Beating Around the Bush (19 page)

The Democrats and the press didn’t think it was such a good idea because hearings conducted by Kissinger would not embarrass the government.

It wasn’t a big loss for Henry. Thanks to all the publicity, he signed up more new clients after he withdrew his name.

This points out how difficult it is to find a few good men who are politically acceptable to serve and who won’t overturn the apple cart by calling President Bush, Vice President Cheney,
Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, and Condoleezza Rice to testify. (See any commission hearings.)

Sometimes the commission will ask to see the documents pertaining to the hearings. The White House will agree, if they can find them, or refuse by pleading executive privilege. (See Vice President Cheney’s energy task force meeting notes.)

The administration takes far more seriously uncovering who has leaked the blooper to the press. Teams of FBI agents are put on the case and not only the leaker, but also all the reporters involved are questioned. The Bush people are still trying to find out who leaked the name of a top secret CIA agent to Robert Novak. There are some people who say the leaker has an office in the White House and did it to embarrass the person who was embarrassing the president. (See Richard Clarke.)

Leaking is a dirty business, but someone has to do it.

There are now so many FBI agents looking for so many leakers that they can’t do their other jobs—like investigate people who are illegally recording movies and music. (See Jack Valenti.)

Members of the Senate and House also set up committees to find out what went wrong, particularly if they can get on television. Republicans and Democrats differ on what questions to ask the witnesses. (See Abu Ghraib prison photo hearings).

So, as each committee and commission is formed, the unemployment rate for people in Washington goes down. Nobody knows how many people will be needed to sit on future panels, but it will probably double because it is an election year.

The big question you are asking is what happens to all the presidential commission reports after they are handed in? (See
The 9/11 Commission Report
.)

Most of them will be marked “Top Secret” and shredded—or placed in an unmarked grave at Camp David.

IT WAS A FUNNY HEADLINE: “Drug Companies Seek to Mend Their Image.” The question was, what image?

Apparently the pharmaceutical companies decided that the customer was beginning to think they were only interested in raising prices, making barrels of money, and producing very expensive TV commercials.

The top manufacturers met to figure out a way to bring back the good will they used to have in days of yore.

Malaprop, President of Outrageous Profit Pharmaceuticals, said, “The people are starting to believe we are too greedy and are only interested in the bottom line.”

“Well put,” said Dormer, of Drugs-R-Us. “We have to change our image. Our polls show people think we are responsible for many people dying because they can’t afford our drugs.”

Shortstop, the lobbyist for Hysdranstan Drugs, said, “If we don’t change our image, Congress will listen to the people who elected them instead of to us.”

“Even if we give them more money for their political campaigns?”

“Yes,” said Shortstop. “The people who are causing us the most trouble are members of the media. Yet without our full-page ads and TV commercials they are out of business.”

Gladstern, marketing head for Rough Pharmaceuticals, said, “We have our people visiting doctor’s offices with samples of our products and offering them cruises to Bermuda and family weekends at Disney World if they prescribe our drugs. Why can’t we send our representatives into newspaper offices and TV stations to offer free samples of our erectile dysfunction pills?”

Shortstop said, “It would be worth a try. A lot of newspaper men are suffering from it.”

“We should tell the public that our stockholders are widows and orphans.”

“And they are people who depend on our company dividends for their pensions.”

Dormer said, “The reason we have such a bad image is that people know it is much cheaper to buy our drugs in Canada.”

Shortstop said, “Our lobbyists are working on that right now. There is a bill pending in congress that has the president’s support which forbids imports of pharmaceuticals from other countries and generic drugs. We think it is a slam dunk.”

Malaprop said, “The ones who always complain about prices are senior citizens.”

Gladstern agreed. “They complain about everything. Even my mother called me a serial pill gouger the other day.”

“Don’t senior citizens understand how capitalism works?” Shortstop asked.

“We have to make it much clearer. I suggest a commercial showing white rats playing in their cages. A man in a white jacket says, ‘Each rat costs us two dollars, but we don’t mind spending the money if it will help our research find a new pill to cure athlete’s foot.’”

“It should fly,” said Dormer. “We could also do another TV ad. It would show an elderly couple with white hair surfing in Hawaii. As they come out of the water holding a surfboard the husband says, ‘Thanks to Whizbottom I feel like a new man.’ His wife winks and says, ‘He is a new man. Jerry has found the perfect pill for the perfect wave.’ Then a voiceover will say, ‘Warning, Whizbottom may cause nausea, high blood pressure, tingling in your feet, shortness of breath, dizziness, and should
not be taken when driving a bulldozer.’ Then the couple dives back into the ocean.”

Malaprop said, “If we are really sincere we can win back the hearts and minds of our customers. But we have to double our public relations budget.”

Shortstop asked, “Can we afford it?”

“Malaprop replied, “We can if we double the price of our drugs.”

NOVEMBER’S ELECTION will not be decided by the people who attended the conventions. It will be decided by the couch potatoes who stayed at home.

I have to admit that I am a couch potato. I watched the Democratic Convention last week with six friends at the Lucas house. Nadia Lucas had laid out guacamole, cheese dip, tacos, and popcorn, which all couch potatoes consider comfort food.

“Quiet everyone. Did you hear what I heard?”

“What?”

“Theresa Kerry told a newspaper writer to ‘Shove it.’”

“She is going to get my vote.”

“You didn’t say anything when Dick Cheney said to Senator Leahy, ‘Go f—yourself.’”

“He is a man and he is entitled to say anything he wants. A woman must be more ladylike if she hopes to be the First Lady.”

“I still say she has won the ‘Shove it’ vote, particularly amongst women who believe they are not getting a fair break.”

People started digging into the guacamole.

“Boy, all the speeches are downbeat about what is going on in this country. They keep saying the rich get all the cake and the poor just get the crumbs.”

“The speakers have to say something to get a standing ovation. They want the delegates to wave their signs and clap their hands and shout ‘Kerry!’”

The Republicans will do the same thing. You can’t have a convention without standing ovations.”

“I wish everybody wouldn’t say that we are worse off today than we were four years ago. I sell handbags and the speakers are not helping my business.”

“Every speaker brings up Kerry’s war record.”

“Why not? Bush has none.”

“That’s dirty pool. The president didn’t fly in the war but he landed on a carrier after we won in Iraq.”

“I don’t think the Democrats should keep pointing to the fact that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We went there to wipe out Saddam Hussein and we did a good job.”

“It seems to me that they are hitting the ‘job’ problem too hard. Every time a speaker says the unemployment rate is at its highest, the applause is thunderous.”

“They are not cheering the unemployment rate—they are cheering the people who are responsible for it.”

The cheese dish was getting low.

“The Kerry girls are very pretty.”

“You don’t vote for a president because he has pretty daughters. Bush’s daughters are beautiful, too.”

“Anyone seen a poll on whose daughters are more beautiful?”

“Clinton is a rock star.”

“So is Bono.”

“Michael Moore and Bill O’Reilly went mano a mano the other night on Fox. It was the best show of the night because they weren’t kidding. I would give it to Moore on points.”

And so it went. The couch potatoes for the most part are still in the “don’t know” column. They say they’re waiting to see if Laura Bush will tell someone at her convention to “Shove it.”

EVERY SUMMER there is a story that blows my mind. This summer the big news is that my friend Mike Wallace was arrested in New York and was handcuffed and taken to the slammer.

Let’s get the facts straight. Mike drove to a take-out restaurant on Third Avenue for meat loaf. The traffic police said his driver was double-parked. (Mike does not drive in New York because he can never find a place to park without paying $20 an hour.)

Mike, who was hungry, went into the take-out. When he came out he saw that the traffic police were saying unkind things to his driver. Mike intervened and was told to get back in his limo. When he refused, Mike exchanged unkind words with the police. They say he lunged at them. Mike says he has never lunged at anyone in his life, including Barbra Streisand.

The next thing you know he was handcuffed and taken to the station house. The press went crazy, and as far as I can tell, they are still in a shark frenzy.

Mike has given his side of the story to every newscaster on the air.

Now those are the facts.

I have known Mike Wallace for years, and although he cheats at tennis, I have never known him to double-park in New York. The only time he committed “disorderly conduct” was when he tried a junk shot on the court.

Why the public’s interest? Mike is an American icon. He has interviewed China’s leaders, Saudi Arabian sheiks and exposed healthcare scams in Florida. Every Sunday millions of people sit in their living rooms waiting for their
60 Minutes
fix.

Mike speaks for the little people. If someone is in jail, Mike tries to get him out, and if a crook is not in jail, he tries to send him there.

So the reason there was such a stir when Mike got arrested was because he was handcuffed. People who have double-parked were on his side. Those who admire him for his looks considered him a role model. Those who love take-out food said they would do the same thing.

I know Mike Wallace from Martha’s Vineyard. I have been in his home, played gin rummy with him, and eaten lobster with him.

But he did break the law.

The question everyone must answer is one of loyalty. Do you stand with the person who double-parked and says he will never do it again—or do you let the wheels of justice turn?

I have chosen to stand by Mike. If he needs it I will even start a “Free Mike Wallace” fund. I am planning a parade down Third Avenue if I can get a permit and a parking place.

Mike is now back on the Vineyard, awaiting his trial in October. They didn’t make him put up any bail or give up his passport. (Brazil is the only country that does not consider double-parking an extraditable offense.) CBS guaranteed he would not skip the country.

Now you know the whole story. Some good things came out of it. Mayor Bloomberg declared meat loaf the official New York comfort food. Mike now wears a sweatshirt that says, “Doubleparkers
Need Love Too,” and he has been nominated for the “Parking Hall of Fame.”

HERE’S THE LATEST NEWS about Saddam. He’s in jail being given three healthy meals a day, is allowed to garden, read books, and write poetry.

This is the verse I think he would write. It is called Husseinku.