Barbie World (Baby Doll Series) (12 page)

Chapter 14.
Barbie

I stare at his hand on my knee as a slow tingling sensation runs up and down my leg. I push his hand away; it is a rash move after he is trying to be my friend. It is a small rejection on my part and I know it hurts him. I offer him no explanation for my action. pretending that we could be friends. It is almost comical that we continue to do this song and dance.”Why do you want to be my friend?” I blurt out. He looks startled at the sudden mood change in me.

“I want to be a part of your life and if that is the only way I can be a part of it, then friends it is.” He says honestly. Friends, something that I never needed or wanted before.

“Can you honestly handle what that entails?” I ask. He doesn’t hesitate before answering “yes” and I know he is lying. “So when you see me with Kai, no freaking out? No pulling me aside, trying to kiss me?” I challenge. Now he hesitates. Silence fills the gap between us and we stare into each other’s eyes, in a standoff. We both know the others truth and it becomes a game of who will break first. The thought of only being friends with Dylan is almost crippling. Can I do it, only be his friend? He says “friend” like it is so easy, that he can just give up what we had. Maybe he can do that, but I don’t think I can do it. It sucks seeing him with Katie. I pretend that I don’t care when I am around him, but I do. He is the one to break the stare, and I feel the abandonment from him. My throat burns and tears threaten to form. What do I want him to do? To just keep on chasing me? I know what that feels like to chase someone who is not willing to give you what you want. A knot forms in my stomach with the thought. I am my mother. Every time he try’s I put up another obstacle for him. Every time he clears one, I have another, harder one waiting. Just like she had for me. Fish.” He says cutting through my internal self destructive babel. He points to the pole and sure enough the line is being drug under the boat. “What do I do?” I gasp in shock. “Reel it in.” I reel in the line and on the end hangs a tiny, flapping fish, gasping for air. I stare at it, not moving. Suddenly, fear grips me, not from the fish that night comes crashing back. I am laying face down in a puddle of my own blood; I am desperate to get away. A sharp pain travels down my side as all the air leaves me, I gasp, trying to suck in the last little bit of life’s air. My vision begins to fade. The last thing I can hear is a sick laugh.

I make no move to get the fish, I am frozen. Dylan senses the change in me, and takes the poor helpless creature off the hook and tosses it back into the lake. “Take me home,” I whisper. “This was a bad idea.” I don’t know what I was thinking when I came out here with him.

Dylan rows us back to shore and we drive home in silence. I look over at Dylan; his face is etched with concern for me. He is beautiful, sweet and good; everything I am not. I watch his hair fall into his hurt filled eyes. This is exhausting, I cannot keep hurting the people I love. I need to just let him go and move on and stop toying with him. Let him be happy. I can’t, though. I am too scared to let him go.

###

Emmy spins Everett in a circle. She is in one of her many tutus; this one has a rainbow skirt with glitter on the hem. “That kid is so cute she makes me want to puke,” Roxie jokes.

“Who says you’re bad with kids?” I tease her.

“I know, right? I can’t believe I didn’t get that job at the city summer camp. I am a natural, watch this.” She walks over to Emmy and Everett and says something to them. Emmy’s face lights up and both Emmy and Everett take off running. “See natural.” She comes back triumphantly.

“What did you say to them?” Third asks.

“I told them to go to the mini mart down the road and get themselves some candy.”

“What? Why?” I jump up, ready to go after them.

“Don’t worry I told them to grab us something, too.” She waves me off.

“Don’t worry, I got them,” Third says and follows Emmy and Everett. I plop back down on the bench and shake my head at Roxie, who takes my distress as something else entirely.

“Spill, and let me clarify, as in, give me the reason why you suddenly have gone all emo on me, and trust me when I say, I know emo. Does this have anything to do with that kid, Kai; you’ve been ditching me for?” Roxie stares me down.

“No. Yes. I don’t know,” I groan. “Kai is great, wonderful, but…”

“But what?”

“But he’s not Dylan.”

I tell Roxie everything, from me sneaking out to making out with Dylan in the club when both Kai and Katie were dangerously close to a the lake a few days ago. When I am finished, I look at her, waiting for her to process this load of information I had just dumped on her.

Finely she speaks, “The only thing I can tell you is that sometimes what our heart wants is not what is best for us. I know you love Dylan, but how can you date him when you are practically his sister now.” She shoves me playfully with her shoulder. “I think that you should give this thing with this Kai kid a chance and forget all about boy wonder.”

I pull my knees up to my chest and ask what my heart has been crying for since I came to the Knights. “How? How do I forget about him?”

She thinks on this for a moment before answering. “You avoid him like Miley Cyrus’s new haircut.”

###

It is Saturday morning again and the house is blissfully empty. I have, once again, managed to avoid Dylan for the whole week. It is easy, when he is home; I make sure I am not. I am always with Kai or Roxie, it begins to feel like I am playing a game and the winner gets to live a lie. I do not have to avoid him today, so our game is put on halt. The Knights went out, and Dylan left early to go to work. I pull my wet hair out of the pink towel that is wrapped tightly around my head and finger the wet clumps of hair.

The slamming of a car door startles me and I walk over
to my window. Dylan is home!
Crap
. I begin to plan my escape, but the sight of him stops them in their tracks. He pulls on a cord attached to an old push mower. He, of course, is wearing no shirt! What the hell is his issue with shirts? The sun is high and bright, it dances off his body, washing his white skin in gold, a golden bath of deliciousness.
No, stop that! It is not delicious, it is gross and flabby
. Ah, hell, that is not working! It is yummy, like warm chocolate chip cookies yummy! He begins to push the mower across the lawn and my eyes greedily take in the sight. They watch, mesmerized, following a bead of sweat that travels down the center of his taught abs. His lean, chiseled muscles flex in his biceps in his arms as he pushes the mower back and forth. His back and chest are glistening with a sheen of sweat. I feel a sudden rise in the heat index. Or is that me? It feels awfully hot in this room as heat rises up my body.

I know I should look away, but I can’t pull myself from the view. He turns in the careful pattern he is painting in the grass. I bite at my lip, he looks up and our eyes lock. I am swimming in a sea of brown. Sinking. Floating. I am pulled under by their enchantment, yet, they keep me afloat.

A car door slams and he looks away from me and I am flailing about, trying not to drown. To stay alive.

Katie walks up to him. He glances once more at me before quickly looking away to Katie and I drown.

###

It is dusk before the house comes to life with the sounds of the Knight family. Dylan is telling his father a story and Katie is cackling. Emmy is laughing and Mrs. Knight coos to Everett. I don’t go downstairs, feeling like a stranger more and more with each noise. Each utterance is merely driving home the realization of how much I don’t belong. I take out the new cell phone Mrs. Knight bought me from the top drawer and send a text before I climb out the bedroom window.

The club is dark and filled with more smoke than usual. Rock music pumps through the speakers. A few older people dance on the dance floor. It is a different crowd than when Kai and his band play. I think we might be the youngest ones in here tonight. Kai leads me to the bar, a protective hand on my back.

“Kai,” the girl behind the counter squeals, leaning over to hug him.

“Hey, Stace, can we get two beers?” he says to her.

She looks at me, her face changing from happy Stace to annoyed Stace. “Is she even old enough to drink?” she asks in a snarky tone.

“Does it matter?” he challenges her. She sighs and huffs off to go and get our drinks and probably spit in mine.

“I think she likes you,” I tease, bumping him with my hip.

“She does, but she is not my type.” He looks at me with a hunger in his eyes. I smile back.

I know he wants more from me. I can give him more. Can’t I? My confusion over Dylan resurfaces. I even let the thin thread dangle with the thought of us back together and what it would be like. Would it be easy to be with him? No. I cannot let thoughts like that cloud my judgment.

Stacey returns with the beers and Kai tosses a few bills onto the counter before leading me to a black, leather love seat. He sticks his long legs out in front of us and drapes his arm over the back of the seat. It is strange how around Kai, I feel dwarfed by him. Kai is easily a good head taller than Dylan. However, Dylan is broader than Kai’s slender frame. My face goes warm with the memory of Dylan’s shirt clinging to his muscular chest. I shake my head. Why am I comparing Dylan to Kai? Why am I even thinking of Dylan? I need to stop it. Dylan was my past, we are just friends.

“What are you thinking about? You look like you are deep in thought.” Kai leans forward and whispers into my ear. He plays with a piece of my hair, curling it around his long fingers and then tilts his body towards mine.

I take a sip of the beer, the bitter liquid slipping down my throat. I stall, getting just enough time to come up with an answer. “I am happy that I’m here with you, instead of watching you on stage. It’s a nice change,” I say, taking another sip of my beer. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say because his eyes flicker with a hunger.

“I like being here with you, too.” He tucks a stray hair behind my ear, letting his hand linger on my cheek. I know what is about to happen, I can either let it happen and stop toying with reckless thoughts of Dylan or continue to torture myself. I close my eyes as he leans in. His mouth finds mine and I let him kiss me. A humming sensation starts where his mouth touches mine. He coaches my mouth open and I let him slip his tongue into mine, searching me out. His hands brush against the bare skin of my shoulder while the humming continues, but there is no
shock, no electricity. No numbing. I pull away and wipe at my lips with the back of my hand and then I try to give him a smile to let him know that it was okay that he kissed me.

###

I climb up the trellis and onto the garage’s roof. I turn to watch Kai’s taillights disappear all the way down the road before I turn to go inside. I am halfway in the window when I notice him sitting on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. He looks small and defeated. I want to turn around and not deal with this. My chest aches at the sight of him. I wish he didn’t care about me like all the other guys I have hooked up with. If he would just let go, maybe then so can I.

When he hears me, his head snaps in my direction. My heart stops. Deep brown pools of sadness take me in. He sighs through his nose, and runs his hands through his hair.

“Where have you been?” he questions me. It is just a question, but it has so many more meanings behind it and it hits that sensitive nerve. It confirms that he cares. I have to change his mind, make him hate me. If he is not willing to move on, I will force him to.

“Not that it is any of your business, but I was out with Kai, doing bad things,” I add. I dig the knife a little deeper, he flinches and stands up. I flinch, too. I hate that I feel that I need to push him away when all I want him to do is come near me and pull me to him. I want to feel that charge that comes to life when we touch. God, I am just like my mom, a freaking addict. I hate myself again for wanting him as bad as I do.

He walks over to the window, putting both hands on the frame as he stares out at the yard below. He wears dark, ripped jeans and a black, faded Star Wars shirt. I love that shirt on him. His hair falls in messy dark waves around his face.

“Dammit, Barbie,” he finally says, lacing his hands behind his head and pivoting towards me. “I can’t stand the thought of you with him.”

I walk over to him and shut the window. God, he smells good. I take a deep breath and just the smell of him sends goose bumps dancing across my skin. I walk away before I do what my body is begging me to do. Going over to the dresser, I pull out a gray tank top. I kick my shoes off and begin to shimmy out of my tights; I know exactly what I am doing. I continue to perform my dangerous dance? I hear the sharp intake of breath from Dylan who still watches me by the window. I take my dress off and kick it to the corner of the room before I pull the tank top over my head and stand there, facing him in only panties and the tank top, but I might as well be naked. I can feel his eyes on me. I shiver as his eyes travel along my body.

He takes a step towards me, but I stop him with my words. “Don’t you remember, that is what girls like me do Dylan, or do you not remember how I was when we were dating?” I cross the room so I am standing toe to toe with him. I poke him in his hard chest, a new wave of anger flowing through me. I let all the anger and confusion I feel flow through me, it drives me forward, making it easier to push him away. If I can hate him, it will not hurt as bad.