Before Time (The Time Trilogy Book 1) (16 page)

Impassioned:
I want to spend time with you in real life. Don’t spoil it. I will be there in the park as promised.

ME:
I can’t let you go on living like this.

Impassioned:
You can’t do anything about it, believe me. So let it go before I start keeping my distance. That is what I will most certainly do if you keep reminding me of her.

ME:
Okay! As you wish.

Impassioned:
Yeah, my wish is to stay the way I am, so please grant my wish. This was the reason I probably didn’t want to tell you.

ME:
Oh really?

Impassioned:
Can we talk about something now?

Let it go
, I thought.
He is not willing to listen to my perception and what I believe. Forget it.

ME:
Sure.

Impassioned:
Do you have a treadmill at home?

ME:
Yeah, but it tires me out. By the way, I was ill; that’s why I didn’t go. I will go on Monday.

Impassioned:
You know the reason I suggested you to walk in a park, not on a treadmill, is that walking is not the only purpose. There’s fresh air there, and the people there are also doing what you are, which motivates you.

ME:
Yeah! I like walking better than going to the gym and doing the treadmill.

Impassioned:
That’s true. In fact, that’s the natural way.

ME:
I used to walk three years ago.

Three years ago, I had this wild idea to try to lose weight. Maheen and I used to walk in our street for forty minutes. It used to be good exercise, as both of us were sweating by the time we returned home.

Impassioned:
It’s not only for weight loss, it also provides you with a routine.

ME:
Of course! I stayed away from my laptop the whole day today.

That wasn’t a big feat for me, but I didn’t want to tell him that I was having peculiar pains in my stomach. I wasn’t in the mood for a long lecture from him. I was supposed to go to the doctor, but it all got postponed for one thing or another. So I didn’t go, but the cramps left me breathless.

Impassioned:
Staying away from the computer has nothing to do with it. If a person has nothing to do, then he should do whatever he wants. It’s no big deal.

ME:
I guess there’s been some effect on my eyesight.

Impassioned:
Yeah, that’s a problem. How old are you, exactly?

ME:
20.

Impassioned:
Wonderful age.

ME:
I don’t think so.

Impassioned:
A body can revert through many changes in this age, like eyesight, or the sexual changes you have gone through.

ME:
I had weak eyesight because when I was in my O-levels, I used to study under the night lamp, and I think that ruined it.

Impassioned:
As I said, in this age, every harm can be undone. All you have to do it start taking care of it.

ME:
Maybe.

There was a long silence after that. He didn’t reply and I didn’t message him. Fifteen minutes had passed, when he messaged me again.

Impassioned:
If I love you, then I don’t need to say that to you, especially on the main stream of a channel. There is no such thing as possession on mIRC. There are girls as well as wives who have casual sex with different guys; their husbands can’t do anything.

He was right. I had seen many mIRC relationships that were fake, and I didn’t want anything like that at all.

ME:
I know that. I have seen all this here.

Impassioned:
I was also offered it by many young wives. You know what, there are fewer girls and more young wives here.

ME:
Wives want it more than girls.

Impassioned:
True.

I was getting irritated. I had been fighting with my browser since the last ten minutes but no website would load. I didn’t know what the problem was; it was irritating.

ME:
My computer is not loading.

Impassioned:
What is so urgent?

ME:
Facebook. My game.

Facebook had been reopened by the government, and once again, we could access our accounts. I was addicted to all kinds of games there, and sometimes I played them from my sister’s accounts as well.

Impassioned:
I hate Facebook! I’ve never used it.

ME:
I play different games there.

Impassioned:
Can a girl actually differentiate between different men as to how they satisfy her? I mean if she has sex with more than ten people, can she tell who was number one? Maybe this is the reason for wives, because their husbands don’t satisfy them.

ME:
Well, some girls say that they can.

Impassioned:
Well, whoever says that is having sex too much. Practice makes them perfect.

ME:
Laugh out loud! Of course!

Impassioned:
Anyways, tell me something. Do you still feel lust sometimes, or are you fulfilled?

I repeated the question in my mind. Did I really want to be with another guy? I asked myself and then I knew the answer, I knew it even before the question had registered in my mind.

ME:
I don’t like it anymore. I don’t want to feel lusty, and so I don’t. I have full control over myself.

Impassioned:
Control comes with practice or determination?

ME:
Determination.

Was this a reality show? I wondered. What kind of questions was he asking?

Impassioned:
The more sex you have, the more you want it again? I mean specifically you.

ME:
No! The more I had, the more I hated it. I guess I have distorted thoughts.

Impassioned:
You are extraordinary.

Did I detect reverence in his words or it was only me? But whatever it was, he was wrong. I was not even an ordinary person, I was some mentally twisted girl who was making her life hell. That was what I was.

ME:
I am not. I must be mad.

Impassioned:
Do you realize that the guys you were with were lucky? But what about you?

ME:
Lucky? How?

Impassioned:
They just got lucky because a girl gave herself to them, but did they work hard to earn it?

ME:
My boyfriend slept with me just after two months of our relationship.

Impassioned:
This is because you let him. I didn’t know that you were a bf kind of girl.

Yes, I used to have a boyfriend who turned out to be an asshole and he had fucked up with me. That’s why they say,
Never date a Pathan guy.
I snickered at that comment. They are leeches and their possessiveness would just kill you, like it was killing me.

Our relationship was perfect from start. He saw me at a local market, shopping with my sisters and from there he had developed tender feelings for me. After that day, he came regularly there to wait for me and finally, he got to know about me through his cousin, who was my neighbor. I don’t know from where he got my cell number.

Next I knew, he was calling me incessantly on my cell phone and I remember, scolding him. But after that, we became friends and then, right before it was Eid, he said that he loved me. From there and then, we’d been together for three years, but guess it wasn’t meant to be; his stupid possessiveness spoiled it all. He shouted at me and that was the end of it.

ME:
I used to have a boyfriend, but now, I’ve changed.

Impassioned:
They got what they wanted, but what did you get? Satisfaction or revenge on yourself?

ME:
Revenge on myself.
I liked pain. I liked hurting myself. It was stupid and twisted, but it was a part of who I was.

Impassioned:
Did anyone even satisfy you once?

ME:
No.

Impassioned:
Satisfied? What does that mean, in your perception?

ME:
I didn’t like it. And when I don’t like it, how can I be satisfied?

Impassioned:
You are becoming a mystery to me now. I don’t know if you feel comfortable discussing this. This isn’t normal.

He was right. I wasn’t comfortable discussing this topic, and I wished that he would talk about something else.

ME:
I told you I’m not normal, but I can speak my mind with you, and somehow, I like it. My opinions matter to you, it seems to me.

Impassioned:
Why would a girl have sex with a guy who is not her husband? What would be the girl’s answer?

To make him happy,
I thought.

ME:
For pleasure.

Impassioned:
Correct. You did it to hurt yourself?

He was right on spot with this one. I did like to hurt myself, no doubt.

ME:
Yes. You’re becoming my psychiatrist now.

I was totally surprised at his comments. It looked like he was my psychiatrist and he was analyzing whatever I was saying. He was looking for something, some fault in me.

Impassioned:
I’m just trying to understand you.

Well, maybe he was. Maybe, he was trying to judge me for being a rowdy, careless and reckless girl who had no importance or respect for her parents. He was so hard to read.

Impassioned:
I’m trying to judge why a girl would give everything she has and ask for nothing in return. I have other ways to hurt myself, but not that.

ME:
What I felt was right at the time, I did.

Impassioned:
Your actions would be justified if you’d said that at least one of them gave you around ten orgasms. Then at least you got something in return.

ME:
No.

Impassioned:
Even a psychiatrist will have difficulty understanding what you were feeling then. You have to forget your past.

Now, why would I do that? Weren’t people supposed to learn from their past and try not to make such mistakes again? I wanted to know why he wanted me to forget everything. My curiosity got the better of me.

ME:
Why?

Impassioned:
People cut themselves, bleed themselves, drink, but don’t have sex. They have sex only when they want something in return. The way I picture it, you were as cold as a dead body.