Beautiful Dream (5 page)

“I-” I swallow, scrunching my eyes, unsure of what he’s actually asking, if anything.

“I don’t mean for us to do anything you’re not ready to!” He interrupts quickly, after seeing my reaction. “I just mean for us to maybe spend the night together, with no pressure or presumptions.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I bite my lip, backing up towards the building my class is in. “I’m a really bad sleeper,” I lie. “You’d end up hating me.”

I leave before he has the chance to say anything more, briskly walking far, far away. My heart feels heavy, beating in my chest stronger than it should, and I run to the nearest bathroom, weaning off the anxiety attack before it hits me full on.

I manage to make it to class only five minutes late. I’m desperately trying to pay attention, as this is the most important class I’ll probably take in my undergrad career, not to mention my very last. It’s my only class this semester, as most of the time I’ll be student teaching.

The professor is droning on about guiding us into a position at a school for the twelve-week student teaching credit, which in turn can lead to a full time position, and in some cases, a full ride to a Master’s degree.

I flip through the tiny syllabus, trying to catch up to where they are, thanks to my lateness. I mill through the written advice, about how to look for and get a job in your preferred school district, until I finally reach the correct page, where he’s outlining the local schools that are known to hire student teachers. That’s when I can’t help but overhear the two girls talking lowly behind me. They apparently spent their entire break securing slots at two of the most sought after Boston schools.

I sink back into my chair. Why didn’t I spend my break doing the same? Why was I so careless as to spend the last week of my time off focusing on a guy, rather than my own future?

Again.

I let my head fall into my hands, cursing a teacher with crystal blue eyes.

I’ve been making out with Luke for ten minutes now. Not that I’m counting. His hands keep wandering lower and lower, while I discreetly try to move them up further and further. I will myself to be into it, trying to ignore the bulge in his pants as his hand brushes my shoulder. I flinch, backing away, because his touch feels off.

“So,” he pulls his mouth away from mine at last. His voice is low, a poor attempt at being seductive.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper as water pools in my eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m just tired,” I sigh, swallowing my tears. “It was a long break and a long drive yesterday, and a
really
long day today.”

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and I briefly catch the name. I know he has a ton of girls who are friends, especially in the sorority his frat is closest with. The problem is, I really don’t care.

I want to care.

He laughs at the text, and I will myself to be jealous, letting myself know that he’s going to ditch me right now for one of them. Maybe they’ll even do stuff. We never talked about being exclusive. That should matter! He’s practically your boyfriend!

Why doesn’t it matter?

“I’m gonna get going then,” he stammers.

Ask him where he’s going!

“Okay,” I smile.

“I mean, I can stay,” he offers. “I’m sort of tired too.”

“No, no,” I shake my head as I stand, climbing over him. “It’s okay.”

He kisses my cheek before sliding his sneakers on and leaving.

I immediately fall onto my bed and let the waterworks flow. I wish I could just feel normal again.

Chapter 2

-Josh-

Going to dinner with Luci was unbelievable. I can’t even believe it happened. I can only dream that this is me on my way towards getting a second chance.

When she was my student, everything was wrong, but
oh so, so right
. It’s as if life was saying a big fuck you, giving me a glimpse of what love and happiness can look like, but in a twisted way, and for only a short period of time. Maybe that’s all I deserved, but I’m determined to make amends now.

I can’t help my dumbass grin as I head to the main office to check my mail. I’m careful as I go down the hall at this unfamiliar time. Typically, I spend lunch locked in my office, like the hermit I’ve become, and now that I left my confines I don’t know who I may run into.

Mark Chevy has been trying to get me to commit to next year’s track schedule, Jane Finch wants to meet about the next department head meeting, and really, isn’t the meeting supposed to be the meeting? What’s the point of a meeting
before
a meeting? Nevertheless, she’s my boss, and the principal, so I have no choice.

Worse of all, I can run into my sister, who will either talk about someone I should be set up with for her upcoming engagement party, or the upcoming wedding itself.

I round the last corner and come to a halt. My good mood instantly turns to dread as I spot Brittney St. James approaching from the opposite direction. If there’s anyone, out of all the aforementioned people I want to stay far away from, it’s her.

She’s attractive, with long blonde hair, blue eyes, and yeah, a great body, but I’ve come to learn what my type is, and she has deep, beautiful brown eyes and a sweet smile.

Brittney and I kissed when she first started working here last year. Well, to be fair,
she
kissed
me
, and I practically and stupidly moaned a name that wasn’t hers. It’s been weird ever since to say the least, and now she won’t leave me alone.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I glance down at the caller ID. My dumbass smile is back in full swing when I see who it is.

“Hey stranger!” I wince, looking up as I answer. My excitement got the best of me, and fuck me, Brittney has now spotted me too.

“Hi,” Luci sounds surprised. “I thought you might be in class now.”

“Is that why you called?” I joke. “You were hoping I wouldn’t answer?” I look towards Brittney, pointing to my phone, shrugging out a fake disappointment.

Thank you, Luci!

“No! Not at all!” She jumps. “I just felt bad about last night. That I didn’t call you back.”

I walk a little faster as I turn around and head back to my office, still smiling like the idiot I am. Screw getting the mail, I’d rather talk to her.

“Your sister keeps asking how our date went,” I whisper. “But before you jump down my throat you should know I told her it wasn’t a date.”

I have to be careful with what I say to her. I don’t dare ruin anything that could possible still happen between us, and I truly believe that a lot could still happen.

“I told her I think it went as well as a get together between good friends could go.” I shut my office door behind me.

She laughs, and just hearing her voice in this very room…
fuck
. I’m suddenly as hard as a rock.

“So that’s why it took you a week to call me?” She laughs, and I smile to myself, attempting to ignore the twitch in my pants. She’s so damn cute. How a bastard like me ever had a chance with someone like her, I’ll never know.

“You had my number too, you know,” I point out. “And I thought since it wasn’t a date I didn’t have that next day time limit.” She laughs again, and that sound! “Or maybe I didn’t want to overwhelm you,” I admit. “Baby steps.”

“Baby steps,” she giggles. “There are no baby steps to being friends.”

Light wind on her end rushes into the phone, and it’s not fair of me to feel crushed whenever she says friends, but fuck it, I am.

“What can I do to make you not hate me?” My voice is low and pleading. “Tell me and I’ll do it.”

“I… I don’t know,” she sighs. “You broke my heart.”

Just leave the machete in me. I know I deserve to hear that every day for all of eternity, but I had reasons for everything I did. Not to mention, she was only eighteen!

“I let you live life the way things were supposed to be,” my voice trails off.

I don’t even think about how to continue that mantra. I’m selfish. It’s who I am, and I can admit that to a fault. Plain and simple, I’m a selfish son of a bitch for wanting Luci Cunningham the way I do.

“You broke my heart,” she repeats.

“Let me fix it,” I whisper.

“I… can’t,” she sighs.

I take a deep breath, moving the phone to my left hand as I pull at my forehead.

“Do you wish when I saw you coming out of the office I walked away?” I don’t realize I’m not breathing until I hear her voice.

“No,” she answers. “It was good to-”

“Please don’t say get closure,” I interrupt.

“I was going to say it was good to see you,” she lets out a small laugh, and so do I, although mine is more a sigh of relief than anything else.

The bell rings, and I all but groan over the fact that I have to hang up. “Can I call you later?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” her voice saddens. “I don’t know if I can do this talking to you every day thing.”

“I understand.”

We hang up, and I reluctantly head to my classroom.

After school, I go for my usual run around town. I’m dressed in shorts and a sweatshirt, and my shoes slush against the melting snow while I attempt to ignore the crazy stares. Honestly though, everyone really should be used to this by now. I do it almost every day, and yes, even in the winter.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I fish it out without losing any speed.

Deb wants to know if I want to come over for dinner, and I type back hell yes. Anything is better than another frozen meal, or a failed attempt at cooking anything edible.

I finish my run before hopping into a hot shower, and before I know it, I’m pulling into the driveway of Deb’s small cottage home, parking right behind Matt’s expensive car that doesn’t belong.

I never gave back my key from when I lived here, and it’s halfway in the lock when the door suddenly opens.

“That’s it, I cancelling the wedding!” Deb shrieks.

“Come on, Mom and Dad can’t be that bad.” I walk inside and my mouth starts to water, already smelling the food.

“They want to throw the engagement party at the club,” she sighs. “If I
have
to have one, I want it to be small! Not something at their country club!”

“Well-” I interject, but it’s no use.

“She keeps calling me about china patterns and orchids,” she yells. “I didn’t even know what type of flower an orchid was until yesterday!”

“Well-” I try again, but am at a loss.

“I want to invite people from the school without giving off the impression that my parents are members of a place that costs $60,000 a year just to join! That’s more than most of these people make in an entire year,” she heaves. “It’s not me!”

“Well…” I cough. “You do know your fiancé is driving around in a $100,000 car, right?”

“Ugh!” She throws her hands up while storming into the kitchen. I follow her, shaking the hand of my childhood best friend, and her fiancé, Matt. It’s still extremely odd to think that he
likes
my sister, my annoying, bothersome sister. After all the years we tried to avoid her.

“What’s up?” Matt nods in my direction. “Did you ever finish that tile you were doing in your bathroom?”

“Yeah,” I laugh. “No thanks to you, asshole.”

“These hands are used for typing up court cases, not manual labor,” he holds them up.

“How are you going to survive here?” I shake my head.

“I do what I do for love,” he smiles at Deb, and I already feel queasy. “Maybe if you did the same, Holly would still be around.”

“Hey now,” Deb interrupts. “Both of you. Matt, that wasn’t nice, or fair.”

“I’m sorry,” Matt apologizes to Deb before turning to me. “That wasn’t right. I was just trying to be funny.”

“It’s not a big deal,” I wave it off, not caring.

“It is!” Deb howls. “She basically cheated on him!”

“We were going through a divorce,” I correct her.

“Yeah man, but she did claim a kid was yours when it wasn’t,” Matt shakes his head. “That’s so fucked up. It’s not the Holly we knew.”

“I still say I bet it was her parents,” Deb sighs. “Parents are evil.”

“Babe, it’s gonna be okay,” Matt kisses her, and I cringe.

“Honestly, we both grew into very different people,” I explain, trying to ignore their tongues. “Okay, please wait until I leave,” I cover my eyes.

“Grow up, Josh,” Deb shoves me. “And by the way, Mom and Dad want me to invite Holly
and
her parents to the engagement party, so maybe you can call them and let them know what a bad idea this whole thing is!”

“I’m not getting involved,” I hold my hands up.

“Fine,” Deb sighs before pausing. “So I want to tell you about Lisa Caraway.”

“Why does that name sound familiar?” I look at them both questioningly.

“We went to high school with her,” Matt says, making a face, just as Deb swats him.

“She’s in New York now!” She jumps excitedly. “And she would love to reconnect if you’re not doing anything this weekend.”

“Deb,” I groan. “You have got to stop this. I’m not interested.”

“You need to start dating again!”

“I am,” I cough. “I just went on one this weekend.”

“You did?!” She shrieks. “With whom? Do I know her?”

“It’s… new?” I’m flying off the seat of my pants here. I probably shouldn’t have even said anything, since Luci made it clear what we went on wasn’t a date.

“So when’s dinner?” I attempt to change the subject, but can already tell Deb isn’t going to let this go easily.

When I arrive back at my apartment, I head straight to bed. I love my sister to death, but she’s exhausting. Plus, six am comes quickly. I undress, getting under the covers, and stare at the ceiling.

By midnight, I’m still looking at the same damn spot, unable to sleep. I’m tossing and turning, feeling uneasy from what Luci said about not wanting to talk often. This whole time I really thought once we saw each other again it would be as if nothing came between us. I know it’s ridiculous and unfair for me to think that, after what I did and all, but we’ve always had this unexplainable bond. We belong together, and now she has a boyfriend?

I turn over again, angrily.

I never pictured
her
moving on because
I
never moved on. Yet she was pretty clear that we only have a chance at being friends. She has to still feel more. How can she not?

By two am, I can’t take it anymore. Against my better judgment, I find myself reaching towards my nightstand and grabbing my phone.

Her name appears on the screen, and before I think any better, my thumbs are pressing away at a text.

I have to know… did you ever regret what we did?

Her answer is immediate, but short.

No.

It’s all I need to finally sleep soundly tonight.

~*~*~*~*~

The next few days pass slowly, and I’m thankful for when Friday arrives. I haven’t heard anything from Luci, nor have I called her. I’m a wreck about it, but that’s nothing new.

I debate visiting my parents in Tarrytown, just to get away, since everything around here reminds me of her. Hell, I even contemplate calling up one of my recent hookups - there’s Tara, Samantha, hell, even Victoria, but that usually makes things worse; I merely long for the real thing.

I unlock my office door, and the sound echoes loudly into the empty halls. I usually don’t come in this early, because doing so always reminds me of her - of the days she couldn’t wait to see me and would get here unreasonably early too. It was like an unspoken pledge between us, and as the days flew, the hour got earlier and earlier. We never arranged for it - it just happened. I smile to myself at the memories as I shut the door behind me.

Reconciling with Luci isn’t going nearly as well as I had hoped. Of course all my hopes were unrealistic, but one can dream.

I close my eyes and play out the reunion I always pictured. The one where she runs into my arms and our lips meet, and it’s like heaven on earth as I hold her and we kiss.

I pick up my phone without thinking, seeing Victoria’s name a few numbers down, but I press on Luci’s instead.

“I wanted to apologize for the other day,” I say before she even gets out a hello. “I said friends and I crossed a line. It’s my fault things are like this, and I have to deal with it.”