Behaving Badly (31 page)

Alan, the criminal barrister, greeted us. ‘Please make your way
right
to the back of the room there, and stand behind the central display.’

We passed the illuminated tanks, peering briefly at the Chinese alligators and the turtles and the puff-adders and rattlesnakes; then we huddled together by the giant monitor lizard, whispering like conspirators.

‘—He’s going to be
so
surprised.’

‘—Do you think they feed the snakes live animals?’

‘—Don’t you think he’ll be cross?’

‘—I’m sure I’m going to get the giggles.’

‘—I know
I
would be.’

‘—I saw a black mamba once.’

‘Nigel will be here in five minutes,’ Alan said. ‘But instead of jumping out at him, and shouting “Surprise!”, I’d like us all to drift out, casually, in twos and threes, as if it’s all perfectly normal. It’ll confuse the hell out of him.’ Suddenly his
mobile phone rang. ‘Are they? Okay. I’ll tell them. They’re coming, everyone, so could you all please keep
very
quiet.’

We smiled at each other in the semi-darkness as the tension built. I looked at the giant monitor, swaggering slowly across its pen, its elbows out, its forked tongue flicking lazily. Then we heard steps, then the creak of the door.

‘Daisy, I just don’t
get
it,’ I heard Nigel say. His voice echoed across the stone floor. ‘Why couldn’t we come here tomorrow? We’ll be late for the concert.’

‘It’s only a
little
detour,’ I heard her reply. ‘I just wanted to see the, um…blunt-nosed viper. And look, there’s a poisonous tree frog, Nige. Ooh, and look at this green mamba, it says here it should be “treated with caution”.’

‘I’m sure that’s right. But the concert is starting
now
.’

‘Oh, it won’t matter if we’re a bit late.’

‘But I don’t want to miss the Beethoven.’

Now, from our hiding place, I saw Alan step forward with his wife, Jane, then a few seconds later, Nigel’s younger brother, Jack. We heard their footsteps tapping across the floor.

‘Have you seen this spitting cobra, Nigel?’ I heard Daisy ask. ‘And there’s a
really
nice tortoise over here.’

‘
Alan
…?’ I heard Nigel suddenly say. ‘What the—?’ He emitted an odd noise, like a cross between a laugh and a hiccup. ‘And
Jane
! What the hell are
you
two doing here?’

‘We just came to wish you a Happy Birthday, Nigel,’ Alan replied.

‘Jack!’ I heard Nigel exclaim now. ‘What are
you
—? Christine?
Jon
?’ And now we were all drifting out from our hiding places in twos and threes. ‘Edward? Mary!
Mum
?’

‘Happy Birthday, darling,’ said Nigel’s mother.

‘
Miranda
? What the—?’ Nigel’s expression was one of total stupefaction.

‘Happy Birthday,’ I smiled. ‘This is David.’

‘Happy Birthday, Nigel.’

‘HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!
’ we all said.

Nigel looked at Daisy, then rolled his eyes, then laughed again and shook his head. ‘So
that’s
why we’re not going to Kenwood,’ he grinned. Daisy nodded. ‘Well—what can I say? Good
Lord!
’

‘Well, it’s not every day that you turn forty, Nigel,’ said Alan. ‘So the general view was that you ought to celebrate it.’

‘It’s like
This Is Your Life
!’

And now aproned waiters came through the doors, bearing trays of champagne and plates of canapés, and the party began. Nigel’s face was still a mask of shocked amusement as he greeted his guests. ‘I can’t
believe
it,’ he said, over and over. ‘I just can’t believe it.’ Soon the building was echoing with conversation and laughter.

‘—Have you seen that anaconda—it must be twenty foot long.’

‘—And the rest!’

‘—Weren’t you at school with Nige?’

‘—There’s a snake over there which produces enough venom to kill fifty thousand mice.’

‘—That’s right.’

‘—Wow! How many humans is
that
?’

Then we all went outside and stood in the low, slanting sunshine, by the scarlet ibis enclosure, listening to the distant whoops of the gibbons and the hoots and shrieks of the chimpanzees. Alan was explaining the choice of venue to Nigel.

‘We actually wanted the Lion Terrace, but it was already booked for another party. Plus, it wouldn’t have been possible to hide everyone there, so that’s why we went for the Reptile House.’

‘I’m glad
that’s
the reason,’ Nigel laughed, with a large sip of champagne. ‘I was worried! And how long have you been planning this?’

‘Just under three weeks. Daisy drew up the list.’ Daisy smiled.

‘Well, it’s…amazing,’ said Nigel, surveying the throng. ‘It’s just…amazing,’ he repeated wonderingly. He ran his hand through his thinning hair. ‘What a
tremendous
surprise.’ He finished his champagne, and then took a fresh glass. Indeed, the drink was really flowing, I noticed, as I introduced Daisy to David.

‘It’s
so
nice to meet you,’ she said. ‘I’ve heard such a lot about you.’
Much more than you’d like
. ‘All nice things, of course!’

David smiled. ‘It’s good to meet you too, Daisy. I’ve brought my tiny camera with me,’ he said. ‘Would you like me to go round and take a few shots?’

‘You don’t have to do that,’ she said. ‘You’re off duty.’

‘I don’t mind at all.’

‘Well, that would be wonderful,’ she said. ‘But let me take one of you and Miranda first.’ David handed her the camera, then slid his arm around my waist. I leaned into him. ‘You look perfect together,’ Daisy called out. ‘And another one.’ David gave my cheek an extravagant kiss.

‘That’s lovely!’ Daisy giggled. Then she handed the camera back. ‘He’s
very
attractive,’ she whispered, as David wandered into the crowd. ‘Plus he’s obviously
nuts
about you.’

‘Do you really think so?’

‘God, yes. You can see it. The way he looks at you. So hang
on
to him, Miranda.’

‘I will—if I
can
.’
God knows, I want to
.

As I followed David, I passed Mary.

‘Oh yes, the
eternal
bachelor,’ I heard her say wearily. ‘But
very sweet. Oh, no,
I
was
never
interested in him.’ I smiled to myself. ‘Goodness me—
no
. Not my type.’

I watched David snapping away. He was so inconspicuous that no one realized that he was even doing it. He moved amongst the throng, casually framing and firing, then moving on without being noticed. His shots were slanting, oblique. The detachment probably suited him, psychologically, I realized. It was as though he needed to filter people through his viewfinder first.

‘I just wanted to get them done while the light holds,’ he said, as I caught up with him.

‘Shall I get you another glass of champagne?’

‘Yes please.’

As I made my way over to the nearest waiter, I heard Nigel’s fellow bonsai-fanciers admiring the eucalyptus tree.

‘—It would look great if it was ten inches tall, wouldn’t it?’

‘—Mm. But eucalypts are
very
tricky.’

‘—But they’re so rewarding.’

‘—You have to keep them cold to discourage new growth.’

As I took a glass of champagne for David, I noticed Nigel downing his in two gulps. He doesn’t usually drink much, so I guessed it was the emotion of the occasion. At the same time, I thought Daisy look strained.

‘It’s a great party,’ I whispered. ‘Are you enjoying it?’

‘Oh…yes. It’s quite a success.’ In the distance we could hear the gentle strains of a string quartet. ‘That must be the other party,’ she said. ‘We could have had music, but we decided against it.’

‘And what are you doing tomorrow?’

‘Erm… I’m going microlighting.’

‘Again?’

‘Yes. You see, I loved it last week. I just…
loved
it.’

‘But don’t you want to do something with Nigel?’

She shrugged. ‘Well, I
would
have done. But he’s got to work. You know how it is with Nige.’ I glanced at him. ‘He never stops. Especially at the moment.’

‘At least he’s having a good time tonight.’

‘That’s true—but he’s drinking too much.’

I looked at him. He did look slightly red in the face. ‘Well…if he can’t get a bit pissed on his fortieth, when can he, Daisy…?’

‘I’m going to keep quiet about the M question by the way,’ she murmured.

‘
Are
you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

She shrugged. ‘I…don’t know. I’ve just decided—
que sera, sera
.’

Suddenly, David reappeared. ‘I think I’ve got everyone, Daisy. I’ll e-mail them to Miranda and she can send them on to you. Are we allowed to wander round the zoo, by the way?’

‘I don’t think we can go very far. Alan said they want us to stay in this area because they don’t want us unsettling the animals. Oh, I’ve just got to have a word with the waiter—will you excuse me?’

So David and I went for a short walk. And we were just looking at the sloth bears on Bear Mountain when we heard rapid footsteps behind us.

‘Where’s the
bloody
exit?’ demanded a familiar voice. I turned and there was Lily, looking elegant but indignant. ‘How the
hell
do you get
out
of here?’

‘Lily?’

‘Miranda!’

‘Hi. You’re not at this party, are you?’

‘No. I’ve just been to the one at the Lion Terrace—Nancy de Nobriga’s bash—and I got lost trying to find my way out.’

‘Were the lions fun?’

‘No—they were asleep—lazy buggers—but we did spot the missing lynx.’ Now she suddenly noticed David and did a double take. ‘D.J. White? Good God!’

‘Hello, Lily.’

‘What are
you
doing here?’

‘Well, I’m here with…’ He nodded at me, and Lily’s elegantly plucked eyebrows rose half an inch up her high, domed forehead.

‘I
see
,’ she said with an insinuating smirk. ‘So you’re… “walking out together”, are you?’

‘You could say that,’ David smiled.

‘Well
you’re
a sly one, Miranda,’ Lily snorted. ‘I had
no
idea. So did you know each other before…?’

‘No,’ I replied. ‘We didn’t.’

‘We met through you, actually,’ David said.

‘You
did
?’

‘Yes.’ My pulse started to race. ‘Because if you hadn’t commissioned me to take Miranda’s photograph, I would never have met her.’

‘Of course. I remember that now,’ said Lily.

I felt goose-bumps suddenly stipple my arms.

‘I don’t know why you thought of
me
to do that particular job,’ David went on. ‘But I’m very glad you did.’

‘Oh, but it wasn’t
my
idea!’ Lily exclaimed.

‘What do you mean?’

‘It was Miranda’s.’

I felt as though I’d fallen down a mineshaft.

‘Miranda’s?’
David repeated. He looked at me, dumbfounded.

‘Yes,’ said Lily. ‘
She
suggested you—didn’t you, Miranda?—
and I must say it was a
brilliant
idea. Anyway, I can’t stand here gossiping. I’ve got two other parties to get to, and my driver’s waiting, so could you please tell me how to get
out
?’ David pointed her in the right direction, then she blew us a kiss and was gone.

‘You
asked
Lily to commission me?’ David said. His brow was corrugated in puzzlement.

‘Yes,’ I said quietly. ‘That’s right.’

‘But
why
? You didn’t know anything about me, Miranda.’
Oh yes I did
. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘Because… I saw that photo you did…the one on the front of the
Guardian G2
.’ The lines on David’s forehead began to clear. ‘And… I thought it was…so good. And I was with Lily at the time and she was wondering who to get to take the pictures—and so,’ I shrugged, ‘I suggested
you
.’

David was shaking his head in bewilderment. Then he smiled. ‘So you actually
wanted
to meet me?’

Oh yes
. ‘Yes. I did.’

‘Because you liked my work?’

‘That’s…right.’

‘So you
engineered
it all?’ I nodded. He smiled, and then laughed. ‘Well, you
are
a dark horse. But why didn’t you tell me before?’

I looked away. ‘I don’t really know.’

‘Well… I feel…quite flattered. So you specifically wanted
me
to take your photograph?’

I nodded. ‘And… Lily thought it was a good idea, and so she called you, and you came to my house that day and took my picture.’

David held his breath for a moment, then exhaled with a sudden burst of laughter. ‘You are
funny
, Miss Behaviour.’ He had clearly believed me. My anxiety flooded away. ‘Is
that
why you asked me to stay for a beer that evening?’

No, that’s not the reason
. ‘Yes,’ I replied quietly. ‘That’s right.’

‘You are an
intriguing
woman, Miranda Sweet.’
Yes, I am. I’m intriguing. It makes me feel awful
. ‘There are times when I just don’t know what to make of you,’ he said. ‘I—Oh, what’s happening now?’

Alan had clapped his hands. ‘Ladies and gentlemen! Can I have your attention please…
please
, everyone?’ The babble of voices dipped to silence, then, out of the gathering darkness, a waitress stepped forward, bearing a huge, flaming cake.

‘
Happy Birthday to you
,’ Alan sang.

‘
Happy Birthday to you
,’ we all joined in.

‘
Happy Birthday dear Nig-el
.’

‘
Happy Birthday TO YOU!!!
’

Everyone applauded as Nigel walked, or rather staggered, over to the cake and blew on it noisily.

‘—Careful Nige!’