Beating Around the Bush (25 page)

“Have you told Alan Greenspan about this?”

“All he cares about is raising the interest rate.”

“How do you feel about the closings of bases in other states?”

“I don’t care about them. If we are going save money I prefer the other states take the hit.”

I told Congressman Livid, “This is the first time I’ve seen you so livid.”

“How can I go home and face the people who thought I would protect them?”

“It won’t be easy,” I admitted. “But what Rummy says and what he does are two different things. The pressure is going to be on him.”

“If the plan goes through, and the people at the base protest in the streets, it will be safer to go to Iraq than Happy Mountain. I have just begun to fight. And so has everyone in congress. Our slogan is, ‘Don’t Close Our Bases—Close Theirs.’”

“That’s a good banner to hang on Main Street,” I said.

“That, and, ‘War Is Hell, but It Still Buys Your Groceries.’”

HERO OR TRAITOR? That is what people are calling “Deep Throat” (a.k.a. Mark Felt).

People are choosing up sides, as they usually do, when an important news event takes place.

The ones who always believed Watergate was a nasty piece of work consider him a hero.

He put his career and his life on the line to save the country from Richard Nixon. At the time, he was the most important whistleblower in the government.

For over thirty years no one knew who he was. Of course he is
a hero to Woodward and Bernstein because he made them famous and rich and a credit to their profession.

Mr. Felt is admired in circles that believe in the Constitution and hate presidents who cover up crimes for the sake of politics.

I must admit I am one of Felt’s hero worshippers.

I always suspected when Nixon said, “I am not a crook,” that he was one, and when he started talking to the paintings on the White House walls, that he was going around the bend.

I believed everything Woodward and Bernstein wrote and I trusted them.

Not everyone in America believed Deep Throat was a hero. When the story of his identity broke, the television news producers yelled, “Get me anyone who was involved with Watergate and is mad at Mark Felt.”

I watched a stream of people who worked for Nixon parade across the TV screen. Most of them had been in jail, so it was not surprising they would not be kind to one of the people who had put them there.

Pat Buchanan was bitter (when is he not?) and called Mr. Felt a “snake.” He then charged that Felt was responsible for thousands of deaths in Vietnam because of causing anti-war demonstrations.

You figure that one out. I couldn’t.

John Dean III said the information Deep Throat supplied was only 50 percent correct. He claimed there would be egg on “Throat’s” face when all the facts come out.

Charles Colson said Felt was wreaking revenge on Nixon because he was not made the head of the FBI.

Gordon Liddy, who has his own radio show, had nothing good to say about Felt. He said the only reason for revealing his identity now was to make money on a book.

By the way, Felt did not leak information to the reporters. He just confirmed things they already knew.

Several of those of the “traitor” persuasion had mixed feelings about it. They, like Al Haig, didn’t approve of what Felt did, but were relieved they no longer had to prove it wasn’t them.

Some of the major players that Deep Throat confirmed to Woodward and Bernstein keep showing up on the TV screen.

Nixon and John Mitchell are now in that Watergate in the sky. Others, like Bob Haldeman, Jeb Magruder, and Howard Hunt are still around, but have lost faith in the FBI.

The story won’t die. For years people will ask each other, “Where were you the night Deep Throat was in a garage?”

The only ones who can truthfully say are Woodward and Bernstein.

MILTON SAID, “Why does everyone write about how much the world hates America, and no one writes about why Americans hate each other?”

“I was thinking about it,” I said. “Why do you think they do?”

“I can’t blame it ALL on President Bush, but the hate factor in the country was raised to a new high when he said it was politically correct to do it.”

“How so?”

“Hating fellow Americans didn’t become serious until Bush decided to invade Iraq. Then both sides came out of the closet. The conservatives said war was a dandy idea, and the liberals said it was
a lousy one. When it was discovered that there were no weapons of mass destruction, which was the reason for going to war, the liberals attacked the president. The conservatives called the anti-war people ‘traitors.’”

“That was strong language,” I told Milton.

“Adding gasoline to the fire were the ‘elite’ media (the
L.A. Times
,
Washington Post
, and the
New York Times
) who editorialized that we got into a lousy war and didn’t know how to get out.”

Milton continued, “Commentators like Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh told Americans to hate the liberals. It was a sure fire way of getting ratings.”

“I hate O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh,” I said, “because they hate me.”

Milton said, “But what is really tearing the country apart is God. Every group insists they know what God wants for America. People are fighting over the Pledge of Allegiance in the schools, the Ten Commandments on government property, and whether Americans came from Adam and Eve or from monkeys.”

“I thought we settled that years ago,” I said.

“So did most Americans, but the theories kept popping up,” Milton told me. “Things really got ugly when the religious right said if you don’t believe in Jesus then you are going to hell.

“Evangelicals are now going all over the country asking—no demanding—that everyone be born again. The worst example is the Air Force Academy, where the cadets are asked to pledge their lives to Jesus. No one knows what blue skies they will fly into once they graduate.

“Everything has a religious background. The Right to Life people are against stem cell research, abortions, and condoms. They are for guns, the Second Amendment, and the National Rifle Association.

“One of the major issues is same-sex marriage. The Right opposes it and the Left, who could not care less, says, ‘Get off my back.’”

I said, “Isn’t it now true that members of Congress really hate each other?”

“It is worse than ever. There used to be civility in both houses. They once threw buns at each other, now they throw rocks.”

“I guess they can’t pick a judge now without getting mad,” I said.

“Are all these issues political?”

“No,” Milton replied. “They are personal. Americans are not born to hate—it is taught to them at an early age—and once you learn it you will never let it go.”

“Tell me this. Do the French hate Americans as much as we hate each other?”

“It’s a close call, but we are catching up to them. I could go on and on listing the causes as to why there is so much animosity among Americans, but it won’t do anyone much good.

“All I know is, I am right and they are wrong—and I am certain they will go to hell before I do.”

NO ONE LIKES to have his or her home taken away for no good reason. But you can’t stop progress. And if the city or town wants to seize and tear down property under “eminent domain,” the Supreme Court, by a 5-to-4 vote, has given them permission.

One of the first places to have been affected was Happy Valley, a community whose houses date back to the Revolutionary War.
Happy Valley overlooks the Chipchop Lake, only 40 miles from New York City.

The residents are as happy as any can be these days, considering the price of gasoline, the war, and a recent high school drug problem, which is now under control.

The day after the Supreme Court ruling, the three Happy Valley supervisors and noted developer Simon Legree, arrived at the Fenstress property. The house was built soon after the revolution, and has been lived in by members of the family ever since.

Legree took his out his digital camera and said, “It will be perfect. The shopping mall will be over there by the magnolias, the condos where those trees are now, and a business tower will be here, when we bulldoze the house.

Fenstress came out of his house and asked the group, “What’s up?”

Legree said, “Nothing that concerns you. These supervisors want to make this place a decent one for everyone. If it means taking your property away, that is the way the cookie crumbles.”

“You can’t do that,” Fenstress said. “It is my house and I have no intention of selling it.”

“You apparently have never heard of ‘eminent domain,’” a supervisor said. “We are not going to seize your land, we are going to
improve
it.”

He continued, “Mr. Legree is one of the greatest developers on the East Coast. Whenever he sees a farmhouse he thinks ‘Wal-Mart.’”

Fenstress said, “I’ll sue.”

The case has already been decided,” Legree snorted. “The Supreme Court has ruled that you can’t stop the building of a Holiday Inn just to keep your house.”

“The Constitution says a man’s home is his castle,” Fentress said.

“Not anymore,” said Legree. “A man’s home is whatever the developer wants it to be.”

A supervisor said, “We are not talking about land—we are talking about taxes. One Dunkin’ Donuts is worth more in taxes than you will make in a lifetime.”

Fenstress was furious. “How can you do this to me?” he yelled.

Another supervisor said, “We are not doing it just to you. We are doing it to everybody in the neighborhood. Legree wants protection in case he has to expand.”

“Let me ask a question,” Fenstress said to the supervisor. “How much money is Legree contributing to your election campaign?”

“I resent that. We don’t condemn property for political reasons. That would be unethical.”

Another supervisor said, “If we thought Legree would benefit financially from tearing your house down we would not rule in his favor.”

Legree told Fenstress. “You are lucky your house is going to be taken and you will get a fair price for it.”

Fentress replied, “But where am I going to live?”

A supervisor said, “Ask the Supreme Court.”

I DON’T SUE EVERYBODY, but I like to know I can if I want to. This came to mind when I read that in the Senate’s final days, just before it went on vacation, it passed a bill that says I cannot not sue gun manufacturers or dealers if I am the victim of a crime.

I called up Hammer, a lawyer with Hammer, Hammer, Hammer, & Thumb, and asked him for guidance on a story.

“If a company sold a pacemaker that didn’t work, could I sue them?”

“Of course. No one wants to walk around with a faulty heart.”

I asked, “Asbestos—as in roof shingles and ceilings—sue or not sue?”

“Sue. A jury will be on your side.”

“You find a ball bearing in a can of chicken soup.”

Hammer said, “It’s been known to happen, and the soup company has to take the fall.”

Suppose a crooked executive of a communications company defrauds billions and billions and I lose my life savings. Can I sue him?”

“Of course you can, and we would take your case. Suing people is what lawyers are for. We have one class action suit now against a chemical company that is running arsenic in the Hudson River. Launch a suit, and they will settle out of court for millions.”

“What about this one? I am in an automobile crash because the brakes on my car don’t work. The automobile maker never told anyone they didn’t work, but there are e-mails indicating the company was aware the brakes were faulty and could lead to death.”

“You can sue them for every golden parachute that the designer of the brake will get after he is fired.”

I said, “I love America, because if somebody does you wrong, you can do them wrong.”

“Not so fast big boy. There are things in this country that are so holy you can’t sue—even if the product is responsible for putting you in the hospital or making your wife a widow.”

“What is that?”

“You can’t sue a manufacturer or a dealer in guns if you get shot.”

“Why not?” I asked Hammer.

“The Senate passed a bill just before going on vacation that
says you can’t sue anyone in the gun business because it is sacred. What it means is, if for example, someone goes to a gun show and buys a weapon to commit a crime, you can’t sue the maker or dealer. It is not their fault.”

“Why did the Senate pass such a bill?”

“Stupid question. They were doing it to protect the Second Amendment and to support the National Rifle Association out of fear of losing money.”

“How do you feel about it?” I asked

“I’m a lawyer. They are taking business away from me. At the same time, I believe that the Senate is looking out for my best interests. If we allow lawsuits against gun manufacturers the courts will fill up, and then you will have to wait a long time to sue for the things the senators say you
can
sue for, such as sex abuse in the workplace.”

Therefore, when it comes to guns, their manufacturers had a great victory. The Senate’s bill says you can’t sue gun makers and dealers for the misuse of a firearm during the commission of a crime. If someone goes to a gun show and then uses the purchased gun to commit a crime, you can’t sue the maker and dealer who did no more than provide the weapon of choice.

The senators passed this bill to protect the U.S. gun manufacturers and to keep the NRA happy.

WHEN THE VIETNAM WAR was going on, a man stood in front of Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara’s window at the Pentagon
and set himself on fire to protest the war.