Be in the Real (32 page)

Once again Kaila wanted to rest her head against Derrick’s chest, feel the beat of his heart against her cheek, know what it felt like to be with a lover. She longed to be everything to him and more, but she also knew that she would never have any of it. For a moment the truth of her life made her heart ache for what she would never have, for all the time that she would be alone, for the things she would never do, never see, for the countries she would never travel to, and the food she wouldn’t taste and…

She felt the water hit her face, instantly grabbing the breath from her lungs. Kaila coughed. She blinked away the torrents of water flying at her. What she did manage to see through the waterfall was a half-smile that was all too familiar, a star-shaped scar that she had grown to love, and a girl who had no idea how lovely or lucky she was. It was in that moment as she gasped for breath, laughing as she and Pauline splashed each other with the vigor and enthusiasm of two children, that she knew what she was supposed to do; be there, right there, until she wasn’t.

CHAPTER 40

Kaila’s outburst had somehow managed to extinguish the fire that had ignited between Pauline and Derrick. Though they remained playful, the sexual overtones had disappeared, so Kaila could fully enjoy the day. The afternoon unwound its colors and flavors, and Kaila savored every one. She swam until her skin wrinkled and her bladder was near bursting before she finally exited to use the toilet.
 

When they grew hungry, Pauline brought out nacho chips and spicy salsa that made Kaila’s tongue tingle. They drank pink lemonade with tiny pastel colored paper umbrellas that Kaila couldn’t stop opening and closing, marveling at how the bamboo frames worked so perfectly.
 

When Pauline and Derrick were busy smoking from a pear-shaped glass bowl device with long hoses coming from it called a Hookah, Kaila snuck away to shove a few umbrellas into the folds of her clothes so she could remember every little bit of the day. Several times Derrick looked at Kaila as if he was about to say that he needed to return her to Wildwind, but he never did.
 

When dusk came and the sky was lit with ripples of violet, peach and pink, Pauline ordered more food for them. Since they couldn’t decide what they wanted to eat, Pauline ordered from three different restaurants, Chinese, Mexican and Italian. There was Moo Shu pork, fried noodles with huge pink shrimp, wonton soup, and fortune cookies that were crispy and sweet with hidden messages and predictions. Kaila allowed Trillian to snap open a few.
 

The crunchy corn tacos were stuffed with shredded beef and came with even more nacho chips. These chips were laden with thick orange cheese sauce, green olives and sliced jalapeno peppers. The last thing to arrive was an extra-large pizza with a thin crispy crust that was topped with half pepperoni while the other half was loaded with mushrooms, peppers, sausage, black olives, extra cheese and things that Kaila couldn’t identify, but Derrick said were anchovies.

 
Kaila sampled as much food as she could, until her stomach finally balked then cramped; she knew that she was done. With her belly stuffed to maximum, Kaila lay back against the lounge chair, gazing at the stars that managed to poke holes through the canopy of trees. Time passed and Kaila stared, lost in the sensations of the moment, until she was dragged back by Pauline’s voice.

“Kaila, Kaila, come on, we’re going for a drive.”
 

Kaila was content to stay in the space that she was occupying for eternity, but the excitement in Pauline’s voice was contagious. She rapidly got to her feet; ready to go where Pauline led her. Kaila followed Pauline who swayed a little as she fought to walk straight. Derrick slipped in behind Pauline, grabbing her around the waist in a bear hug. He twirled her in place until Pauline’s legs swung out in an arc.
 

Derrick wasn’t steady on his feet either. After he had spun around one too many times, he staggered sideways before he regained his balance. Even so, he managed to maintain his hold on Pauline, who for her part laughed hysterically. This type of odd and erratic behavior grew by degrees, with every line of cocaine they did, every drink of alcohol they consumed, and every puff of grey smoke they inhaled into their lungs. Though as gone as they both seemed to be, they were united in their belief that Kaila was to steer clear of all of their hedonistic practices, as though she was a toddler not a full grown woman.
 

Seeing the way they were tottering around, walking on invisible stilts, Kaila was confused about their reasons for filling their bodies with all the foreign substances. She herself had consumed many pills and medications of several shapes and sizes, all varying her moods and mind in some imperceivable way, yet those were taken on command not because she desired it so. But since she had been out of Wildwind, in the moments when Derrick hadn’t given her a pill, Kaila saw the world clearer than ever before, as though someone had tuned in a high-powered microscope that led to her brain.
 

Kaila stood up. She followed the still chuckling Pauline, who had her arm slung across Derrick’s bare shoulders. Though still shirtless, Derrick had tugged his jeans on over his swimming trunks. Pauline had changed into a filmy dress that was the color of the filling of the lemon meringue pie that they had once served in the Wildwind cafeteria, but had later abandoned producing. Her hair was tousled and wild, matching her fevered expression.
 

Kaila had grudgingly shifted out of her swimsuit, and had donned her clothes once again. The outfit that she wore every day of her existence now somehow felt less comfortable than before. It felt as if she had shed a skin, and when she had tried to put it back on it didn’t fit as well as it once had.
 

The house was mostly dark as they tread through, there was just enough light for safe passage. Pauline and Derrick weren’t as adept at maneuvering around the furniture they passed along the way and bumped into several things. When a loud crash resonated through the gigantic house, Pauline and Derrick were completely unfazed. Kaila startled and jumped at the explosion of sound. It was soon discovered that Derrick had run headlong into a six-foot tall potted hibiscus tree that had been laden with bright orange blossoms. He and Pauline’s only recognition of the destruction came when they took exaggerated steps over the shattered pieces of blue and gold pottery. Kaila paused for a moment to stare at the plant and the spilled soil that left the roots of the plant completely exposed, she imagined it screaming in agony at being dislodged from the comfort of the pot that had been its home.

The garage was massive. Pauline pressed a button that elevated the garage door long before Kaila could study her new environment. The garage door slid open, revealing a night so still that it seemed that the world had stopped living. Fresh air mingled with the stench of oil, gas and a hint of exhaust. Kaila inhaled it all.

“Let’s take the Ferrari,” Pauline said after an extended perusal of the five cars that were contained within the space.

“A fucking Ferrari? Are you serious?”

 
Derrick’s voice was slurred, as if his tongue had grown too large for his mouth. It sounded so funny to Kaila’s ears that she smiled then released a laugh that came from deep down inside her.

“Yep, a fucking Ferrari. Only the best, for the best fucking daughter in the whole fucking world…”
 

Pauline scratched her head then ran her fingers along her star-shaped scar. All the mirth that had lit her face moments before dropped away, and was replaced by a sadness that made Kaila’s heart hurt.

“Except for the fucking fact that I like to fuck girls…”
 

Pauline’s words trailed off and she was silent for a minute. Suddenly she broke into another fit of laughter. Though it was supposed to be a sound of happiness, it made Kaila feel so heavy, like all the light had been sucked from the room.

“Lessss go.”
 

Pauline took a swipe at a set of car keys hanging on a hook on the concrete wall. The word Ferrari was engraved on a brass plate above it. She made a second pass at the keys. This time she made purchase, but only for a fraction of time because the keys dropped out of her grasp seconds later. Derrick retrieved them long before Pauline had realized that they were gone. He dangled the keys in front of Pauline who squinted, trying to focus on the cut pieces of metal that would take them anywhere they wanted to go.

“Here you go.”

Pauline shook her head. She stumbled against Derrick. He just managed to catch her before she fell on the concrete floor.
 

“Nope, that’s for you, you drive…I’m fucked.”

Derrick shook his head. “I can’t drive a Ferrari, not when I’m this stoned.”
 

As if to prove his point he hit the button that controlled the garage door. It promptly closed, making Kaila’s heart sink.

“It’s either you or Kaila because I can’t drive.”
 

Pauline staggered again. Kaila noticed that she had left wet footprints on the concrete floor. On closer examination she saw that the wet was only coming from Pauline’s right foot. Kaila studied the floor for only a second before she realized that it wasn’t water under Pauline’s foot, it was blood.

“She’s hurt.”

 
Kaila sprang forward, going down on her knees with enough force that she knew that she would later have bruises. Pauline took a few moments to comprehend that Kaila was no longer standing. She glanced down. When she spotted the bloody footprint she merely laughed. Derrick, who seemed more aware than Pauline, lifted her into his arms, an expression of concern made his face harden.
 

“What happened to your foot?” he asked.
 

He shoved the keys into his pocket then carried Pauline back into the house. He gently placed her on the closest piece of furniture, a pure white love seat. Pauline continued to giggle, her eyes rolling in a way that reminded Kaila of spinning marbles. Derrick snatched Pauline’s foot in both of his hands, he turned the sole up in a fluid motion.

“Shit.”
 

He breathed out a long sigh. “You’ve got a shard of that ceramic pot in your foot.”
 

He brought his face closer to Pauline’s foot, studying the place where Kaila could see a half-inch triangle of white pottery, jutting from Pauline’s skin. Blood trickled around the edges, splashing onto Derrick’s hands. Kaila moved in closer.
 

She had seen people cut themselves before in Wildwind, and had even caught a few patients who had tried to slice their wrists or whatever body part that they could get to, with whatever they could find.
 

To Kaila’s recollection, a patient named Trixie had been the most inventive in finding a way to harm herself. Trixie had been in Wildwind for only a week when she had fashioned a piece of plastic that she had snapped off a hanger into something lethal. She had sharpened the plastic enough that she was able to gouge a wound deep into her neck and had almost bled out. Everyone had said that if Kaila hadn’t found her in the corner of the recreation room, wedged in a space where extra chairs were stored, she would have died. It hadn’t mattered much though because a few weeks later she had managed to get to the roof; her next attempt at killing herself went exactly as planned. Kaila had wondered what had happened to the man and the small baby bundled in a fuzzy pink blanket, that she had seen Trixie with several times during visitations.
 

There were few people who entered Kaila’s world that she remembered or cared about, but somehow she had noticed Trixie. In Kaila’s mind Trixie had seemed to have everything that most people in Wildwind didn’t have, a family who cared about her, and a life worth living in the real. Kaila now knew that Pauline had that too.

“I need some gauze and some antiseptic…” Derrick started to say.
 

He had shifted out of his drug-induced stupor and was on high alert.

 
“My hero.”
 

Pauline leaned forward. She planted a sloppy kiss on Derrick’s mouth mid-sentence. Instead of responding as he had before, he pulled away. His face was riddled with strain.

“Do you have a medical kit?”
 

Pauline stared at him blankly before she nodded and pointed a finger at somewhere behind him.
 

“In the rest room right over there, under the sink…”
 

She fell back against the plush fabric, then snapped her foot out of Derrick’s grasp to bring it back up and over her knee.
 

“It’s nothing,” she said.
 

She pinched her thumb and forefinger together, attempting unsuccessfully to pry the glass from her foot. All she managed to do was spread even more blood on the white fabric of the sofa and the tender skin of her foot.

Derrick didn’t attempt to stop Pauline. He stood up abruptly, moving in exaggerated strides toward the place that Pauline had motioned to.

“He’s so cute,” Pauline said, resting her blood-smeared hand on her thigh.
 

Drops of crimson spattered the soft yellow of her dress. Kaila reached forward and tugged the piece of glass out of Pauline’s foot adeptly. She stared down at the sharp point that had punctured her friend’s skin. Thick blood filled the space where the shard had been, dribbling down in a more steady stream now.

“Ouch,” Pauline said in a delayed reaction, then she broke into another fit of laughter.

“My nurse Kaila, and my doctor Derrick. I couldn’t be in better hands.”
 

She stared at the blood streaming from the wound, mesmerized. She made no attempt to stem the flow. Knowing that it wasn’t okay for blood to pour out of your body like that, Kaila clamped a hand over Pauline’s foot, applying as much pressure as she could. Pauline screwed up her face then threw her head back against the sofa. She closed her eyes. Kaila held her hand in place, waiting until Derrick returned.