Beating Around the Bush (24 page)

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Authors: Art Buchwald

BOOK: Beating Around the Bush
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“Not necessarily. There are human judges and non-human judges.”
“How can you tell the difference?”
Sampson said, “All you have to do is read their decisions and watch their body language.”
“How would you know?”
“You may not know, but our people do.”
“Meaning those who believe in the Right God?”
“I am not going to name names.”
“Are there some judges that you don’t want to kill?” I asked.
“Yes. All the ones the president has nominated that the Democrats won’t confirm because of their ideology. Their party would rather filibuster than confirm.”
I said, “Senator Frist says the same thing.”
“The thing we are most concerned about is the Supreme Court. Sooner or later a justice has to be replaced. And we don’t
want a turncoat, who, once he gets affirmed, votes in favor of
Roe v. Wade
,” Sampson said.
I said, “Supreme Court justices are funny that way. Once she gets in she has a mind of her own.”
Sampson said, “The only ones we can count on are Scalia and Thomas.”
I agreed. “You can say what you want to about them, but they are always on the Right side.”
I then said, “Here is one thing I don’t understand. Why do the Right-to-Life people believe in the death penalty?”
Sampson said, “In many states it is the law. But people on death row can escape execution if they have a living will. That’s a joke.”
“I like it when right-wing people joke. It makes them more human.”
Sampson said, “Can we get serious? The court system is in a mess and has to be reformed.”
I asked, “What should we do?”
“We must file a ‘Friend of the Court’ brief on cases we like, and an ‘Enemy of the Court’ on cases we don’t.”
“Why are you so bitter about liberal judges that now sit on the bench?”
“In the case of federal ones, they serve for life. We can’t kick the liberal ones out, even if we want to.”
He said, “The Right has always been against liberal judges, and for the first time our voices are being heard on radio and television talk shows.”
“Then it is nothing personal, it is political?” I asked. “Where does the Right stand on the American Civil Liberties Union?”
“We don’t like them. They are always taking flag-burning cases.”
“If what you want comes true, the very fabric of the court system will be changed.”
“And our Constitution will be obeyed as our founding fathers had in mind. The Ten Commandments will be where they wanted them to be—on court property so everyone can read them.”
Oil Tasting For Snobs
IT IS NO SECRET that the price of oil is going up. But very few people have any idea what it tastes like.
Therefore when I was invited to an oil tasting event at my Exxon gas station I accepted.
The owner had his garage set up with tables. On the tables were gallons and barrels of oil from all over the world.
“How do you decide which one to sell?” I asked.
“In this market we have to take what we can get. Here is a new barrel of Saudi Arabian that just arrived. It has a beautiful color and an aroma you won’t find in other Middle Eastern countries.”
He gave me a cup to taste.
I said, “It has a nutty taste, but goes down smoothly. I think it has a lot of promise.” I spit it out.
“We will age it in the barrel for another year, when the price will go up.”
He continued, “Here is a Kuwait Desert Red. It only can be found in the southern part of the country. I find people with SUVs prefer it over the Libyan Beaujolais, which is mixed with a cheap Algerian product.”
I took a sip, then swirled it around and spit it out. “I’ll take the Kuwait anytime.” I then asked, “Are there some years that are better for oil than others?”
He replied, “Of course there are. I would not sell an Iraqi Bordeaux while the war is going on.”
“This mean the 2003s and 2004s are hardly drinkable?”
“It is not only that. The Halliburton distributor marks up every gallon three times what it is worth.”
We went over to another barrel. “This is a hard-to-get Venezuelan Burgundy. The oil workers had been on strike for two years, and this is all we could buy.”
Next to it was an English Channel red.
The station owner said, “English Channel red, when mixed with Norwegian Fjord, is good for trucks and school busses.”
Then he told me there was still a shortage of Alaskan crude, because for the first time the Chinese are thirstier than we are.
I said, “I hear Alaskan oil is being drilled in the tundra, and moose and polar bears are always tripping over the pipeline.”
He said, “Right. Since Alaskan crude comes from the Arctic, it should always be served at room temperature.”
He continued. “Over here we have several barrels of Nigerian and Equatorial blends. We carry them in case a customer asks for them for his Hyundai or Kia.”
I asked, “Do you have any Russian samples for tasting?”
“They are starting to become very popular. A Russian Ivanovich is being swallowed up by European cars like the Mercedes Benz, Volvo, and BMW.”
“And the Volkswagen?” I asked.
“Yes, but only if you pay in Eurodollars.” Then the owner said, “That’s about it. A year ago we sold a gallon of regular for $1.40. Now it is $2.40.”
“Same gas?”
“Would you like a blindfold test?”
“Why not?” I said.
He put a red bandana around my eyes. I tasted five of them. As far as I was concerned, like most Americans, I couldn’t tell the difference.
The News
HOW DO PEOPLE get their news? Let me count the ways.
In the old days I got my news primarily from newspapers, then radio, followed by television and, in the last few years, on the Internet. It is a tortuous path, but as Walter Cronkite might say today, “That is the way it is now.”
Let me give you an example.
Tom DeLay. My first solid news came from a friend who claimed he heard it in a bar on K Street.
He said Congressman Tom DeLay, the Republican majority leader, took a trip to Great Britain in 2000, with a stopover at the St. Andrews golf course in Scotland. It was partially paid for by the Choctaw Indian tribe, who wanted gambling permits in Mississippi in the worst way.
It was confirmed on my car radio when I left the bar.
When I got home I saw it on CNN.
The Washington Post
printed the congressman’s escapade on page 1, pointing out a lobbyist for the Choctaws had helped finance the trip. An earlier story said the indictment of DeLay’s
close associates (charges DeLay claims were politically motivated) had Republican lawmakers worried the majority leader might be forced to step aside.
I couldn’t believe DeLay, a former undertaker, could do anything wrong—certainly not play golf with Indian tribe money at St. Andrews.
But I needed more verification.
I went to my computer and typed in “www.DeLay/Indian [email protected].”
My computer came up with hundreds of Google results.
There was, “DeLay plays golf with Indian gambling money,” and another one, “Rich fat cats in Texas meet with DeLay to discuss moral values,” and “Oil executives count on DeLay to pass legislation giving them tax breaks.”
I was disappointed I couldn’t find “DeLay golf scores” either on Google or Yahoo. But I had enough information to confirm the story was for real.
The next thing I read was from the bloggers.
There was message after message for and against the congressman.
One blogger wrote, “Tom DeLay doesn’t like gambling, but he has to think of who will pay for his trips abroad.”
Another said, “There are few Choctaws in Houston, but I am going to get the ones who live there to vote for DeLay.”
It was not only the Indians who financed DeLay’s trip to Britain, but also the Christian Right, who are supposed to be against gambling and same-sex marriage.
Tommy, from Greenwich, wrote, “The Democrats are giving golf a bad name.”
So, as we say in the newspaper business, the story had legs.
I filed it away because DeLay is now making news every day. It is my duty to separate the bloggers from the fair and balanced media.
We are entering a new age of news. I maintain that blogging is taken as fact—so much so that many papers pick up the blogs and print it as news.
That is why I still hang out at the K Street Bar.
The Quiet Ambassador
THE ONLY REASONS his critics don’t want John Bolton to be the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations are that he is a terrible diplomat, he dislikes the U.N., he has a short temper, and he is a bully. Outside of that he is Bush’s kind of appointee.
This is what his detractors fear he will do if he gets the job.
John Bolton, in a Security Council meeting, turns to the French U.N. ambassador, who has made a speech about Iraq, and says, “Oh yeah?”
The French ambassador says, “Oh oui.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you didn’t have diplomatic immunity.”
“I can say anything I want to.”
Bolton says, “Let’s step outside and I will knock your teeth out.”
“I don’t want to step outside and fight you. I am a black belt in karate and a kick boxer, but my instructions are to solve all disputes in the U.N. diplomatically.”
Bolton says, “My instructions from Washington are to do anything to win. And if any country disagrees with us we will shove the veto vote down their throat. Why don’t we go down to the U.N. gym and have it out with bare knuckles?”
“Monsieur Ambassador, you are, as we say in France, a
brute
—a bully.”
“And you are nothing more than a cowardly frog.”
“And you are a money-grubbing flea.”
John says, “If we go to the top floor I will throw you out the window.”
“You don’t even know where the top floor is. You said in your speech that a top floor at the U.N. building is a waste of space and so are the other floors.”
Bolton says, “I am beginning to lose my temper. When I lose it I throw things at people.”
“I am sure you do. Put that Oil-for-Food trophy down.”
“I am going to tell Condoleezza I tried to drill some sense into your dumb head.”
“And I am going to tell President Chirac never to invite your president to Versailles.”
Bolton leaves the Security Council floor and he sees the Cuban delegate running down the hall and chases him. The man runs into a restroom and locks the door.
Bolton bangs on the door and yells, “Fidel, or whatever your name is, if you don’t come out in three minutes we will bomb Havana.”
“Why now?” the delegate asks.
“Because we know you are building biological bombs to spread germs all over Miami. And even if you are not, the president would like to bomb someplace only 90 miles away.”
Two of Bolton’s aides drag him back to the office.
He says, “I’ve really had a bad day. Bring in some of the staff so I can chew them out.”
After harassing them he calls Condoleezza Rice in Washington. “Madam Secretary? I am having a bad day. Whatever country we oppose votes against us. Fifty percent of all the members hate us. And 50 percent that we give aid money to despise us.”
“John, we have to do what’s right for America.”
“I would like to kick the Russian ambassador in the you-know-where.”
“Don’t do it until the president gives the word. How are you doing with the Chinese over North Korea?”
“I am not talking to the Chinese ambassador.”
“Why not?”
“Because he won’t apologize for parking his limousine in my reserved space.”
“You’ve done a great job and we appreciate it.”
Bolton says, “Thank you. I think I have done well, considering I have only been here two weeks.”
Happy Mountain
A WISE MAN ONCE told me, “War is hell, but it is good for the economy.”
He was talking about the Pentagon’s announcement that it intends to close down military bases all over the country. What he really was talking about was “jobs.”
Nobody wants a war, but he or she wants to manufacture the stuff that you need to fight one.
Even your most dovish congressman or senator does not want to close a military installation in his or her own back yard.
Congressman Everett F. Livid said, “You don’t close bases to save money. That is not the American way. I will fight or filibuster any attempt to chop the installation at the Happy Mountain Air Force base in my district.”
“But the Cold War is over.”
“It could start again at any moment, and I want this country prepared to bite the bullet.”
“But Rumsfeld says by closing the bases he will save taxpayers billions of dollars.”
“It isn’t his money, it’s the taxpayers’ money.”
“Why don’t you be honest about it? If your base is closed and 14,000 people are put out of work, it could cost you the next election.”
Livid snapped, “What a terrible thing to say. We have to give our brave boys the best defense money can buy. I have been in Iraq and every soldier thanked me for what we are doing for them at home.”
“Do you think the president approved of Rumsfeld’s hit list?”
“I am sure he didn’t know anything about it.”
“How do you know?”
He was surprised and told me the only thing he is interested in is Social Security reform. I pointed out that if people could invest in the stock market, and the bases were closed, the military industrial complex bubble would burst, and people would lose their savings.
“What you were telling the president in effect is, if he allows Rumsfeld to close the base in your district, you would not vote for his Social Security reform.”
“I wouldn’t put it that way. Look, the economy of Happy Mountain feeds off of the base—barbers, real estate, coffee shops, and Wal-Mart. McDonald’s has announced it is ready to pull out if the base is closed.”

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