Beebo Brinker Chronicles 3 - Women In The Shadows (20 page)

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Laura saw Doctor Belden three days in a row, and it was unspeakably humiliating for her. But she endured it. By the time her appointment came due, she was too afraid for Jack not to go. But she prayed when she was alone, with big wild angry sobs, that the artificial insemination wouldn't work; that she was barren or Jack was sterile or the timing was off; any thing. And she felt a huge, breathtaking need for a woman that absolutely tortured her at night.

After her first examination with Belden she went out of the office to meet Jack and told him she was going to the Village.

"I don't know why I need to. I just do,” she said.

"Sure, sweetheart,” he said at last, standing facing her on the pavement outside the doctor's office. “Go. Only, come back."

"I will,” she said, near tears, and turned and almost ran from him. She couldn't bear to touch him, and it was painful even to look at him.

It was mid-day in the Village and mothers walked their babies in the park. Laura hurried past them. Old ladies strolled about in the unusually warm weather, dogs barked, and a few hardy would-be artists had set up shop in the empty pool at the center of Washington Square. A small crowd of students had gathered to offer encouragement and argue.

Laura walked quickly through the park to Fourth Street, and then she turned and walked west, not sure why. On the other side of Sixth Avenue she stopped and found a drugstore and went in for coffee.

I can't see Tris, she told, herself, playing nervously with her hands. I won't see Beebo. Or rather, Beebo won't see me. That's for sure. She tried to think of anything but what she had just been through, but it didn't work. It never does.

Just so it's normal, she thought angrily. I won't hate it but I couldn't stand an abnormal child. God, I've got to talk to somebody, somebody who doesn't know, who'll put it out of my mind. She thought of Inga then, but she couldn't remember her last name and she wasn't too sure where the girl lived. She had been too drunk that night.

And then, for no apparent reason, she thought of Lili. Beautiful, brazen Lili. At least Lili would talk. Laura wouldn't have to open her mouth. Maybe it would be better that way. She wouldn't betray any secrets to Beebo's old lover about her marriage. But Lili would be only too happy to tell Laura what had gone on between Beebo and Tris if only to see her squirm, and Laura was burning to know.

She went to the phone booth at the back of the store and looked up Lili. She was still listed, still in the same apartment on Greenwich Avenue. It was late afternoon by the time Laura got there. Lili would just be getting out of bed, if she followed the same habits she used to have.

Laura felt very tired and reluctant when she finally found the right building and the right button to press; afraid and a little ashamed. But she rang anyway, as if she had no will to stop herself. And when the answering ring came she went inside and walked up the stairs.

Lili, hanging over the bannister to see who was waking her up so early, saw her coming. Laura stopped on the first landing at her amazed, “Laura! Again! Are you a ghost?"

Laura gazed up, her long pale hair hanging defiantly free and her eyes blue-shadowed the way they were when she was tired or scared. Now she was a little of both.

"No, no ghost,” she said.

"I don't believe you. But come in anyway. I have the most divine friend who's a Medium. Where the hell have you been? I thought sure you'd come back, after you saw Beebo a couple of weeks ago.” She watched Laura mount the stairs as she spoke and took her by the arm when Laura reached her. “You look worn out, poor lamb,” she said. “I'll give you a drink. What do you want?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing!” It was an explosion, not a question. “God. Next you'll be telling me you've gone straight."

"I came to ask about Beebo,” Laura said.

"Oh,” said Lili knowledgeably. “I thought so.” She went about fixing Laura and herself a drink in spite of Laura's objections. “Well, lamb, what about her?"

"Are she and Tris living together?"

"Mercy, who told you that?” Lili turned to stare at her.

"A friend of mine."

"Your friend lies. They aren't living together and they never did. Oh, Tris spent the night with her a few times. You know how it is.” She laughed sociably, coming toward Laura with two filled glasses. “Here, lamb, I insist. It'll revive you. My doctor says—"

"Tell me about Tris and Beebo."

"Well,” Lili said, confidentially. “It was just an affair."

"What does that mean?” she said.

"It means when you can't get what you want you take what you can get,” Lili said archly.

"They saw each other all the time. Beebo even had Tris going into the gay bars. I know this, Lili, don't hide it,” Laura said.

"All right, all right,” Lili said soothingly. ‘Tris had to go to the gay bars to find Beebo, that's all. Beebo's never home. You know how she is. And she didn't chase Tris so Tris had to chase her."

Laura felt an ineffable lightening of the heart. Somehow, if it had to happen, that was the best way.

'Tris was nuts about her,” Lili said juicily. “She came over when she got back from Long Island last summer ... without you, if you recall."

"I recall."

"Yes. Well! Beebo was pretty low. You may remember that, too.” She looked at Laura sharply, and Laura looked at the floor and refused to answer. “Anyway, Tris fell into her arms and Beebo just caught her. I wish I could say that Beebo fell for her. I think it would have spared her some of the agony you inflicted on her.” So now it was out in the open. Lili spoke dramatically, but it wasn't all playacting. She had loved Beebo once, and she didn't like to see her hurt as Laura had hurt her.

The two females eyed each other, wary but curious, each eager to know what the other could tell her. Lili was ready to hurt Laura to find out. She had seen what happened to Beebo when Laura left her, and it was shocking. Laura didn't know about it, and to Lili it seemed as if she was nothing but a spoiled, headstrong little bitch who didn't care whom she hurt ... a little like Lili herself ten years before, and that made Lili even more critical.

If Laura were told how hard Beebo had taken it—how intensely she had suffered and torched for her—maybe it would touch her and make her sorry. Lili enjoyed the idea of Laura on her knees to Beebo, and Beebo kicking her out. For she knew what Laura did not—that Beebo was a different girl now. And to Lili's way of thinking it meant that Beebo would never take Laura back.

So they were agreed, without having said a word about it, that Lili would talk and Laura would listen to her; Lili because she had to hurt and Laura because she had to know.

Lili lighted a cigarette and stuck it carefully into an ebony holder with a water filter, a rather bulky conversation piece. Everything she did was staged.

"I'm going to talk turkey to you, lamb,” she informed her guest. “Now that I have you in my clutches.” She smiled slightly, a warning smile.

'Talk,” Laura said. “But I'd appreciate it if you'd spare me the sermon."

’”I'm sure you would.” Lili gazed at her. “But, unfortunately, you need a sermon. Oh, just a little one, of course. I won't be crude about it."

Laura ignored her, picking up the drink she didn't think she wanted and sipping at it.

"Well,” Lili began. “You almost killed her. I suppose you could have guessed that."

"I knew it would be hard for her,” Laura said, “but not that bad.” Her voice said she thought Lili was exaggerating, but in her heart she was afraid ... afraid it was true.

"It was bad enough to send her to the hospital with a stomachful of sleeping pills. I know. I took her over.” She said this with her green eyes flaring and her voice low enough to make Laura strain a little to hear her.

"Oh, damn it, Lili, don't make up a melodrama for me!” Laura cried.

"I thought I was stating it rather plainly. But I'll try again."

"Beebo wouldn't take sleeping pills!” Laura said contemptuously, and this she really believed. “It's not like her. It's too—I don't know—phony. It's more like something you'd do than Beebo."

"Luckily I'm not in love with you, pet,” Lili countered. They glared at each other. “You don't know her at all, do you?” Lili went on. “You lived with her for more than two years, and you just don't know her at all."

"I know her better than anybody! What do you mean?"

"All right, lamb, we won't argue the point. Anyway, when she got back from the hospital she was terribly despondent. I kept telling her you'd come back. Everybody did. I didn't believe it, of course, but I was afraid if I told her you were gone for good she'd try something worse than sleeping pills."

"Did she drink awfully hard?"

"Are you kidding? She drank like a fish, naturally,” Lili said. “As if you had to ask. Then she got a job. But I'm getting ahead of myself. You wanted to hear about Tris."

Again she smiled, and Laura hated her smile. “Just tell me, Lili,” she said. “Without the dramatics."

"Certainly, darling ... Well, Tris came back and the first thing she did was come looking for you to tell you she was sorry. I don't know for what. But I was there when she arrived. I couldn't leave Beebo alone for five minutes, it was that bad. So anyway, we were having dinner when Tris came and she looked very surprised not to see you, but if you ask me, she was thrilled to death. She's been on the make for Beebo ever since you met at the dress shop. She strung you along for a contact with Beebo."

"I don't believe you,” Laura lied bravely. “Go on."

"Well, darling, that makes it slightly awkward. It's essential to the narrative that you believe it.” But Laura's cold white face discouraged her sarcasm and she went on. “Well, Tris was nuts for her. That time she burst in on you and Beebo got so mad—yes, she told me about it—she came to see Beebo, not you. She didn't care a damn if it got you in trouble. The only thing she cared about was seeing Beebo. She wasn't very happy about the way Beebo treated her then, but she's had better luck since...

"Well, Beebo didn't even try to fight her off. She just let her in and they spent a couple of weeks together. And the whole time that awful Milo—Tris's husband—I think you've met?—yes. That must have been jolly.” She grinned maliciously. “Well, Milo was over there all the time, just mad as hell. It's a wonder he didn't kill Beebo, the way Tris carried on about her. It took him four whole months to drag her away, and Tris still comes over whenever she can sneak out. But Beebo and Milo get along better now. Since he realised Beebo's not in love with his wife.

"For some strange reason she can't seem to fall in love with anybody. I think she's crazy myself. I mean, after all, you're not that irresistible.” She paused and Laura took advantage of it to switch the subject, fast.

"What about the job? You said she had a job."

"Oh, yes, I did, didn't I? Well, she's waiting on tables at the Colophon. Oh, don't look so disappointed, lamb, she lilies it. Besides, she can wear pants.” Lili knew how Laura hated Beebo's elevator uniform, and it pleased her to point out that Beebo hadn't reformed. “She works from five to eleven,” Lili went on. “Really very good hours. And then of course she's free to get soused till dawn."

"Does she?"

"Sometimes."

"Is it very bad?” Laura asked, her voice a little shaky with fatigue.

"Sometimes."

"God, Lili, is that all you can say? Sometimes? Tell me about her, I haven't heard anything for eight months!"

"That's the way you wanted it, darling."

"No. No, it isn't,” she whispered. “That's the way it had to be."

"I would say—judging strictly from your very interesting diary—that you were glad to get rid of Beebo. Maybe you're just here to ease your conscience, hm? Be sure she hasn't done anything messy you'd have to blame yourself for?"

Laura had to look away for a minute. The shame was too plain on her face. “That was a stupid thing, that diary,” she mumbled. She started crying softly, helplessly. “Lili, cut out the sarcasm,” she pleaded, knowing it would do no good. “Why, don't be silly!” Lili exclaimed, enjoying the scene. I haven't an ounce of sarcasm in me. I'm just a reporter giving you the facts."

"You're a lousy gossip columnist!” Laura said. “You're all dirty digs and snide cracks, and about a tenth of what you say is true. Tris Robischon was shy and neurotic. She hated gay bars. She wouldn't have gone in if she hadn't been forced. She hated gay people so much that she wouldn't associate with them."

"Like hell,” Lili said elegantly. “She lived in the Village, didn't she? Who do you mink her ballet pupils were, any way?"

"Children! Men! Little girls!"

"And big girls, darling."

"She never had affairs with them. She might have slept with one or two of the men, but not with the girls. I'm sure of it"

"Have you talked to Milo about that?"

"No ... not about that. But I know Tris!"

"Must be wonderful to be so sure of yourself, pet,” Lili drawled. “The fact is, your little pseudo-Indian slept with dozens of her pupils. She went to the Lessie bars because Beebo did, and Beebo's not the first girl she's done it with. You can check it. Go ask the bartender at the Cellar. Ask the lovelies at the Colophon. At Julian's. Go on. Scared?"

Laura stood up suddenly and headed for the door. “I've had enough, Lili. Thanks. Thanks a lot” She spoke briefly, afraid of more tears, and grabbed her coat as she went But Lili got up and ran after her.

"But darling, I want to know where you've been all this time!"

"It's no business of yours."

"Oh, tell me, Laura. Don't be difficult,” she said. “Beebo would be interested,” she wheedled.

"Oh, I doubt it. After what you've told me. But just foe the record, I've been living uptown."

"Where uptown?"

But Laura shook her head.

"Alone?” Lili said.

"No.” Laura didn't know why she said it. It just seemed easier than arguing. Besides, she didn't want Lili to think she was friendless and despised everywhere.

"You know, Jack Mann disappeared from the Village the same time you did,” Lili said, her voice vibrant with curiosity.