Banished Love (30 page)

“Thank you, Aunt Betsy,” I whispered, gripping her hand as tears fell. I felt a tremendous sense of relief to be able to mourn Cameron’s rejection and move on.

She watched as I tried to compose myself. “I am sorry I have never discussed with you what happened two years ago. I thought it was better not to stir up any more pain. However, Clarissa, I have come to realize I may have been wrong.”

“Aunt Betsy, it’s all right. I will be fine. I have felt much better these past few months.” I scrubbed my face with my hands, smiling as Aunt Betsy handed me a clean handkerchief. I patted my cheeks to attempt to hide any tears I had shed. I glanced out her window, watching the sunlight play on the white lace curtains, its intricate web design projected on the floor and wall.

“No, it is not all right,” Aunt Betsy said. “I realize now that although my parents raised me well, they did not instill in either Matilda or myself the ability to give comfort. Only your mother, Agnes, had that innate ability. It is something I have had to learn and I fear I failed you when your mother died. I thought then that if we did not speak of our grief, it would be more easily surmountable. I repeated my mistake with Cameron. I fear my legacy to you will be instilling in you an ability to appear serene while you are weeping inside.” She reached out to clasp my hand. “Forgive me.”

“Aunt Betsy, I never doubted your love for me.”

“I am thankful for that, dearest. I am only sorry that you have had to bear your sorrows alone. Your mother would have been very disappointed in me.”

Aunt Betsy watched me contemplatively a few moments before changing the topic. “I would like to meet your Mr. McLeod, though I doubt that will happen without a little help from us. I wonder if we could invite him to one of the prewedding soirees? I should think you’d be able to invite friends.” She smiled at me with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

“Aunt Betsy, I do not want to cause any more gossip,” I protested.

Aunt Betsy closed her eyes a few moments, leaning her head fully against her pillows. When she spoke, she opened her eyes to watch me with mild amusement. “Well, your uncle Martin knows him. He built a display for him. Maybe Martin would invite your young Mr. McLeod? An invitation from him would certainly be proper,” Aunt Betsy said.

“Do you think he would?” I asked, my eagerness betraying any attempt at indifference.

Aunt Betsy nodded with satisfaction. “Yes, Clarissa, I’ll mention something to Martin, something innocuous about the new display and try to see if I can arrange an invitation. If not, would you invite him? I should like to meet him, and you should have time with your new beau in a respectable setting.”

I smiled at Aunt Betsy, nodding again my agreement. I gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Send me word if I need to contact Mr. McLeod,” I whispered as I quietly left her room. She nodded, waving me on my way. I felt a lightness of spirit at the thought of seeing Gabriel so soon.

I walked down the hallway to Savannah’s room.

“Sav?” I called out softly as I tapped on her door. “Sav? It’s me, Rissa. Let me in.” I leaned my ear against the door to hear better, but all I heard was silence. I was disappointed as I wanted to say good-bye to Savannah in person, but she seemed determined to be alone. As I turned to leave, her door cracked open, and I saw Savannah’s face, streaked with tears.

“Oh, Sav!” I pushed open the door and enfolded her in a big hug. I quickly shut her door again with my foot, not wanting to be disturbed by Aunt Matilda. Sav continued to cry in my arms. I felt inadequate, as I didn’t know what to say, so I decided it was better to say nothing and just pat her on the back and rock her as she wept. Finally the crying abated and she moved away from me.

“Rissa, I’m sorry,” she whispered, hiccupping. She turned to find a handkerchief and blew her nose. I walked to her small chair and sat, pulling my legs up to my chest, hugging my knees as I had as a little girl, wanting to know what had upset her so much.

“Rissa, I am so incredibly nervous about this wedding. I feel like I am not myself. I feel like I haven’t been
acting
like myself. Like I no longer know what I truly want, and I hate that. What does it mean?” Sav wailed, tears streaming from her eyes. She scrubbed her face again with her handkerchief. She began to pace the room, and I watched her fascinated. She had seemed so composed, so ready for this wedding. “I’ve treated you hor-rib-ly,” she said, her voice cracking on that last word, causing more tears to pour out.

“Sav, don’t worry about me. We’ll always be there for each other,” I reassured her. “What are you nervous about?”

“I’m worried he won’t show up at the church. Then I worry he
will
show up at the church,” she whispered. She hiccupped again. “It’s complete nonsense. What do I
want
? Why am I wavering so much? I should think I would know what I want by now!” she cried, hitting a pillow on her bed. She sat down with a thump, placing her head in her hands, her long strawberry-blond hair cascading around her. Her shoulders continued to shake with silent sobs.

I leaned in toward her, placing my feet on the ground gentling tracing small circles on her back to try to soothe her. “Sav, some things in life aren’t simple, and getting married is the least simple thing of all. You are about to change your life forever, and it is smart that you are really thinking about it and acknowledging how big a change it will be. I think that is why you are feeling this panic,” I explained.

“What would Jonas think?” she wailed, looking up to meet my gaze, twin tears tracking down her cheeks.

“Sav, worry about yourself. Determine what you truly want. Quit worrying about him or anyone else,” I gently advised. “Besides, he seems astute enough. He is a lawyer after all. I imagine he can tell that you are nervous and anxious. No need to expound on it.”

Savannah smiled. “Do you think I am crazy, Rissa?”

“No, Sav, not at all. Completely normal, in fact.” I smiled. “Unfortunately there’s not much I or anyone else can do for you, Sav. This is a decision only you can make. Only you can decide what will make you happy. It doesn’t matter what I think, your parents think, the grandparents think. It really only matters what you think.”

“Did you feel nervous before marrying Cameron?” she demanded, eyes fierce, challenging.

“No. And see where that led me,” I murmured, feeling a deep sadness pervade me.

Savannah watched me, then looked away, lost in thought. I stood, gathering her in a gentle hug. “It will be all right, Sav. Just decide what
you
really want,” I whispered. We shared a long look before I said, “I must go. I will see you tomorrow?” She nodded her assent, and I turned to leave.

CHAPTER 30

I ARRIVED EARLY TO SEE SAVANNAH before the prewedding soiree Uncle Martin and Aunt Matilda had organized. Sav’s door stood ajar, though I knocked lightly not wishing to intrude.

“Come in,” called out Savannah.

“Hi, Sav.” I hoped her recent doubts had vanished for her. Or that she had at least found clarity on the issue.

“Rissa!” Savannah smiled as I entered, turning away from her vanity mirror. “I am so happy you came early.”

I sat in the nearby chair and watched her pin up her hair. I studied the forced, cheerful facade reflected in her vanity mirror before turning to study her room. Typically tidy, it was cluttered with trunks and hatboxes, many of the trunks overflowing with clothes made of silk and lace. “How are you today, Sav?”

“I feel quite well. The headache has passed.” With that comment, she sent me a telling look in the mirror. I nodded, noting the open door, and general ongoing commotion in the hallway.

“I’m happy to hear that. You need to be healthy to fully enjoy your soiree,” I replied, trying to affect a fake French accent for
soiree
and failing miserably.

Savannah laughed. “Yes, Jonas became quite worried a few evenings ago when he was unable to see me, yet he was very understanding. I am so fortunate to have found him.” She sighed, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She met my eyes, daring me to disagree.

I smiled, hoping that her cheerful mood was more than a well-constructed false front. “Yes, Sav, you are indeed very fortunate,” I agreed, attempting to keep any irony or criticism out of my voice. “How long until you are ready to go downstairs to the parlor?”

Sav pushed in one last pin in her upswept hair and turned to me, smiling. “Now.”

Her gown was a frothy pink chiffon evening dress with decorative pink flowers at the left shoulder and circling the hem of the dress. She donned long white gloves that reached her elbows and highlighted her slender wrists and arms. She looked very fashionable and beautiful. Even though I wore one of my best gowns, I felt rather plain next to her in my silk burgundy-red evening dress with sheer red lace composing the sleeves from my shoulders to my elbows. I tugged nervously on my gloves, not liking the longer, more formal gloves required for this evening.

We made our way to the formal parlor, and I realized that the guests had begun to arrive. Some of the furniture had been pushed back toward the ornate pink-and-white wallpapered walls to allow for ease of movement around the room. Maids moved discreetly through the room with trays of drinks. As I glanced at the guests, I realized most of them were family. I smiled warmly at Da’s brother, Uncle Thomas, as he raised his glass to me. “There’s Uncle Thomas,” I whispered to Savannah. “Don’t forget to speak with him. He is still mourning poor Aunt Elvira.”

“It makes you look at trolleys in a different light, doesn’t it?” Savannah murmured as she smiled in his direction. “And, yes, I will bring Jonas to meet him as long as you remember to say hello to my grandparents.”

“Of course, Sav,” I said, searching for Savannah’s grandparents, the Russells. Jonathan and Mary Russell appeared humble and demure, yet they had a core of steel that had allowed them to establish one of the best linen stores in the city.

“Where are Jonas’s people?” I whispered.

“They are waiting for the grandparents’ party on the Hill in a few days,” Savannah said as she approached a group of Uncle Martin’s friends and work associates.

“Estimably sensible on their part, don’t you agree, Cousin Clarissa?” Jonas said as he sidled up to take hold of Savannah’s arm. He wore an impeccably tailored black suit, black waistcoat and white tie, and his blond hair was perfectly styled. “I would hate for them to have to meet people who are so, well…” He broke off his sentence as he looked around the room, expressing his displeasure at the company with a raised eyebrow and mock-chagrin smile.

“I wouldn’t know, Mr. Montgomery, as most people here are either my family or friends,” I replied.

“Count yourself fortunate to be among good society soon,” Jonas said on a murmur as he maneuvered Savannah away.

I glared at his retreating back.

I stood to one side of the parlor, sipping a glass of punch. Savannah stood at Jonas’s side, talking with family members, slowly moving from group to group. I enjoyed watching her take the lead for once, introducing him to the guests he did not yet know. He appeared more aloof and distant than ever before, rarely deigning to speak with anyone, merely nodding and smiling. I watched Patrick and Colin speaking and joking with Lucas, yet I did not want to interrupt. I sighed, settling into my role as a spectator.

“A penny for your thoughts,” a deep baritone voice intoned in my ear.

I started, spilling a few drops of punch on my dress. “A penny? I thought they’d be worth more to you?” I asked, elation filling me at hearing his voice. “When did you arrive?” I reached out impulsively to grip his arm for a moment before flushing and releasing it.

“Just now. Colin invited me.” Gabriel stood tall, towering over me. His ebony hair, free of pomade, was recently trimmed. Gabriel nodded toward Colin. Mischief and laughter glinted in his blue eyes. “I had hoped for an invitation from you.”

My gaze met Colin’s, finding him studying us. Richard had joined his small group and was being reintroduced to Lucas.

I glanced up at Gabriel. “Aunt Betsy was to speak with Uncle Martin about inviting you,” I murmured. “And if that failed, she was to send me a note so I could invite you.”

“And did you hear from her?” he asked, gazing into my eyes.

“No, I thought you were invited. Hoped you were invited,” I whispered.

“Hmm…” he said, lost in thought, turning to study the crowd. “What concerns you, Miss Sullivan?”

My gaze stole toward his for a moment, my heart sinking at him calling me
Miss Sullivan
again. I had become accustomed to Miss Clarissa or Clarissa. “It seems a rather public venue to meet the family for the first time,” I replied, watching the room again.

“Well, I am glad Colin invited me. I’m working for your uncle Martin. I thought I should pay my respects to him as his daughter is marrying. It didn’t feel right turning down an invitation.”

“Oh,” I responded.

“And I wanted to see you again,” he said so softly that I thought I had imagined the words.

As I turned to look at him, I read the truth in his eyes. I blushed, contained my smile and looked away. However, I could not hide the flash of pleasure and glow of contentment from my eyes. I reached my hand out toward his, and the tips of our fingers met for a moment. “Did Richard mind coming along?” I asked.

“No, he didn’t mind. He enjoys seeing Colin.” He nodded toward their small circle, smiling as he watched Richard. “And I think he enjoys annoying that cousin of yours.”

“How long have they known each other?”

“Years now. I’m not really sure. Time seems to run together after a while.”

I glanced at him quickly, noting that he was scanning the room, studying the different groups of people.

“Miss Russell looks well,” he said.

I searched the room for Savannah, and saw her with Jonas and Da. “Yes, she is. She’s speaking with my da and her fiancé, Jonas Montgomery.”

“Your da has been a very astute businessman,” Gabriel commented as he studied them.