Beating Around the Bush (20 page)

In addition to his poetry, Saddam also writes books. He lives a good life—and that is why we invaded Iraq.

AT THEIR CONVENTION, the Republicans’ main theme was “Compassionate Conservatism.” The party wanted the world to know they care for the poor, children, the environment, and the war in Iraq.

How did they achieve their goal?

I talked to doctor Heinrich Applebaum, the party’s medical advisor. I said, “We all know the Republican platform was much farther to the right than the speakers. What was their secret?”

“I gave them Compassionate Conservative pills,” he said. “Just before they went up on the stage they took two pills with a glass of water. If they felt the effects were wearing off, they took two more while they were speaking.”

“After taking the pills could they drive or use heavy equipment?”

“I warned them it was not such a good idea.”

“The people at the convention didn’t mind the compassion?”

“No. Even the right wing cheered the early speakers because they knew the last two nights they would get red meat,” he said.

“By the way, what is a Compassionate Conservative?”

“It is someone who believes he wants to help the working poor, the uneducated, and the unemployed—not with money, but with prayers and tax cuts.”

“Amen,” I said.

“This is the opposite of the liberal who is the enemy of the state and wants the government to bail out the country. The liberal is against drilling for oil in Alaska, cutting down trees in Oregon and limiting the number of snowmobiles in Yellowstone National Park.”

“What about Dick Cheney?”

“He refused to take any. He said the pills made him nauseous. He told us beforehand he was not going to play the role of the good guy. The vice president doesn’t have to be a Compassionate Conservative. He has to say things with no compassion at all.”

“He made his point in his speech to the choir,” I agreed. “I noticed he didn’t defend his role in Halliburton.”

“He felt the convention wasn’t the right place to do it and the press would have another excuse to make a big deal over it.”

What about Senator Zell Miller, the Democrat from Georgia who gave the Republican keynote speech?”

“Because it was such an extreme switch, the pills didn’t work. We had a cardiologist give him a heart transplant. Since he gave the keynote speech for Clinton in 1992, he needed a new heart.”

“You did a marvelous job,” I told him. “He sounded more like
a Republican than Dick Cheney. He said he didn’t leave the Democratic Party—it left him. Did you give Arnold Schwarzenegger a heart transplant?”

“Yes. His was one of the most successful Compassionate Conservative heart operations we have had.”

“Whose heart did you give him?”

Applebaum replied, “If you promise not to tell anyone, we gave him Teddy Kennedy’s.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Figure it out. Arnold is married to Maria Shriver, a member of the Kennedy family.”

“But Teddy is a liberal. What is his heart doing in a Republican’s body?”

“Arnold does not agree with everything in the Republican Party, but his heart still belongs to Bush.”

“But when he spoke he sounded like a liberal. How could he agree to the transplant?”

“Maria told him, ‘You owe it to our family.’”

I KNOW YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS, but in spite of what Bush said, I met a child who was left behind. He was sitting on the curb, crying.

“What are you crying about?”

“I was left behind.”

“Where are your parents?”

“My mother is in a rehab home and I don’t know who my father is. I can’t read or write and everyone makes fun of me.”

“That shouldn’t be. The president said he didn’t want to leave one child behind.”

“What is a president?”

“He is not God, but he thinks he is. He claims to produce miracles and he loves all his children.”

“I never saw him.”

“He is there. You are very important to his educational program, and if anyone finds that you are left behind it could hurt him in the November election. Why do you think you were left behind?”

“The teacher didn’t like me.”

“I am sure you made that up.”

“I didn’t have nice clothes and everyone else said I was a troublemaker. The teacher said if I didn’t keep quiet she would leave me behind.”

“That must have frightened you.”

“Not really. She has left behind hundreds, maybe thousands.”

“Well, you are the only one I know sitting on the curb crying.”

“The others are hanging out at the street corner or stealing hub caps and anything else they can get their hands on.”

“Wait until the president finds out. He will turn Homeland Security on them. Has anyone told you that you were left behind?”

“No one talks to me so how would I know?”

“Well, you must have felt it or you wouldn’t be crying.”

“What does it all mean?”

“It all started when the Children’s Defense Fund used ‘Leave No Child Behind’ as its slogan. Then President Bush stole the idea and used ‘No Child Left Behind’ as his slogan. Now he says he will see that no one is left behind, even though he knows it is not the truth.”

The child looked at me blankly.

I continued, “It is all political. The president wants everyone to think he cares about them. Then they will vote for him.”

“If he really cared about me he would buy me basketball sneakers.”

“He can’t afford that. He has a war to fight.”

The boy started crying again.

I said, “If I bought you sneakers would you stop crying and go back to school?”

“Uh-huh—the ones like Michael Jordan wears.”

“Maybe, but you have to promise to go back to school and study.”

“How can I study if I can’t read or write?”

“You are going to have to learn. Otherwise you will be left behind again and you will eventually wind up snatching purses from ladies as they are walking down the street.”

“They will never catch me if I have Michael Jordan’s sneakers.”

“No sneakers no school.”

“Why are you talking to me?”

“You are the only child I have met who has been left behind. You are a good human interest story.”

He thought about this. “Will you buy me a Big Mac?”

“For a kid you drive a hard bargain. I will, but I’m not doing it for you—I’m doing it for President Bush.”

ONE OF THE BIGGEST standing ovations at the recent Republican convention occurred when the speaker attacked trial
lawyers because they are driving up the cost of healthcare with their malpractice lawsuits.

It was a dangerous move because there is now a lawyer in every household and I have one in my family. She was watching the convention with me on television in the living room.

She said, “What do they know about malpractice? They are not telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help them God.”

“But it is good politics,” I said.

“I had a case where a surgeon removed the wrong breast from a patient. Another doctor had to remove the correct breast. If anyone ever needed a trial lawyer she did.”

I was appalled.

She said, “It wasn’t just a question of money. My client wanted to put the doctor out of business so he would never operate again.”

She continued, “Now here is the rotten part of it. The insurance company representing the doctor also had a trial lawyer. He tried to blacken her name to the jury and prove my client was responsible for what happened.

“So trial lawyers are not only hired to bring malpractice suits, they are also signed up as defense lawyers by doctors and drug companies. The lobbyists in Washington want Congress to put a cap on the amount of money awarded in suits that would punish doctors and drug companies.”

“I have never met a lobbyist who didn’t get what he wanted,” I said.

She continued, “Trial lawyers don’t just do malpractice cases. They also defend people accused of white-collar crimes. I bet there are a lot of them in the hall right now.”

“How do you know?”

“They are the ones sitting on their hands when everyone else is on their feet cheering the attacks on lawyers.”

“I can see why they could be upset.”

“The law is the trial lawyers’ bread and butter. They will not only defend Republicans, but Democrats as well if the fee is right,” she said. “And in class action suits they will charge whatever the traffic will bear.”

“Is the reason the Republicans don’t like John Edwards because he made so much money as a trial lawyer?”

“They say that, but the truth is, when anyone gets in trouble the first person they call is a lawyer. I only wish I had the legal fees of Martha Stewart, Ken Lay, Kobe Bryant and any bank accused of getting in trouble with the government.”

“Are government lawyers also members of the trial lawyer profession?”

“Yes, if they are any good. And when they leave the government they represent the side they prosecuted.”

She asked, “Did you know that if trial lawyers were forbidden to practice there would be no courtroom television shows?”

“Do people who are booing trial lawyers also hate people who serve on juries?”

“They do if the jurors award the plaintiffs more than $500,000, or whatever the cap would be. The country needs doctors, preferably those who don’t make mistakes. But it also needs lawyers in case they do.”

“Then this demonstration does not bother you?”

“Not as long as Congress is made up of lawyers.”

WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED that, come January, the democratic people of Iraq are going to have elections. This is the first election in their history and they don’t know how to hold one.

A representative from “Shrek,” one of the Iraqi political parties, came to Washington to learn some pointers from the American elections.

He met with an American election expert in Washington who told him, “The first thing your candidate has to do is learn to lie.”

“Iraqis never lie,”

“You are going to have to learn. We would never hold an election if American candidates didn’t lie. Now the wonderful thing about American politics is if you keep repeating the lie often enough you will start believing it yourself. And if the voters feel that you believe it they will believe it.”

“I am taking notes.”

“You have to hit below the belt.”

“Moslems don’t have belts.”

“Never mind. Say that if the people don’t vote for your candidate the other side will bring Saddam back to power and the terrorists will take over the country.”

“Does my candidate have to apologize after he says it?”

“Of course not. The object of winning an election is to scare the hell out of the electorate.”

“What about gun control? Should our candidate be for it or against it?”

“He must declare that under the Iraqi Constitution everyone has a right to a gun.”

“But we have no constitution.”

“When you get one you will have the right to bear arms. In the meantime, your boy will say every citizen has a duty to keep one under his pillow.”

“That won’t be an issue in Iraq.”

“Where was your man during the first Gulf War?”

“He was in the Iraqi National Guard in Morocco.”

“Your opposition is going to try to make that an issue.”

“What should my man say?”

“He must say he served honorably and he has his dental records to prove it.”

“What about television ads?”

“That is where you want to spend your money. Tell the people that your opposition threw his medals into the Tigris.”

“We don’t have any money for TV.”

“The CIA will give you all you want. After all, it is to the United States’ advantage that you hold free elections.”

“What are the big issues we should concentrate on?”

“Security is number one.”

“But they are still fighting in Fallujah, Tikrit and Baghdad.”

“Deny it. Always deny. After security, your people will be interested in jobs. Fifty percent of all Iraqis are out of work. Promise them that you will create three thousand new jobs to rebuild the cities. Once again, the United States will supply the dollars and the jobs through Halliburton.”

“Will you also pay for election bumper stickers?”

“Not only will we pay for them, but we will put them on our own tanks.”

“What about the media?”

“The United States will provide you with enough spin to win the election.”

“You have been very helpful, sir. May Allah bless you.”

LIKE IT OR NOT, I have to deal with the “Dan Rather Factor.” It is important because Dan presented memos on
60 Minutes II
written by a colonel concerning his opinion as to how George W. Bush behaved in the Air National Guard. The memos have been questioned and might be forgeries.

This is what we know so far. Bush served honorably, but out of harm’s way, in Alabama. Dan did not serve in the National Guard, but was in harm’s way all that time.

We don’t know where George was for six months of his service—and the White House won’t tell us.

According to the colonel’s memorandums, which could be forgeries, Bush refused to obey orders and had a “bad attitude.” Colonel Killian, who has gone to that big Air National Guard in the sky, said the future president could not qualify to fly jet planes because he did not show up for his physical. Killian’s secretary, who did all the colonel’s typing, said she didn’t type the memos, though she told Dan they were the colonel’s thoughts.

Handwriting experts hired by CBS said they warned Rather that the documents might not be kosher. The question raised was whether the notes were made on an IBM Selectric or with word processing software at a Kinko’s in Abilene, Texas. What makes the story more interesting is it turns out that nobody from the
60 Minutes II
staff has ever been in Abilene. Dan said, after questions hit the fan, that he intended to get to the bottom of his broadcast. Apparently he did and the bottom was that the documents were forged.