Beat the Band (34 page)

“Did they tell you that? They’re full of crap.” But my stomach heaves with guilt, because I
was
the one who stole her locker combo. And who filled out the application. But the rest was all Prudence. Prudence and her minions.

“That’s what we thought, too.” Valerie shakes her head. “Then they showed us the video of you guys planning it all. And the text message you sent Prudence, the one with Helen’s locker combination.”

“OK, Val, listen —”

“And then,” she says, “they handed over a copy of the filled-out application form. In your handwriting. Helen told me about all the questions you asked her. To ‘get to know her better.’ You’re despicable, Cooper.”

“No, it wasn’t . . .” I can’t get the air deep enough in my lungs. “Look, let me —”

“I hope it was worth it,” Valerie says. “You completely destroyed her.”

“Let me talk to her, please!” I try to push past her.

Valerie doesn’t move. “She has nothing to say to you. You’re an asshole, Coop.”

“Helen!” I call over Valerie’s shoulder. “It’s Coop. Listen to me. I’m sorry! Come out. I can explain. Please!”

Valerie glares at me. “Go away.”

“But —”

She cuts me off with her dark stare. “Do the right thing for once in your life and leave her alone.”

Valerie disappears into the bathroom, the door swinging slowly shut behind her.

My body sags, like my skeleton’s turned to rubber. I lean back against the wall, trying to steady myself. Just as I turn to go, I see Matt and Sean approaching.

“Hey, Coop,” Sean calls out.

“They’re about to start,” Matt says, jittery with nerves. “We should —” The look in his eyes suddenly shifts. Restlessness replaced by concern. “What’s going on?”

“I fucked up,” I say, feeling dead inside. “Completely and absolutely.”

“What happened?” Sean asks.

“I’m a huge tool. What can I say?” I gesture with my head toward the bathroom door. “They’ll tell you all about it. I have to get out of here.”

I turn and start walking toward the stairs.

“Coop, what’s going on?” Matt calls after me.

I don’t answer. Just keep moving.

“What about the show?” Sean says.

I trudge down the steps and head out the side door, into the blizzard. My feet crunch the snow on the ground. It’s dark. And freezing cold. But I don’t care.

I just keep walking.

BY THE TIME I LOOK UP
from the snow-caked ground I realize I’ve walked at least a mile from the school. All the way up to the Rockville Avenue Pool.

Everything’s so quiet. Like the world is holding its breath.

I step up to the fence and grip it. Press my forehead against the chain links. They’ve emptied the pool for the season. It’s just a concrete hole now, filling up with snow. It’s weird being here in the winter. I forget all about this place once they close it down at the end of August. I mean, I know it still exists. It’s just that it’s like a television that’s been turned off. You pass by, you know it’s still there, but you just sort of ignore it.

I scale the fence. Don’t care if anyone sees me. It’s like I’ve gone numb. Don’t even feel the rawness in the air anymore, the sting on my skin.

It’s a good thing they take the diving boards down in the winter or I might be tempted to see if I could survive a cannonball into the powder that’s accumulated on the bottom of the pool. It’s only a few inches deep, so probably not.

Instead, I climb the ladder down into the empty pool and walk through the snow blanket. Kicking up the perfectly smooth whiteness as I go.

I hate the fact that I can’t run away from myself. No matter where I go, my stupid voice still rattles around in my head. Telling me that I shouldn’t have done this or I should have done that. Like I don’t know all this already? Like I need to keep hearing it again and again? It’s not as though I sat down and planned to ruin everything.

It just . . . happened.

Keep telling yourself that, Coop. Maybe you’ll start believing it.

I believe it because it’s true.

Really? So how did you imagine things would
turn out?

All right, shut the hell up, okay? Just, leave me alone.

But you
are
alone.

You see? This is what I’m dealing with. My own brain has turned on me. Trying to use logic and facts to confuse me.

I make my way past the lifeguard stands, to the deep end of the pool, and sit down with my back against the twelve-foot wall. I grab a handful of snow and press it into a sad looking snowball. Matt, Sean, and me could totally have a killer snowball fight down here. No place to run and hide. It’d be a free-for-all. Sean would end up huddled in the corner, pleading for us to stop barraging him.

It would be good times.

Although, after they hear what I did to Helen, I doubt they’ll ever want to hang out again. I wouldn’t blame them, either.
I
don’t even want to hang out with me.

I hurl my malformed snowball into the air and it lands just a few yards away, rolling a wobbly path through the snow.

There’s no fixing this. Valerie’s right. I’m despicable.

And I’ve completely blown it. With Helen. With my friends. Everything.

Stupid.

How could I be so stupid?

I punch the ground.

Ow. Damn. That was stupid, too. I rub my throbbing knuckles.

At least I’m not frozen yet. I wonder if I’d freeze to death if I stayed here all night. Like Jack Nicholson at the end of
The Shining
. Would I really turn blue like that? Have icicles dripping off my face?

My nose starts to run but I don’t bother wiping it away. Just sniff it back, which does nothing. I tilt my head up and watch the steam stream from my lips. Let the snowflakes land on my face.

The way the light’s shining, and how the snow’s falling, it looks like I’m traveling through hyperspace. The stars hurtling by me.

If I was the Silver Surfer and I had the Power Cosmic, I’d travel through time and go back to this summer. When everything was dope and all my plans worked like a charm. And Matt, Sean, and me stuck together no matter what. Back before the school year. Before being partnered with Helen. And all the crap with Prudence, and the hot dogs, and the Battle of the Bands.

Several ice crystals land in my eyes. Making them water. Snapping me from my daydream. Tears stream over my temples and onto my ears, almost like I’m crying. But I’m not crying. I’m not. It’s just the snow.

I level my head and stare out at the empty pool.

The snowfall is slowing. Just flurries now, floating softly to the ground. Slowly drifting down. Reminding me of the drifty feeling of dancing with Helen in my room.

And then it comes to me. The realization.

I don’t want to take it all back. Not the hours of playing “Would you rather?” with Helen. Or dancing to U2 in my room. Or our first kiss. Or hearing what an awesome singer she is. I wouldn’t trade any of that stuff for a million nights with Prudence Nash. Because who wants Prudence when there’s Helen?

Helen, who was ready to stand up there in front of the entire school and sing with our crappy band because she didn’t want to let the bad guys win. Who has more courage in her pinky finger than I have in my whole body.

I mean, look at me! Sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Bailing on my friends. Leaving them high and dry to explain to everyone why we’re not going to play. Just because I screwed up and don’t want to deal with it.

Jesus Christ, what kind of friend is that?

I get to my feet. Brush the snow from the backs of my legs.

No. If they still want to play — if
Helen
still wants to play — I’m going to be there to play. I owe it to her. To give her what little I can. She deserves to be allowed to show off her talent. The school should know how incredible she is.

I turn my cell phone back on to check the time — 8:52 p.m. — and notice that I have fifteen messages. Don’t need to listen to them to know who they’re from.

Mjöllnir’s probably already three songs into their migraine-inducing set. If I hurry, I should be able to get back just as The Wicked hit the stage.

I climb out of the pool and over the fence.

And start running down Rockville Avenue.

“WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?”
Sean says when he sees me coming down the hall.

“I had to clear my head.” I rub my hands together, trying to get the blood flowing.

The Wicked have already started playing in the gym. Even muffled through the doors I can tell they’re rocking it. They were holding back during the sound check, for sure.

“We called you a million times.” Matt waves his cell phone. “Jesus, Coop. Is it true? What Valerie said you did to Helen?”

I nod, not able to meet his eyes.

“But . . . why?” Sean asks. If my heart wasn’t already destroyed, Sean’s totally baffled expression would break it.

I take a deep breath. “I could give you all my lame-ass excuses but they don’t amount to a weasel’s wang. All I want to do right now is talk to Helen. Apologize. And hopefully, make it up to her.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible, Coop.” Matt looks at me. “Val says Helen’s super upset. You really screwed up.”

“Tell me about it. And you don’t even know the worst part.” I swallow. “I think . . . I’m in love with her.”

Sean’s eyes widen to the size of Ping-Pong balls. “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Seriously. Which is why I have to at least give it a shot.” I glance over my shoulder at the stairs. “Are they still up in the bathroom?”

“Helen is,” Matt says. “Valerie went to get her a drink from the soda machine.”

“Good.” I brush some of the melting snow off my shirt. “Look guys, I’m really sorry about all of this. And I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Or to ask you for any favors. But when Val heads back, could you maybe try and stall her for me? I just . . . need a little time with Helen alone.”

Matt and Sean share a look.

“Sure,” Matt says. “We’ll try.”

“Thanks.”

I turn and head off. As I climb the steps, my mind tries to spin the story every which way possible. The excuses, the justifications, the explanations. All the ways I could make myself come out looking not so heinous.

But as I walk down the second floor hallway, I know there’s only one way through this mess.

The truth.

Which is something I’ve never been very good at.

“Helen?” I call out, pushing open the door to the girls’ bathroom. “Are you in here?” My voice echoes off the sage-green tiles as I cautiously step inside.

When I turn the corner, I see that all of the stall doors are open except the one at the far end, which is just now shutting. I hear the latch sliding.

“Helen, it’s Coop.” I approach the closed door. “Is that you?”

“Go away,” she rasps. “Leave me alone.”

“I can’t. I just want . . .” I take a shaky breath. “Could you please come out?”

Helen sniffles. “I don’t want to see you.”

There’s a weight on my chest as I search for the right words; what I need to say to make this all better. “Listen. I know an apology isn’t nearly enough but . . . I
am
sorry. I was a complete asshole.”

“Worse.”

“A
major
complete asshole. Look. I’ll be totally honest with you, okay? I didn’t do everything they said I did, like the frog and stuff like that. But I did give your locker combo to Prudence, and I did help them fill out the Our Lady of Mercy application. I told myself it was for the best, that you’d be better off at another school.” I close my eyes. Feel the swell of self-loathing filling me up. Oh, God, this is even harder than I thought it would be. “But the truth is . . . I was worried about us being partners . . . and how it would affect the way people saw me. And I was afraid. I was afraid it was going to ruin my reputation. So everything I did — joining the Battle of the Bands, filling out that application, trying to weasel my way out of spending time with you — they were all done to save myself. To impress Prudence and her gang. It was totally cruel and selfish and stupid.” I sigh. “Seriously, if I had any brains at all I would have figured out those girls weren’t worth impressing back in third grade, when Prudence and Bronte stole my Pokémon lunch box and threw it on the roof of the school.” I shake my head. “But let’s face it, I’m a slow learner.”