Beautifully Unbroken (7 page)

I shook my head. “There’s no way I’m going to go running to him after everything that has happened.”

“Well, for someone who doesn’t care, you certainly seem to be asking a lot of questions.”

I spent the better part of Friday morning listening to Casey’s constant panic. She had so far that day lost her favourite bikini, her hair straighteners, and her iPod, and Alex was due here to pick her up in the next ten minutes.

“How can I go to Vegas without my iPod? I just can’t!” she yelled. “It’s okay; I’ve found it,” she yelled again before I had a chance to reply.

“Maybe if you looked after your things, you wouldn’t be in such a panic now.”

“Okay, Mom,” she replied as she pulled her huge case through to the lounge, causing me to burst out laughing.

“You’re only going for two nights; what the hell is in that case?”

“Essentials,” she answered excitedly.

On cue, Alex entered the apartment and called out to Casey before spotting her in the lounge.

“Travelling light?” he said, eying her case with wide eyes. She walked over and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a massive, long kiss.

“Hey there,” Alex said sounding like a love-struck teenager.

“Hey there yourself,” Casey replied.

“Uurrgghh. Get out of here, you two, before I throw up,” I mocked.

“Hey Jo,” Alex greeted me shyly.

I loved Alex. He was nothing like the way he appeared on the outside. To look at him you would imagine the toughest man on the earth, with his bulging biceps and buzz cut, but he was one of the most caring, sensitive men I had ever met.

“Are you gonna be okay? I hate leaving you like this,” Casey said.

I looked down at my clothes. “Would you rather I dressed up to wave you off?”

“You know what I mean.” She tilted her head sympathetically.

“Look, I have a bubble bath with my name on it waiting in there. I then intend to indulge in a box set of zombie films whilst drinking wine and eating my meal for one. I’m going to be just fine. Now get out of here before I have you physically removed by Peter.”

I headed past them both and opened the door.

“See you Sunday.” Casey wrapped her arms around me and whispered into my ear, “Call him.”

I loosed her and narrowed my eyes at her. “Don’t go getting drunk, okay?”

“Am I ever gonna live that down?”

I scrunched my nose and thought for a moment. “Doubt it.”

It was actually nice to have the apartment to myself. I enjoyed a long soak in the bath, surrounded by candles as Ellie Goulding’s voice floated through the apartment. I had also by now almost memorized every line of the practice scripts that had been sent to me only a few days prior. For the first time in a while, I felt relaxed and peaceful, and I had managed to not think about Blake for at least the past ten minutes.

The phone rang just as I stepped out of the bath, and I was surprised to see Mum’s name pop up, as it was after midnight back home.

“Mum?”

“Don’t panic, Josephine; everything is fine.” Her voice sounded calm and smooth for the first time in so long.

“Why are you still awake? It’s late.” I grabbed my robe and quickly tied it at the side before making my way to the kitchen and pouring myself a large glass of wine.

“You know I don’t sleep much, and I knew you were alone. Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“You’re checking up on me.” I smiled as I took a large gulp of wine. It tingled in my belly as it went down.

“Well, with Casey away …” She trailed off.

I smiled. “I’m a big girl now, Mum.”

“But to me you will always be my baby girl.”

My heart tightened with love for my mum in that moment; she was the bravest person I knew, and yet she spent her whole life worrying about everyone else. “I miss you so much, Mum.” I sucked in a deep breath to stop the tears from flowing; I didn’t want to show Mum I was upset when I was so far away from her.

“I miss you too, darling.”

“Is everyone looking after you?” I knew Uncle Anthony had promised me that Mum would never be alone, but I wanted to hear her tell me.

“They won’t leave me be, dear.” She said this so quietly, as though they could all hear every word she was saying. I giggled.

“Ah and I have some wonderful news. Well, two lots actually.”

“I love good news.” I smiled, poking a fork into the plastic wrapper on my meal for one.

“Are you having one of those horrid microwave meals for your dinner?” I could hear the disgust in her voice. “You need to eat properly, darling; those meals are no good for you whatsoever.” I rolled my eyes. “And don’t roll your eyes at me.”

“How did you—”

“Mother knows everything, dear.” I heard the amusement in her voice, and we both chuckled.

“Come on, then, tell me the good news.”

“Your cousin Jemma called earlier; they are expecting a baby in December.”

“Wow, that’s amazing! I’ll have to call her; they’ve kept that quiet.”

“They wanted to make sure all was okay. She said they have been trying for a few years now. They almost gave up, bless them.”

“That’s fantastic. I couldn’t be happier for them. Now, how is the second news going to top that?”

“I’ve decided to go back to work next week.”

“What! Mum, it is way too soon for that; don’t you dare.”

“Darling, it is driving me insane being cooped up here. I need normality, I need to be around different people, I need to get lost in character, give my mind a rest from thinking. You understand that, don’t you?”

I did. Getting back into acting was helping me forget everything in the real world. Even for just those few moments, it definitely helped.

“I understand, Mum. But if it gets too much—”

“I know,” she interrupted, “if it gets too much, I’ll step back. Don’t you worry about me. Now, have you seen that boy of yours yet?”

“Yep, and don’t get excited because things are over before they even started.”

“Oh darling, why?”

“It’s just … complicated.”

“You have gone and pushed him away, haven’t you.” I heard her sigh. “Josephine, the way you spoke to me about him, I thought he could have been the best thing to happen to you in so long.”

“Yes, well, things are never as they seem, are they.”

Mum started speaking – actually nagging me – about Blake and my insecurities, but a knock at the door interrupted my telling off. “Just a second, Mum, there’s someone at the door.”

She continued, however, to rant about how I will end up old and alone if I continue to push those away who want to be with me. I listened and rolled my eyes at her as I made my way to the door.

My chin almost hit the floor as I opened the door to Blake.

“Hi,” he said nervously as he stood in the hallway, hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels.

“Mum, I’m going to have to call you back,” I said.

I heard Mum gasp. “He’s there, isn’t he?” I couldn’t reply. “Don’t you go messing this up, darling; don’t you keep pushing him away, do you hear me?”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Mum; I love you.” I hung up the phone without taking my eyes from Blake. He was here, standing in the hallway outside my apartment.

“Is your mom okay?” He removed his hands from his pockets and looked at his watch. “It’s late in London.”

“She doesn’t sleep much and likes to keep an eye on me.” I realized I was standing there in only my robe. I pulled it closer together and tightened the belt. “Especially with Casey and Alex away.”

“Of course. Vegas.”              

An awkward silence quickly formed as I realized that Blake was still standing on the outside of the apartment.

“Can we talk, please?”

“Did we not say everything we had to say on Monday?”

“I didn’t,” he said carefully. With each word he spoke, I felt my heart breaking just a little more. God, he was beautiful; I could never forget just how much, but every time he stood in front of me, I would notice it even more.

“Come in.” I stepped back to give him access to the apartment. His scent hit me as he passed by, sending shockwaves straight between my thighs. How did he always manage that with just his scent? It had always taken at least a good kiss from someone to really get me going, but with Blake, just his presence, his voice, and even just his scent could drive me crazy and make me want to rip his clothes off and make love to him over and over again.

I closed the door, realizing I had been standing there drooling over him while he had made his way through to the kitchen. I quickly followed behind.

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

I smiled nervously. “No, nothing.” I swept past him and placed my box meal back into the fridge. “Can I get you a glass of wine?” I offered without turning to face him.

“Wine would be good, thank you.”

I poured Blake a glass of wine and handed it to him before taking a longer-than-necessary sip from mine.

The silence was back again. Blake leaned casually against the counter as I stood across from him leaning against the breakfast bar, more so to stop my legs from giving in and falling from beneath me.

“It’s all over with Sara,” Blake announced.

“I thought there was nothing there to even finish.” I placed my glass down beside me before looking back to him. My whole body had started to shake and I didn’t want to be picking up broken glass right now.

“There wasn’t. But she seemed to be oblivious to that fact. Now she knows that there is nothing, there never was, and never will be, just one stupid reckless night that will haunt me for the rest of my life because it stopped me from getting what I really wanted, and what I needed … you.”

My heart began to pound against my chest. Every time he spoke, the throb between my thighs thickened. I wanted so hard to resist him, but I too really wanted him and needed him.

He placed his glass down and closed the gap between us but was careful not to touch me. I wanted him to touch me, desperately. But he wouldn’t; I could tell that he was being wary of my reactions to him. He seemed scared that at any minute I would tell him to get the hell out of there and leave me alone.

“I am never going to be able to show you how sorry I truly am for what I did. There are no excuses and no reason that any of it could ever be justified as acceptable. But every single minute of every single day since sleeping with Sara has been torture. I wish that somehow I could make it all go away, I wish that you had found me at the party, I wish that I had been the one who was there for you, not him,” he said with a hint of venom.

“His name is Cooper,” I replied “and at the moment I am thankful that I have someone like him in my life; he has been my rock, Blake, my friend. Don’t blame him for any of this; don’t you dare.” I stood up straight, my legs working hard to support me.

Blake ran a hand through his wavy dark hair and turned away from me for a moment before his eyes rested again on mine. “What do I need to do to make this all okay?”

“The damage is done, Blake. How could I ever trust that you wouldn’t go running off to someone for meaningless sex when things got tough between us? I can’t trust you, and one thing I do need in a relationship is trust.” My voice was barely audible as tears welled in my eyes.

“You can trust me, Jo; it was a mistake. People make mistakes all the time, and yes I’ve made one. I made the biggest mistake of my life the night I got into bed with Sara.” He closed the gap between us, and his hands cupped my face. “I have never felt for anyone the way that I feel about you.” his thumbs stroked my cheeks gently. “I have never wanted to be loved by anyone the way I want to be loved by you. I don’t think I am capable of walking away from you again, Jo; you are the first thing that I think about the very moment I open my eyes every single morning, and the last thing that I think about before I finally go to sleep. Please don’t ask me to walk away again. Please.” He rested his head against mine, his cool breath the only thing that separated our mouths.

“I want to believe you,” I whispered, “and I want to trust you too.” I choked back a sob.

“I will make you believe me, and I will earn your trust; somehow I will, I swear. Please, Jo, I know that you’re scared. Believe me, I am petrified. I have never done this before; I don’t do relationships. I don’t know how to do this. But one thing that I do know is that I feel something for you that I know is worth fighting for.”

“I’m so scared,” I whispered as my lips brushed his slightly. “Please, Blake, please don’t ever hurt me.”

Relief flooded his face as a smile tugged on his lips; it was as though I had taken the weight from his shoulders and given him the world.

I, on the other hand, felt flooded with fear. I had held my barrier in place for so long now and had vowed that no man would ever break it down. However, not only was I unable to stop Blake from tearing every last strip from me, but I was also unable to ever try to keep away. He was a drug, and I needed him to help me function. And as much as I found it hard to trust a man again, he had drawn me in like a moth to the flame, irresistible to resist. Even though I knew I could end up burning to the ground, I no longer cared.