Begin Again (Beautiful #2) (16 page)

I walked into Dr. Hansen’s office, and she smiled at me from behind her large Mahogany desk. She was a beautiful woman with honey blonde hair tied up in a bun at the base of her neck. Behind the dark from her glasses sat light blue eyes that were as kind as they were stern. She might not have known it, but I owed her my life.

“Demi, please, come in. Make yourself comfortable.”

It had been two months since Huntley and Grayson’s wedding, and two months since I’d seen or heard from Brody. After everything that happened the last time I saw him, I’d decided it was time to take back control of my life, and my emotions. That’s why I’d been back to Dr. Hansen. She was the psychologist I started seeing after the grief of losing the baby became too much, and I wasn’t afraid to admit that I needed her help again. For the last three weeks I’d been seeing her twice a week. Until now we’d almost skirted around that last day I had with Brody but I had a feeling I’d be facing it today.

“So, how are you?” Dr. Hansen asked. She took a seat on the sofa opposite me and started writing on her notepad. I often joked that she could write an entire book based on the notes she’d made during my previous sessions, but she reassured me that there was always someone else going through something much worse. It was her way of saying that feeling sorry for myself wouldn’t benefit me. So I’d listened.

“I’m okay,” I replied, “just tired.”

“Have you been sleeping?” she asked, not looking up yet.

“Not much. I’ve been trying to sleep without using any medication, but its difficult. I can’t sleep without dreaming about…”

“Brody,” she finished for me. “And your baby.”

I nodded my head and swallowed. “Yes.”

Dr. Hansen looked up and met my apprehensive gaze. She knew this was hard for me to talk about, but she’d keep pushing until I’d laid it all out there. I hated it,
and it tore me up every time, but I knew that it was a necessary evil.

“Have you thought about the possibility that your dreams are your subconscious’ way of saying that you haven’t been able to truly let go of your trauma and forgive Brody for what he did?”

“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I thought I’d let it go but then Brody showed up and I was knocked right back to square one.”

“Have you spoken to Brody since you told him about the baby?” Dr. Hansen asked, scribbling more notes. I fiddled with my fingers in my lap.

“No.”

“Don’t you think it’s time you did?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. I’m scared to speak to him, I guess.”

Dr. Hansen looked up at me again and I knew I wasn’t going like what she was going to say.

“It will making moving on with your life harder if you don’t talk to him. You need closure, something you didn’t have before because until now, Brody hasn’t really featured. I want you to ask yourself, and you don’t have to answer me right away. Have you forgiven him for what he did?”

I knew the answer, so I replied, “I know I haven’t, but I also feel guilty because it wasn’t entirely his fault that I was alone when the baby died. He chose to leave, but I chose to keep it from him.”

“That’s a very accurate and mature observation, Demi. I also want you to think about this: how can you forgive him when you haven’t forgiven yourself? Your baby’s death wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t Brody’s. It was a very unfortunate turn of events that neither you or Brody could change, even if he hadn’t left you.”

I looked down at my intertwined fingers, unable to say anything for the moment. The truth was, I
did
blame myself for losing our baby. It’s impossible to describe what it’s like when you lose a child when you’re a woman. Our bodies are made to bare children, grow them, and give them life. But for some reason I failed. Or at least it felt that way.

“Demi? Are you alright?”

I looked up at Dr. Hansen’s concerned face and realized that I’d zoned out in the middle of our session.

“Yes, sorry,” I replied. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you’ve taken the time to forgive yourself and considered taking the time to think about where you want to go from here?”

I looked out the window overlooking lush green grass, observing the way the sun seemed to brighten the world outside.

“I just want to be happy again,” I replied simply. “I want to close my eyes at night and not worry about whether or not I’m going to have the same recurring nightmare again. I want to live my life without the weight of
everything
hanging over my head like a dark cloud.”

“Does Brody feature into that?”

“I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know how we can move forward after all of this
stuff
. I’d be surprised if he ever spoke to me again, if I’m being honest.”

Dr. Hansen put her notepad down and moved to the end of the sofa. She took my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze.

“I think the real question here is what do you want going forward? If it’s being happy, then work on finding what makes you happy again. And if Brody features into that, then let it be.”

“I’m scared,” I admitted almost sheepishly. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”

Dr. Hansen smiled. It was warm and reassuring. Motherly. “It will all be okay,” she said. “You’ll see.”

I gave her a small smile in return, and hoped she was right.

AFTER SPENDING THE rest of my afternoon shopping, and mulling over Dr. Hansen’s advice, I took a slow, leisurely drive to Huntley and Grayson’s house. They were having a barbeque with the family to celebrate news of Huntley’s pregnancy. I always looked forward to their barbeques and after an enlightening session with Dr. Hansen, I was excited to spend the evening enjoying myself with the people I cared about the most.

I came to a stop outside their house and grabbed Huntley’s gift from the backseat. It was a spur of the moment purchase, something that would mean a lot to her, to both of us. I walked in without knocking, and followed the sound of loud chatter and laughter coming from outside on the deck. Huntley’s face lit up when she saw me and made her way towards me, embracing me without hesitation. I hadn’t seen her for two weeks while her and Grayson were on their honeymoon in Paris. I’d missed her fiercely.

“I’m so happy to see you,” she said with a broad grin on her face. She was absolutely glowing.

“You too,” I replied, returning her grin. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” she replied. I took her gift out and handed it to her.

“What is this?”

“Open it.”

She lifted the lid off the small pink box and took out the necklace with the heart pendant. It was engraved with
‘A best friend is a sister that Destiny forgot to give you”.

“It’s beautiful,” she sniffled. She waved me off when I wanted to ask her what was wrong and said, “Hormones, don’t mind me. I love it.”

Just then, Grayson stepped up to her side, not noticing her brief bout of blubbering, and pulled me into a bear hug. I laughed, and while it sounded strange falling from my lips, it felt good.

“I’m glad you guys are back,” I said. “Two weeks is way too long.”

Grayson chuckled and looked Huntley with pure adoration. “I had a hard time keeping her there that long. Three days in and she wanted to come home because she missed Hunter.”

Huntley responded with a playful slap, and replied, “You’re such an ass, Gray. You know you missed him too!”

He winked at her and gave her a chaste kiss. “Whatever you say, wife.”

They were so in love it was nauseating. And sweet. They were proof that true love and happy ever after’s didn’t only exist in the romance novels that crowded my e-reader.

I cleared my throat and a rose colored blush crept over Huntley’s cheeks. “I’m going to say hi to everyone else. Try not to rip each other’s clothes off while I’m gone.”

“No promises,” Grayson called out from behind me and again, I laughed. I made my way around the deck and said hello to Grayson’s parents, noticing that Jeff had been absent. We hadn’t spoken since the wedding and I missed him, but I understood his need for space. I just hoped we could, at some point, go back to being friends. I moved on to Huntley’s aunt and uncle and then finally on to Brody’s grandparents. I was talking to Brody’s grandmother when
i felt eyes burning into the back of my head. The fine hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention, and my skin prickled with awareness. I knew it was Brody before I turned around, but when our eyes met, my heart stuttered. He’d always had that effect on me. Everyone else disappeared and just like it had been before, it was just the two of us. His hair was a sexy disheveled mess and he looked incredible in his dark jeans and grey t-shirt. I caught the smirk that played on his lips and realized that I’d been ogling him. It couldn’t be helped. It came naturally to me, despite all that had happened between us, and that familiar energy still pulsated between us. We had so much to talk about, and I wanted to talk to him, but only one thing mattered then.

He was home.

I stopped outside my grandparent’s farmhouse and gave myself a moment a breath for the first time in two months. It had taken me that long to get my things packed up in Chicago and finish up my last month at Johnson Waterman. Thankfully Sienna’s father hadn’t kicked up a fuss after I handed in my resignation, and to my surprise neither did Sienna.

I was glad to finally be out of Chicago and back where I belonged.

My grandfather, Clay was sitting on the front porch, pipe in hand. I hopped out of my truck, thankful that Grayson had been kind enough to leave it at the airport for me, and walked up the porch steps. My grandfather stood, and gave me the once over.

“It’s about time you showed up, boy. Been waitin’ for you for over a year.”

I chuckled and gave him a hug. “I know, I know. Took me a little longer to figure my shit out,” I replied.

“Well,” he said, patting me on the back, “none of that matters. You’re home now.”

The font screen door opened and my grandmother, Luanne appeared, her mouth wrinkling at the side from her wide smile.

“Hi grandma.”

She wordlessly wrapped her thin arms around my waist and squeezed. I kissed her gray hair and relaxed, breathing in her sweet familiar scent. I barely remembered my parents but as far as I was concerned, I didn’t need them if I had people like Clay and Luanne Scott taking care of me.

“Welcome home, Brody. We’re so happy you’re back for good.”

“Me too,” I said into her hair.

She pulled away and looked up at my face. “We’ve missed you.”

I wiped a stray tear from her aged cheek and tried to squelch the guilt I felt. Demi wasn’t the only I’d inadvertently left behind.

“I’m home now,” I told her, “and I have no intention of ever leaving again.”

My grandmother cupped my cheek. “That makes me so happy to hear.”

My grandfather cleared his throat. “Enough now, Luanne. Boy’s been home all of five minutes and you’re already smothering him.”

“Oh hush,” she slapped him on the chest, “I was not.” She looked back up at me, laughter in her eyes. “I just made some fresh sweet tea. Why don’t you sit outside here with your granddaddy and I’ll bring you some.”

“Sounds good, thank you Gama.”

She disappeared inside and my grandfather resumed his seat while I took the chair next to him. We were quiet for a while, almost contemplative as we both stared out onto the open land in front of us. My grandmother brought us some sweet tea as promised and shared a look with my grandfather before disappearing inside.

“You know,” he began, “I was just a few years younger than you are now when I married your grandmother.” His face transformed from the hard look I had always known growing up and softened. He let out a low whistle, and I listened while he spoke. “Man oh man, she was the prettiest young thing I’d ever seen, and we were so smitten people starting getting sick of it. Anyway, our parents were so mad when we decided to get hitched, but we didn’t care. Your grandmother was it for me and we didn’t see any point in waiting. It was a few years later when things got tough and we reached a point in our marriage where we weren’t sure if we could make it work. We decided some time apart would be best, and I honestly thought it was over.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said. “Why are you telling me now?”

“Because it damn near tore us apart,” he replied. “And you know what I realized?”

I shook my head, not sure where he as going with this.

“I realized that I could live without your grandmother, but I just didn’t want to.”

“I still don’t know why you’re telling me this, Gramps.”

“Why did you come home, son?” he asked, suddenly switching gears.

“Because I was unhappy in Chicago,” I replied, perplexed.

“We both know it’s more than that.”

He stared at me and I finally understood why we were having this conversation.

“You came back for Demi,” he stated, very sure of himself. My first instinct was to deny it, so I did.

“That’s not true, Gramps. Demi and I are over. But you know all this.”

“I know you don’t believe that.”

“Why else would I have come home?”

“You realized that you could live with out her, but you are choosing not to.”

I looked at my grandfather, the man who had raised me taught me about what it took to be a man.

“Have you spoken to her yet?” he asked.

I put my elbows on my knees and pulled my fingers through my hair, the weight of the last two months resting heavily on my shoulders.

“No,” I replied. “I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet.”

“Bullshit,” he said loudly. I was taken by surprise. He never cursed. “You came back to fight for her, didn’t you?”

I couldn’t lie to this man, but I wasn’t sure. Had I come back to fight for Demi? I didn’t even know if there was anything still worth fighting for.

Before I could say as much, my grandmother came outside.

“It’s almost time to get leave for Huntley and Grayson’s barbeque. You boys nearly ready?”

“I’m ready,” my grandfather replied, “I don’t need all day to get ready like you women do.” He was teasing, and like most times, he was doing it to get a rise out of my grandmother.

She pointed her index in his direction and fixed him with her stern yet exuberant gaze. “Don’t sass me Clayton Scott.” He stood up and walked towards her, encasing her in his arms. “I wouldn’t dream of it, sweetheart.” He pressed a kiss to her lips, and I looked away to give them some privacy. Not to mention it was weird as hell watching your grandparents make out like teenagers. In many ways, I envied them. Who would’ve thought? They had the kind of love people write novels about, and I wasn’t too much of a man to admit that I wanted it.

“Are you coming with us?” my grandmother asked after they’d unlocked their lips.

“I’ll join you a little later,” I replied. “I’m going to take a shower and unpack first.”

“Don’t take too long,” my grandfather said. “I’m sure Grayson is eager to see you and catch up.”

“Yes sir.” I gave them a half smile and grabbed my bags from my truck. As soon as my grandparents had left, I hopped in the shower and got ready. I wasn’t even sure I’d be seeing Demi tonight, but I couldn’t ignore the small part of me that was hoping I would.

GRAYSON GREETED ME at the front door, followed by a rather enthusiastic Hunter.

“Good to have you home,” Grayson said.

“I could say the same thing. You guys have a good honeymoon?”

His face broke into a grin and he replied, “Yeah, we had fun.” He winked and I pretended to slug him in the arm.

“T.M.I man, really. I don’t need to know that shit.”

Grayson laughed as we made our way outside, but stopped just before we reached the door. He hesitated, and then looked back at me. “Demi’s here,” he said carefully, no doubt waiting for my reaction.

“I was counting on it.”

He gave me a
its about fucking time
smile and I followed him outside. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to Demi when I saw her, but I’d figured it would come to me as soon as she was in front of me.

Huntley appeared in front of me, a knowing smile on her face. Did everyone know why I’d really come home except for me?

“Welcome home,” she said with a hug. “It’s about damn time.”

“Nice to see you too, Mrs. Carter.”

She beamed and damn if I wasn’t happy for them.

“She’s over there,” Huntley pointed behind her, “talking to your grandparents.”

“Thanks” I replied. “You think she’ll talk to me?”

Huntley looked back at Demi and then at me. “I think you have to try. We’re all rooting for you.” Her eyes softened and she touched my arm. “Don’t let me down.”

I dipped my head and made my way towards Demi just as she turned her head. Our eyes clashed, green to brown, and I was instantly thrown back in high school. My hands started sweating, and I rubbed them on my jeans. It didn’t help. My heart raced, blood rushing to my ears. Dammit, I was nervous.

“Hi,” I said, stepping up to her. My grandparents sidled away quietly, leaving me alone with Demi.

“Hey,” she replied quietly. Her light, faded jeans clung to her body, making it obvious that she’s lost weight. Her black blouse hung loosely around her middle, but still managed to show off the curves I’d fallen in love with. Her eyes were a little dull, and her face a little more hollow than the last time I’d seen her. She looked gaunt, but still gorgeous. She’d always be gorgeous in my eyes.

“Uh…” I stuttered. Fucking nerves. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

She looked apprehensive, somewhat hesitant. “I don’t think now’s the time or the place.”

“Please,” I persisted. “It won’t take long.”

“Okay,” she sighed. I followed her through Huntley and Grayson’s house and out the front door to the driveway. It was a strange place to have this conversation, but I guess it was as good as any. It was the only place we could get some privacy.

She stopped next to Huntley’s grey jeep and turned to face me. We stared at each other, as if to relearn what the
other looks like. On the outside we might’ve looked the same, but inside we’d changed. For better or worse only time would tell.

I swallowed, and took a leap. “We have a lot to talk about and - ”

“I’m sorry,” she blurted. “For all of it.”

I relaxed slightly, thinking that ‘sorry’ was a good place to start. “So am I. We made a real mess of things.”

“I should told you about…” she blinked, hesitating, “the baby. I was wrong to keep it from you.”

“You’re right,” I admitted. “You should’ve. But if I hadn’t have left, then maybe things would have been different.”

“It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t mine. We made some stupid decisions, reckless decisions.”

I rubbed my face. “I know.”

“Do you think we can move on?” Her eyes shone bright with hope, a hope that mirrored mine.

“Things can never be the same, you know that.”

Her face fell and she looked down. “I understand.” Her voice was quiet, and broken. “Well, maybe we can be friends again, somewhere in the near future. Despite everything, I still want you to be happy Brody.”

What just happened? Clearly she’d misunderstood what I meant. I grabbed her arm as she turned around
, and stopped her.

“I don’t think you understand what I’m saying.”

She frowned, a line forming between her brows. The instinct to smooth it over with my thumb, like I always had, was overwhelming.

“I think I do,” she replied. “You want us to move on.”

“I do. Together.”

We stood in silence and I too
k the chance to continue. I thought about giving her a fancy, romantic speech, but she deserved more. She deserved the truth. I stepped closer and she tipped her head back.

“I know we have a lot to work through, but it all comes down to one thing,” I paused, trying to steady the thump of my heart, “I miss you. I miss waking up with you next to me. I miss seeing you walk around barefoot in the kitchen. I miss kissing you,” I brushed her bottom lip with my thumb, smiling when she sucked in a breath, “I miss hearing you sing in the shower. I miss making love to you at all hours. I miss having angry sex with you. I miss having you in my life, Demetria, and I know I can live without you, but dammit, I don’t want to.”

“I’ve missed you too,” she choked out, “but how do we move on from everything? After everything we’ve put each other through?”

I cupped the back of her head and inched my face closer to hers. “It won’t be easy,” I replied in a whisper, “but if you’re willing, I figured we could just…begin again.”

Demi’s eyes glistened in the moonlight and I wanted so much to erase the last year. But I couldn’t. All I could do was express my willingness to fight, and hope to God she’d do the same.

“Fight for us,” I breathed. “Decide that everything we’ve been through isn’t enough to stop you from fighting for us.”

I could tell by the way her eyes searched mine that she was contemplating it. I started getting nervous again. At least it wasn’t a flat out no.