Beau Jest (2 page)

BOB. Did they catch the guy?

JOEL. Yeah. Turns out he’s out on parole. He’ll be doing some serious time.

SARAH. And Dad’s all right?

JOEL. Dad is Dad.

SARAH. I wish they would tell me these things.

JOEL. Shouldn’t they be here already?

SARAH. They’re probably looking for a parking space.

JOEL. (
To Bob.
) You haven’t met them yet, right?

BOB. No. But I feel as if I know them already.

JOEL. (
To Sarah.
) Did you get Dad a present?

SARAH. A tie.

BOB. A tie. Yeah. We shopped and shopped ...

JOEL. The best you could come up with was a tie?

SARAH. What did you get him?

JOEL. Oh, I gave it a lot of thought.

SARAH. And you bought him ...

SARAH & JOEL. (
In unison.
) A tie.

(
The DOORBELL rings
.)

SARAH. (
Gasps
.) Oh!

BOB. (
Cheerfully
.) That must be them! (To
Joel
.) I’ve been so looking forward to this.

(
SARAH opens the door. MIRIAM and ABE enter. ABE is carrying a casserole dish and a paper bag with a loaf of bread in it
)

MIRIAM. Hi.

SARAH. (
Kisses Miriam.
) Hi.

MIRIAM. Sorry we’re late.

SARAH. (
Kisses Abe
.) Hi.

ABE. For an hour, we looked for a parking space.

JOEL. (
Kisses Miriam.
) Hi, Mom.

MIRIAM. You couldn’t wear a jacket and tie?

JOEL. We’re not going out.

MIRIAM. I hate that sweater.

SARAH. Let me take your coats.

JOEL. (
Kisses Abe.
) Hi.

ABE. Hello. For an hour, we looked for a parking space.

MIRIAM. It wasn’t an hour.

SARAH. You could take a cab.

MIRIAM. From where can we afford cabs?

SARAH. You can afford to take a cab.

ABE. Next time, I said, we park the car at home and walk here.

SARAH. You
could
take a cab.

MIRIAM. So ... So where is he?

BOB. (
Steps forward.
) Hi.

SARAH. (
SHE takes a deep breath and makes the introductions.
) Mom. Dad. This is David.

BOB. (
HE turns to Abe and shakes his hand.
) Mr. Goldman.

ABE. How do you do?

BOB. (
HE goes to Miriam and shakes her hand.
) Mrs. Goldman. Very nice to meet you.

MIRIAM. Oh! So handsome! ... Jewish, you don’t look.

BOB. (
Laughing
.) Oh! Everybody tells me that.

MIRIAM. What are you, Sephardic?

BOB. No. No, I’m Jewish.

MIRIAM. (
With a knowing smile.
) Oh! I know what you mean.

SARAH. So ... Why doesn’t everyone sit down? (
Gesturing towards a seat for Bob.
) David?

BOB. Thank you, Sweetheart.

MIRIAM. Oh! Listen how he calls her Sweetheart.

BOB. Well, ever since that day when we met at Madeline’s ...

SARAH. Marilyn.

BOB. Marilyn’s wedding, I’ve felt like the luckiest man on earth.

SARAH. David—Sweetheart—Let’s not go overboard.

MIRIAM. Abe, where’s the dish?

ABE. (
Rhetorically
.) Where’s the dish?

SARAH. I got it.

MIRIAM. (
Giving Sarah the casserole.
) Here. Put this in the oven at three-fifty.

SARAH. I’ll put it in the microwave.

MIRIAM. Don’t put it in the microwave.

SARAH. It’ll take two seconds.

MIRIAM. Don’t put it in the microwave.

SARAH. Everything else is ready.

MIRIAM. Sarah, please!

SARAH. All right.

MIRIAM. It doesn’t taste right from the microwave. Put it in the oven.

SARAH. All right.

MIRIAM. Please.

SARAH. I’ll put it in the oven.

MIRIAM. And here. I got you a challah like you like from Kaufman’s.

SARAH. (
Going to the kitchen.
) Kaufman’s is still surviving?

MIRIAM. They’ll be there forever.

BOB. What’s the matter with Kaufman’s?

MIRIAM. Oh, you don’t remember. Oh, it’s a long time already. They had that thing with the salmonella.

BOB. Oh! Right. Of course. How could I forget?

ABE. You’re a doctor. You know about these things. What causes that? That salmonella?

BOB. Oh, well, um ... That’s very interesting, actually. Not many people know this ... Salmonella is caused by a rare bacteria that gets into the, uh ... salmon.

SARAH. (
Entering from the kitchen, carrying the challah.
) You made kugel. You didn’t have to bother.

MIRIAM. For a special occasion, I make my special lukshen kugel.

BOB. Oh, right. Mr. Goldman, happy birthday.

MIRIAM. (
Dismissing him
.) Oh, pooh. The special occasion is meeting you, David. David, you like lukshen kugel?

BOB. Oh! Every chance I get.

MIRIAM. Well, you’ve never had lukshen kugel like my lukshen kugel.

BOB. I’m sure of that.

ABE. We’re going to talk about it? Or we’re going to eat it? Let’s eat.

JOEL. Let’s eat. BOB. Let’s eat!

(
EVERYONE moves to the table, SARAH gestures to indicate to Bob where he should sit
... Next to Miriam.
)

SARAH. (
To Miriam
) Do you want to light candles?

MIRIAM. Oh! Let’s light candles.

(
SARAH gives kippahs to the men. SHE prepares the candles.
)

MIRIAM. (
During the preceding action, to Joel
.) Joel, you couldn’t bring the boys?

JOEL. It’s not my weekend.

MIRIAM. For a special occasion, you couldn’t bring them?

JOEL. It’s not my weekend.

MIRIAM. I hope you’ll bring them to my funeral. God willing, it should be on your weekend.

SARAH. Joel, you want to open the wine? BOB. I’ll do it.

MIRIAM. No. No. Let Joel do it.

BOB. I don’t mind.

MIRIAM. Joel’ll do it.

JOEL. Joel’ll do it. (
HE opens the wine and pours a glass for each person.
)

MIRIAM. (
To Bob.
) You have to save your hands for your surgery.

BOB. Surgery! Right! I’m a surgeon, aren’t I? Boy, you never know when I’m going to have to operate on someone.

JOEL. (
To Bob
) I notice you’re not wearing a pager.

BOB. No. No. I left it at home. I didn’t want to be disturbed.

JOEL. You left it at home?

BOB. Yeah, well ... It’s my day off.

JOEL. What if there’s an emergency?

BOB. Well, I got a guy covering for me.

MIRIAM. You’re at what hospital, David?

BOB. Oh, um ... (
Turning to Sarah.
) Didn’t you tell them, Sweetheart?

SARAH. Yes, I did, Sweetheart. (
To Miriam
) I told you, Mother. He’s at Northwestern Memorial.

MIRIAM. (
To Bob.
) Oh! Do you know Dr. Frankel? My neighbor went to him for her hypertension.

BOB. (
As if HE’s trying to place the name
) Dr. Frankel ... Dr. Frankel ... An older man, yes?

MIRIAM. Yes.

BOB. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, if you’re tense—especially if you’re hypertense—you can’t do better than Dr. Frankel.

SARAH. (
Ready with the candles
) Shall we?

MIRIAM. (
Elated
.) Oh! I’ve got my family together for Shabbos. (
To Bob
) Where is your family, David?

BOB. My family? Oh, they’re ...

SARAH. I told you, Mother. David is an only child. His parents live in Florida.

MIRIAM. (
To Bob
) Where in Florida?

BOB. Miami Beach.

SARAH. North!

BOB. North! North Miami Beach. Of course. North. Completely North.

MIRIAM. I’m sure they’re very proud of you.

BOB. If they could only see me now. They’d be very impressed.

SARAH. (
Moving along
) May I? (
SHE says the blessing over the candles
) Baruch Atoh HaShem Elokenu Melech Ha-Olom Asher Kidishanu Bemitzvotah Vetzivanu Lehadlik Ner Shel Shabbat.

EVERYONE BUT BOB. Amen.

BOB. Amen.

MIRIAM (
To Joel
) Joel, say the Ha-Motzee

(
JOEL breaks off a hunk of challah and passes it so that each person takes a piece. BOB starts to put his piece of challah in his mouth SARAH catches his arm and stops him just in time
)

JOEL. Baruch Atoh Ha-Shem Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Ha-Motzee Lechem Min Ha-Aretz.

EVERYONE. Amen. (
THEY eat the challah
)

MIRIAM. (
To Bob.
) David, would you like to say the brucha for the wine?

SARAH. No! David doesn’t want to do it. (
To Abe
.) You do it, Daddy.

BOB No. No, I’ll do it. It’s my pleasure.

(
EVERYONE picks up a glass of wine BOB rises in place
)

BOB. (
Flawlessly
) Baruch Atoh Ha-Shem Elokenu Melech Ha-Alom Boreh Pine Ha-Gofen.

EVERYONE. Amen.

(
EVERYONE drinks SARAH looks at Bob
,
awestruck
)

BOB. (
To Sarah, HE sings
.) To life ... To life ... L’chaim.

ABE. Let’s eat!

BLACKOUT

ACT I

Scene 2

AT RISE: EVERYONE is sitting around the table, having coffee, finishing birthday cake.

ABE. I got to tell you a story. Monday night, we’re watching Carson. Alan King comes on ...

MIRIAM. It was Tuesday night.

ABE. It was Monday night.

MIRIAM. We didn’t watch Carson Monday night. Monday night, we went to look at carpet.

ABE. It was Monday night.

MIRIAM. It was Tuesday night. to look at

ABE. It was Monday night. We went to look at carpet Sunday night.

MIRIAM. Where do you go to look at carpet

Sunday night? we looked at carpet

ABE. Where we went, we looked at carpet Sunday night.

MIRIAM. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

ABE. (
Rhetorically
.) I don’t know what I’m talking about.

MIRIAM. Sunday night, we were home. Monday night, we went to look at carpet. Tuesday night, we saw Carson.

SARAH. Anybody want more coffee?

ABE. Can I finish my story?

SARAH. I’m sorry. Finish your story.

ABE. We’re watching Carson. Alan King comes on ...

MIRIAM. It was
Tuesday
night.

JOEL. Will you let him tell his story?!

ABE. Alan King comes on. He says, one morning, his grandfather comes into the house, he’s limping. They soak the foot in Epson salt. They wrap it in a bandage. They take him for tests ... x-rays ... everything. Finally, his Uncle Herman comes over. He’s smarter than all the doctors. He doesn’t look at the foot. He looks inside the shoe. In the shoe, the old man had left a sock rolled up from the night before.
That’s
why he was limping!

(
BOB laughs.
)

BOB. That’s very funny.

ABE.
I
thought it was funny.

SARAH. Now. More coffee, anyone?

MIRIAM. Not for me.

ABE. (
Holding out his cup.
) Please.

MIRIAM. You had enough coffee.

ABE. (
To Sarah
.) It’s de-caf, no?

SARAH. Yes, it’s de-caf.

ABE. (
To Miriam.
) See? (
To Sarah.
) More coffee.

SARAH. Joel?

JOEL. Half a cup.

SARAH. David?

BOB. No, thank you. Sweetheart. I’m fine.

MIRIAM. (
To Bob
.) So, David, I want to hear more about your work.

SARAH. Mother, enough already.

BOB. No, that’s all right. I don’t mind.

JOEL.
I’d
like to hear more about David’s medical practice.

BOB. Oh, um ...

MIRIAM. What kind of surgery do you do, David?

BOB. Surgery? Oh, you know ... Whatever comes up. Hearts ... Brains.

JOEL. What’s your specialization?

BOB. Oh ... I guess I’d say ... Hearts. Yeah, hearts. I love hearts.

JOEL. Where’d you go to med school?

BOB. Harvard.

ABE. (
Rising and moving to sit in the living room area.
) You should listen to my heart.

BOB. (
Following Abe.
) Oh, gee, I’d like to. But I don’t have my, uh ... black bag and stuff.

ABE. Blood pressure, one-twenty over eighty. Every time, perfect!

BOB. That’s wonderful.

MIRIAM. Now, it’s wonderful. Last year, he had his T.I.A., it wasn’t so wonderful.

BOB. Oh, you had a T.I.A.

JOEL. What is a T.I.A.?

BOB. T.I.A stands for Transient Ischemic Attack.

JOEL And what causes that?

BOB. Well, it’s usually caused by a partial blockage in the carotid artery that supplies blood to the brain. Studies have shown that taking aspirin can reduce the chances of a recurrence. (
To Abe)
Did your doctor prescribe aspirin for you?

ABE. One a day.

BOB. That should be all right. Who’s your doctor?

ABE. Doctor Haid in Highland Park.

BOB. (
With conviction
) Good man. MIRIAM I bet he’s not as good as you. I just hope you weren’t the one who operated on Sylvia Klein.

BOB I don’t believe so.

MIRIAM. Good. She died.

ABE. Who died?

MIRIAM. Sylvia Klein.

ABE. She didn’t die.

MIRIAM. Of course she died.

ABE. I don’t think she died.

MIRIAM. Have you talked to her lately?