Beginnings of the Heart (18 page)

“Lie down and I promise to take care of everything.”

“Okay.”

I crawled under his covers and turned over onto my side. I didn't hear him leave the room.

As it turned out, my little nap lasted three hours. It was a good thing too because the next three nights Victoria was not a happy baby. I walked, rocked, patted, fed and changed her for what seemed like hours before she would finally settle down and sleep for a while before she would wake back up. I was averaging about four hours of sleep a night and losing the battle of staying awake in school.

On the morning after the third night in a row, I finally gave in to Cole's suggestion to stay at his house for the night so he could help me. My sister had tried to help after the first night, but I was worried about her falling asleep in school too and didn't want to pull her into my problems. It had gotten to the point my dad even attempted to help, but the only one Victoria seemed to want was me.

It was a Thursday, and I took a bag with me when I dropped Victoria off at Cole's house with what I would need overnight. I had left a note on the kitchen table for my parents so they wouldn't worry. I literally didn't have the strength to tell either of them to their faces I was staying with Cole.

I was so glad I was going to have some help and we didn't have school the next day, I was giddy with joy. Of course it was probably the sleep deprivation talking. I had a smile on my face for most of the day. Cole just kept shaking his head at me.

“I know what you're thinking, and I also know you're trying your best to keep it to yourself.” I told him on the way to lunch. The one thing we still had together this year.

“What?” Cole asked, with mock confusion.

“You know what? If I was living at your house instead of at mine, I wouldn't be so tired right now because you would have been there to help me out the last few nights.” I smiled at him.

“Let's remember later, I wasn't the one who said it, you did.” Cole said, overly cheerful.

I humphed but was grateful Cole was who he was. If I didn't have him to lean on and put my trust in, I'm not sure I would have made it this far. I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss and then put my head on his shoulder before I could see the surprise on his face over my display of affection.

Finally my dismissal time came, and I got in my car and headed to Cole's house. I was hoping my parents, especially my mother, weren't going to make a huge issue out of the fact I was staying at Cole's tonight.

I was still worrying over the possible reaction when I arrived at Cole's and walked inside. I could hear his mom in the kitchen. Victoria started to cry so I called to Cecelia I would get her and I headed up the stairs. It was ironic in a way. All I had ever wanted to be was a mother. I just never planned on it being this soon.

“Hello, Victoria. How's mama's baby? Are you being a good girl today for your grandma? Huh?” I talked to her as I picked her up out of the crib and cradled her in my arms before changing her diaper.

She was getting big so fast, and I felt like I was missing so much of it when I really wasn't at all. I sat down in the chair with her and rocked her for a few minutes. I looked up at the door when I heard a squeak on the floorboards.

“I didn't mean to disturb you.” Cecelia said from the doorway. “I was just seeing if you needed anything. Cole told me the last few nights have been a little rough for you.”

“I think that's an understatement.” I said, feeling the tears come to my eyes. “She's been so good during the day and then at night she just…” I couldn't go on.

The tears started to run down my cheeks, and I couldn't turn them off. Cecelia came over and put her arm around my shoulders like my mother should have done, and then there was no hope of turning the tears off. And like any mother she just let me cry myself out.

When I was winding down she handed me a tissue and gave me a little squeeze around the shoulders.

“It's hard to deal with a crying baby in the middle of the night when you don't have any help. It's even harder to do it for three nights in a row because by the end of the first night you are so tired it's almost impossible to be patient enough to wait her out.”

“Yes.” I said, so relieved to be able to talk to someone who seemed to understand. “And then I feel like a bad mom because I'm getting frustrated with an infant who can't even tell me what she needs. I just don't know what to do so I finally gave in and decided to come here tonight so Cole can help me. I hope you don't mind my being here.” I hesitantly finished.

Cecelia held up her hand. “On the contrary, we're very happy you're going to be here. Victoria isn't just your responsibility. She's Cole's as well, and if he can help you get a good night's sleep then he should. If the two of you had waited to have children until you were married, and I'm not judging you, then he would be there all the time. But the two of you have a beautiful daughter together now and you should accept his help, especially when you need it. We as women, and especially as mothers, tend to forget we need help sometimes. You, as a sixteen year-old mom, are doing a great job, but you need to remember to ask for help when you need it.” She smiled. “I hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing you, but I thought maybe you could use a little advice from someone who's been there.”

“Thanks. I was starting to think I was doing something wrong, but I didn't really know who to talk to. I tell Cole about it all, but he doesn't understand.”

“Well, if you ever need to talk you can come to me. And I think it did you a little good to cry, too. It's healing in a way, crying I mean, let's all of the emotions out instead of holding them all in. You can't deal with anything as long as it's all inside.” Cecelia wisely stated.

I smiled at her, and then I heard the front door slam shut and footsteps on the stairs. I was amazed so much time had passed and Victoria had been so quiet through all of it.

“Hello?” I heard Cole call out.

“We're in the nursery.” I answered him in a much quieter tone.

He breezed into the room and then came to an abrupt stop.

“What's going on in here? Are you okay? You look like you've been crying?” Cole asked concerned.

“Oh, we were just having a little chat. Old mom to new mom kind of stuff. You would never understand. I'll leave the two of you for now, and I'll see you downstairs later for dinner.” Cecelia told Cole as she left the room.

“Are you okay?” Cole asked, brushing away a lingering tear.

“I am now. It's just what your mom said. Mom to mom kind of stuff. It was good to talk to another mom. I wish I could talk to mine about all of this stuff. Maybe I wouldn't have cried all over yours if I could talk to her. It just seems like there is a wall between us, and I don't know what I can do to knock it down and get to her. I thought after Victoria was born…” I stopped.

Cole just sat down on the arm of the chair his mom had occupied earlier and put his arm around my shoulders. He didn't offer any opinions or suggestions. We had been down this road so much we each knew what the other was going to say. It didn't appear my mother was going to change, and I was really getting tired of the back and forth she continued to give me.

I looked down into the wide, deep blue eyes of my daughter and marveled at the fact she had gotten Cole's eye color. I was still waiting to see what her hair color was going to be, but it was starting to look like it might be mine. Maybe it would end up being closer to my sister's with the natural wave.

“I really am okay. I just needed to know everything is normal.” I smiled up at Cole.

“Okay. I'm glad you can talk to my mom. I know I don't really understand what all of this is like for you. I'm just glad you finally gave in and let me help.” He smiled and then kissed the top of my head.

“Me too.”

I found him the next morning kicked back in the chair with Victoria sleeping on his chest. I smiled as I stood in the doorway and could fully appreciate how lucky I was.

I had gone to bed in the guest room when Victoria had the night before. I heard Victoria around midnight, and got out of bed to feed her and see if I could get her back to sleep. Apparently Victoria had other ideas, and I ended up waking Cole so he could spend some time with his lovely daughter. I went back to bed and slept the rest of the night.

I saw Cole's eyes crack open and then his struggle to widen them. Victoria was stirring on his chest, and I went over to pick her up before she let loose. I actually giggled a little as I saw Cole continue to fight to get awake.

“I'm not sure how you survived three nights.” Cole said, his voice sounding gravelly.

“No idea, but rising to the challenge and whatever.” I said over my shoulder as I changed Victoria.

“She has the most ear-piercing scream. I didn't know you could actually hear anything at that decibel level.” Cole got up from the chair so I could sit down and feed Victoria.

“Me too, and now I can better deal with the next few nights until she is through this new phase of hers.”

Cole was quiet, and I looked up to see if he was still awake, and I saw a confused expression on his face. It was gone before I could say anything though.

“I'm going to go take a shower, and then I'll be back to help you.” He half smiled at me. “Maybe it will help wake me up a little bit too.”

I smiled as he shuffled out of the room and then looked back at my daughter. How she could be so difficult at night and then be the sweetest baby ever during the day, I couldn't understand.

I was just getting up to go and get dressed when Cole came back into the nursery looking tired still but awake at least.

“How was your shower? Did you get awake before you got there or only after you got in?”

“I woke up enough to turn it on. Here, I'll take her downstairs while you get ready, but I want to understand something first.” Cole said, turning at the door and adjusting Victoria in his arms. “Is it your intention to go back to your house today and continue to subject yourself to your mother's varying moods?”

I looked at him for a moment, with a growing knot in my belly.

“Why do ask?”

“I just thought by you coming here for me to help you might see you should be here with me instead of there with your mother who may or may not be just a little crazy. I'm worried about you being there with no one to help you. I know your sister and your dad tried to help, but this isn't their responsibility. It's ours and I really think you should just stay here.” He finished with a slightly raised voice.

I thought about his words for a minute and tried to answer his question without setting off a firestorm reaction.

“I did come here so you could help me because you offered. Until four nights ago, I was doing okay. I know I can't count on my mother to help me or really any of my family to help me through the night, but they are still my family just like you're a part of my family now too. If I hadn't had to go to school over the last few days, my sister or my dad would have watched Victoria so I could take a nap. I know they would have helped me as much as possible.” I said, more calmly than I was feeling.

“What about your mom though? She's doing nothing but stressing you out to the point I'm afraid you aren't going to be able to handle all of this by yourself for much longer.” He took a deep breath to calm himself. “I'm just worried about you and Victoria. Please just try to understand where I'm coming from.” Cole said.

“I do understand.” I said, walking over to where he still stood in the door. “They're still my family, and I don't want to do anything else to disappoint them. I'm still feeling the guilt from getting pregnant. I know it doesn't really make a lot of sense.” I reached out and rubbed Victoria's back and looked up into his deep blue eyes.

He shook his head slightly.

“It doesn't make any sense and you're right I can't understand, but I haven't suffered the same kind of disappointment you did. My family was upset, but they got over it. I'm not sure I'll ever really understand what you have gone through at your house.” He reached out and rubbed my arm. “Why don't you go take a shower and we'll be downstairs waiting for you. Just promise you'll think about what I said. It's not like you overthink things ever.” He smiled at the little reminder of the flaw in my personality.

“I'll be down in a few minutes. It won't take me long.”

I did think about what he had said, and then I thought about what I had said to him. Was it just the fear of disappointing my family again, or was I afraid of the backlash from everyone I knew? What would people think if I moved in here with the father of my child at only sixteen? My friends' parents were not crazy about me anymore. Would they accept it or go over the edge?

Once again I had more questions than answers. Why was that always happening to me? I suppose it's what keeps us all moving forward instead of staying in the same place forever. Maybe my mother needed to delve into her own concerns in order to move past where she happened to be stuck.

I went down to the kitchen and upon entering felt instantly like I had interrupted a conversation. Cole and his parents stopped talking and looked up at me with expressions saying ‘did she hear anything'. I smiled and continued into the room.

I sat down at the table next to Cole and rubbed Victoria's head.

“Cole was just telling us how his night went. I hope you were able to get some sleep.” Cecelia seemed to be the first to recover from my unexpected arrival.

“I did. At least I got a lot more than Cole did last night. Did he tell you I found him and Victoria in the chair this morning? Both of them were sound asleep.” I smiled at them all.

Cecelia and Mark started to laugh, and I joined in. Cole seemed to take offense to our laughter.

“She wouldn't sleep unless she was on me. I finally gave up trying to put her back into her crib when she fell asleep so I just let her stay where she was. We did just fine, didn't we Victoria? We let your mama sleep and everything was just fine.” he spoke to her mostly because we were all still laughing a little.

“I'm sorry, you did fine and I was able to sleep so I really shouldn't care how you got her to stop crying just so long as she did. Thank you.” I kissed him on the cheek.

“You're welcome.”

We all ate breakfast, and I left a short time later to go home. Cole wouldn't let me go until I promised to call him if things started to go the way he feared they would.

I felt really confident going home now, mostly because I knew both my parents were at work. There were several things I needed to get done while I still had the stamina to do them, and now was as good a time as any.

After I got all of our things into the house I started the laundry and then scrubbed the dirty bottles I had. By then it was time for Victoria to eat and take a nap, and I used the time to get a head start on my homework.

Samantha came out of her room about then, looking like she had a good night's sleep. I smiled at her, and she gave me a small smile in return. She shuffled past me to the refrigerator to find something to eat.

“How was your night?” she asked as she sat down at the table where I was working.

“It was really good. I got to sleep, although I'm not really sure how much sleep Cole actually got.” I filled her in on where I had found him this morning, carefully excluding our little disagreement. “How were things here? Were they really mad when they found the note about where I was? Should I just leave now and avoid the coming confrontation?”

She grimaced slightly. “Dad was a little miffed you didn't just tell him, but he understood you needed Cole to help you out. Mom, on the other hand, was not happy. I thought she was going to explode, but instead she just got really quiet and went into her room. Even dad stayed out here for a long time, and then he went in and talked to her.”

“Do you know what they talked about? Could you hear anything?”

“I heard enough to know she's afraid of what everyone else is going to think of you staying the night over there. Never mind the fact you needed someone to help you get through a night.” Samantha said, slightly disgruntled.

“Do you think she's going to blow up when she gets home?” I asked nervously.

“I don't know. By the end of the night she had come back out and was acting like she always does. At least the way she always acts around me anyway.”

“I'm really sorry about all of this. You shouldn't have to bear the brunt of all the mistakes I made. I'm just trying to keep the faith things are going to work out.”

“Things might not work out the way you think they will or the way you want them to. I know Cole really wants you to go and live at his house. Maybe you should think about it. I would miss you, but it isn't like you would be moving to another state or anything. I'm going to shower. Sorry I wasn't more help the other night.” Samantha said, as she was getting up from the table.

“It's okay. She's not your responsibility anyway, but thanks for trying.” I said, smiling at her as she left the room.

I tried to concentrate on my homework, but something my sister had said kept forcing its way back to the front of my mind. Maybe things weren't going to work out the way I thought they should. I kept trying to accept my mother's attitude as my penance for disappointing her. Did I have it all wrong?

Should I really have to still be sorry for disappointing them and paying for it? Maybe I should move in with Cole. How bad could it really be compared with what I was putting up with here at home? Maybe space from my mother was what was needed for things to work out in whatever way they were going to.

I got up and put my homework in my room. Victoria was sleeping so I took the monitor and went out onto the front porch of the house. It was late-October, my seventeenth birthday was only a few days away, and the really nice days were becoming fewer.

My thoughts leapt from one thing to another. I heard my name being called and pulled myself out long enough to notice where the voice was coming from.

Mrs. Tompkins was coming up the front walk to the very porch I was sitting on.

“Hello Mrs. Tompkins. How are you doing today?”

“I'm doing just fine. How is your beautiful daughter?” she asked.

“She's doing well. Right now she is taking a nap after keeping her daddy up half the night.” I smiled at her.

“Ah, I remember nights like those.” She said as she climbed the porch stairs. “I wondered where you were last night. I happened to notice your car wasn't here.”

I just smiled at her. I didn't really think she needed any more confirmation than I had already given her.

She sat down next to me on the top step. “You know, I remember thinking it would never get better, I would never sleep again. But it does and it would be helpful if you had more assistance than you do.”

I looked at her with a startled expression. How did she know what went on in our house and I didn't have any help?

“I told you before I know what it's like for you here. I'm well acquainted your parents and know what it was like for her growing up here without a father. I've gained some perspective at my age and if you need to talk to someone it will go no further than my ears. I may be a little bit of a gossip, but it's only because I notice things.”

Trying to resist the urge to laugh was almost impossible. A little bit of a gossip? She was the president of the blabbermouths in town. Should I trust her and talk to her? I didn't really have anyone else who was outside of the situation who could possibly provide some perspective.

“Well, I'm trying to work something out in my head.” I said, smiling to myself. As if it was just one thing. “Something my sister said to me earlier.”

“I assume it has something to do with your mother's attitude toward you and your child.”

“Yeah.” I grimaced. “I keep trying to wait her out, to see if she'll ever accept Victoria or me. I understand I let her down. I don't want to disappoint them again, but it was so nice having Cole to help last night I'm thinking it might be better for both me and Victoria to go there permanently.”

I looked over at Mrs. Tompkins, and instead of the judgmental look I expected, she had a soft, understanding expression, making her look much younger than I thought she probably was. She reached over and took my hand in both of hers.

“I know what it is like to not have help. In my day, the fathers weren't really a hands-on sort. It has all changed and the weight of responsibilities of being a parent at sixteen are starting to really set in, aren't they?” she asked.

“Yes, I suppose they are. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I really don't want to make my parents the subject of any more gossip in town and my moving might.” I said, starting to let my frustration show.

“Let me give you a little advice, and you're just going to have to take me at my word. No one in town is going to think less of you or your parents if you decide to do what you think is right for you and your child. Some of them will talk, but no one who really matters to you or your family. I would suggest you give it some serious thought. Maybe a little distance is what you and your mother need right now.”