Be in the Real (35 page)

“What are you doing?” Derrick voiced the question that had just taken up residence in Kaila’s mind.

Pauline didn’t answer. She continued staring into the gloom. Kaila opened the car door then slid into the passenger seat. Kaila leaned back against the seat of the car, the leather squeaked with the act. She closed her eyes, sleep took her seconds later.

The sound of arguing voices jarred her awake. It took her a minute to remember where she was. When she did, Kaila recognized that the voices were Pauline and Derrick’s. Still half asleep, she stumbled out of the car. As soon as she was standing, she locked onto Pauline and Derrick. The light illuminated the pair who were arguing vehemently. Their sudden row seemed odd to Kaila, given they had been more than a little amorous for most of the day. Kaila took a few steps closer to them, bits and pieces of the conversation drifted toward her on the wind.

“We need to go. I have to take Kaila back…”

“You can’t take her back, not now anyway, don’t get your panties into a bunch, he’ll be here soon and then we can do a few more lines and everything will get smooth again…”

“I’ve had enough coke to last a lifetime. I need to crash…”
 

Derrick made another grab for Pauline’s arm, but she lurched away before he caught hold of her. She winced when her injured foot hit the gravel then stopped abruptly.

“Fuck this shit. Let your drug dealer drive you home. Kaila and I are going.”

Pauline spun to face him. She had moved to the center of the road and was far enough away from the light that she was enveloped by darkness. Fixed on Pauline, Kaila didn’t notice that Derrick had come back to the car until she heard the door slam. She spun to face him, leaning into the open door. Derrick jammed the key into the ignition.

“Get in, we’re leaving. She’s being fucking unreasonable.”

Kaila shook her head. Her eyes read the red lights of the clock, 11:55 o’clock.

“We can’t leave her, she’s my friend.”
 

Kaila turned back to face the road. Then everything happened in slow motion. The lights of the speeding car caught Pauline in the glow, but she was too intent on the small screen of her phone to register the car, or the fact that she was moments away from being hit. Kaila’s legs pushed her forward, instinct taking over long before her brain had a chance to catch up. She wasn’t sure how she was going to do it only that she somehow needed to get Pauline out of the way.
 

“Pauline.”
 

Kaila’s voice charged the air with fear that squeezed her heart into putty.
 

Pauline’s face tilted up and away from her phone. She studied Kaila for a moment, but her numbed senses were no match for a speeding car. By the time she had realized what was happening it was too late. Kaila hit Pauline as hard as she could and it was in that moment that she knew why she had been gifted her strength. In a flash of time that seemed to stretch into oblivion, Kaila knew that every piece of her life had been placed and orchestrated, leading her to this very moment. The grand finale, where she would save Pauline. She knew that Derrick had been right all along. It had all been predestined, despite what he had believed.
 

He was a prophet.

 
Pauline flew away from her into the blackness, a hand extended toward Kaila, her fingers attempting to grasp anything she could. And Kaila saw it there, the star-shaped scar on Pauline’s face, shining bright in the cars beams, and she knew what it meant, finally she knew. It was at that exact moment that the car hit her full force and Kaila knew nothing more.

CHAPTER 43

“Kaila, Kaila, wake up…I’m so sorry, I did this. I…”

Kaila’s eyes fluttered open to an unnatural brightness that made her squint.

“Help’s coming, just stay still.” Derrick’s voice was cut with tension.
 

His face bobbed into view, basked in light as if he were an angel. And she sighed at how truly beautiful he was; she knew that she loved him then and would love him forever.

Pauline held Kaila’s head in her arms, stroking her long fingers across Kaila’s cheek, and the spiders didn’t come, she knew they would never come again. Strands of Pauline’s dark hair brushed against Kaila’s cheek and the scent of he Jasmine perfume wafted around her, comforting in its familiarity.
 

“I saved you.”
 

Kaila’s voice sounded odd as if she was trying to speak around a mouth full of water. When she tried to draw in a breath she found that it was impossible to do. It felt as if a heavy weight had been positioned onto her chest.

“Yes, you saved me. I was so fucking stupid and now…”
 

Pauline’s words dissolved into a flood of tears that dripped onto Kaila’s flesh. It was warm against the cool that seemed to now encase her. It was then that she realized that she couldn’t feel anything below her neck; something had severed all the nerves that powered her body.

“Don’t cry,” Kaila said.

 
It seemed Kaila’s words had just the opposite effect that she had been hoping for; more tears brimmed then spilled from her friend, another bath of salty water. She wanted to lift a hand to Pauline’s face, touch the star, a touchstone to the past that they had shared, but her body ignored the request.
 

“Don’t try to talk, just rest. They’re…”
 

Derrick cut off abruptly, tilting his head to the side, searching for a sound. It came moments later, a siren peeling in the night air.
 

“It’s almost here. They’re going to fix you Kaila.”
 

His words were hopeful, but there was no conviction in his gaze. He knew as well as Kaila did that what was broken couldn’t be fixed. And for the first time since she had met him, she saw tears glitter in his eyes. Oddly, seeing the emotion in him comforted Kaila because it said she mattered.

Pauline released an inhuman sound that spoke of immeasurable pain.
 

“It’s going to be alright, everything is going to be okay.”

 
Kaila knew her words were true, as certain as Kaila had been that Derrick’s prediction about Pauline had been genuine.
 

She was going to be okay
.
 

Then she felt Trillian for the first time since she had come around. Weak and disjointed, Trillian fought to stay, as if she could disentangle her being from Kaila and become a separate entity, but even Trillian couldn’t mend this. Kaila was human, and so was Trillian. Then she felt Trillian fade away until she flickered and was no more. For the first time ever Kaila was alone, completely and utterly, and all the secrets that Trillian had kept from her came rushing to the forefront and she knew it all, knew everything.
 

“I can’t stay.”
 

The pressure on Kaila’s chest grew, yet she pushed through, determined to say what she needed to.

Pauline shook her head violently. “That’s not true, we’re going to be together again, I’m coming back to Wildwind, and I’m never going to leave again, and we can…”

“No.”
 

Kaila’s voice was now just a gasp of air. Weariness was pulling her away. She knew that the place she was going to was so very beautiful, but she wasn’t ready to leave, not before she said what she needed to.

“Don’t go back Pauline, don’t ever go back…be in the real…”

 
The words had depleted whatever reserves Kaila had left. She closed her eyes.

“Kaila stay with me.”
 

She tried to open her eyes again, tried to gaze one last time at Derrick’s face but it wasn’t meant to be. And as the last breath left her lungs she remembered something that Trillian had written in what had seemed a lifetime ago, this time they were Kaila’s words alone, and it had changed, she had changed.
 

For how could she not have changed after living in a world that sparkled with so much life and beauty.

There are many things that I can say about me, to show you who I was, and who I will never be, so I could bring you into the world that was mine, the space that I occupied, but time is short so I must rush forward.

And so I will say, never doubt that the real is so much more than you thought. Do not fool your mind into believing that the virtual is all in the same as the space that is real, for it would be like believing in a fallacy, a lie that you repeat until it becomes your truth. I beg you to heed my words, for I have found the truth, and knowing it makes everything that went before it exactly right.

 
There is a memory in my soul now that said that I belonged, a moment that I felt whole, as if I had been placed in just the right second, just the right minute for my journey to have continued. And in that space of time I learned that love IS not a word, it is a state of being, I felt love, and it was so much more than my paltry words could express. Love is in the sun that crests on the horizon, filling the world with light, it is in the caress of a baby’s skin and in the scent of a blossom. It is in the rain that cools on a hot summer day, and the feel of a kiss on fevered lips. I have been that woman in the arms of a man, felt the press of his chest against my cheek, smelled the scent that said he was with me, not just an image that I could never touch.
 

The real was everything I imagined it to be, and so much more, and if I must leave this world now, it is with a smile that I usher in the Grim Reaper. He may take me to oblivion or wherever he so chooses, because I have dove into the deep end, touched the bottom of the sea, tasted everything that was sweet, and it was real.

 
I was real, forever and always.
 

My gilded cage has been opened, and I will fly to places that I have never known but that I had always dreamed about. I lived in the real for a blink of time, but it was more than every day I spent locked away. And in those moments I felt, really felt, and it was enough. And I found peace that those of us who are immersed fully in the world can boast. It was perfect, it was life, it was mine.

My name is Kaila and this was my story. ∞

EPILOGUE

Pauline and Derrick stood close together, shoulders pressed as the minister spoke words that mattered little to the people who had lost so much, but were meant to honor the person who had left their ranks. The sun was hot against the black that Derrick was clad in, but seeing the casket being lowered into the ground pushed all thoughts of comfort away because Kaila was gone, truly gone and it was all his fault. He didn’t think it would ever go away, the ache that said he was responsible for Kaila’s death. Derrick’s guilt paled only to Pauline’s own remorse, her overwhelming need to blame everything on her own actions.
 

Desperate for a diversion from the ceremony, he scanned the people gathered in the graveyard. There were over two hundred at least, maybe more. When he had sent out an email to all the people from Franco’s club, and had also made a notation in Trillian’s blog, informing them that Trillian and Kaila had died, the response had been so much more than he had expected. Comments of support and sympathy had clogged the website, and were still coming in daily. He knew that Trillian would have appreciated the show of support, though he wasn’t sure if Kaila would have.

Just imagining the two as separate entities seemed odd to him, but he had known both women who were as different as day and night. Trillian had drawn him to Wildwind, but Kaila had captured his heart. Her innocence, candidness and the way she had perceived the world, had been unique and somehow, without even trying, she had become a part of his world. Now that she was gone her loss felt like something tangible that made it hard to breathe.

Pauline squeezed his fingers, bringing him back to the moment. It had ended and he hadn’t been aware. Throngs of people filed away from the hole in the ground, where the pulleys had already lowered Kaila’s body.

Derrick and Pauline joined the people leaving, blending in with everyone who claimed to have known Kaila, but who never had. A smallish man with a thin waspish face and a wiry build stepped into Pauline and Derrick’s path.
 

“Thanks for letting me know about…”

The man shrugged, pushing his thick glasses up the bridge of his slim nose. Something crossed his face that might have been reticence, but was also sadness.

“She would have wanted you here Norm,” Pauline said. Her voice broke with the statement.
 

Norm dug his hands into his paint-splattered jeans. A gust of wind flapped his thin white t-shirt that matched his pants in its destruction.

“Maybe, maybe not…I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate you letting me know.”

Pauline nodded. Derrick shoved a hand toward Norm.
 

“Nice to meet you,” he said.

Norm looked down at Derrick’s clean hand as if he wasn’t sure what to do with it. Finally he pulled a nicotine-stained hand from his pocket and clasped it. Only after they had grasped each others hands did Derrick remember that though he had known all about Norm from Kaila, Norm had no idea who he was.

“I’m Derrick, a former resident of Wildwind too, and a friend of Kaila’s.”

Her name caught in his throat and he tried to clear the phantom phlegm that felt lodged there.

Norm’s face broke into a wide grin, showcasing the absence of one of his front teeth.

“I don’t know what the hell she and I were, but whatever it was, will never leave me, she’ll never leave me.”

He rubbed his hands together, gazing over their shoulders to where Kaila would now rest forever.
 

“Anyway I better get back to work, I’m trying to stay on the straight and narrow these days,” Norm said after a few beats. He brought his focus back to Pauline and Derrick.

They nodded. Norm drew in a long breath and released it, then turned to leave. They watched him disappear into the crowd.

“She’s dead because of me.”