Beau Jest (3 page)

ABE. I never talk to her. You talk to her.

MIRIAM. Not anymore. She died.

ABE. She didn’t die.

MIRIAM. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

ABE. (
Rhetorically
) I don’t know what I’m talking about.

MIRIAM. We made a condolence call.

ABE. When?

MIRIAM. Last summer. At her daughter’s. You know The one with the mouth. In Buffalo Grove.

ABE.
That
was for Sylvia Klein?

MIRIAM. Yes.

ABE. What happened?

MIRIAM. She died’

BOB. Who was her doctor?

MIRIAM. I don’t know. Some dummy.

BOB Well, we may just have to check him out. We can’t have nice people like Sylvia Klein dying on us. You have any friends who need help, you tell Sarah. I’ll take care of them.

MIRIAM. I’m sure you don’t need me for business.

BOB Well, they keep me pretty busy down at the old hospital

MIRIAM. I bet you don’t have any free time.

BOB. Well, any free time I have, you know, I like to spend it with Sarah.

MIRIAM. She tells me how busy you are.

ABE. So business is good.

BOB. Oh, are you kidding? People are dying to get into that hospital. (
HE realizes what HE just said.
) I mean, uh ...(
To Abe.
) How’s your business?

ABE. Oh! My business ...

MIRIAM. (
To
Bob
) You don’t want to hear about dry cleaning.

BOB. No, I do. (
To
Abe, as if remembering
) How many stores do you have?

ABE. Right now, six.

BOB. Right now?

ABE. I’m looking at opening up another one.

JOEL & SARAH. (
Overlapping
) Another one?

ABE. On Armitage. Near Clybourn.

JOEL. Dad, you’re supposed to be taking it easy.

ABE This store’ll pay for itself. They’re building up the area. They need a dry cleaners.

SARAH. (
To Miriam
) Mom, he’s going to work himself into the ground.

MIRIAM Go talk to him.

SARAH. (
To Abe.
) You’ve got to take care of yourself.

ABE I take care of myself.

MIRIAM. In dreyrt, he’ll take care of himself.

ABE. Krich nit arein in de bayner, (
Don’t crawl into my bones
) all right?

MIRIAM. Do arbest tzu shvayr, Avramel. (
You’re working too hard, Abraham.
)

ABE. Loz mich aleyn. (
Leave me alone.
)

MIRIAM. Do vest zich der hargenen! (
You will kill yourself
!)

ABE. Enough!

(
Silence for a moment.
)

BOB. (
To Abe.
) Speaking of dry cleaning ... How did you get into the business?

ABE. Oh! That’s a very interesting story ...

MIRIAM. It’s not so interesting.

ABE. 1938, my family came to this country. My father didn’t have a dime in his pocket. But, he had his sewing machine. He couldn’t afford a shop. He would set up his sewing machine on the street corner and send me running up and down the street to ask people if they needed a tailor. In the old country, my father’s family was all tailors. Before the war, my uncle was the most famous tallis maker in all Hungary.

SARAH. Which uncle?

ABE. My Uncle Yossel.

SARAH. I never knew that.

MIRIAM. We told you that story.

SARAH. I never knew that. (
To Joel
.) Did you know that?

JOEL. I remember hearing something once about a tallis.

ABE. My Uncle Yossel ...

MIRIAM. Abe, shah (
To Bob.
) David. You and Sarah have plans for the weekend?

BOB. We haven’t really talked about it. (
To Sarah
.) What would you like to do this weekend, Sweetheart?

SARAH. Whatever you want to do, Sweetheart.

BOB. No, no. Whatever you want to do, Sweetheart.

SARAH. (
With teeth clenching.
) We’ll do what you want to do, Sweetheart.

MIRIAM. Oh, Sarah! Tomorrow on the radio is “La Boheme” with Pavarotti.

BOB. Oh! I love “La Boheme.”

MIRIAM. You like opera?

BOB. I love opera. I was at the opera last night.

MIRIAM. Last night? (
To Sarah
.) You didn’t tell me you were at the opera last night.

BOB. Oh, no. I didn’t go with Sarah. I went with my, uh ... my aunt.

MIRIAM. Who’s your aunt?

BOB. I don’t think you know her.

MIRIAM. What’s her name?

BOB. Her name is, uh ... Sylvia Klein.

MIRIAM.
Another
Sylvia Klein?

BOB. Amazing, isn’t it?

MIRIAM. So what did you see?

BOB. “Tristan Und Isolde.” It was great.

MIRIAM. Wagner?

ABE. Anti-Semite bastard.

SARAH. Daddy.

MIRIAM. (
To Bob.
) You liked it?

BOB. Well, it was long, but, you know, great

... For an anti-Semite bastard.

MIRIAM. Oh, I love the opera. For forty years, I’m listening to Saturday afternoon “Opera on the Air.”

BOB. Do you ever go?

MIRIAM. No, I don’t go. Abe wouldn’t sit through it.

BOB. Oh, you really should see it sometime.

MIRIAM. No, I don’t think I’d enjoy it. I just like to imagine what it looks like.

BOB. I’d be happy to take you sometime.

MIRIAM. No.

BOB. Really. It would be an honor for me to escort you to the opera. Tell you what, I’ll give you my card.

SARAH. Bob! (
Catches herself
.) Dave! (
Covering herself.
) Dave-Bob.

BOB. (
To Joel.
) Dave-Bob. It’s kind of a nickname. My full name is David
Robert
Steinberg. I answer to either one.

SARAH. (
Announcing
.) Will you look at the time?!

MIRIAM. What? It’s not so late.

SARAH. Daddy, you’re going to work tomorrow, aren’t you? You need your rest.

ABE. (
Rhetorically.
) I need my rest.

(
SARAH turns to Bob for help.
)

BOB. We didn’t do presents yet.

ABE. Presents?

SARAH. Oh, presents. Joel, where’s your present?

JOEL. (
Getting up.
) It’s in my coat.

SARAH. (
Rushing to the bedroom.
) I’ll get mine. (
SHE stops and turns back.
) Uh ... Ours ... Both of us ... It’s from, uh ... (
SHE exits.
)

ABE. For me, you don’t have to get presents.

BOB. Of course, we got you a present. Sarah and I shopped and shopped ...

JOEL. (
Handing Abe the present.
) Here, Dad. Happy birthday.

ABE. Thank you.

MIRIAM. Oh! From Field’s!

ABE (
Opening present
) What have we got here? (
Removes tie.
) Well, that’s very nice.

MIRIAM. Isn’t that nice?

ABE (
To Joel
) Thank you.

(
ABE and JOEL kiss
)

JOEL. You’re welcome.

SARAH. (
Hands her gift to Abe.
) Here, Daddy. Happy birthday. From me and David.

ABE Thank you.

BOB Bet you can’t guess what it is.

ABE. (
Removes the tie
) A tie.

MIRIAM. Isn’t that nice?

ABE That’s very nice. Thank you.

(
ABE and SARAH kiss
)

BOB. (
Extending his hand.
) Many happy returns of the day, Mr. Goldman.

ABE. (
Shaking Bob’s hand
) Thank you.

MIRIAM. Happy, we get from our children. (
To Abe
) Abe, take a picture. You brought the camera?

ABE I got it in the coat.

BOB (
Getting up
) Sit. Sit. I’ll get it.

MIRIAM So helpful.

ABE. (
To Bob.
) In the inside pocket.

BOB. I got it. (
Handing camera to Abe
) Here you go.

MIRIAM. Take a picture of the children.

SARAH. You always have to take pictures.

MIRIAM. When I have my children together, it’s special. Sit together. You, too, David. Go and sit.

(
SARAH
,
JOEL and BOB sit
.)

ABE. (
Looking through the camera.
) Give a smile. (
HE clicks the camera
.)

BOB. Now let me take one of all of you.

MIRIAM. Of me, I don’t need a picture.

BOB. Come on. One of the whole Goldman family. Mr. Goldman, get in there. (
HE looks through the camera
) Give a smile. (
HE clicks the camera.
)

MIRIAM. Now one of Sarah and David.

SARAH. That’s enough pictures.

MIRIAM. I want one of the two of you together.

BOB. Come on, Sweetheart. We hardly have
any
pictures of the two of us together. (
HE sits next to Sarah
)

ABE (
Looking through the camera
.) Get in close.

BOB. How close would you like?

JOEL. How close can you get?

BOB. You want a real pose?

ABE. Sure. Why not?

(
BOB takes Sarah and kisses her on the mouth. SARAH is surprised, but goes along with it. ABE takes the picture. BOB releases his embrace.
)

BOB. (
To Abe
.) I’d like a copy of that one, please.

MIRIAM. Abe, let’s go.

ABE. So let’s go.

MIRIAM. Let’s go. I’m tired already.

BOB. Going so soon?

MIRIAM. Joel, let’s go.

SARAH. You don’t have to go. I’ll get your coats.

MIRIAM. Abe, you got the presents.

ABE. I got them.

SARAH. (
To Miriam
.) You want the dish from the kugel?

MIRIAM. I don’t need it. You’ll bring it next time you come by us.

SARAH. All right.

MIRIAM. Call me tomorrow. You’ll call me tomorrow?

SARAH. I’ll call you tomorrow.

MIRIAM. Joel, you’ll call me sometime? I shouldn’t think you’re lying in a gutter somewhere?

JOEL. I’ll call you. I’ll bring the boys next weekend.

MIRIAM. (
To Bob.
) Now, don’t be a stranger. I want we should see a lot more of you.

BOB. We’ll see what we can do. It was very nice meeting you.

MIRIAM. Oh, my absolute, complete pleasure.

BOB. (
Extending his hand.
) Mr. Goldman.

ABE. (
Shaking hands
) Nice to meet you.

BOB. Pleasure meeting you. (
Extending his hand to Joel
.) Joel, see you again.

JOEL. (
Shaking hands.
) I’ll look forward to it.

SARAH. (
Kissing each parent as THEY exit
) Goodmght.

MIRIAM. Goodnight.

ABE. Goodnight.

SARAH. Drive carefully.

JOEL. (
Kissing Sarah
) Goodnight.

SARAH. Goodnight.

JOEL. Thanks for dinner.

SARAH. Give my love to the boys. Goodnight.

BOB. (
Waving
.) Goodnight.

MIRIAM. (
One more, from the hallway
) Goodnight!

(
SARAH closes the door SARAH and BOB look at each other for a long moment.
)

BOB. You could have
told
me I was a doctor.

(
THEY break up laughing
)

SARAH. I don’t believe I did that!

BOB. I couldn’t believe it! I almost lost it all right there!

SARAH. I am so sorry. You were amazing.

BOB. Oh, I don’t know. I don’t think Joel was buying it

SARAH. No. He was. He was.

BOB. He kept
watching
me.

SARAH. He’s a therapist. He does that to everybody. You were just amazing.

BOB. I was racking my brain trying to think of all the doctor stuff I know.

SARAH. How did you know what a T.I.A. is?

BOB.
My
father had one. It’s the one medical thing I know. If they had asked me how to stop a nosebleed, I would’ve been screwed!

SARAH. You were perfect I was the one who almost lost it.

BOB No. No, you did great.

SARAH. The way you said the blessing for the wine. I couldn’t believe it.

BOB. I heard it doing “Fiddler,” It just came to me. Like an old song lyric.

SARAH. You laughed in all the right places. You ate everything like you knew what it was ...

BOB. What
was
that stuff of your mother’s?

SARAH. Kugel? You never had it?

BOB. No. It was delicious. I loved it. I’ve got to get the recipe.

SARAH There is no recipe. It’s a secret formula. Handed down for generations.

BOB. You should franchise it. Like Mrs. Field’s cookies. Mrs. Goldman’s Kugel. You’d make a fortune.

SARAH. My mother’s going to be walking on air for days, talking about you. You’re sure you’re not Jewish?

BOB. I guess I’ve picked up a few things along the way. I still have a lot to learn. You guys get together like this every week?

SARAH. If it was up to my mother, we’d all still be living in the same house.

BOB. Fine. Kugel. Everyday.

SARAH. You were absolutely brilliant.

BOB. Well, I’ll tell you one thing. This is going in
my
diary.

SARAH. Well... You were great.

BOB. You were great, too.

SARAH. Well ...

BOB. Can I help you clean up?

SARAH. Oh, no. No, that’s all right. I should let you go.

BOB. You sure?

SARAH. Oh, yeah. That’s all right. Thank you. I’ll get your coat.

BOB. I know where it is.

SARAH. Well, let me just, um ... (
SHE gets her purse and removes a checkbook
.)

BOB. Oh, hey, no, listen. This one’s on me.

SARAH. Don’t be silly. You earned it.