simple.”