Beautifully Broken (9 page)

I couldn’t bring myself to
move any closer. I could hear Gray and his mother a few feet behind me, talking
about random nonsense, oblivious to my tiny melt down. My heart rate shot
through the roof, and my breathing became rapid. I clutched the flowers to my
chest that felt like it was being strangled. I tried to take deep breaths, but
nothing was helping. The panic was quickly escalating and I didn’t know what to
do.

I fell to my knees, steadying
myself with my hands flat on the ground. Seconds later, Gray and his mother
were at my side. Gray wrapped me in his arms tightly. With the slow movement of
his hands across my back, I began to catch my breath. I was embarrassed and
ashamed of my actions. I needed to be stronger than this. I needed Gray to know
that I could be strong, for both of us.

My knuckles were white from
clutching his jacket in my hands. My erratic breathing slowed and my hands
finally gave a little. Gray pulled my face away from his collar, brushing the
hair from my eyes. He lightly pressed his lips to mine. “You’ll be okay. I
promise, I will stay by your side until you’re ready to be alone. Okay?” I
nodded my head in agreement as he pulled me into a standing position. My knees
felt weak under my weight, but I was determined to make it the next few feet.

Gray gripped my hand tightly
in his. He walked the few steps we had left and stopped in front of the conjoined
headstone. I curiously glanced up and let out the breath I was holding in.

Their headstone was
absolutely beautiful. I know it sounds a bit demented but it was amazing. The
whole thing was a beautifully carved marble slate. Our last name was etched in
the middle with lilies along both sides, trailing down around the engraved
pictures of my parents. I didn’t have to worry about the details when they had
died. My parents had left everything in their will, to their exact
specifications. I could only guess that they knew I wouldn’t be able to deal
with all of it, if I was the one to have to bury them. I did however; pick the
picture of each of them that would be etched into the marble.

I had chosen my absolute
favorite of both of them. The one of my mother was on the last Mother’s Day I
had gotten to spend with her. We went to a quaint bistro at a beautiful rose
garden. I planned the whole day myself. We ate and spent hours wandering around
looking at the expansive roses. When we came across the sterling roses, my
favorite, my mom said that they had taken her breath away. She told me that
they represented my beauty perfectly, unique and timeless. I snapped a picture
a moment later; she was smiling holding the rose in her hand and looking
directly at me.

I smiled at the memory
fondly and the heaviness in my chest began to disappear. I looked over at Gray
and his mother to let them know I would be okay on my own. Gray wouldn’t budge
from his standing position by my side. His mother gave a small tug at his arm
and he kissed the top of my head, before turning to walk to where his father
lay. I bent down to make sure the grass was dry before I continued to sit on
it. I leaned forward and ran my fingers across the picture of my mother, but
stopped when I reached my father’s.

His picture was from
Christmas Day, the year before. My mother had bought us all matching sweaters.
Not the gaudy sweaters that grandparents buy you, with a ridiculous reindeer or
snowman on them. These sweaters were from Express. We had wanted them for family
pictures, my father and I but my mother refused. We were beyond excited when we
received them for Christmas.

My Father’s was navy blue
and gray pinstripes exactly like my mothers, while mine was a pink, grey and
navy blue pin striped V-neck. They were beautiful. That morning my father and I
insisted on retaking our family pictures, from the previous month. My mother
happily obliged. I tried to take a candid shot of my father putting a fallen
ornament back on the tree, but he turned at the last second with an enormous
smile on his face. I simply rolled my eyes and kissed my father on the nose
before heading into the kitchen to help with the turkey.

I chuckled to myself at the
thought of that very memory. It had been the best Christmas I had or would ever
have. I slid my finger across my father’s picture before placing the flowers
underneath. I sat back on my feet not knowing what to do or say. I had always
seen people talk to their loved ones while visiting, but it felt ridiculous to
me. I couldn’t quite grasp, how talking to a piece of marble would make me feel
better.

I glanced beyond the next
hill of grass and caught sight of Gray and his mother. Both looked unbelievably
happy. There were no tears falling down either of their cheeks. I turned back to
my parents, deciding that I needed to at least try to talk to them. Even if
they couldn’t hear me, I knew I could and that made me feel better. I sighed
before beginning. I glanced in every direction to make sure no one else could
hear me.

“I’m not quite sure what to
say. I hope you guys can hear me, but even if you can’t I think you’ll get the
message. I miss you guys terribly.” I could feel the tears welling up, but this
time I just let them fall. “Not too much has been going on since you left. I graduated
from high school. I hope you got to see it. I was the valedictorian. I think I
gave a pretty decent speech, but Gray teased me mercilessly afterwards.
Something about how it was too cheesy for his taste.” I let out a small laugh.

“Hannah and I didn’t talk
for a while during the summer, but we’re fine now. Gray and I
finally
decided to give our relationship a chance. Of course, we decided to do
this right before he is about to leave for the police academy in Virginia. That
should make the two of you happy. I know how much you both loved him. It’s hard
though. I’m finding it even harder now than when you guys first left me. I
haven’t changed a single thing in the house. I know how mom loved everything
just the way it was. Oh, I start classes next week.”

“I’m going to stay at home
while I attend. I’m not sure how I am going to deal with Gray leaving right
now. We just started dating, and now he has to leave for twenty-two weeks. I
know that if our love is true, we will make it work, but I’m scared. I’m so
afraid that he will realize that he deserves someone better than me. Someone
who wasn’t completely and emotionally broken. I just want to make him happy,
and that’s hard to do when he is that far away.”

“I miss you guys more each
and everyday. All the things that happen, I just want to share with you. I want
you to be here to share in all of my joy and sorrow. I love you guys more than
ever. Be kind to one another and I promise I will be back to visit. Don’t
forget about me.” I wiped the stray tear from my face with the back of my hand.
I kissed my fingers and pressed them firmly against the headstone. As I stood
to find Gray and his mother, his hand pressed against my lower back.

He pulled me into a soft
embrace, kissing the top of my head. “You are more than I deserve, Bennett. You
make me the happiest I have ever been. Don’t ever doubt that, not for one
minute. Your parents will never forget you. They are looking down on you at
this very moment with nothing but pride and love for you. Can’t you feel it?”

I nodded and tilted my head
back to look into his sparkling blue eyes. “Don’t break my heart Gray, please!”

He shook his head and
whispered “never” as I pressed my lips against his. He stood there and held me
for a few more minutes, before we headed back to the car. His mother had
already taken her place in the passenger seat. Gray and I smiled at each other
before releasing our hands from one another. They weren’t our fake emotionless
smiles from earlier. No, these smiles lit up our eyes like the Fourth of July
and mine stayed there across my face the whole car ride home.

“Ow Baby! What do you want?”
His hands flew up to protect his face from another assault.

“Turn off the alarm, GRAY!
Did you seriously not hear it the seventeen times it went off before?” I was
already ornery and I was barely waking up. Gray’s alarm had been going off
since 5:30am, and I was at my wit's end with the racket it was making. I rolled
over towards my bedroom window, purposely taking the comforter with me. If I
had to be awake, so did he.

Gray tugged on the comforter
hard enough to roll me over near him. “Are you seriously pouting already?” He
smirked.

“No! I just don’t like
having to hear your alarm a million times when you sleep right through it. Its
not fair.” I stuck my tongue out while crawling over him, making my way to the
bathroom.

“Oh no you don’t, little
lady.” Both of his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me onto his chest.
“Where do you think you’re going?” He briefly touched his lips to mine.

I pulled back worried about
my morning breath. “I was going to go use the facilities and brush my teeth. Is
that okay with you, Dad?” I pushed myself up with my palms flat on his chest.

He snatched my wrist as I
stood. “If I said no, would you stay in bed with me?” His eyes were pleading
with me not to leave. I was weak when it came to those hypnotizing blue eyes,
and I caved.

“I’ll stay for a few more
minutes.” I crawled back over the top of him and snuggled my nose into the
crook of his neck. He smelled amazing, even first thing in the morning. How did
I get so lucky? Gray slowly ran his fingers up and down my spine, while I
breathed him in. I didn’t want to forget his smell. It would be too long before
I could smell him again.

We lay unmoving for at least
another twenty minutes when my stomach started to growl, loudly. I shrugged it
off to not eating a whole lot the day before, but it quickly worked its way up
my throat. I clamped my hands over my mouth, bolting for the bathroom. I had
barely gotten the toilet seat up before my body started heaving. Gray was
instantly at my side, holding back my hair and rubbing my back.

“Baby are you okay?” He
whispered.

I grabbed some toilet paper
and wiped my mouth before answering him. “I’m fine. I didn’t eat very much
yesterday. I’m sure my body is just upset with me.” I gave him a halfhearted
smile. He swept the stray strands of hair back that started to stick to the
sheen of sweat that had built on my forehead. I stood to rinse my mouth with
water.

“I feel bad leaving you when
you’re sick.” He brushed my hair to the side planting small kisses along my
neck.

“Gray you have to go. You
don’t have a choice. I’ll be fine, I promise.” I turned and kissed the tip of
his nose before heading out to the kitchen. I started to brew a cup of coffee.
The aroma was the sweetest smell. My lips turned up in a smile. There wasn’t
much in the way of food at my house, so I told Gray we would have to stop by
Starbucks for a muffin on our way to the airport.

I watched the illuminated
numbers on the dash of my car, as we grew closer to the airport. It was only
six in the morning but everybody seemed to be on the road, going who knows
where at this hour. My stomach was suddenly extremely nervous. It felt like a
thousand butterflies taking flight. I tried to swallow the lump that was
growing in my throat. I couldn’t tell if I was going to be sick or pass out,
but one of them was more than likely to happen in the next couple of seconds.

“Gray pull over quick.” I
screamed. The car hit the gravel on the shoulder of the highway and I flew out
of the car before Gray could even put it in park.

I heaved the non-existent
contents of my stomach on the side of the highway. Great, this is so not how I
wanted this day to go. I slid back into the passenger seat after I was finished
leaving my stomach on the side of the road, Gray ran his hand back through my
hair. His look was one of disapproval, but he continued driving the last ten
miles to the airport without saying a word.

I held my breath as the car
inched closer to the departure drop off zone. “You don’t want me to go in with
you?” I was starting to panic. I didn’t know I was going to have to say my
good-byes in a fast fashion. “Gray are you serious right now?” My voice raised
an octave higher than normal.

His hand rested on my knee
as he pulled up to the curb. “Baby, I think it’s best if we do it this way. I
don’t want to make this any harder on you than it already is.” His eyes refused
to look at me. He was being a coward.

“This isn’t about me. You
just don’t want to feel any guiltier than you already do. I can’t believe you.
This is how you really want to leave things? You are an ass Gray Elliot Weston,
a giant ass.” I pushed open the passenger door and slammed it shut with
everything I had in me. I stood in front of the hood of my car, staring at Gray
through the windshield with my hands on my hips. He hadn’t gotten out of the
car yet and I was now fuming while he was trying to ignore me.