Because You Exist (21 page)

Chapter 30

“I really need to talk to you,” I begged Jenna, who had her head peeked outside her front door. It was past curfew. She had always been a stickler for the rules. Most of the time. Except for the rules I made her break.

When I woke from the shift I was shaking so bad that my teeth were literally chattering. I didn’t think that was possible outside that weird as hell tent scene in that vampire movie Jenna made me see over the summer. Apparently, some men found that kind of thing sexy. Something about the damsel in distress.

My uncle didn’t say anything to me when I came to, and I wasn’t prepared to talk to him. Too many things had changed in that afternoon for me to be able to go back and pretend I understood a damn thing about the man who raised me. I wasn’t even sure how to talk to him.

I needed time to think.

So, I drove and drove until my car found its way to Jenna’s.

The girl I cheated on.

Sure, I didn’t have sex with Jo. And I hadn’t even begun to make sense of what happened between us, but I knew I’d betrayed Jenna. The first girl to ever love me.

Jenna shot another glance back into her house, no doubt calculating if she could get away with stepping outside for a few minutes before SportsCenter went to commercial. Either she felt she had plenty of time or saw how I desperate I was because Jenna stepped out her door and closed it quietly behind her.

Jenna looked up at me, wrapping her arms around her to protect her from the chilly fall evening. I scrambled to get my jacket off and handed it to her. I couldn’t bear to sit there and watch her shiver.

“Is Jo all right?” she asked quietly as she slipped on my jacket.

I swallowed and looked down. I didn’t deserve to look at her.

“I heard about the fight with Alec. I heard she went crazy,” she continued.

I nodded, running a hand over my eyes. I took a deep breath and looked up quickly at Jenna. She was so bright. So soft. Everything Jo wasn’t. Everything I was about to give up. I swallowed again.

Jenna took a step towards me and took my hand. “What is it, Logan?”

My heart skipped a beat. I could hear the worry in her voice. God. This girl worried about Jo. Worried about me. Hell, she probably called Alec to make sure he was all right. How could I hurt the girl who didn’t know how to hurt?

Jenna wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her head against my chest. “Won’t you tell me, Logan? You’ve been so distant lately. I miss you.”

I felt my eyes start to sting. I blinked a few times to clear them. Jenna moved her head so her chin was resting on my chest and her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, looked up at me. I saw a thousand different memories in that moment. Memories that had nothing to do with Jo. Memories that had nothing to do with shifting and the end of times. Back when my life was still my life.

I cupped her face in my hands and gently pressed my lips against hers. I didn’t feel the same heat overtake my body as I did with Jo. But I felt something different. I felt peace. I felt the place I’d always know and understand.

And there is something supremely beautiful about that.

“Let’s go somewhere,” she whispered to me.

I raised an eyebrow, keeping her in my arms. I couldn’t escape the feeling that the minute I’d let her go she would be gone forever. “That’s not exactly following the rules, Jenna.”

She smiled slightly. “I don’t care tonight. I just want to be with you. We haven’t had a lot of time just for us.”

She meant because of Jo. I’d forced Jo into our lives. I’d let whatever I had with her destroy what I had with the girl in front of me. “Let’s go.”

Half an hour later, we were in my car making out. We had parked on one of Chesapeake’s country roads. I knew we were getting close to that line. The line that separated fondling and dry humping in the back of a rent a car and something else. Something that’d always been more intimate than I expected it to be.

Half of our clothes were already off. The windows fogged up from the heat we were producing. We hadn’t talked much since leaving her house. It was mostly a chorus of mouths and hands. I moved my hand up her back to the clasp of her bra. “We don’t have to do this tonight,” I said gently.

She shook her head. “I want to do this.”

It was wrong.

Everything about it was wrong.

But the more I kissed her, the more I wasn’t willing to give her up.

Whatever happened with Jo happened in the future. It didn’t matter that when I shifted that time became my present. It hadn’t happened yet for Jo. And so somehow I convinced myself I was protecting them both. Jo had Ben. I had Jenna. That’s how things were supposed to be. That’s what made sense. And God, I needed something to make sense right now.

Besides, how did I know what happened with Jo wasn’t what they convinced me to feel. They’d been pulling the strings so long that I’d have to start questioning what decisions in my life had been mine and what had been theirs.

If I felt something for Jo it was more than likely I felt it because they told me to feel it. Not because I chose it.

Free will.

Fate.

I wasn’t sure which one I believed in yet.

I was too damn young to decide.

As I pulled Jenna on top of me, I realized I’d been wrong. Jenna had trusted me. Always. It was just I never trusted her trust in me.

Probably because I didn’t deserve it.

But I’d make it up to her. I swear I would.

Chapter 31

“If you text me one more time, I’m gonna call the police and report you as a stalker,” I directed towards Alec as I walked into the locker room.

Alec looked like crap.

Like he got the living shit beat out of him by a girl. A really strong girl. An Amazon girl.

I couldn’t help but grin. “Nice face,” I said, nodding towards the symphony of bruises and cuts that marked him.

“Just sit down, Middleton,” Alec growled.

“Someone’s in a bad mood,” I teased, taking a seat on one of the benches. I looked over at my teammates, the entire football team, who had been called to this secret, late night meeting. “Anyone want to tell me what’s up? If we’re about to start some secret society or anything, count me out. Not really into another guy paddling my ass.”

“We’re here because something needs to be done about your girlfriend,” Alec hissed. I heard a few members of the mob agree.

“Who? Jenna? What is she not perky enough on the field for you? I keep telling her she’s needs to work on her Russians. I’ll be happy to help her stretch beforehand,” I replied. I had to admit. It felt kinda good being back with the team and joking around.

Anything to feel normal.

I needed to feel normal.

I needed to feel human.

Alec slammed his hand against the locker. “No! Your other girlfriend, Middleton. The cunt who freaked out on me.”

“Watch your mouth,” I warned.

“You can’t be defending her, Logan,” Brent charged, standing up and pointing a finger in my face.

“Shut up, Brent. When I play in Friday’s game you’ll be back to second string. So, you best remember your place,” I snapped. Brent’s face turned red and he sat back down.

“You really are a dick, Middleton. How can you sit there and defend that thing? How do you think this all makes Jenna feel? Or have you stopped caring about her altogether?” Alec asked with what seemed like genuine concern.

I stood up and walked over to Alec, bending over slightly and pushing my face in front of his. “You got a thing for my girlfriend, Alec?”

“Which one,” someone called out and the team laughed.

I threw my hands in the air and took a seat.

“The team has decided we’re going to have to do something about Scary,” Alec said, glaring right at me.

“What do you mean do something?” I asked, feeling my hands start to shake.

“I’m out for Friday’s game. You’re out. We might as well kiss the season and Sate goodbye. Do you know how many people that pisses off, Middleton?”

I grabbed at my ribs. “I’m playing on Friday,” I said through clenched teeth, hoping I could.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Sure thing, Superman. When we lose our chance at state they’ll blame her. They’ll blame you. You want that on you?”

No. I didn’t. I didn’t need any more conflict in my life. I sighed. “What were you planning?”

“We’re gonna pull a Stevens.”

I shot up from my seat, ready to add a few more cuts and bruises to Alec’s face. Maybe Jo had the right idea the whole time. Before I could get over to him, two of my teammates held me back.

We always did have a pretty good defense.

“Are you out of your mind?” I yelled.

“Just calm the hell down, Middleton! She deserves this. Something has to be done. The funny thing is we won’t get in a single lick of trouble. Even if we get caught. You know how much money the football program brings into this school?”

I tried to charge at Alec again but the boys held me back.

“Why the hell would you tell me this? You can’t be dumb enough to think I’d sit back and let it happen?” I asked, sweat falling down my forehead from the struggle.

Alec took a long time standing up but when he did he walked up to me. “You going to hit me, Middleton?”

I grinned. “Kind of want to buddy.”

Alec raised an eyebrow. We both knew the minute I hit him the entire team would be on me. I pushed air out from my clenched teeth. “No. I’m not going to hit you.” Alec nodded and my captors let me go.

Alec took a step towards me and leaned in to whisper into my ear. “I’m doing you a favor, Middleton. Do you know how bad we can make her life if we don’t do this? How bad we can make yours. You still have seven months left in this place. That’s a long time. We do this and no one will mess with her again.”

He was right. Part of the Stevens treatment is no one acknowledged or talked to you ever again. It’s not like many people talked to Jo now, but she would be protected from assholes like Alec because they wouldn’t be allowed to talk to her.

It would be better, in the end, than what she went through now. Right? Better than the stares and whispers? People wouldn’t even talk behind her back anymore.

It would be like she wouldn’t exist.

It would be a way to keep her safe.

It was the promise I’d made. I would make her life better here. The people around me weren’t good. I wasn’t good. Changing them was impossible. I couldn’t even change myself. I knew it would be good for me too, Jo not existing. Not mucking up my life here.

It was a way to keep it all separate.

The shifting.

Jo and Jenna.

I did it for myself, but I did it for her too.

She’d never see it like that. I know. The moment I agreed would be the moment I erased the future where we were together. No matter how much I felt when I kissed her, and I did feel, with my whole damn soul, it would be better for everyone this way.

I looked at Alec and nodded. “What do you need me to do?”

Chapter 32

“I could get in a lot of trouble for showing up here. You know, considering I’m suspended the next five days for beating up your friend,” Jo said, sauntering up to the front of the school building where I had texted her to meet me.

The fact that she was meeting me at all let me know things maybe weren’t as bad as they seemed. But it didn’t really matter. I was about to make them worse.

For the greater good.

A quote from
LOST
I finally understood.

I cleared my throat. “You don’t have to sound so gleeful about it,” I replied.

Jo rolled her eyes, stopping in front of me. “I crave violence remember? It’s sort of my MO.”

We both fell silent.

“Your hands are pretty cut up,” I commented.

She frowned and stuck her hands inside her pockets. “I’m fine,” she said, looking away from me. It was only then, when her eyes weren’t trained on mine, that I could truly look at her. Suddenly, my body flashed hot. I remembered the passion of our kiss, the endless possibilities it seemed to suggest. How much I still, despite knowing it was all orchestrated, wanted her.

God. I wanted her.

I cleared my throat. I didn’t have a lot of time, and there were some last things I needed to say to her. Before this world was forever ripped from our hands. “I found out something today.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” she asked, looking anywhere but at me.

“You’re not my sister.” Why this still mattered I wasn’t sure.

She looked up at me startled. “What do you mean?”

“My uncle. He’s involved, Jo. With the whole damn thing. I’m pretty sure he’s working with the Dark Men.”

Jo bit on her bottom lip and nodded. “That makes sense. That weird moment when he knew my name without you telling him.”

“I confronted him and he told me I wasn’t your brother. And you know they can’t lie. But you do have a twin out there, Jo. You do have family.”

She didn’t need me.

Jo took a weighty breath. She looked about as relieved as I felt when I heard the news. “Um. Good. I mean. Can you imagine us brother and sister?” she asked, forcing a short laugh, her face turning red.

I shook my head. No. No, I couldn’t.

“Is that why you made me meet you in front of the school in the middle of the night?” she asked.

“I just thought you might want to know,” I said.

“Well, where’s the parade? I’m sure you’re thrilled,” she said, looking around her in jest.

“What? What do you mean?” I asked, worried maybe she could somehow read on my face what had happened between us. She was always good at picking up on things.

“It’s just now when it’s over, you can walk away.”

“Not this again,” I replied, scratching the back of my head.

Time was almost up.

“Whatever, Logan. We done here?”

“Why were you picking up a pamphlet on birth control back at the hospital?” I blurted out.

Where the hell did that question come from?

Jo’s eyes went wide. Her mouth dropped opened. I’d never seen anyone turn the shade of red she was now turning.

I took a step towards her. I looked her straight in the eye. “You can’t be thinking of taking that step with Bentham. Not him, Jo. He’s not right for you,” I pleaded.

Jo brought a shaky hand up and ran it through her beautiful red hair. “I...I...It’s none of your business,” she stammered.

“Jo,” I said softly. I didn’t know what my argument was going to be. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. It just felt like whatever was coming was important.

Jo grabbed her hood and pulled it over her head. She looked down at her feet. “I...I didn’t get it because of Ben. I got it because—”

“Damn it! Not now!” I yelled as the hair on the right side of my arm began to stand up.

“Logan. We’re shifting.”

Great.