Beating Around the Bush (12 page)

The second thing I worry about is prescription drugs. They are so expensive that the senior citizen actors in the commercials can no longer afford to play with their grandchildren.

The government does not want the drug companies to go out of business, but we’ve reached the point that many of us have to use all our gas money to drive to Canada to buy pills.

I don’t want to be a wimp, but senior citizens have to pay $140 for a prescription. To make it up to them, they only pay $5 to go to the movies.

Because senior citizens still might buy products—even if advertisers don’t want them to, it has been suggested that they carry an age identification card. The card will permit them to buy a Chevy, Chrysler, or Ford, provided they are accompanied by someone from the 18-to-45-year-old age group. Anyone who sells a car to a senior citizen that has no card will be fined $5,000.

Not all senior citizens are retired. Some are still working because the company holding their pensions spent it on other things. Advertisers should pay attention because since they still have to work, these seniors might have money for Polident, electric toothbrushes, vitamins and Viagra. So even if Pepsi wants only youth to drink their products and Anheuser-Busch wants
Bud Light Beer to be consumed by singles in bars, the senior citizen’s life span is getting longer and longer.

And when the next election comes up, they will be mad as hell and not take it anymore.

LITTLE DID MOSES KNOW when he brought down the Ten Commandments from Mt. Sinai that he would cause so much trouble in Alabama. The stone sculpture bearing the Ten Commandments has been banned from the rotunda in the Alabama Supreme Court building because it violates the separation of church and state.

As everyone knows, Moses went up the mountain alone and stayed for 40 days, after which time God gave him the Ten Commandments on stone tablets. When Moses returned to the desert, he found his people had betrayed him and had acted very badly—so badly that Moses smashed the tablets. Then he demolished the Golden Calf they had constructed. He ground the calf into powder and put it in his people’s drinking water.

Then he went up the mountain again and got a second set of commandments just like those banned from public display in Montgomery, Alabama.

Everything had been going great in the state until a constitutional lawyer discovered the Ten Commandments in the rotunda of the Alabama Supreme Court. He told other constitutional lawyers who agreed it violated the constitutional separation of church and
state. The lawyers won a case in court to have the commandments removed to the back where no one would read them.

There was a hue and cry over it from various religious groups who demonstrated in front of courthouse. I wasn’t sure whose side I should be on so I called Moses on my heavenly cell phone.

“Moses, do you know they want to remove the Ten Commandments from the rotunda in the Alabama Supreme Court?”

“It’s not a sin unless they use the Ten Commandments to justify violent demonstrations. I have this trouble all the time in democracies where people keep trying to display the commandments in government buildings.”

I said, “The people who say it should not be moved declare they believe in God more than the infidels who want the constitution obeyed.”

“Have the people who want the Ten Commandments returned to the rotunda read them?”

“I think so. Alabama is a very religious state. I would say they are true believers in spite of the fact they have one of the lowest literacy rates in the United States.”

Moses said, “I hate to get into this fray. It’s not as if they want to do away with the commandments. It has more to do with where they want to place them. I am more interested in people obeying the Ten Commandments than in where they place them. The one I really want obeyed is, ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’ It keeps coming up all the time in the courts.”

“Where is God in all this?” I asked.

“He hasn’t paid as much attention to Alabama as he did during the civil rights demonstrations. God believes you can have the Constitution and the Commandments and they don’t conflict with each other as long as you don’t put the stone tablets in the rotunda.”

I know there are some readers who will doubt I had this conversation, but I swear I did, so help me God.

THE WEEKLY MEETING of Power Anonymous was held in Washington.

“My name is George W. and I am a recovering power addict. I guess I inherited my liking of power from my father. I first started using power heavily when I became governor of Texas. The fellows I hung out with were all power abusers. Some drank it, and others sniffed it.

“I had no choice but to use it myself because it was in my genes. I tried to kick the habit when I came to Washington, but I didn’t know this was the center of power for the free world.

“I could buy all the power I wanted on any street corner. Every time I woke up I had to have a fix. Then I would go to my office and my staff said I didn’t have enough of it. It wasn’t long before I started having nightmares. I believed people on the Hill were out to get me.

“Some say I am still on a power trip. But if I hadn’t hit bottom I wouldn’t be here tonight.”

“My name is Donald R. I work in the Pentagon. As a matter of fact, I am the Pentagon. Next to George W., I have the most power in America. I can send troops anywhere I want to and no one can stop me except George W., but he never understood what real military power was all about and left the decisions up to me.

“I have more power because George believes me more than he does Colin. I got my first taste of power when, as Secretary of Defense, I was flying a fighter plane over the no-fly zone in Iraq. I saw several tanks explode and realized that I had enough power to blow up anything I wanted to. Power didn’t come cheap. It cost billions and billions of dollars, but I had it to spend. The fact that I’m here tonight doesn’t mean I’m cured. Any day I can go back to getting high on it. There are twelve steps to Power Anonymous. I’m still on the first one. Giving it up is much tougher than you think.”

“My name is Colin P. I used to be a general but in my present job nobody really listens to me. At the beginning I was hooked on power, but as time went by it was harder and harder to keep it.

“That’s one of the reasons I am coming out of the closet. If you can’t get real power you can’t take a chance with the adulterated stuff.

“I hope to help other secretaries of state who don’t realize what so-called power trips do to your health.”

“My name is Condoleezza R. and I came late to power. Originally I wanted to be a pianist, but friends got me to try power and I became high on it. I hope to break the habit because power makes me look too serious—I know how important being on
Meet the Press
is. But I also know that after all the news shows your thinking becomes fuzzy and power becomes an addiction. Power Anonymous is my last resort. If I can’t stop using power I will wind up in the gutter and on the
Jerry Springer Show
.”

“My name is Dick C. I don’t have much power except with the energy companies. The reason I am here is that I like to circulate with all you people. George W. is my role model. Once he was power mad, but he now realizes that it is not always the answer.”

The meeting adjourned and everyone had doughnuts and coffee.
They promised to meet the next week—unless there was another war—in which case they all might break their vows.

YOU HEAR IT A LOT about public figures, particularly with an election coming up. Everyone running for office is described by his introducer at every political rally as a “great American.”

I have never heard anyone say a person is a “good American,” but every once in awhile I hear someone called a “bad American.”

The “greatest American” is President Bush (all presidents, even Nixon, have been referred to as the “greatest president” when in office). But Bush’s people have gone one step farther, particularly at Republican fundraising dinners, calling him the “greatest president the country has ever had.” This always is followed by a standing ovation.

Who is a “great American” and who isn’t?

Let’s take the attorney general as a role model. If you are in favor of his Patriot Act and don’t mind your private life being scrutinized and profiled, then Ashcroft will not only consider you a “great American,” but he’ll also throw in the word “patriot” for free. If you raise any constitutional issues as to how he is running the Justice Department, you are a suspect and have to be watched carefully.

Just because you know the words to the “Star Spangled Banner” doesn’t necessarily mean you are automatically a “great American.” Even football players and Britney Spears sing the national anthem before a game.

With Iraq still in chaos, the real test of a “great American” is if you support the way Bush is handling the “Peace.” This means giving him all the money he needs, defending him against the anti-Bushies that are getting more numerous every day and supporting him in plans to restart the economy.

If people who are unemployed don’t complain about their status, the White House will consider them “great Americans.”

Even in the government, the questions of those who are and those who aren’t is still up in the air. For example, the FBI believes every member of the bureau is a “great American” (except for whistleblowers and Robert Hanssen, who is doing life for selling out his country to the Soviet Union).

The CIA claims to have more great ones than the FBI, but they can’t talk about it. They have undercover agents who can’t even admit they are Americans.

You don’t have to be born in this country to be a “great American.” Arnold Schwarzenegger is one—at least his wife Maria says he is.

In days gone by it was okay to be an American, but now with the talk show hosts yelling and name calling, they can make or break your patriotism. The dean of TV and radio talk shows is Bill O’Reilly. He makes up his audience’s minds for them on where they stand. Sometimes it gets personal. For example, he believes Rupert Murdoch is a “great American” because he signs O’Reilly’s paycheck.

It is much easier with the chaos in Iraq to weed out the good guys from the bad ones. If you criticize anyone in the Pentagon, you are a traitor and giving aid and comfort to Saddam Hussein.

Rush Limbaugh is also an arbiter as to who is for this country and who is not. Limbaugh speaks for the people on the Right while he trashes the people on the Left.

The only one every conservative agrees is a terrible American
is Al Franken. Although he has a bestselling book, the right wing says he should either leave the country or shut up.

Where do I stand? I am going to night school and taking a course in Patriotism 101. If I pass I’ll let you know.

I CAME BACK FROM LUNCH and asked my assistant Cathy, “Any calls from the White House?”

“No,” she said.

“Nothing from any high officials in the Administration?”

“No. The only call you got was from the laundry saying your shirts are ready.”

“I don’t understand it,” I said. “Someone is leaking all over town to reporters about the CIA but no one is leaking to me. We didn’t put the White House on the Do-Not-Call list did we?”

“No, we didn’t,” she said.

“I know they leaked to Robert Novak. Why him and not me?”

“He has better connections with the Administration,” Cathy said. “The White House knows he’ll put their spin on it.”

“But so will I if they just give me a chance. Someone told Novak that an Ambassador’s wife worked for the CIA, and that’s against the law. If they had told me I would have printed it, and like Novak, I would never reveal my source.”

Cathy said, “They don’t trust you.”

“That is silly. If they leaked to me I would be as trustworthy as Novak. They just won’t give me a chance.”

The phone rang again. Cathy answered it. I heard her say, “Yes, four o’clock at 18th and L Streets.”

She hung up. I asked her, “Was that a White House leak?”

“No, it was Ritz Camera. They said your pictures would be ready at 4 o’clock.”

I had nothing to do so I called the CIA. When the man answered I said, “Did you know someone in the government is leaking the names of undercover agents to the press?”

“Thanks for telling us. We never know what is going on in Washington.”

“I can’t give you names because I would be violating my journalistic oath, but if you read the Novak column you can connect the dots.”

“We will get our people on it right away, and if what you say is true, we’ll turn it over to the Justice Department who will turn it over to the FBI, which by the way, we can’t stand. What is your interest in all this?”

I said, “I got the same information Novak did, but I refused to print it.”

“Atta boy. We’re glad you are on our side.”

Cathy said, “Why did you tell him all that?”

“If the White House is going to leak to their friends they are going to have to pay for it. Let’s see, how should I start the column? How about, ‘Sources in the Oval Office told this reporter . . .’”

Cathy said, “It’s boring.”

“How about, ‘I have it on the highest authority that someone in the government revealed the name of an undercover CIA agent, thus endangering the lives of hundreds of her contacts overseas.’”

“That’s better,” Cathy said. “Do you want to reveal the agent’s name?”

“I’ll save that for next week.”

RUSH LIMBAUGH, the serial conservative and football expert, has stepped into doo-doo over remarks he made on TV about black quarterbacks. There are three answers as to why he did it: he is a racist, his radio show is racist, and he allegedly buys painkillers in batches of 4,000 pills at a time.