Beating Around the Bush (21 page)

The questions they had to answer were:

What kind of officer was George Bush in the Air National Guard?

Did he really lean on his father’s contacts to stay out of Vietnam?

Did John Kerry ever forge any papers to get his medals?

As commander-in-chief can Bush order Dan Rather to go to Iraq?

How will this affect CBS’s
Survivor
ratings?

What if Kitty Kelley was wrong about George Bush snorting cocaine at Camp David?

What is the connection between Dan Rather, Kitty Kelley, and Martha Stewart?

As you can see,
60 Minutes II
opened up a whole can of beans, or as we say in Texas, the whole enchilada. At the beginning, I was on Dan’s side—then I switched to Kinko’s.

Every time there is a new charge concerning George’s service in the Guard, the Pentagon “finds” a new piece of paper in its files showing Bush was one heckuva flyer. The last was a letter from George the First to Dubya’s commanding officer thanking him for writing to tell him what an outstanding pilot his son was.

How will all this affect the elections? Nobody knows. I am not going to vote based on whether Dan Rather got suckered by someone who didn’t like George Bush. I know it will not be an issue because nobody cares where the next president of the United States served.

But if he wins, don’t expect George Bush to invite Dan Rather for dinner.

THE FCC HAS FINALLY put a price on a woman’s breast. It is $550,000.

What happened, as EVERYBODY knows, was that Janet Jackson showed one of her breasts at half time during the Super Bowl. Eight hundred million people (including China) were horrified. No one had ever seen a woman’s breast before, except in
National Geographic
magazine.

The reaction was tremendous. Mothers blindfolded their children; husbands turned off their TV sets and never saw the second half of the game.

How could a major network allow the full display of a body part, including a nipple, for all the public to see? More indignant calls came into the network than when Bush decided to invade Iraq. The FCC had no choice but to deal with it.

The problem was, no one at the agency had ever seen a bare breast before. This was cold flesh.

The meeting to fine CBS was held in FCC headquarters. There was a large screen TV at one end of the room. The commissioners were nervous.

“Do we have to see it?” one of them asked.

“Yes,” the chairman replied. “It is our duty to protect every man, woman, and child in America.”

“We didn’t get any calls from men,” a commissioner pointed out.

“It doesn’t matter. A breast is still a breast. Roll ’em.”

Janet Jackson came on the screen during halftime festivities, and suddenly, while she sang with Justin Timberlake, her shoulder strap snapped. It was only a few seconds, but it seemed like a lifetime.

“Play it again,” a commissioner said. “This time close in on her.”

It was obvious to everyone in the room that there was something wrong with the dress.

“We should fine the costume designer,” someone said.

They played the smoking gun ten more times.

Then a commissioner said, “I am not saying it is so, but suppose it was no accident?”

The room was silent. “Why would any pop singer show her breast in public?”

“To sell her records and be talked about on every radio show in America.”

“If this is true then CBS allowed it to happen.”

“And should be fined so they never do it again.”

A commissioner said, “It will prove to the world we are a moral nation.”

“What we are saying if you allow one of your stars to rip her dress off is that you are going to have to pay the piper.”

“But how much should we fine the network?”

“Five hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”

“That is very harsh.”

“It sends a message to any entertainer that the people who watch the
Super Bowl
are very fragile, and we, the FCC, took an oath to protect them.”

“Play it again to make sure we are not making a mistake.”

The meeting was adjourned. Where are Janet and CBS now? Janet Jackson is more in demand than ever before, and gives concerts when she isn’t attending her brother Michael’s trial.

CBS is now dealing with the Dan Rather brouhaha, and has proven Janet’s breasts are her own and not forgeries.

THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION. There is a shortage of flu vaccine and you only have enough for one person. You have to decide between a congressman and your mother. Who gets the shot?

The answer, of course, is your congressman. The reason is, you can’t do without your legislator, but you always can get another mother.

I know it is only a hypothetical question and it would never happen in America. On the other hand, the Capitol’s attending physician recommended all 535 lawmakers and members of their staffs get a shot.

While as a senior citizen you might have to stand in line for hours at a Wal-Mart, all you have to do on the Hill is show your ID card—and “zap” or “prick.”

When questions arose, it was explained that politicians have to shake more hands than any other group of people, and are more likely to catch the bug than forest rangers or fly fishermen. Thus, they would get sick and not pass the laws the country so desperately needs.

There are guidelines put out by the CDC which specifically say that the vaccine should go to babies under two years and people over sixty-five, as well as those in high risk groups.

Now the “high risk” category is the one that congress is banking on to defend why they should get the shots. Many people consider their lawmakers at high risk, particularly when it comes to adding so much pork to their bills.

Don’t believe that your government is not facing up to the problem. They are suggesting you wash your hands as often as
you can—and shake as few hands as possible. We keep seeing the candidates out there shaking hands with the masses, but we don’t see their handlers off-camera with a bucket of soap and water so they can wash hands after each stop.

It is no secret that some people are steamed up about Congress jumping the line—or having no line at all.

One congressman said, “To refuse a flu shot when offered to you is the same thing as not taking a tax cut that your government wants to give you. Don’t think it was easy for me to decide to get a shot. But then I had to think of my constituents. If I didn’t get the vaccine and got sick, I couldn’t look after their interests.”

What makes the playing field uneven is that only incumbents can get a flu shot. This puts their opponents at a disadvantage.

It has become a major political issue. The incumbent is asking, “Do you want someone to represent you who is safe from disease, or someone who could wind up in the hospital at any time?”

The vaccine shortage did not hit people hard until they read about Congress being given all it wanted. Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, a doctor himself, told everyone on the Hill he thought it was a good idea to be vaccinated.

President Bush did not take his shot, but he was “working hard, very hard” on the problem. Finding flu vaccine when there is a shortage is “hard.”

But Bush has a plan. He says we should stay the course and buy as much vaccine as we can from Canada.

What advice do I have for you, dear reader? Wash your hands.

BASKETBALL HAS ALWAYS BEEN a contact sport, with two teams in the heat of battle going against each other. Recently, as you have probably seen on television, the players went into the stand and started slugging the fans.

The Indiana Pacers won a close one, knocking down three Detroit Piston fans in the second row.

Fighting is part of the sport and the owners of basketball teams are constantly looking for players who are good with their hands—not necessarily with a ball.

Harvey Charger, one of the best sports agents in the business, called the owner of the Rustics and said, “Matty, I think I have a center for you. He is the best player in the league and he has just become a free agent.”

Matty says, “I can use a good center. When can he start playing?”

“Next year.”

“Next year?”

“He has been suspended this season for hitting a fan with a chair.”

“If I sign him up how much do you want for him?”

“One million dollars, plus a $500,000 bonus.”

“What is the bonus for?”

“Lawyers fees in case he is indicted for aggravated assault.”

“How can I be sure he won’t go into the stands again?”

“I give you my word. He will only hit a fan if he is provoked.”

“Okay, I am willing to take a chance.”

Harvey next called the owner of a National Football League team.

“Mike,” he said, “the draft is coming up and I have an outstanding college football player for you.”

“Who is he?”

“He is the Clemson guy in the middle of the pack who was swinging at a lineman from the University of South Carolina and hit a referee by mistake. It was on all the news shows. He will be the first draft choice, but if you are willing to deal I’ll get him for you in exchange for the three linemen on your team who got thrown out of the Dallas game last week.”

“Let me look at the films of the Clemson game again.”

“Don’t take too long. Everyone in the league wants him.”

Mike said, “Okay, I could use a player that hits another player when the officials aren’t looking.”

Harvey hung up and yelled to his secretary, “Did you get me the manager of the Washington Nationals?”

“He’s on line one.”

Harvey picked up the phone and said, “Mr. Rebock, congratulations on coming to Washington. I know you are putting together your team and are looking for outstanding players. I have a shortstop who can hit right and left handed.”

“I already have a shortstop.”

“Not one who will attack the pitcher if he almost throws a ball at his head. The beauty of Morales is he doesn’t speak any English so he doesn’t know that in baseball you are not supposed to hit another player.”

“Why don’t you sell him to George Steinbrenner?”

“He is too cheap when it comes to salaries.”

“I want to make sure the rest of my players come off the bench to join him if he gets into a fight.”

Harvey said, “Gotcha.”

He hangs up and talks to his partner.

“Do golfers fight much?”

“They would if there was enough money in it.”

OF ALL THE WORDS that Colin Powell will be remembered for during his tenure as Secretary of State, the most memorable were the ones he said when President Bush told him he was going to invade Iraq. Powell said, “You break it, you own it.”

The other day I went to the Crate and Baghdad store in Pentagon City. There was broken china and glass everywhere. The manager was sweeping it up.

“What happened?”

“A shopper came into the store, dropped one vase, then another, and kept on breaking everything in the shop.”

“How much damage did he do?” I asked.

“One hundred and fifty billions dollars’ worth, but the customer said he was going to come back for more.”

“It looks like he did a lot of damage.”

“The funny part is when he first came he said he wasn’t going to break anything. He seemed like a good customer, so we showed him everything we had on display. But as soon as he bought something he dropped it. I told him it is our policy that if you break it you have to pay for it.”

“Why do you think he keeps dropping things?”

“He can’t hold anything in his hands. Instead of walking out of the store with a lot of expensive things, he leaves them in pieces on the floor.”

“Does he come in alone?”

“No, he comes in with an entourage, and what he doesn’t break, they do.”

“You must be nervous when they come into the store.”

“Not really, as long as they pay for everything.”

“Then you don’t care what they do?”

“It is good for business. We are having a sale right now—if you break one, you can break another one for free.”

“That’s a good pitch. When will the sale be over?”

“God only knows.”

“Can you order on the Internet?”

“No,” he said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“You can’t break things from a computer.”

The manager kept sweeping up the floor. He said, “Crate and Baghdad is the closest store to the Pentagon, and we stay open twenty-four hours a day. We have valet parking for generals, and a reserved spot for the secretary of defense, who is our best customer.”

“Tell me about some of the things they have broken.”

“China, glass chandeliers, mirrors, antiques, and they even have cut up Persian rugs.”

“What do you keep on the back lot?”

“Hummers, tanks, armored trucks and Boeing airplanes.”

“They can’t be broken.”

“Yes. When someone comes into our shop we take them to the back lot. Once we get them in the shop we can sell them anything their hearts desire.”

“Are you thinking of expanding?”

“We have to. The more they buy the more they break.”

“Do they pay cash?”

“No, they buy everything on credit.”

“Who eventually pays for all the broken stuff?”

He smiled, “You do.”

LIKE ALL AMERICANS, I worship the U.S. dollar. I always believed it was the single thing that separated us from the rest of the world.

With the dollar you could travel anywhere and merchants would be happy to relieve you of it. Currencies in the rest of the world would fluctuate, but the mighty dollar stood firm.