Being Emily (24 page)

THE RIVER WAS
stagnant in the heat with nae visible movement; green and brown with big round slabbery white bits floating, as if a giant had spat intae it. We stood on the bridge and stared at the dull surface. On a day like this it should be lovely tae stare at the river, flowing and sparkling, frills of leaves reflected in the water, but the Kelvin looked like the congealed surface of a pan of stock that needed skimmed. It never really looks clean except when it tummles and races after heavy rain, but even then you’re mair likely to see a poly bag or an old shoe being swept alang than you are a fish. Even the ducks were stupefied by the heat; two of them squashed thegether side by side on a rock.

They’re this year’s babies
,
I said.
Look how big they’ve got
.

Aye
, Jas pointed.
See that greenish patch on its heid catching
the light – looks as if it’ll be a male
.

D’you think they’re happy?

Jas laughed.
Mibbe no the day – too hot – but in Glasgow, with
all the rain we get, they should be the happiest ducks in the world
.

Nearly every day I pass by here, watch them grow. And it seems
as if everything’s the same, one wee stretch of manky river
.

Jas took my airm.
You need a change of scene. Now you’ve
finished the artwork why don’t you come up tae Aberdeen for a visit?

I’d like that
.

Cool. Next weekend, after my exams are over. Now, let’s go and
get an ice-cream
.

I’d a meeting with my tutor next day and I was dreading it. When I keeked round his door he barely glanced at me, just waved in the direction of a chair and continued with his emails. After what seemed like ages, he clicked the mouse and the screen changed tae a Miro design. He swivelled his chair round to face me.
So, Fiona – how d’you feel about yesterday?

His face was deeply lined; he had a house in Spain and spent the summers there. He’d obviously been quite handsome when he was younger – the photie on the website was carefully posed and he looked about thirty-five – but the sun damage and the reddening of his cheeks caused by fondness for wine and whisky made him look nearer fifty close up. I knew I should tell him what he wanted to hear about the technical success of the piece, the symbolism, the audience reaction and what I might of done differently in hindsight – all the stuff that was supposed to be part of the reflective process they were always telling us was crucial for an artist. I minded the words in his first lecture.
We’re not here to teach
you to make art – if you want to learn that go to evening classes
in watercolour painting or macramé – we’re here to help you become
artists
.

I said,
I feel like crap, actually
.

He threw his heid back and laughed. Then he lifted a paintbrush on his desk and twirled it round, stroking the bristles.
Can we be a little more specific?

I shrugged.
I thought I was here tae find out what you and the
external tutor thought of it
.

He leaned back in his seat.
Fiona, you know as well as I do
that moderation is an integral part of the artistic process, not just
something added on at the end. Otherwise, why not have the lecturers
standing holding up bits of card with numbers on them, like the
judges of ‘Come Dancing’
. He put the brush down and looked at me.

Well, the fire worked, the way I’d hoped
…

Whether it works technically or not isn’t really the point
.

I didnae say anything, watched as he linked his fingers, pressing his palms thegether. He’d podgy smooth skin, gnarled round the joints.

If the whole building had gone on fire then the observation I
presume you intended to make about isolation and communality of
urban life would have been a different one. Instead of being isolated
in his wretchedness, your little man’s misery would spread to his
neighbours, destroying their worlds – you’d make exactly the opposite
point you set out to make but that is as valid a position as the
other
.

I couldnae take this any longer.

Dae I get a mark or something for this?

He took a sheet of typed paper from the printer, folded it in two and stuck it in a brown paper envelope which he held out to me.
Fiona, you seem a bit upset today but sometimes it’s like
that after a show – why don’t you come and discuss this with me
later when you’ve calmed down. Before the end of next week though
– I’m off early on sabbatical
.

Jas was waiting for me in Giardini’s.

What did he say?

Oh, a lot of pish
.

You need a coffee
.

I placed the envelope on the table in front of me. It was damp and the paper stuck to the formica slightly. When Jas got back fae the counter he lifted the envelope and wiped it wi a paper napkin.
You no gonnae open this?

I don’t care
.

Aye you dae
.

Okay I dae, but
…

Is it your da?

I’ve never seen him that upset except about Mammy
.

It’s no nice to hurt your family but an artist cannae be constrained
by that
.

An artist mibbe. If I’d produced something that was worth hurting
him, mibbe. But setting a doll’s house on fire? Mibbe I was just recycling
my feelings
.

That’s not all it was and you know it
.

I still don’t think it was worth it. Janice was furious with me.
And she’s always supported me being an artist
.

It doesnae mean she’s always right. Look, drink your coffee afore
it gets cold
.

I took a sip; it was creamy, slightly sticky on my tongue.

Look at Shelley
.

What about him?

He never bothered about what his family thought, he done what
he thought was right
.

And look at the trail of devastation he left behind him
.

But look at the poetry. And Emily Brontë – did she sit about
worrying whether her da liked ‘Wuthering Heights’?

I’m nae Shelley. Or Emily Brontë
.

How d’you know? You’ve no even opened the envelope to see what
they say about it
.

I looked at it, lying beside the plate, damp around the edges and with a trail of crumbs across it.

Jas, you wouldnae even study literature or art because your family
wanted you tae be a pharmacist
.

He put his haund on mines.
Fiona, I’m perfectly happy studying
pharmacy
.

You could of went tae Art School
.

Aye great and then there’d be two of us sitting here, angst ridden.
Gies a break
. He grinned.
And for God’s sake are you gonnae open
this envelope or do I have to do it myself?

The comments, from baith my own tutor and an external moderator, were embarrassingly good. They praised it up to the skies and read intae it things I’d never even thought of. The only bit they were less enthusiastic about was the references to Branwell and Emily which they described as ‘over-icing the cake’. But they’d gied me an A and said it was being considered for a prize and a travel bursary.

I’d be lying if I said it didnae make me feel a bit better but there was still a lump in my throat. And I knew it wouldnae go away till I talked to my da.

Mona was in the kitchen making toasted cheese while Grace slept in her buggy.

I’m surprised at you comin here after yesterday
.

Gie it a rest, Mona
.

He’s been like that ever since we got back
. She nodded through tae the living room where my da sat, as usual, on the settee.

He’s been like that for the last three year, Mona
.

Don’t try tae justify what you done
.

I’m no. Just let me deal with it
.

Declan too, all that work on the house and you set it on
fire
.

Mona
…

She snorted.

Mona!
I gestured at the grill where smoke was beginning to emerge.

Oh Christ!

Just as she pulled it out the smoke alarm let out a high-pitched wailing. Grace woke and started to cry. Mona turned tae me,
Noo look what you’ve done!

I switched the alarm aff and went through tae the living room.

What’s up?

Smoke alarm. It’s okay. Mona burned the toast
.

I was just having a wee nap
.

Aye, so was Grace
.

I sat doon beside him.
Da
.

Aye hen
.

Da, about yesterday
.

Ach, ah’m sorry
.

You’re sorry?

Ah didnae mean tae greet. Couldnae help it
.

It’s me who’s sorry. I didnae mean tae hurt your feelings
.

You never
.

Aye I did
.

Ah was just proud of you, that’s all
.

Janice thought
…

Ach, Janice is great. But she’s like your mammy, always trying tae
protect folk. Look, hen, ah know hee-haw about art, and even less
about modern art. But sittin there wi all they folk round about,
watching somethin you made
…

I was beginning tae get well confused. Had he no realised what the installation was about, how it had been inspired?

But the fire
…

Fiona. Ah’m mair ashamed than ah can say about what ah done.
There’s no a day goes by when ah don’t look round this hoose and
think about it. There’s no a night goes by when ah don’t talk to your
mammy about it. Ah know that sounds daft
.

It’s no
.

It is, but ah don’t even care
. He turned round, took my haund in his rough sandpapery one.
Ah used tae think I was an okay
guy. Ah wasnae the greatest but ah worked and supported yous, left
the day-
tae-
day stuff to your mammy. Then all of a sudden she’s gone
and it’s doon tae me. And ah made a mess of it, a big mess. Ah might
of made an even bigger mess if it hadnae been for Janice and Mrs
Kaur. She’s a great wee wumman, Jas’s ma
.

Janice tried tae talk to me about it yesterday, tried tae gie me all
the art no being just a copy of life stuff. Ah’m no daft, Fiona. Ah
know the wee guy wi the fag was me – you even gied him a jumper
like mines. But it was the truth. And nae matter how much we don’t
like the truth, we have to face it
.

He put his haund on mines, nodded towards the kitchen.
Away and see if Mona’s rescued thon toasted cheese, hen
.

THAT NIGHT JAS
and me wandered in the Botanic Gardens. It was still hot, too hot – felt as though the sky would explode if it didnae rain soon and bring relief. The park was mobbed; folk laid out on the big grassy slopes, making the maist of the unusual Glasgow heatwave – even wee toddlers out way past their bedtimes. We heided alang the path that led tae the Arboretum where there was mair of a breeze. We lay on the grass, watching leaves ripple across the clear sky.

I arranged for us to meet up with Amrik and Patric later tonight.
Amrik’s playing in the café
. Jas leaned on one elbow and looked doon at me.
If it’s all right with you
.

I looked intae his eyes, so clear and clean, minding the first time I’d done so.

Is it cool with you, Jas?

Course. There’s nae point in pretending. Stuff has happened and
we’ve all been hurt. But now, this is how it is
.

My da was talking about that the day. How we need tae face the
truth
.

Jas nodded.

I sat up.
Jas, how can you be so … good?

Jas threw back his heid and laughed. He giggled so much he put his haund on his side.
Oh God, that is sore, don’t make
me laugh
.

It’s no funny
.

It is funny. Saint Jaswinder. Mibbe the Pope’ll canonise me – I
could be the first Sikh Catholic saint
.

I don’t get it
.

Fiona, don’t you think I wanted to strangle Amrik when you
two went off thegether? Don’t you think I wanted to strangle you
too? It’s only natural. But things worked themselves out and now
Amrik has found Patric and you and me are back thegether. It’s
good
.

But
…

Amrik is my brother, Fiona. I love him. Patric is your brother. And
you can forgive your brother anything
.

Truth. Facing the truth.

They were all happily facing the truth. Except they didnae know what it was. If I went alang with this, I’d be hiding the truth for the rest of my life. And if I pulled the truth out intae the light? Jas said he could forgive Amrik anything. But could he forgive me?

I had to speak tae Amrik alone and my chance came that night. When we met in the lounge of Patric’s hotel for a drink afore the gig, Patric and Jas went up to the bar thegether. It
was very busy, crowded with businessmen on a convention. While they waited to be served, I sat with Amrik.

I have to ask you something, Amrik. It’s important
.

Shoot
.

Do Jas or Patric know about the baby?

The baby?

Our baby
.

Amrik took a deep breath. He reached across, brushed my haund lightly with his then withdrew it.
Fiona, there was no
baby
.

I had a miscarriage
.

You had a very heavy period which contained the remains of an
unviable … foetus
.

His eyes were so dark I could read nothing in them but his voice, though firm, was not unkind, merely factual.

I was pregnant
.

He shrugged.

I was
.

Fiona, I know it was a very upsetting time. I’m sorry. But it’s not
the worst thing that has happened to you. You’re a strong woman.
You have to move on
.

That’s not the point
.

I lowered my voice as Jas crossed to us.

Becks okay, Amrik?

Cool
.

Sorry this is taking so long
.

When he left, Amrik moved to the seat next to mine.
What
is the point, Fiona?

The point is – dae Jas and Patric know?

I’ve never talked to either of them about it. Have you?

No
.

So they don’t know
.

But they should know
.

Why? Everyone seems quite happy the way things are
.

But it’s all based on a lie
.

That’s a bit melodramatic
.

Patric thinks you and me had a casual relationship
.

Amrik shrugged.
There can be different perceptions of a relationship
.

And Jas doesnae know about it either
.

Fiona, if you want to tell them of course I can’t stop you but I
think it’ll just make things more complicated than they need to be
.

They should know the truth
.

What is the truth Fiona?

Patric and Jas appeared carrying drinks.
That was a nightmare
, said Patric.

Standing, watching Amrik through the haze of spotlights. Familiar, subtle phrasing, notes that bent and quivered then came back to the truth of a pure sound. Amrik, calm and impassive as usual, within his music. I guessed that was Amrik’s only truth.

Amrik and Patric flew off tae London the next day and Jas returned tae Aberdeen. Once they’d gone I felt like someone left behind after a disaster. My life was littered with debris, all of my ain making. First I had tae decide what to dae with the remains of the house installation. My tutor wanted me to keep it and rework it for some future exhibit, but I didnae.

It’s meant to be of the moment. As soon as you start trying tae
keep it and use it for something else you lose its significance
.

I disagree, Fiona, but I’m glad you’re thinking along these lines.
Last week you were doubting the worth of your art altogether
. He smiled.
Which is, of course, one of the marks of a true artist
.

But even though I didnae want to reuse it, I didnae like tae dump it – Declan had worked so hard on it. I packed it all up in a box and left it in storage at the Art School. Mibbe later on he could fix it up for Grace.

The other debris was emotional. Even though Da had said he wasnae hurt, Mona and Rona treated me with contempt when I went up to the house and Janice hadnae phoned since last Thursday. I’d hoped it was her when I got a text on Monday but it was Shazia to say there was something about me in the local free paper. I heided round tae my da’s, reasoning that the mair I seen Mona and Rona the mair likely it was they’d just forget about the whole thing.

They were all round the kitchen table, newspaper spread out in fronty them. Da looked up.

Fiona, you’ve got a whole page in the paper, hen
.

‘Local Lass Fires Up Art World’ was the heading and my heart sank when I seen the journalist was Mr Devil’s Advocate hissel.

But instead of an investigative piece on the horrors of modern art, ninety per cent of the page was taken up with a photo of me standing looking awkward in fronty the installation and the tiny paragraph said virtually nothing apart from the fact I was at Art School. It did mention Declan’s role, however, and Mona seemed tae have completely forgotten how mad at me she’d been.

Ah’m gonnae cut this out and save it for Grace when she’s older.
She’ll be that proud her daddy’s in the paper
.

Take a copy for your scrapbook, Fiona
. My da lifted a pile of newspapers.
Ah took all these fae the close when we seen you were in it
.

Thanks, Da
.

Mona finished cutting round the article and laid it flat on the worksurface.
Want a cuppa tea, Fiona?

Restored to the bosom of my family, I sat in the living room with Mona and Rona wittering on about Mona’s wedding plans. I was barely listening when Rona shook me.
Wake up,
Fiona
.

Sorry
.

Noo all this art stuff is finished, can you fix a time tae come wi
us tae get the dress fitted?

What dress?

Are you daft or something? Your bridesmaid’s dress
.

I thought Rona—

Of course Rona’s a bridesmaid, but I’ve two sisters – you don’t
get out of it that easy
.

Thanks
.

Anyway
, said Mona,
it’s the only way we can make sure you don’t
turn up like some auld hippy
.

She kept her face straight for a moment, then she and Rona started to giggle. I shoved Rona and Mona and we collapsed over the end of the settee, all of us laughing thegether.