Beautiful Blemish (9 page)

What She Can Do

He was a short man. That was the first thing I noticed. He looked me directly in the shoulder.

    
My hand shook from too much coffee. I had scone crumbs on my jacket.
Poppy seeds.

    
“This is where the antenna is hidden,” he said, caressing the side of his laptop like a lover. He was drinking tea
with a
stale biscotti on the side. There was something wrong with his diction, the cluck of his consonants.

    
I looked at the wedding ring on his finger and wondered how short his wife was. If she was pretty or ugly, perhaps fat, nervous or deeply sad in some unexplainable way. I wondered if she had a hidden antenna that he stroked lovingly.

“Watch what she can do,” he said. He pressed a couple of buttons. “Now, be so kind as to look behind you.”

Part of the wall had turned into a doorway, arched
St. Louis
style, sweating with fog. There was a sound in the air too, something space-like and in the key of G. I looked around at the other people in the café and saw a middle-aged gym teacher trying to hum discreetly.

“Knock it off,” I said.

Once inside the doorway, I saw the air clear and witnessed another entire room. In it was an army of male dancers entertaining a throng of well-dressed
females.
The women sat in chairs as the men crushed against their ironed clothes. Some of the dancers wore horse masks and huge prosthetic penises. Disco music played from somewhere, but it was soft; you could still hear all the people breathing or struggling to voice their pleasure or displeasure.

“Do you have a woman in here, Stretch?” asked a fellow standing behind me. He wore a gold lame’
vest and a canister of pepper spray on his belt. His shoes were also made of gold.

“No, I was just checking it out,” I told him.

“You’re not allowed to be in here then,” he said. He pointed to the wall from where I emerged.

I started toward the wall but stopped halfway.
 
I looked back at the man. His hand lingered near his chemical weapon. “Go on,” he said above the music. “It’s not going to kill you.”

Several of the women turned to look at me then. One of the dancers pulled his mask off furiously and snarled in my direction. I took a quick step toward the wall but I wasn’t sure if it was going to open for me or not.

The Plant

I thought about killing myself but bought a plant instead.

    
I had never had a real plant before. I had a plastic plant once but even that died, eventually. The man at the store told me how to care for it. He said not to water it “too much.” He said it wasn’t supposed to get very much daylight. He said some other things that I missed.

    
It’s been two weeks since I got the plant and it’s turning brown in spots. I went back to the store. I asked the man there if he remembered me. He said he did. I asked him if he ever knew anyone who killed himself. “You mean, because of a plant?” he asked.

    
“No,” I said.

    
“Well…”

    
“Well, because of a woman, you creep.”

I spent the rest of the day walking up and down the main strip of town. I peered into the ice cream shop each time I got to 4
^th
. I couldn’t tell how old she was.
Maybe sixteen, maybe forty.
It was frustrating. I’d stare as long as I could, but then, just as I was figuring it out, she’d turn and give me the pissed face.

Back at home, I sat looking at the plant, ashamed of my inept nurturing. If only I had listened. I can’t even remember what kind of plant the damn thing is. I want to say Pond Clamp, but I know that’s not right.

    
I think that’s my problem.

    
I could learn a lot in this life, but I never listen.

Options

When the chubby punk rock girl who wore wrestling shoes wanted to give up her virginity to you, did you do it for the sense of conquest?

1.
     
She wasn’t really a virgin.

2.
     
I was embarrassed for myself, for her friends, for the posters on her wall.

3.
     
She wasn’t really chubby.

4.
     
She had a Mohawk for a few weeks. Everyone had a secret fantasy of having sex with her then.

Your cousin squeezed your ass when she kissed you goodbye. What was that like?

a.
      
There was a lot to drink. She was confused. I was wearing an ascot.

b.
     
I’ve always liked Claire. She spoke to me like a child and it was exciting for me. She patted me on the head when I graduated from UCLA.

c.
      
Once, we hid in the bushes and threw eggs at cars.

d.
     
I saw one of her breasts when I was ten. We were celebrating 4
^th
of July and she had caught a spark that flew into her bikini. She pulled it down quickly and splashed water on her right breast, patted her hand on her nipple for a while. I still wonder if it left a scar.

Josh teased you about the chubby girl whenever he got drunk. He said words that made you feel bad.

a.
      
He had red hair and his body was awkward and always lurching down the school hallway.

b.
     
Once when you were playing flag football he pushed you into a sprinkler and cut your knee.

c.
      
He said he liked James Dean movies but he didn’t know a fucking thing.

d.
     
One of the things about drinking is that it seems to make Allen and Josh and Sarah feel all important. But it makes you feel worthless.

That Korean kid died in the pool.

a.
      
Those shoes had so many laces, so many
holes,
it took forever to get them off. She wore white athletic socks. She was chubby.

b.
     
I always hated doing things with a team. I like doing things by myself. I’d sit in my room for hours listening to music and swaying on my little mushroom-shaped stool. I drew pictures of basketball jerseys.

c.
      
I went to the big waterfall and made a wish.

d.
     
Her friends would have hated me if she had friends. I saw her a few years later at the mall, working at a jewelry store. Her breasts were getting bigger.

You only notice the scratching sounds at night. They come from inside the wall.

a.
      
I was hitchhiking and got picked up by a drunk. He tried to hold my hand. He kept asking for my name. When he dropped me off he still lingered like I would change my mind.

b.
     
Do rats screw a lot? Maybe it’s a cat. I have not seen a raccoon in this neighborhood. Maybe it’s my cousin.

c.
      
I never remember what my dreams are. I just wake up on the couch and they’ve totally run away. It’s completely dark in here.

d.
     
Her mother was quite nice to me. Maybe she didn’t care what I was about to do.

You just remembered that time in
Walla
Walla
, at the family reunion.

a.
      
Besides stopping at that hamburger place by the
Blue Mountains
, that drive was just more time to think about my insides.

b.
     
I sent her money in the mail. She said she was pregnant. It was my first of three abortions. There’s nothing I can really say about who gets to carry the fault, or how we may have split it.

c.
      
I hate
Walla
Walla
. There was a steep grassy hill by my grandparents. We took turns rolling down it like logs. That was the only good thing about it.

d.
     
Josh went out with her too, but she dumped him.