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Chapter Five

The Real Reality Show

R
eality shows are very popular, but most people know they’re scripted. That’s why they have writers. At
The Tonight Show,
we had a real reality show without the cameras. It was going on
backstage, and it featured the same guests as the ones onstage. On a typical day guests arrived in limos, tended to their hair, makeup, and wardrobe. They hung out in their dressing rooms and chatted with Jay until show time.
Then they left. Not much excitement. As a producer, I liked it that way. You try to anticipate every possible thing that can go wrong so you can deal with it. But sometimes stuff just happened. There were joyous moments, fun moments, silly, outrageous, uncomfortable, bizarre, and even touching moments. These are the stand-out episodes in our reality show.

Dr. Phil

As the world’s most famous shrink, Dr. Phil McGraw could always be counted on to deliver the goods as a guest. The TV psychologist had little patience for whiny people who didn’t accept responsibility for their own actions, and audiences never seemed to tire of his no-nonsense view of right and wrong. Like many of Jay’s best guests, Dr. Phil was very competitive with Jay. This made for great discussions because neither wanted to be upstaged by the other.

They once had a spirited conversation about the nature of happiness. Jay called it a privilege: “I know a lot of people are depressed because they think they’re supposed to be happy all the time. Happiness should be an occasional thing . . . something you look forward to.” Dr. Phil described happiness as neither a right nor a privilege but as a choice. He said people mistakenly confuse happiness with fun: “Happiness can be a feeling that comes from filling your days with what matters to you, living authentically, or working for what you want.” Ironically, Dr. Phil chose to be unhappy with
The Tonight Show
and never returned after an October 2009 guest spot
.
Our publicity staff had promised him Jay’s next appearance would be on
Dr. Phil
,
but instead they booked him on
Oprah
. It was a tough call, but the right one, made under extenuating circumstances. Jay was on
Oprah
in January 2010 when his reputation was at an all-time low and his very future in television was at stake.
The Jay Leno Show
had been cancelled after a disastrous four-month run in prime time. Jay would be returning to host
The Tonight Show
in March amidst a barrage of horrendous press brought on by NBC’s cancellation of Conan’s stint as host of
Tonight.
Conan’s run on
Tonight
was disastrous, hemorrhaging 50 percent of
Tonight’s
viewers. He had failed to appeal to the show’s mainstream audience, which didn’t seem to matter to him, his angry “Team Coco” viewers, or much of the press. So Jay had a lot of “splainin’” to do. (See chapter fifteen.) Debbie Vickers and the publicity team decided
Oprah
was the best show to explain the crisis from Jay’s point of view, which we believed the press was ignoring. Dr. Phil didn’t see it that way. To him, a deal was a deal and Jay had broken his agreement. Of course, Dr. Phil was also aware an exclusive interview with Jay, then the most controversial man in America, would have been a ratings bonanza for him, as it was for
Oprah
.

Later, the matter came to a head when we offered to book Dr. Phil on our show again. His producers reacted sharply. Angry phone calls followed. My colleagues and I were called into the conference room to do damage control. Debbie got on the phone with Dr. Phil’s people, taking full responsibility for the
Oprah
booking. She said our show was in a precarious position, and she thought the
Oprah
interview would best serve our needs under the circumstances. They weren’t b
uying her argument, and the crisis escalated as Dr. Phil
joined the phone conversation. We put him on speaker phone and listened as he angrily talked over Debbie
’s attempts to apologize and her pleas for understanding. His voice got louder and louder and then he hung up. Jay joined us and, ever the peacemaker, he wanted to talk directly to Dr. Phil
. We warned him not to do it, but he made the call anyway. Dr. Phil
would not be placated. He chose instead to continue not being happy with us and launched into a tirade, which seemed to go on for about an hour. There was
no stopping the trained psychologist, who has counseled many
on his show about anger management. Nevertheless, Jay continued
to try to reason with Dr. Phil, calmly pointing out that he thought the TV psychologist was friends with
Oprah, who had launched his television career. Jay’s pleas fel
l upon deaf ears.

If this had been a reality show, it would have been great. But in real life there’s no upside when a popular guest like Dr. Phil writes you off, no matter who’s at fault. Not only did we lose a valuable, bankable guest, but Letterman gained one. As Dr. Phil is wont to say to his television patients when they make bad life choices: “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”

Judge Judy and John Elway

Judy Sheindlin was a regular on Jay’s show from 1998 to 2000. The reality-show judge was always popular, even in the early days of her TV career. I understood her appeal. Like Dr. Phil, she didn’t tolerate stupidity. In her courtroom she was the judge and the queen. I usually got along well with her, though we did cross swords in February 1999, when I told her I had to move her from the coveted first guest position to the second slot to make way for Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway and his coach Mike Shanahan. This was a huge, last-minute booking; the Broncos had just won their second straight Super Bowl and John was named MVP. The sports press was abuzz with speculation that John would soon be announcing his retirement, perhaps on our show. Of course, none of this meant anything to Judge Judy, who told me she wasn’t happy to be playing second fiddle to a mere football player and coach she had never heard of. She didn’t even know the Broncos had won the Super Bowl, or that they were in it, for that matter. I felt like a defendant on her show who had just been found guilty of some moronic crime. Nevertheless, she honored her commitment to do the show, and when she showed up, she was actually smiling. It seems her grandchildren knew quite well who John Elway was, and they were excited because Grandma had promised them all autographed footballs. She was carrying a huge plastic bag full of footballs when she arrived. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we did not allow excessive autograph requests. I don’t think I could have stopped her anyway, and thankfully John was happy to oblige. Judge Judy was now John’s biggest fan and was educating me about his career highlights.

Incidentally, John did not announce his retirement that night, but he did do so two months later. He would be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in 2004. Today he is the executive vice president of football operations for the Broncos. As for Judge Judy, her reality courtroom program became number-one on daytime TV, beating Oprah’s numbers. She also became the highest paid star on TV, earning $47 million annually.

Garth Brooks

Garth Brooks was a friend of the show, and one of Jay’s favorites. In fact, Jay extended Garth the honor of making the last guest appearance on the final episode, February 6, 2014. At Jay’s request, the legendary country singer played his classic hit “The Dance.” After that, Jay delivered a tearful goodbye to his audience and called on his old friend one last time. “Now that I’ve brought the room down, hey, Garth, you got anything to liven this party up?” Garth obliged with his iconic hit “Friends in Low Places.”

Garth insisted on launching every one of his new albums on Jay’s show, saying it brought him good luck. That may be, but I think talent also had something to do with his phenomenal success. Only the Beatles and Elvis Presley have sold more albums.

Jay and Garth had an easygoing relationship backstage. One day while I was talking to the country music star, Jay joined us and just started singing an old country song called “Wolverton Mountain.” The lyrics were silly, verging on absurd, but Jay had a penchant for corny, old songs and had memorized the lyrics to hundreds of them. Before Jay had finished the first verse, I joined in:

They say don’t go on Wolverton Mountain

If you’re looking for a wife

‘Cause Clifton Cowers has a pretty young daughter

He’s might handy with a gun and a knife

Jay signaled to Garth to join us as we started verse two, but Garth just stood there, staring in bemused bewilderment, saying he had never heard of the song. Jay and I were incredulous. How in the world could Garth—the world’s most prominent country singer—not have heard of this classic song? It turns out the song was a big hit in 1962, the year Garth was born. Maybe we should have cut him a little slack.

Garth was a gentleman to all, backstage and onstage, but he was a little quirky. He would never travel anywhere without his wardrobe trunk number seven, which included buckeyes given to him by a fan in Ohio years ago. He was also obsessed with brushing his teeth, and I frequently encountered him in the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. When I asked him about it, he admitted he was addicted to clean teeth, brushing them fifteen to twenty times a day, once for as long as two and a half hours. His generosity was legendary. He would often buy luxury cars and other expensive items for members of his management team. One afternoon he and his band were rehearsing the song they would be playing on the show that night. Bob Whyley, our audio mixer, happened to comment to Garth that the Martin acoustic guitar he was playing was beautiful.

“You like it?” Garth asked. “Yes,” Bob replied. “Then it’s yours,” Garth said as he handed Bob the $3,500 instrument. I had the same thought Bob did, but he said it first! After that, I had to literally force myself never to say anything to Garth about his guitar. Believe me, it wasn’t easy.

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt,
and Emmylou Harris

A Dolly segment was like money in the bank. She was always cheerful and would talk about anything, including her chest size, her regular visits to the plastic surgeon, her vast collection of shoes and wigs, and her endless quarrels with her husband, Carl. Her singing voice was natural and pure even though she had no formal music training and had never learned how to harmonize. Even so, many singers loved to team up with her, including Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris. They called themselves “Trio.”

Trio sang beautiful songs, but while Dolly was always a pleasure to work with, Linda and Emmylou always seemed to be unhappy about something, especially Jay’s monologue jokes about President Clinton. I tried to explain to them that Jay made fun of all politicians, but that just made them more agitated. I could never understand how Dolly was able to put up with those two. Of course, both Linda and Emmylou were solo singers, and without Dolly they could be very annoying. In a 1995 appearance, Linda told Jay she was barely able to get through her song because she was offended by something fellow guest Robin Quivers had said. Jay had asked Howard Stern’s radio sidekick if she should stand up for blacks and women during his rants, which were often laced with racial and sexual overtones. Robin, who is black, replied: “People tell me I’m supposed to, but I don’t find it necessary.” The audience picked up on Linda’s self-righteous attitude and booed her. Jay rescued her by saying she had a right to express her opinion and should be allowed to speak. Rather than let it drop, Linda forged ahead: “I can tell you as a woman and a Mexican American I feel he [Howard] is very offensive and extremely irresponsible.” Robin quickly defended her boss: “I think people who listen to the show understand what we’re doing.” To which Linda responded: “I don’t listen to it. . . . I think you’re shilling for him, and I think he’s taking advantage of you.” This little tiff went on for about five minutes and was painful to watch. The irony is that many people probably agree with Linda. I do. But an entertainer’s primary job is to entertain, not preach.

The last time I worked with Emmylou, her publicist insisted she had plenty of fun stuff to talk with Jay about, such as her love of baseball and singing the National Anthem at baseball games. But when I asked her about those topics, she said I needed to come up with better questions. Twenty-five questions later she still had no stories. Searching for anything, I asked her how her dog was. I didn’t even know if she had a dog. It turns out she did because she told me: “My dog just died two weeks ago. I hope you’re happy.” Of course, I had no way of knowing this and felt terrible. She didn’t do an interview with Jay that night, and it was probably for the best.

George Jones

In my opinion, the late George Jones was the greatest country singer who ever lived, and he sang the greatest country song ever written: “He Stopped Loving Her Today.” As a kid I used to go to his concerts. He had a great comeback for hecklers: “I thought I told you to wait out in the truck,” he would say.

When he was booked to appear on Leno, I was thrilled at the thought of talking with him about his old concerts, but I soon realized he had no recollection of them, or much of anything else. I suspect his long battle with alcohol and cocaine addictions had taken a toll. It’s sad when a country singer actually lives the life he sings about.

He was scheduled to do a duet with the legendary Loretta Lynn. As they rehearsed their song, she suddenly took ill. So George decided he would sing his classic. I couldn’t believe it. My favorite country singer was going to sing my favorite song. There was a great story to go along with the song; if only George had been capable of telling it to Jay. It seems George initially didn’t like the poignant, ironic lyrics about a man’s abiding devotion to a former love, which is so strong that it only ends when he dies. After recording the tune by Bobby Braddock and Curly Putnam, George told his producer, “Nobody will buy that morbid son of a bitch.” Yet the song he so disliked won a Grammy, saved his sagging career, and launched his comeback.