Before, After, and Somebody In Between (28 page)

I edge toward the john. “One of these days they’re gonna catch onto you, Nikki.”

“Yeah. You wish.” I’m halfway through the door when she adds softly, “By the way, slum rat, thanks for trashing my room.”

Poor Nikki doesn’t even see it coming. I turn and charge, slamming her into the dresser. “Ow!” she screams. “Get out of here, you asshole!”

That’s exactly what I do. Out of her room, down the steps, and right past Claudia. I rush out the door and run till I reach the end of the tree-lined street.

I never, never should’ve mentioned those pills. Why would Claudia believe me without any proof? I’m not part of that family no matter how hard I pretend to be. And now that I’ve assaulted their precious daughter, they won’t wait around for Momma to nab me. I bet they kick me out tonight. They’ll toss my stuff faster than they tossed out Rachel’s. Toodle-oo, slum rat!

Rain drizzles down, damp and cold, and I feel my designer haircut shrivel and frizz. With no jacket and no idea where to go, I just trudge along the sidewalk till a horn honks beside me.

“Gina, wait!” I point my nose to the gray sky as Nikki’s shiny yellow car follows haltingly along the curb. “I’m sorry.”

Yeah, like I’m gonna fall for that.

“Gina, I said I’m sorry! Come on. Let’s be friends again.”

I stab my middle finger in the air and keep on walking.

“Gina!” she shrieks through the car window. “My mother will not let me try out for
Sleeping Beauty
unless you let me apologize for calling you an asshole!”

I pick up some speed, but the rain pours down harder, and eventually I realize I don’t have much of a choice. Sloshing across the tree lawn, I climb into the car, shaking my hair out like a golden retriever. “Just so you know? I don’t give a shit about your ballet.”

“Obviously,” she says, just as sarcastically.

“And no, I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want you to come near me.”

It amazes me how offended she looks. “What did I ever do to you?”

“You ruined everything for me and Danny.”

“I didn’t ruin a thing. I just told him the truth about you.”

“You don’t even know me! How could you know the truth?”

“All I know is what Daddy told me.”

I flinch. “He wouldn’t do that to me. Why do you keep lying about that?”

“So take it up with him, why don’t you? You think you know him so well, you think he’s so perfect? Ha! You have no clue
what-so-ever.
”

“I know him fine. And I know what he’s gonna say when he finds out you’re doing drugs.”

She sends me a sizzling look of contempt. “Popping a few diet pills isn’t doing drugs. Smoking a joint every now and then isn’t—doing—drugs! God, what are you, the local DARE rep around here? You never get high, you never get drunk? You never feel like you want to, to just get away from yourself for a while?” Before I can answer, she aims a finger between my eyes. “If you say no to me, Gina, then you’re a bigger liar than I thought.”

No way am I going to brazen this out. Instead I say, “People die from taking that stuff. How can you do this to your folks? I mean, you’re so lucky, Nikki. You have no idea.”

Chin set like stone, Nikki slams the car into gear. “Don’t tell me how lucky I am! And quit whining about my poor parents and how sa-a-d they’re gonna be, ‘cause you know what? They’re mine! And they’re still gonna be mine after you’re gone.”

The words cut into my heart because I know she’s right.

We say nothing else till Nikki turns into the winding driveway, rain thudding noisily on the convertible roof. We wait for a few minutes, the windows fogging over with steam and our silent fury, but the torrent hammers on.

“Race you!” Nikki shouts, and leaps from the car.

We skid across the wet grass, both of us soaked by the time
we make it to the back porch. Nikki touches the doorknob, then draws away and huddles there for a second, hair plastered down in ropes of dripping gold.

“Deal,” she offers. “You shut up about those pills and stop trying to nail me, and I won’t say another word about …you know, what we talked about.”

“Yeah, right. You already blabbed it to the universe.”

“I did not! I only told Danny.”

“Ooh, I only told Danny!” I repeat, mimicking her hurt, innocent voice. “Yeah, the worst person you could’ve told. God, Nikki, why do you hate me so much? Are you pissed off ‘cause I’m here? Are you, like, jealous of me or something?”

“Jealous!” Nikki screeches. “Oh, do
not
make me laugh! Why would I ever, ever be jealous of you?”

“Then why did you do it?”

She scooches closer to the brick wall, like she’s afraid I’ll attack her again. “I swear, I don’t know. It just came out. But he’s the only one who knows, and I made him promise not to tell anyone. Daddy swore me to silence.”

“I bet Natalie knows. Or Caitlin.”

“No, they don’t. I would’ve heard about it by now.” At my disbelieving look, Nikki throws up her hands. “Fine. Don’t believe me.”

Is she yanking my chain? How would I ever know?

“Gina, you didn’t admit anything, did you?”

“No-o, not exactly.” Except for that halfway house remark.

Nikki smiles knowingly. “So I can take it all back, right? Just say I was jealous, that I made it all up. He really liked you, Gina, honest. Maybe it’s not too late.”

Fat chance. Now that he knows I was only fourteen, he’ll never come near me again.

“Why would you do that?” I ask warily. “What’s in it for you?”

“Just quit trying to tell my mom I’m some kind of addict, okay?”

“She doesn’t believe me anyway,” I remind her. “She thinks I’m a lunatic.”

“No, she doesn’t.” Nikki turns away, but not before I notice the faraway look in her eyes. “But if she knows about the pills, she won’t let me dance. She’s always warning me about how ballerinas get so obsessed, and take uppers, and puke after meals—I don’t do that,” she adds, almost too quickly. “But I have to dance! It’s like my life, okay? How would you feel if somebody took your cello away?”

I already know how I’d feel. Nikki’s the one without a clue.

“I’ll take care of Danny,” she promises. “But you have to swear you won’t say a word to my folks. Not one—single—word, Gina, no matter what.”

God, I want him back so much! I wish I didn’t, but I do.

“Okay,” I agree, and hold out my hand. “I swear.”

After a second of hesitation, Nikki touches my fingertips, then drops her hand to her side without looking me in the eye.

46

So Nikki goes off to her party with Justin, never mind that it’s a school night or that it’s on the other side of town, or that she can’t name a single other person who’ll be there. Claudia throws up her hands and simply gives up, and once again Princess Nikki gets her way.

The house is mine, with Richard and Claudia out celebrating their twentieth anniversary. I shake off Chloe and Faith, who try to drag me into a three-way gossip-fest, and curl up with my homework and my buddy Taffy instead.

Shortly after ten, I hear the back door fly open, and the almighty F-word spew forth from Nikki’s golden lips. She stumbles downstairs to the family room and throws her arms around my neck. “Hey, Gina-Gina! I’m so glad to see you!”

I gape over at Justin who’s waiting on the steps, obviously wishing he were anywhere but here. “What’s with her?”

“Don’t talk to him!” Nikki yells. “He hates me. He ruined my whole night.”

“I don’t hate you, Nik.” Justin runs his fingers through his choppy, bleached-blond, wannabe surfer-boy haircut, and leans
into the wall. “I thought she was gonna get hurt, so I brought her home.”

“I was having fun!” Nikki roars.

“Fun?” Justin barks out a half-laugh. “Jumping on guys you don’t even know?”

Nikki hugs me harder. I nearly choke on the stench of liquor. “Geee-na loves me. Geee-na’s my sister! Aren’t you, Gina-Gina? My adopted little sister.”

I peel her off. Her skin is desert hot, pink and glowing, her glassy eyes positively demented. I stare up at Justin, wishing I could smack him. “What’d she take?”

Justin shrugs, like he doesn’t know, or doesn’t care. But his eyes are watery, his jaw clenched, and he won’t look at me, so the shrug means nothing. “There was X at the party. I told her not to take it.”

“Happy pills,” Nikki sings out. “I took happy pills, see?” And then she giggles hysterically to show me how happy she is.

X. Ecstasy. A big party drug, the stuff that makes people croak on the dance floor. I saw it on the news—you can literally drop dead. I snatch Nikki’s arm, but she yanks it away and spins around the room, long hair whirling and slapping her face.

“We gotta call someone,” Justin insists, shuffling nervously, swiping at his nose. “I mean, she’s like out of control, man. She tried to jump outta the car. She even had the goddamn door open!”

“Shut up! You ruin everything!” Nikki throws herself on the couch, squashing my homework, and starts stroking her arms, like she just can’t bear not to be touching her own skin. It’s so bizarre! It scares the living shit out of me, too.

“I’m calling her dad,” I tell Justin, who gladly leaps out of my way. But before I can reach the first step, Nikki’s up from the couch and swinging from my back.

“You promised! You swore! You said you wouldn’t tell, remember? Remember what you promised?”

I buck her off, and then stand there, helpless. I did promise her that, yes, because she said she’d fix things with Danny. But what if she drops dead in front of my eyes?

She’s right. I
am
her sister. I can’t let her die.

Justin slithers up a couple of steps. “I’m out of here, man. I’ve had enough of this shit. All she ever wants to do is get high.”

“Wait!” I scamper after him. “You can’t just leave. This is your fault, too! You’re the one who gives her the pot.” And probably everything else she takes, too.

He whacks an angry fist on the railing. “This—isn’t—pot! I didn’t even want to go to this stupid party ‘cause I know these people, and they’re, like, hard core, okay? I’m not getting busted just because
she
likes to get wasted!”

Below us, Nikki snickers and dives back onto the leather cushions. “So leave then, you prick. You don’t care about me. Nobody cares! Only Gina,” she adds with a demonic giggle.

Justin jerks me closer, voice low and urgent, sweat shining on his lip. “Just make her drink something, okay? She’s burning up. And tell her folks to come home, ‘cause I’m not sure what all she took. She’s done this before and, well, it could get really bad.”

Nikki bounces up. “What’re you whispering about? Why are you holding her hand?”

I drop Justin’s hand and wipe the sweat off my palm. “Um, Nikki, you want a Coke? Or maybe some water?”

“No! I want to know what you’re whispering about. Are you two doing each other? Huh? What’s the matter, Gina, screwing Danny’s not enough? You have to screw my boyfriend, too?” Crazy, irrational, on and on. Like dealing with Momma, only worse, because it’s Nikki.

Danny or no Danny, this is so not worth it. Knocking Justin aside, I race upstairs and dial Richard’s cell. “You gotta come home, it’s Nikki, she did something, took something—” He hangs up before I can finish.

When the door slams again, I know Justin is gone for good. Nikki’s right, he definitely is a prick. Back in the basement, Nikki’s happy again, and this time it’s Taffy who’s the target of her affection. She sweeps the dog up and dances around, swinging the terrified thing from side to side. Taffy yaps frantically, desperate to escape.

“My little Taffy,” Nikki coos, kissing the dog’s silky face. “My little Taffy loves me, don’t you, baby? Don’t you lo-ove your little Nikki? Don’t you just lo—”

Chomp!
Taffy’s teeth snap down on Nikki’s bottom lip. Blood squirts, Nikki dumps the dog, and stares, confused, at the red splotches on the front of her tank top. When she figures out what happened, it’s like a scene from Stephen King, and I have to tackle her as she makes a murderous dive for the dog.

“Stop!” We struggle until I give her hair a rough yank because that’s the one thing that always gets
my
attention.

Works for Nikki, too. She falls to her knees, sobbing, “Don’t call my mom, please don’t call my mom!” I hug her and rock her and pat her on the back, thinking: Pleasecomehomepleasecome-homepleasecomehome!

When Richard and Claudia finally do burst in, Nikki knows I betrayed her. She launches another attack, leaving a few claw marks on my neck, and Richard grabs her while Claudia punches 911. Nikki then turns on her dad, screaming, “I’m not going to any damn hospital! Why don’t you just kill me instead? You’re so good at it, Daddy, so c’mon, do it! Just like you killed Rachel when you fucking ran her over!”

A deadly chill sweeps through the air as Richard lets go of Nikki’s flailing arms. Nikki topples over and beams up at me from the floor, blood leaking from her ravaged lip. “You didn’t know that, did you? You think he’s so wonderful? He ran her over in the driveway ‘cause he was too drunk to see straight! Just rolled right over, and went and parked the damn car. He murdered my sister! He didn’t even know it till my mom went looking for her.”

“Nikki.” Richard’s face is ghostly white.

“You should’ve gone to jail, but no-o! You know all the right people, don’t you, Daddy? Every cop around. All those lawyers and judges.” She drops her voice. “He killed Rachel. And he should’ve gone to jail.” She whispers it again and again, rocking mindlessly on the carpet.

Without another word, Richard walks out. I squat next to Nikki, shaking so hard I can barely keep my balance. “I hate you, Nikki. You hear me? I hate you!”

Nikki laughs, a sad, tired laugh. “You don’t hate me, you love me. That’s why you want to
be
me so much. That’s all you’ve wanted since the first day you got here.”

“I never wanted to be you. You couldn’t pay me to be you.”

“You’re lying, Gina. That’s all you know how to do.”

She rolls over and hides her bloody face, and by the time Claudia gets back, she’s either asleep or passed out. I can’t find Richard anywhere in the house, and I finally spot him on the deck, standing alone in the dark. The red glow of his cigarette moves upward, then sweeps back down as he flicks away ashes. He doesn’t know I’m there till I open my mouth.