Battle Lines. (16 page)

He had her there and Amanda knew it. Why had she not thought of that? Because, she had been enjoying his kisses. His touch. His lovemaking. She felt her cheeks flush hot.

“Of course… my husband.” She agreed.

“Where is he?” Jake asked her.

“Out.” She did not elaborate. Adding more lies would only lead to a lot more trouble. Certainly more than she could handle. Jake shouldn’t be so nosey anyway. It was none of his business.

“Why don’t you wear any rings?” he asked her.

“What?” a confused frown creased her forehead.

“Rings. You know… rings.” She watched Jake’s eyebrows lift as he regarded her.

“Erm…” she said.

“Your engagement ring and your wedding ring. Don’t women want those things when they get married?”

“I…” she instinctively looked down at her ring less fingers. Why couldn’t she think of the little details like Jake? Because she was not accustomed to deceiving people, like Jake was, she decided.

“Well?” he continued relentlessly. He was not going to leave it alone until she gave him an answer.

“I… I took them off.” She told him.

“Why?”

“When I was… cleaning. I just haven’t had the time to put them back on yet.” She decided right there and then that that had to be the feeblest of all excuses that she had ever come up with.

“Why don’t you do it now, while you remember?” He told her.

“What?”

“Your rings. You could pop them on now seeing as I have reminded you of it. I would love to see them.” Jake flashed her a wide wolf like grin.

Alarm bells clanged in her head and her heart beat so painfully in her chest that she thought that Jake must be able to see it. Like in the cartoons.

Her mind scrambled for something to say.  She had no rings upstairs that she could put on to bluff her way out of it. In fact, she had very little jewellery. It had not been on her list of priorities over the last few years.

Keeping a roof over her head and food in her stomach had been the biggest focus she had had.

“Ah… actually… they are at the office.”

“Your office?”

“Yes. It was my office I was cleaning.”

“How very convenient for you.” Jake told her sarcastically. Her head snapped up and she squared her shoulders.

“What do you mean by that?” She demanded hotly. Instantly bristling.

“Oh, you are not that dense.” He drawled. No she wasn’t. She should come clean now. Sure Jake would be angry.  But she knew that he would be relieved.

He would have some words to say to her, some would not be very nice, but she would survive that. She was in no danger from him. He would never hurt her, she knew that.

She already had the feeling that he suspected that she wasn’t telling the truth. He kept hinting at it, trying to give her the opportunity to come clean, she knew that too. What was the point of keeping up a pretence that was fooling no one?

“Jake, there is something I have been meaning to tell you.” She looked down at her hands and nervously played with her slender fingers.

“I’m listening.” He said quietly.

“Well… things did get a little… out of hand.” She began but then stopped as she tried to calm her racing heart.

“Go on.” He urged her. Amanda’s heart sank. He was not going to make this easy for her, was he? “Not a chance.” Jake assured her, answering her unspoken thoughts.

“Well the thing is… I… Alan… that is. Alan is.” Just say it, she told herself, just say what needs to be said and then it will be over. Done with.

“Alan is… what?” Jake prompted her.

“Well if you would let me speak. I mean really Jake. It is very hard to concentrate when I’ve got you looming over me like some overbearing big brother. And for your information I don’t like that.”

“Mandy.” Jake rose his voice to get over hers and she stopped immediately. “I am not going to let you change the subject. You do that a lot when you get uncomfortable. Haven’t you worked out yet, that that’s why we end up having so many arguments?”

“We end up arguing because we hate each other Jake.”

“We argue because you seem to be able to handle that better than all the other stuff. You use it to protect yourself. So that you don’t give yourself away. Too late, you have already given yourself away. I knew why you did it when you were fifteen and sixteen. Mum knew it. Dad knew it.”

“No.” she shook her head at him.

“And you know it. You pretend that you don’t know it. But you know it.” Jake told her confidently.

“No.” She denied instantly.

“Yes. Getting angry with me was the only way to channel all that sexual frustration you feel building up whenever you are around me.”

“That’s not true.” She sighed and took a breath. This was fast going to become a shouting match between them and Amanda was suddenly very tired.

She no longer wished to continue this. The argument or having Jake here. She wanted him to go. “Alan is a fantastic husband and I love him.” She jutted out her chin in defiance.

The atmosphere in the room changed instantly. It grew colder, quieter, as they stared at one another. Jake’s face clouded over and she tell that he was angry now.

“Alan is an idiot.” He told her. “A good for nothing sorry excuse for a man. A pathetic waste of space.” How dare he insult Alan like that? Amanda felt her blood begin to boil.

“Alan is a good man… underneath it all.” She defended.

“A good man.” Jake snorted in disgust and Amanda folded her arms across her chest.

“Alan is my husband.” She informed him tartly. “And he is a good man.”

“The man is nothing more than a vulture and I refuse to believe that you were short sighted enough not to have seen it.”

“I love A –”

“No.” he barked at her making her jump. “You do not.” he lowered his voice again. “You would not have fallen so readily into my arms on more than one occasion, may I remind you, if you were.” She knew that he was right. But pride was not going to let her back down now.

“I did not fall into your arms, you forced yourself on me.” She tilted her chin in angry defiance. The room grew thick in heavy silence.

Amanda’s words sunk into her brain. And her eyes widened as she realised that she had just accused Jake of… rape.

His face looked thunderous. She wished she could have recalled those words. She had not meant them. It had been a heat of the moment thing. She hadn’t been thinking about the words that were coming out of her mouth.

But it was too late. The words were out. The accusation said.

Chapter 17.

“Why you little…” his teeth clenched together and Amanda could tell that he was finding it hard to control his temper. She could see it burning in the depths of his eyes. “Tell me, what would Alan think about this? I wonder. What would he do if he found out his wife was cheating on him. That she was… prostituting herself with her own brother.”

The room swayed sickeningly around her. His words stinging. As much as if he had slapped her. Cheating on her husband with her own brother. Now there was fodder for a conflict resolution programme.

“So that’s how it is going to be is it?” she asked him, her face becoming white as the colour drained from her skin.

“You started this.”

“You are going to blackmail me into sleeping with you again? Is that it Jake? I will tell Alan if you don’t do as you are told. You are a bad loser.” She threw at him and watched him frown.

“That’s a bit of a jump, don’t you think?”

“Then what are you trying to say? Stop playing these stupid horrid games of yours.” Amanda screamed the words at him.

“I wasn’t trying to say anything. I was just stating the facts. However,” He paused for effect and it worked. Her nerves were so tight that they were in danger of snapping. “If what you need is some excuse so that you don’t feel guilty about making love with me then I could tell your husband unless you do as you are told.” She knew it, the swine. She had been right all along. He was an arrogant bully.

“You wouldn’t dare.” She challenged him, but she heard the uncertainty in her own voice.

“Try me.” The air crackled with electricity and the silence was deafening. What was she going to do now?

“Jake I need to get one thing straight. I did not make love with you.”

“What would you call it?”

“We had sex. Nothing more, plain and simple.”

“Sex.” He echoed. “Oh it was much more than that and you know it. You wanted me. You hungered for me. You begged me.”

“Stop it, stop it, stop it.” She shouted out in desperation. She had had enough of this conversation. She had had enough of listening to Jake and his vile words. “I want you to go. Get out and don’t come back. If I never see you again it would be too soon.” She could feel the tears streaming down her face but she did not care. Let him see how much he was hurting her.

“Amanda… darling, not only did you make love with me, you also enjoyed it. You enjoyed it a hell of a lot and you know that it would not take much to persuade you to enjoy it again right now. Right here.”

“No.” she shouted.

“Yes Mandy. I do not need to… force you… in the slightest and we both know that.” He reached toward her. His fingers running from her elbow up to her shoulder and then across the collarbone. She shivered. “Do you see?” he said softly.

“Get out.” She told him tight lipped. Jake stepped closer to her. His face coming close to her face.

He made no attempt to touch her or wrap her in his arms. He just stared at her. His eyes moving from her eyes to her lips.

Amanda’s tongue licked her dry lips as she watched Jake’s eyes darken as he watched the movement. She felt herself sway forward, what was she doing?

Jake’s lips touched hers. Just touched, he did nothing to attempt kissing her. But it did not matter, Amanda’s lips moved and to her horror she realised that she was kissing him. He moved his face away from hers.

She flushed as he gave her a triumphant smile.

“See.” He said.

Her hand came up then, and she felt the sting on her palm as she managed to slap his face. She took a step back from him.

“Get out.” She whispered hoarsely. She was not going to play these games anymore. She was not going to let Jake treat her like this. She had more pride than that. Perhaps too much pride.

“I’ll go for now, but I promise you I will be back. Next time it won’t be so easy to get rid of me.” He promised her. “Next time you are going to have to face up to a few home truths. You will have to stop lying to yourself.”

She heard him take a deep breath. “It’s time Mandy. You are not a child anymore. You are a woman. I know the feelings we have for each other are strong and I understand that as a teenager, just discovering your own body, hormones all over the place that you found it all way to scary, too frightening. But you cannot hide behind that little girl anymore. I won’t let you.”

And then he left, slamming the front door as he went rocking it on its hinges. As soon as she was alone she slumped to the floor and sobbed inconsolably.

Amanda had not slept all night. Not even for a second. Instead she had tossed and turned until the small hours interspersed with periods of getting out of bed and pacing around her bedroom or crying her eyes out.

At four in the morning she had taken a shower and had discovered that she was definitely not pregnant which only brought fresh tears.

Thoughts had whirled around through her head until they were all a jumbled mess. Memories from the past surfaced. Memories of her and Jake.

Good times, silly times. Games of tag. Arguments. Jake goading her. Beating her at the pool table, her running off, screaming and shouting but then coming back determined to beat him. Jake cuddling her when she had been upset.

The time he had had to hold her down when the doctor had to reset a break in her arm. When he had carried her from the car when she had been drowsy from the sedatives they had given her.

Tucking her up in bed. Bringing her trays of food. There were so many memories. So many times when Jake had been there for her.

Jake was right, as she had grown older, began to mature she had begun to notice her body changing. Her feelings for Jake. They had been confusing, strong, overwhelming. She hadn’t been able to cope with it all.

She had turned anger into a defence mechanism. Something to hide behind. Slowly that anger had turned to hate toward Jake and she had channelled everything she had into it. Until finally she had created a monster out of him in her mind.

Finally, Amanda dragged herself from her bed and showered again once the sun came up and then dressed in a simple plain yellow summer dress.

When she had finished dressing she went downstairs and into the kitchen to make coffee for herself. Then once made she sat on her sofa, staring silently into her cup as her coffee grew cold and fresh tears ran down her cheeks.

Amanda was only dimly aware of the doorbell chiming. It came again and then again until she got up off the sofa. Putting her cup on the table and like a zombie running on automatic she went out to the front door.

She stared unseeing at the person standing at the door. Reality slowly invaded her brain and she became aware of Jake’s concerned features staring at her.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he took in her swollen red eyes and haunted look. Tear stained cheeks still wet with fresh tears.

“I’m not pregnant.” And then, to her horror, her face crumpled. She covered her face with her hands and broke into gales of huge sobs.

Jake’s arms wrapped around her shaking body and he pulled her close to his warmth. Amanda felt even more vulnerable to him now. What had made her blurt that piece of information? Why had it felt so painful to say that? Wasn’t it better that she wasn’t pregnant?

She heard the front door closing, and then Jake pulled her through to the living room, his arm staying around her protectively and soon she found herself sitting on her sofa, tucked up against Jake with her head resting on his chest. Feeling the rise and fall of his chest. Hearing his breathing and his steady heartbeat.

She had no idea how long she was there wrapped up in the safety of his arms. Hearing his soothing words, feeling the stroking of his hands on her hair. Her arms and her back.

Finally, her sobbing subsided and she grew calm as she drifted in a hazy half sleep state. Reality snuck back into her mind and she tried to lift away from Jake. His arms tightened around her in response.

“Stay.” He whispered. She felt his breath close to her forehead. His lips brushed her skin in a soft gentle kiss and so she settled back against him and snuggled her cheek into his chest.

She sighed and breathed deep, the scent of Jake and his aftershave filling her lungs, already the familiar throbbing starting deep inside.

It wasn’t fair. Even now she wanted him. Even now when she felt like crap and looked it too she wanted him.

She put a hand on his chest, her fingers curled for a moment before she spread them out. Jake’s hand came up to cover hers.

After all was said and done, it was only in Jake’s arms that she felt completely and utterly safe. Even when she was fighting with him she knew that she would find solace and comfort in his strong capable arms. She knew no one could hurt her, that Jake would save her just as he always did, even if it was from herself. But who was going to save her from Jake? “Feeling better.” Jake asked.

Idly Jake began stroking her hair. She lifted her face a little so that she could see the pulse ticking at the side of his neck. Without thinking she moved her hand and gently placed her finger over it so that she could feel it against her skin. Jake moved his own face towards her and kissed her forehead. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked her. Did she?

“I… d-don’t k-know.” She answered truthfully. “I d-don’t think it will h-help.”

“You don’t know unless you try.”

“Oh Jake, what the hell am I doing?” she wailed into his throat.

“I have no idea.” He told her.

“I don’t understand why I act the way I do.” She sniffed.

“You always did like to do things the hard way.” She heard the worried tone in his voice make room for a more relaxed humoured tone.

“I guess.”

“Why change a habit of a lifetime.” His fingers began to massage her scalp.

“I’m used to doing things that way.” She informed him.

“It doesn’t have to be like that.” No it didn’t. She conceded but it was hard to change a behaviour that had become so ingrained in her. Even now she wanted to give in but she still didn’t want Jake to win. He always won.

“You are probably right.”

“No, I am right.” He corrected her.

“Okay, you are right. It’s just hard to let go.” She told him.

“That’s something else I need to get framed along with that ‘I’m sorry’.”  She frowned.

“What.”

“You are right, and, I’m sorry. Two phrases I never thought I would ever hear you say unless under extreme torture.” Amanda playfully slapped his chest with the hand resting on it.

“Jake, don’t be an arse.” She told him and was rewarded with a deep rumbling chuckle. His massaging fingers became a little firmer, releasing tension in her scalp that she didn’t even realise had been there. “I cried all over your shirt.”

“It will dry.” Jake told her. She tried to move then, pushing up with her arms to try and sit but Jake just held on to her tighter. “No, stay here for a little longer.” She did not argue with him. She would rather stay here anyway.

“Jake?” she asked after a few minutes had rolled by.

“Mm.”  Jake murmured as he absently played with her hair. She felt a tiny shiver run down her spine.

“Does it ever cross that mind of yours that you could be the one who is wrong?”

“Me? I am never wrong.” He teased her. “What could I possibly be wrong about?” she could hear the laughter in his voice.

“About… you, me, us, this… you know.” She waited, holding her breath for his answer.

“There has never been a doubt in my mind, ever.” He told her bluntly and she gave a sad little smile.

“How did I manage to mess things up so badly?”

“Probably by being you.” He replied.

“Do you know what my trouble is?”

“O, where to begin.” He teased her.

“Be very careful what you say.” She warned him.

“You don’t scare me.” He remarked. She knew that it was true. She had never scared him. Her temper had never fazed him.

“My trouble is that I don’t engage my brain before I engage my mouth.” She complained.

“You know, that’s funny you mention that because I had noticed that.” He told her.

“Hey that was your cue to disagree with me. You know, tell me I am wrong.”

“I would be lying.” He informed her.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” She moaned.

“You know I am right.” Yes, she did.

“I don’t know what it is you want from me Jake.”

“I just want you.” Amanda felt the little excited flip that her heart made at his words. This was definitely very dangerous talk.

“I’m tired of all the arguments.” She said sleepily. She closed her eyes as she yawned.

“So am I.” Jake agreed.

“I should get up.”

“There is no hurry.” He assured her and she relaxed. No, there was no hurry.

Amanda drifted in and out of a drowsy half sleep. Some-times she woke to find Jake brushing his fingers through her hair. Or massaging her scalp. Or stroking her back.

But when she woke this time it was to find that somehow she had brought up one leg and had draped it over Jake’s lap. Her knee resting against Jake’s hip bone.