Before I Wake (19 page)

“I know why,” I said as his lips met mine and he reminded me
that he tasted as good as he felt. My hands slid beneath his shirt and my mouth
fed from his. When he kissed his way along my jaw, I let my head fall back.
“It’s because I love you,” I whispered, and I could feel his heartbeat speed up.
I’d never actually told him. I’d been scared to, because it was too fast, and
too crazy, and…

“I love you, too,” he said, his lips brushing my ear. “Eternity
isn’t long enough.”

My heartbeat raced to match his, and I pushed him back just
enough that I could see his eyes. “I want to feel something good. Something
real. Something that isn’t bitter, or cold, or ugly.” I stood on my toes to
whisper the rest in his ear. “I want to feel alive again, Tod. Make me feel
alive.”

When I dropped onto my heels, his gaze searched mine, tight
spirals of cobalt twisting in and out of the darker blues in his irises. “Are
you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.” I took his hand and
pulled him across the hall into my room, then closed the door behind us and
leaned against it.

The heat in his eyes threatened to devour me.

I pulled his shirt off and dropped it on the floor. Then I had
to touch him. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered, running my hands over his chest
and down his stomach. My heart beat so hard I could almost hear it.

He laughed, and the sound was deep, like it got caught in his
throat. “That’s my line.”

“You already said it.” And I could still see it in his eyes.
“So why don’t you show me instead?”

Tod groaned. “If you don’t mean that, please tell me now.”

I stepped back and unhooked my bra. “I mean it.” I let the
material fall to the floor between us, and his gaze smoldered. “Show me.”

I closed my eyes, and waited for him, my entire body buzzing in
anticipation.

His fingers brushed mine first and the sparks started there,
then followed his touch as it skimmed slowly over my knuckles and up the back of
my arm. I could hardly breathe. How could such little contact—innocent, yet
scorchingly intimate—bring my entire world grinding to a halt, like the planet
had suddenly stopped spinning?

His hand rested on my shoulder, warm for just an instant, then
trailed up my neck to cup the back of my head. He brushed a strand of hair
behind my ear, and my mouth fell open.

Tod’s mouth met mine and he sucked my lower lip between his. I
reached for him and when my hands brushed the hard ridges of his stomach, he
moaned into my mouth. His hand tightened behind my head and that kiss deepened
until I was glad I didn’t need to breathe.

“You are so beautiful…” he whispered against the corner of my
lips, when that kiss finally ended.

My eyes opened, and I started to deny it, but he pulled away
just far enough that he could look into my eyes. “No. You are. You are selfless
on the inside and beautiful on the outside, and I am the luckiest man who has
ever walked this earth, alive or dead.”

I had no idea what to say. I didn’t feel worthy of the things
he was saying, yet I felt the same way about him. So would everyone else, if
they could see the parts of himself he kept hidden from the rest of the
world.

“Kaylee, this means something to me.” His hands trailed down my
arms to cup my elbows, and his gaze held mine. “With any luck, we’re going to
have millions of moments over the course of eternity, and I plan to love every
one of them. But we’ll never have
this
moment again,
and this is very important to me.” The twists of blue in his eyes coiled so
tightly the color was almost gone, lost among pale shades of a need so deep it
couldn’t possibly be captured in a kiss, or a touch. “I need to know that this
is important to you, too. I need to know that this isn’t like last time. That
you’re not doing this just so you can say you’ve done it. Because that’s not
good enough for me. That’s not good enough for
us.
”

The ache in his voice echoed throughout every part of me. I
hated the doubt in his eyes, but more than that, I hated that I was the one
who’d put it there.

I laid my palm on his chest so I could feel his heart beating.
“This is
nothing
like last time.” The last time I’d
been down this road, I’d been with Nash, and we’d been traveling for all the
wrong reasons. I had no regret that we never finished the trip. “This is
important to me, Tod.
You
are important to me.”

He stared into my eyes for another moment, searching. Reading.
Then his irises burst with colors so bright they hurt to see, blues jumping and
flickering like the flames at the center of a fire. And that’s what it felt
like. Like his eyes reflected the blaze burning deep inside him, and I could
feel the heat within me answering in return. That heat built, spiraling tighter
and hotter in the narrow inches of space separating us until I knew that if I
touched him, I might actually see the spark jump from my skin to his.

Then, suddenly, the anticipation was too much.

Tod lifted me, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. My mouth
found his, and I couldn’t taste enough of him. He was warm, when everything else
was cold. He was sweet, when the world tasted bitter. He was mine, and I wanted
to be his, in every sense possible.

I’m not sure how we wound up on the bed, but suddenly my pillow
was beneath my head, and Tod was over me, and I could touch him without having
to hang on for balance. His mouth fed from mine, desperately, hungrily, then
suddenly his lips were gone, and mine were left open. Empty and lonely.

But then he kissed my neck, and I gasped as he worked his way
lower, my fingers tangled in his hair, my body alive with possibility, on fire
from every touch.

My jeans came off slowly, his fingers trailing over my hips,
then down my legs along with the material.

His jeans came off in an instant, and briefly I wondered if
there was some kind of quick-release trigger built into his zipper.

Then my underwear was gone, and his was gone, and he settled
onto the bed next to me on his side, one hand at my hip, splayed out like he
couldn’t touch enough of me with only the two hands he was born with.

“I love you, Kaylee. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. More
than I will ever love anyone. If I could freeze this moment in time and never
have to let you go, I would do it without a second thought.”

“I love you, too.” I pulled him down for a kiss. “But maybe we
could freeze the next moment instead,” I whispered against his cheek when he
settled over me.

He laughed, and the sound rumbled through me, triggering fiery
anticipation all over my body. “Does that mean you’re ready? You really want
this?”

“That means I really want
you.
”

“I’m yours,” he said, guiding my leg around his hips. I gasped,
then bit my lip and stared up at him. “Forever.”

12

“YOU KNOW, IF
we’d done that a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been a very good
candidate for a virgin sacrifice.”

Tod rolled onto his side facing me, and that one stubborn curl
fell over his forehead. “I always
knew
my sexual
prowess has the power to save lives.”

“You can turn anything into an ego boost, can’t you?”

“I have a healthy sense of my own worth. But I have an even
better sense of yours.”

“Aww…” I pulled him down for another kiss and chose to ignore
what neither of us was saying. Losing my virginity earlier might have saved me
from Mr. Beck, my incubus math teacher, but it wouldn’t have saved me from
death. My time was up.

The irony there was that Tod’s wasn’t. Nash was living out his
brother’s lifeline, and he had no idea what Tod had given up for him.

“Well, as much as I hate to leave—and I
truly
hate to leave—I have a fatal aneurism scheduled for 3:14—” He
started to sit up, and I pulled him back down.

“No, don’t go… .”

“I’ll be back, I swear. Not even death could keep us apart.” He
grinned over his joke and I rolled my eyes.

“Do you take anything seriously?”

“Only you. I take you seriously. Everything else goes down
better with a joke—the verbal equivalent of a spoon full of sugar.” He gave me
another kiss, then sat up and started pulling his clothes on. “You should get
dressed, too. How much longer do you think Madeline’s going to wait for a
report?”

Crap. I glanced at the clock to see that it was just past three
in the afternoon. School was out, which meant Em would be coming with my books.
And Tod was right about Madeline. “Come back when you get a break?” I said,
stepping into my underwear.

Tod pulled me up and wrapped his arms around my bare waist.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” His grin faded and the colors in his irises
went still. “Kay, you have to tell Madeline what happened at the mall. All of
it. There’s no way any of us can fight Avari in the human plane if we don’t all
know exactly what we’re up against.”

“But Levi…”

“Things have changed, Kaylee. This isn’t just about
reaper-on-reaper violence anymore, and he’ll understand that he can’t afford to
lose anyone who’s been up against Avari before.” But the doubt I saw in his eyes
worried me. “Call Madeline. And you should spend as much time with Emma as you
can. Avari’s gone after her before, so she’ll probably be high on his list this
time.”

“So will Nash. Fortunately, he and Sabine made up, so she won’t
let him out of her sight.”

“Good. I’ll check on them, too, just in case.” Tod kissed me
one last time, then he disappeared and I was alone in my room, in my
underwear.

I grabbed my jeans from the floor and dug my phone from the
pocket as I sank onto the edge of the bed. Instead of calling Madeline, I texted
her, both because I didn’t really want to hear her voice and because if she was
going to not-live in the twenty-first century, she might as well learn to use
the technology.

I’m fine. Got the soul. We need 2 talk. My house. 1 hr.

After that, I pulled my jeans on, then slid my phone back into
my pocket, and I was buttoning a clean shirt when the doorbell rang. Styx
followed me to the front of the house, where Em stood on my porch, holding my
backpack. I opened the door and she marched inside, then dropped my bag into a
chair.

“I was worried about you. Why didn’t you come back to school?”
Her eyes narrowed and I could practically hear her focus zoom in on me like a
long-range camera. “Why is your hair all tangled? And why is your shirt buttoned
wrong?”

Was it?
Crap.

I looked down and started fixing the buttons, and when I headed
for the kitchen, Em followed me. “
And…
now you’re
blushing and running away…!” She cornered me next to the fridge, and her grin
was huge. “You weren’t working! You skipped school to sleep with Tod!”

“I
was
working.” I squeezed past
her and pulled two bottles of water from the fridge. “I had to stab someone and
that really freaked me out, and he was trying to make me feel better, and I
wanted to feel something that wasn’t scary, and painful, so…”

Her brows rose in amusement. “And losing your virginity wasn’t
scary or painful?”

“Well, there was a little pain, but that’s a whole different—”
I stopped and scowled when I realized she was kidding. “Why do they call it
losing your virginity, anyway? It’s not like I don’t know where I left it.”

Em’s brows rose. “You’d be surprised how many people don’t. So?
Details?” She hopped onto the counter and cracked the lid on her bottle.

I shrugged. “There was a hellion, and a dead woman, and a
knife, and a triple helping of trauma.”

Em frowned. “Sex, Kaylee. Details about you and Tod, not the
demon slaying.”

“So glad you’re keeping things in perspective.” I leaned
against the fridge and sipped from my bottle. It worried me that she didn’t seem
surprised or bothered by the hellion part of the story. That was probably a sign
she was spending too much time with me.

“You’re gonna be around long enough to slay hundreds of
demons—” the thought of which made me sick “—but you only lose your virginity
once. So, spill.”

But I didn’t want to. I wasn’t done going over it in my head
and I didn’t feel like sharing the memory just yet. Even with my best friend.
“It’s kind of private, Em.”

“Bullshit. I told you everything about my first time.”

“Yeah, but you may remember that I didn’t actually ask you
to.”

Emma frowned, and I realized I’d hurt her feelings. “Fine.
Forget it.” She set her bottle down and hopped off the counter, and I had to
chase her across the living room.

“Em, wait. I’m sorry.” I grabbed her arm and she stopped and
turned to face me. “I want to tell you. I just… I don’t want to spoil the memory
by talking about it. If that makes any sense.”

Her eyes widened and she studied my face. Then she smiled.
“Wow. I didn’t think talking about my first time could possibly make it worse
than it already was.”

“What do you mean?”

She laughed, but there was a bitter edge to the sound. “There’s
not much you can do to further ruin a memory consisting of staticky radio music,
the backseat of a Camry, and a three-minute mistake.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, Em… .”

She waved my apology off. “Forget about mine. I want to hear
about yours. Whatever you want to tell me.” She reclaimed her water from the
kitchen and we sank onto the couch facing each other, and I realized that she’d
been waiting for this for more than a year. Since the night of the Camry and the
boy who’d barely spoken to her afterward.

I made a mental note to tell Tod how wonderful he was every
single time I saw him, for the rest of our afterlives.

“So…?” she prompted, leaving the details up to me.

“So…he’s beautiful.” I couldn’t stop smiling, and my stomach
was doing flip-flops over just the memory of the past hour of my life, so
blessedly different from the hour before that.

Em rolled her eyes. “I know. Everyone who’s ever seen him
knows. The Hudsons have freakishly good genes. What else?”

“I love him. Like, to-the-end-of-
time
love him. Is that silly? Because I’ve truly lost all
perspective. Is it naive of me to think he’ll be the only one. Like,
ever?
”

Em laughed. “Could you have imagined this moment a year ago?
You’re up to the hilt of your magical dagger in demon guts one minute, then
ready to vow forever to an angel swinging a scythe the next.”

“He doesn’t actually have a scythe, you know.”

“My point stands.”

“So, have I lost it? Am I crazy for even mentioning
forever?”

Emma shrugged. “Normally I’d say that’s the postcoital euphoria
talking, but considering that the two of you are facing eternity together, I
think you’re feeling exactly what you’re supposed to be feeling.” Emma shrugged.
“That said, I don’t think you understand how this is supposed to work. Your
details are adorable and sweet. Like,
diabetic-coma
sweet. But I’d really appreciate anything in the neighborhood of time, place, or
position.”

“Position?” I could feel my face flame.

“Never mind. Time and place, then.”

“Um, right before you got here. My room.”

Em glanced around, suddenly paranoid. “Is he still here?”

“No, he had to go back to work, and I still have to meet with
Madeline, so…”

“You want me to go?”

“No, I want you to stay. I told you Thane’s back, right?” I
said, already hating the change in subject, and she nodded. “Well, he’s not
alone. Avari’s here, Em.”

“Here, as in…?”

“In the human world. I don’t know how he’s doing it, but he
killed a woman at the mall, and—” My phone beeped from my pocket, and I pulled
it out to find an incomprehensible text from Madeline.

T&# at you3.

I was still frowning at the screen when she materialized in my
living room, and Styx started growling from his perch in my father’s chair. “I
apologize, Kaylee, but there doesn’t appear to be enough buttons on my phone to
actually type a complete sentence, and I don’t see the point of text messaging,
when we could just as easily speak on the phone or in person.” She stopped when
she noticed Emma, who obviously could neither see nor hear her. But she could
see me staring at an empty spot in my living room, and she’d been around long
enough to know what that meant.

“Tell her to leave,” Madeline said, crossing both arms over her
chest, phone still clutched in one hand. “We have business to discuss.”

“Emma’s involved in that business, so she stays.”

“This is not up for negotiation, Ms. Cavanaugh.” Madeline
always used my last name when she was frustrated with me. Which was most of the
time.

“Unless you’ve recruited a new extractor in the past couple of
hours, I don’t see that you have much of a choice. You need me. We need each
other. And Emma is involved, so she gets to hear everything I get to hear.”
Until and unless I decided that knowing too much would put her in more danger
than she was already in.

Madeline scowled, and a week ago, that alone would have made me
give in. But not anymore. Not now that I understood just how many people’s lives
were at stake.

Finally, she nodded and perched on the edge of an armchair, and
I knew Em could see her when she jumped a little. “Madeline, this is Emma
Marshall. Em, Madeline.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Madeline said, though she sounded
anything but.

Em nodded. “Thanks for letting me join your reindeer
games.”

“Excuse me?” Madeline said, but before I could explain, the
doorbell rang.

I peeked through the window to find Nash and Sabine on my
porch, and Luca on the sidewalk behind them. “Great. The gang’s all here,” I
said, pulling the door open.

The necromancer followed Nash and Sabine inside, and suddenly
my living room was crowded. Styx decided we’d exceeded the maximum capacity
defined by the fire code and started growling at everyone, so I had to put her
in the backyard.

“Luca told us you left for an extraction, then never came
back,” Nash said, eyeing me like I might be secretly broken as I closed the back
door.

“I told them you were here with Tod, and that you were fine,”
Luca added.

“You didn’t answer your phone,” Nash said. Sabine groaned and
pushed my front door shut. “What?” he demanded, scowling at her. “This morning
she insists that all we have is one another, but this afternoon she won’t answer
my calls. How am I supposed to take that?”

“I didn’t get any calls,” I said, pulling my phone from my
pocket again. But there they were. Three missed calls and two voice mails. All
from Nash. All between twenty-five and thirty-two minutes earlier. When I was
otherwise occupied, and wouldn’t have noticed an explosion in the living room,
much less my phone buzzing from the pocket of my pants. On my bedroom floor.

I flushed, and Sabine’s gaze narrowed on me. “Sorry,” I said.
“It was on silent. I didn’t hear it ring.”

“This is not a high-school social,” Madeline said. “Your
friends will have to leave.”

“They don’t call them that anymore, Aunt Madeline,” Luca said,
and it was obvious that only he and Emma could see and hear her.

Madeline frowned. “Friends?”

Luca laughed. “No, socials. They’re called dances now.”

“Wait a minute,
aunt?
” I said.
“You’re his aunt?”

“What the hell is going on here?” Sabine demanded, glancing at
those of us she could see.

“Okay, that’s it!” I stood in the middle of the room and
glanced around until I was sure I had everyone’s attention. “We are now
operating under a full-disclosure policy. Everyone in this room knows who and
what I am, and they all have experiences or skills that could come in handy. So,
Madeline, show yourself.”

“Ms. Cavanaugh, this is completely inappropriate… .”

I turned on her, and my temper got the better of me. “I’m an
eleventh-grade girl who was murdered in her own bed by a mystical
dagger-wielding incubus posing as a math teacher, about an hour before I was
resurrected in order to extract stolen souls from monsters for the rest of my
unnatural life. What part of that led you to assume anything I do or say will be
appropriate by traditional standards?”

Madeline gaped at me for a second. Then she blinked and nodded.
“A valid point.”

“Good. Then make yourself visible and introduce yourself to the
rest of your crew.”

“My crew?”

“What crew? What the hell is going on here, Kaylee?” Nash
asked.

I could tell the minute Madeline appeared to the room in
general, because both Nash and Sabine focused on her instantly. “Madeline, this
is Nash Hudson. You saved him from going down for my murder. And this is Sabine
Campbell, his…Nightmare.” I wasn’t sure how else to explain their relationship.
“Madeline is my boss in the reclamation department. And evidently Luca’s aunt.
That part’s new to me.”