Beating Around the Bush (2 page)

“Now, in order to have a successful economy you have to have money. Most people earn their money by having a job. You get paid by the company for services rendered, such as working for a telephone company, or being a computer programmer. Now, as soon as Alfred Sidewinder is paid, he gives the money to someone else, like a department store or the grocer, usually with a credit card.

“The department store or the grocer then takes Alfred’s money and puts it in the bank to pay off their own debts. The bank, in turn, lends the money to Howard Simpan, who wants to buy a house, and to Frederick Lipscomb, who wants to open a pizza
parlor. In a good economy, everybody is handing each other money, and everyone is happy. Some invest money in stocks, and these companies then spread the wealth because everyone believes the market will always go up.

“That’s the good side. The bad side is, if Alfred Sidewinder, at the beginning of the merry-go-round, doesn’t spend any money. Then we have a recession.”

One of the children on the side of the unemployed parents says, “My father doesn’t have any money. He lost his job making office file cabinets.” Another one yells, “My father lost his job as an airline pilot.” A third one chimes in, “My father has no work because his greeting card company printed all their cards in Indonesia.”

A child on the side of the room whose parents are still working says, “My father won’t let my mother spend any money. He says you never know when you will no longer have a job.”

“If the economy gets better will the people get their jobs back?” a child asks.

“That’s an interesting question. The only way to get out of a recession is to have the people working again. Many companies are laying off workers because they say they aren’t making any money. They have no intention of hiring them back because they realized how much they would save if they had half their employees.”

“What’s the answer?”

“President Bush thinks a tax cut for large companies should do the job.”

“What about Christmas?” someone asks.

“That’s a good point. It could be a good year or a bad year, depending on Sidewinder. The ball is in his court now. It would be nice if the children on the unemployed side of the room could soon be sitting on the other side. But it will happen only after the economy hits bottom. Are there any questions?”

AS IF WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH trouble in the Middle East, the Saudi Arabians are now suing the American tobacco companies to compensate for twenty-five years of their government treating smoking-related illnesses. (No joke.)

Ahmed al-Tuwaijri, lawyer for the King Faisal Hospital, called the suit part of a “holy war” against the tobacco interests, as if the U.S. needed another “holy war” at this time. He called tobacco “The biggest corruption on earth.”

I don’t think Mr. Al-Tuwaijri has been reading the papers lately.

Saudi Arabia is the fourth largest importer of American tobacco in the world, and since treatment in Saudi hospitals is free, the government is making the tobacco companies eat sand.

So now the U.S. has a serious problem on its hands. Does the United States take the side of the American tobacco industry because it brings in so many dollars, or do they prepare for a “Tobacco Jihad?”

It’s a tough choice because the Saudi Arabians have been known to walk a mile for a Camel. Since they can’t drink, the only thing they can do is puff away to their hearts’ content.

No one knows what Saudi Arabians would do if you took away their butts. While the hospital is asking for three billion dollars to pay for people who have smoking illnesses, the tobacco companies say it’s not their fault. They are just making people happy.

The anti-smoking forces in the U.S. who are allied with those in Saudi Arabia have suggested that the entire country become a smoke-free zone, and anyone who lights up should be publicly flogged.

The big fear is that other Middle Eastern countries will follow
suit. Since that area is one of the biggest markets, the tobacco companies must speak softly but carry a big stick. To make sure the playing field is not level, the suit is being pursued in the Grand Islamic court in Riyadh. Phillip Morris is not sure they can find twelve just men.

An American tobacco company representative, who shall remain nameless, said, “If they won’t buy our cigarettes we won’t buy their oil.”

“That should scare them,” I said.

“We have to be able to export our product overseas because there is so much pressure here from American anti-smoking zealots.”

An interesting statistic is that 40 percent of all Saudi men smoke and 10 percent of all Saudi women—though this last figure would be higher if we knew who was smoking under their burkas.

THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE to thank this Christmas. I don’t know where to begin. First, I would like to thank the People’s Sweat Shop of Shanghai for the beautiful American flag glove and scarf set, which makes me feel very patriotic.

To the Taiwan Watch Factory, who made it possible for me to have a knock-off of a Rolex, I send my appreciation. No one could tell the difference and it only cost $19.50. (The one with diamonds cost $29.95.)

And I don’t want to forget the luggage with the Stars and Stripes on it, made in Child Labor Factory Number 4 in the Philippines. It looks exactly like a real Louis Vuitton, and even has a lifetime guarantee.

My gratitude to the government inspectors in Sri Lanka. The tennis shoes with an American flag stenciled on them were a size seven and I’m an eleven. I am sending them back. I thank you for letting me exchange them.

I would also like to thank the woman in Nepal for the cashmere sweaters on which she knitted “God Bless America.” If you bought one you got one free, so my wife now has two.

And, lest we forget it, I’ll always be grateful for the Bavarian cuckoo clock from Korea that plays “My Country ’Tis of Thee” on the hour. Please wish all the prisoners who worked on it in Seoul Prison Number 1348 my best regards.

There are so many people I’d like to thank for making my holiday such a great one.

The toy U.S. Marines from Bombay, India, were a hit with my grandson, and he hasn’t stopped playing with them.

And the female naval flying officer doll was a smash with my granddaughter. Another big hit was a dancing Santa Claus holding an American flag in his hand made by the Hutus in Madagascar. Everyone loves it.

Unfortunately, the Mother Soon Wong fruitcake from Hong Kong arrived smashed, but we’re not blaming Mother Soon Wong. She didn’t know it was being sent through the U.S. Postal Service.

It’s amazing how many individuals can contribute to one’s Christmas. The people who make these products are as happy as those who received them. Did I tell you about the prescription drugs I got from Tijuana, Mexico? My wife wrapped them in a beautiful box that read, “Take 50 percent off tagged price.”

I did get a wrapped bottle of men’s cologne called “America’s Best,” with “Made in the USA” printed on it. I asked the family, “How did this get in here? We better open it in the garage.”

PEOPLE ARE NOW EXPECTED to arrive at the airport at least two hours before takeoff due to security precautions. Once you go through the metal detector, what do you do to kill time?

Here are some suggestions. If you’re married, pick up on the argument you were having at home. It’s also a good time to ask your husband if he shut off the gas jets on the stove. And your husband can wonder if the parakeet will be safe with the neighbors. Or alternately, sit there for two hours without talking to each other.

If you are a person who is traveling with someone who is not your wife, buy her a box of See’s candy. Tell her what a wonderful time she is going to have in Disney World, where nobody will know the two of you.

If you are a divorced woman, tell him your ex was a rat who never took you to Disney World in all the years you were married. Tell him you usually don’t eat candy, but in his case you’ll make an exception. If both of you are unattached, you may hold hands in the terminal. If one is married and the other isn’t, one of you should sit at Gate 40 and the other at Gate 29, pretending you don’t know each other.

When a girl looks as if she is alone and you feel like flirting, ask her if you didn’t meet her in Chicago. If she says no, try
Albuquerque, or Alaska. If she is bored and you look respectable, she will start talking.

If it’s a guy and he is by himself, the girl can say something like, “I noticed your argyle socks when security made you take off your shoes, and they are gorgeous.”

No one is going to be hurt, and you might even find Mr. Right or Ms. Right if you are taking the same flight.

Plane-waiting may also mean being alert and watching everyone in the air terminal to guess whether they are terrorists or not. You may decide one person fits the profile of Osama bin Laden or one of his henchmen. Anyone who looks suspicious should be followed during his time at the gate.

One pleasure of waiting is reading all the magazines at the newsstand your parents won’t let you read at home. For boys it could be
Penthouse
or
Playboy
, and for girls,
Sex and Getting Your Man in a Week
. My favorite is
Cosmopolitan
. It doesn’t pull any punches. It’s the magazine that lets it all hang out.

There is nothing more tantalizing than food at an airport. Caution—don’t drink more than six cups of coffee before taking off. You can eat all the pizza you want, but limit yourself to five Whoppers.

The most dangerous place at the airport is the bar. It’s a question of how much booze you can consume in two hours, particularly if you’re buying a stranger a drink and he is reciprocating beer for beer. Do not discuss politics, football, or even religion.

Warning—the worst thing you can do while waiting is make friends with someone else’s child. Once the kid discovers you’re a patsy, he will drive you crazy. No matter how cute they look, remember, they’re a pain in the neck to somebody.

These are just a few ways to wait in the airport. They were given to me by frequent flyers who know the ropes.

Waiting is now more fun than flying, except if security makes you take off your clothes.

ENRON’S DIFFICULTIES not only gave us a lesson in Economics 101, but they also explained how Washington operates.

Everyone in Enron played his role—from the executives in the company and their accounting firm, to the lawyers who served them so well. But none of them could accomplish what they did without the Washington lobbyists. They are the ones who protect companies from a government that cannot be trusted.

Lobbyists are just like you and me—they put on their golf shoes one foot at a time. But you have to be qualified to be a lobbyist. Many, if not all, are recruited from Congress. They have decided they are fed up with politics and want to make some big money for a change, or have lost an election and are not fit to do anything else.

Lobbyists are very friendly people. They call lawmakers and administration officials by their first names: “Ted,” “Terry,” and “George.” Theirs is the only profession, except for the FBI, that makes house calls.

The job of the lobbyist is to stop a law that will hurt his clients and lobby for a bill that will make everyone rich.

This is an example of how it works. The Hidden Valley Gas and Power Company has ex-Senator Glad Handle on its payroll to lobby for them in Washington. Glad Handle is a Republican, and
he replaced ex-Congressman Taylor Bluewhistle, a Democrat, who was fired after Al Gore lost the election.

Glad moves between the Capitol, the White House, and any agency that can affect Hidden Valley business.

Let’s say Congress wants to pass a law forbidding Hidden Valley from delivering natural gas and smoking cigarettes at the same time.

What Congress doesn’t know is that Hidden Valley owns a cigarette company as well as a gas company. Banning smoking near a gas plant will seriously hurt their tobacco business.

Glad invites Senator Carl Fiddle to Burning Tree Country club. Fiddle is in charge of the Smoking and Energy Committee. He is greeted warmly by Handle, who says, “Remember when we filibustered an equal rights bill together?”

They play eighteen holes and then Glad asks Fiddle, “How’s the election campaign going?”

“We could use $100,000 in soft money to buy sweatshirts for our volunteers.”

Glad takes out his checkbook and says, “Why didn’t you say that before?”

Senator Fiddle replies, “You’re a lobbyist, so we hated to ask you for something. If we take your money what can we do for you?”

“Nothing much. If you want to hold up the Anti-Smoking Gas bill in committee, that would be fun.”

“It’s done.”

“What about getting the oil rights to West Point?” Glad asks.

“I know the person at EPA you should ask for.”

Glad says, “Can I buy you a beer?”

“You know, Glad, that’s against Senate rules.”

THE ARGUMENT STARTED late at night in a bar, where most arguments begin.

Cornblatt said, “I wish to God I didn’t have to go home tonight.”

Rutherford said, “There is no God.”

And suddenly all of us were off and running.

I asked Rutherford if he was an atheist and he denied it. He said, “I don’t believe there is no God, I believe there are too many gods.”

George, the bartender, was happy to serve us all drinks, as it was a slow night.

“And what in God’s name does that mean?” I asked.

Rutherford said, “Everyone in the world seems to have a god, and that’s alright until they want to kill other people who have a different god. Look what’s going on in the Moslem world. They call people in the Western world infidels and are willing to fight a Holy War to satisfy their god.”