Being Emily (25 page)

I WENT UP
tae Aberdeen the next weekend. It was a wonderful day, sun beating doon and a breeze blowing stiff aff the sea.

Thought you said it was baltic up here
.

Don’t be fooled, it’s only doing this in your honour
.

We wandered alang the seafront, gulls wheeling and skraiking above us in the cauld blue. Then we sat on a patch of grass, looked out to where the bluegreen water became grey, at the endlessness of the ocean.

Jas
, I said.
There’s something I want to talk to you about
.

On you go
.

I don’t know if I’m daeing the right thing but – it’s about me
and Amrik
.

Fiona, I don’t need you to
…

I need to tell you
. I took a deep breath.
When Amrik and me
were thegether, I had a miscarriage
.

I could sense, rather than feel, the tension stiffening his body.

It wasnae planned – I never even knew I was pregnant. I thought
I was just having a bad period and then the doctor came and I’d to
go tae hospital. And that was what it was
.

Silence.

I looked at him and he looked out tae sea. I sat, giving him time to take it in, waited for him to say something, anything. I was prepared for anger or shock or even for him to just walk away, unable to take it. That was why I’d told him now, this afternoon, while there was still time for me to get a train back hame if everything fell apart.

You slept with Amrik
.

You knew
.

No, Fiona. Actually, I never
.

But, I though
t
…

So did I
. He turned to me.
And you carried his baby for …
how long?

They said eight weeks
.

Eight
.

He put his heid in his haunds, sat like that for what felt like ages. Then he looked up again, stared intae the distance. A patch of cloud sailed in fast, close tae the horizon, white bits flaking aff it like blossom.

It must’ve been awful for you, Fiona
.

I nodded.

He looked round.
I know I said we have to look at things as
they are. But I think I’m gonnae need some time
.

The weather turned on the way hame in the train. Clear east-coast skies wi birlin white angel clouds giving way tae lurkin
grey battleships, and by the time the train reached the outskirts of Glasgow it was dreich and drear. My heid was stuffed up and my stomach, which had been tied in churning knots throughout the journey, dulled tae a solid lumpen pain. I’d went over and over it as the scenery flew by in a blur, wondering what he was gonnae dae. The ball was in Jas’s court. If he couldnae cope with what had happened, that was us, finished.

And if I’d just kept quiet, as Amrik had said, everything would of been fine.

But I knew in my heart that it wouldnae. However awful things would be without Jas, the alternative was living with an unspoken lie for the rest of my life. And lies are like weeds; left too long they creep round healthy plants and destroy them.

It was a week afore I heard fae Jas. A week of trailing my misery round with me through the boring, routine stuff that was my life in the aftermath of the show. Before it there’d been such a build up; every waking minute spent preparing, thinking, working on this artwork, then suddenly it’s done and you realise you’ve nae clean clothes, or food in the fridge, while all the stuff you’ve ignored is sitting waiting for you. In spite of everything, that was what I still admired about Amrik, his ability to just coast through it all. But then, when things got too much hassle for him, he just disappeared.

I wondered how he and Patric managed thegether – Patric with his neat and perfect life and Amrik, floating about paying nae attention to anything except his music. On the surface they complement each other cause Patric loves taking care of the practicalities. But in some strange deep-seated way, Patric is like Amrik. He doesnae get attached tae things, moves on.

Like never owning a house, just living in someone else’s. He makes it his ain for a while, then when he’s had enough, he leaves. Sure he could afford to buy something but that would be too permanent. The only things that have any permanence in his life are us, his family.

When Jas did get in touch it was very low key, not at all how I’d expected. At night in my bed, I’d run through the scenes of what would happen when he finally contacted me. In version one of my fantasy, he wrote a long letter explaining why he could never forgive me, in version two he declared undying love. Instead, there was a text saying he’d be doon the following weekend and could we meet for a coffee.

Sitting in the front windae of Giardini’s I watched him walk up the road fae the subway. I’d always thought Jas was handsome but no stunning like Amrik; Jas’s attractiveness was that he was always animated, talking intently, waving his haunds about. But observing him when he didnae know I was looking, I realised how he was changing as he grew older. The lines of his face seemed mair defined, but he still had that softness about him, a gentle presence. He waved when he seen me, smiled. I wanted to hug him but as he came in a woman wi a buggy was leaving and he held the door open for her. Then he sat doon and said,
Hi, how are you?

Fine. How were your exams?

Okay, I think. Won’t know till July, but
.

Right
.

Pause. Deep breath. Reality time.

Fiona
.

Our knees were three inches apart but it felt like miles. I was waiting, waiting for him to say
I’m sorry but
, waiting so hard I was sure he’d said it already and I blurted out,
I understand
.

What?

I know. I spoiled everything
.

A finger touching the back of my haund, so briefly it could of been my imagination.

Fiona, that’s no it. Look, I want to be completely honest
.

I nodded.

I know it must of been terrible for you – I cannae begin tae imagine
what it was like. I’ve been gaun round and round in circles all week,
trying to work it out. And I think I’m getting there
. He paused.
But
it’s hard to come to terms with … that you and Amrik
…

You mean, you cannae forgive me
.

I hate that word – as if I was better than you. If you want forgiven,
go tae confession, Fiona. It’s no my place to forgive you
.

I looked at him, thinking, this is it, this is it, this is the last time I will see that dark shiny hair, will hear this voice.

All I can do is stop blaming you
.

He looked in my eyes.

I could feel the tears bubble up. Jas put his airms round me, whispered intae my hair.
Oh Fiona, I cannae just snap out
of it right away. But I want to, I really do
.

I gulped back my tears.
I know. I’m sorry
.

He pushed my hair back fae my foreheid.
And please, stop
saying you’re sorry
.

WHEN I LOOK
back on the time between that day and Mona’s wedding, it feels like a wee safe bubble in my life. For once, nothing much was happening, at least nothing I needed tae think about.

I’d moved back in wi my da – I was gonnae come back after the wedding anyway tae save some money, but the twins suggested I done it earlier.

It’ll be a laugh
, said Rona.

Probably the last time we’ll be thegether
, said Mona.

You can have your room back
, added Rona.
Ah’ll go in with
Mona and Grace
.

It was mental, us all squashed up thegether, but it felt good.

Jas was in Glasgow for the holidays, working in the shop. I was back in the supermarket but I didnae need tae dae as
many hours as last summer – I’d been awarded a bursary which meant I’d be okay when the new term started. I actually had spare time to help Mona and Rona with the wedding preparations and catch up with Monica and Jemma. Da was happy and everything seemed settled.

Me and Jas seen each other maist nights, sometimes went for a meal or to see a movie, other times we’d just walk and talk in the park. Or we’d spend time in the calm of his place or the madhouse that was my da’s. It was nice. I know it sounds pathetic but that’s what it was like. Jas was the same as he’d ever been but there was another layer to him, a greater strength and solidity that I was just beginning tae know. And when we kissed and held each other, even though we never went any further than we ever had, it felt deeper, mair passionate. I settled intae the relationship, no thinking about the future.

Mona looked lovely in her white dress wi puffed sleeves and a skirt like a meringue. Her hair was in an elaborate twist, looped and crossed like a Celtic knot. Me and Rona had identical frocks in turquoise, long skirts that were too narrow to walk in comfortably and a neckline that kept falling aff my shoulder, but Mona was happy and that was what mattered. My hair was pinned intae a net like a mediaeval maiden’s, hair-sprayed so the rogue curls couldnae escape. Declan was wearing a kilt, as was his brother, Aiden, the best man. It was a made-up tartan, purple and turquoise and blue.
Modern
, said Mona.

She’d wanted my da tae wear a kilt too but he put his foot doon for once.

A morning suit is what the father of the bride should be dressed in
.

And he looked surprisingly elegant in it, with a cream tie and shiny black shoes.

Jas amazed me by turning up in full Highland dress, including a sgian dubh.

It’s a traditional Sikh tartan
, he tellt Mona who believed him for hauf a minute afore she and Jas burst out laughing.

Father O’Hara done the ceremony, much to Mona’s disgust. She’d taken a shine to the new wee priest who was a big fan of Grace, but he was away.

I just hope he doesnae start talkin aboot the missions
, she said.

But even Mona was pleased with the service. The altar was decked out wi lilies, the chapel full tae bursting and what wi the cantor’s resounding soprano and Father O’Hara’s sermon about young love and walking haund in haund wi God tae build a family there was barely a dry eye in the place.

Da had planned tae hold the reception in the parish hall but Patric stepped in and insisted on paying for a fancy do in the hotel where he stayed when he came to Glasgow. Apparently he was well in with the owner due tae some business deal he’d arranged with one of his London friends so he got it for a great price. This helped soothe my da’s pride and Mona was over the moon. The meal was fantastic and the function room elegant and airy but I think the hotel management didnae know what hit them when the evening guests arrived and the dancing started. It was all very sedate at first, with Declan and Mona and my da and Declan’s ma on the flair for the waltz, but later on some of the twins’ dancing pals, all fake tan and floral frocks, done a display. The only person who never danced was Amrik. Patric had suggested he should play the sitar but Amrik refused.
Thank God for that
, said Mona.

I was watching my da teach Jas’s ma the finer points of the hokey-cokey when Jas came up behind me.

East meets West. The city council would love this – some kind of
cross-cultural box they could tick there
.

I know
.

Let’s creep off
.

We cannae, it’s rude to leave afore the bride
.

She won’t be leaving. Mona and Declan are staying here the night
.

I still don’t think we should go
.

They’ll be at it for hours yet. Come. I want to show you something
.

I was intrigued, of course, couldnae figure out why Jas would drag me away fae my ain sister’s wedding party.

There were taxis waiting outside the hotel and Jas led me intae the first one.
It’s a surprise
, he said and gied the driver a piece of paper. The guy nodded and set aff.

There was nae surprise as the cab sped alang familiar streets. I thought for a minute Jas was gonnae stop at his ma’s house but we went past it and when the taxi turned the corner near the park I knew.

Jas, why are we …

Just wait
.

He led me in the close and up the familiar stair. It was the first time I’d been there since that night I’d run all the way here and found it boarded up. Since then I’d never even had the courage tae walk alang the street, let alone return to the house.

I knew every tile: the missing one outside the Flanagans’ house, the crack in the border tile on the first landing. Mrs Jackson had painted her door green and the Flanagans had a new doormat wi a picture of a dug on it, but apart fae that everything was the same.

There was nae sign of smoke damage and the door looked
better than when we lived there as it had been revarnished. Jas unlocked the door, let me go in front of him intae the hall. The boards were bare, the walls newly plastered. An unshaded bulb hung fae the ceiling, casting bright light intae every corner.

Jas?

He led me through each room, one by one. The flat felt huge without the crush of furniture and people; light flooded fae the uncurtained windaes. When we entered the kitchen I gasped – all the units had been ripped out, the pipes and electric wires were exposed.

What’s happening? How did you get the keys?

My uncle knows the builder who’s doing it up. The guy who bought
the flat after the repossession never lived in it and a few month ago
he started to do it up. This is as far as they’ve got
.

I walked across to the windae, looked out to the back court.
Feels dead strange. The same house, but so different
.

When I was wee I used tae play with the weans who lived in the flat across the landing. Because it was on the other side of the close all the rooms were the opposite way round and the furniture and carpets were different fae ours – it had always made me feel unsettled.

Jas, what’s gaun on?

The flat is for sale
.

Jas held out the key. It lay shiny and bright on his outstretched palm. I closed his fingers over it.
Jas don’t make
jokes, it’s no funny
.

He turned, paced across to the door and back to me again, kilt swaying fae side to side.

I’m sorry, Fiona, I’m an eejit, I’m daeing this the wrong way
.

He put his airms round me. The metal buttons on his jacket pressed hard intae me and my hair started tae unfankle fae
its net.
I love you
. He stepped back, took my haunds.
It’s like,
whatever else has happened, I’ve always felt this way about you. Like
that line of Shelley’s – ‘I am not thine, I am a part of thee
.’

Jas, I …

I want us to get married. Please don’t say anything, I’m no asking
for answers – it’s much too soon. I just want you to know. Before I
tell you about the house
.

There was naewhere tae sit that wasnae covered wi a thin film of plaster dust so we stood in the living room as he explained.

My da owned a property that he let out. Ma couldnae be bothered
with the hassle – she decided to sell it and split the money
between me and Amrik. I hoped we could use it for a deposit on a
house eventually, once we’d finished studying
.

Then my uncle heard about a flat that was getting done up, said
the owner was going abroad to work, might do a deal. Nae harm in
having a look. He dropped off the key this morning just as we were
about to leave for the church. It was only then I found out it was
your house. All day I’ve been thinking about it, trying to work out
what to dae. I couldnae wait, Fiona. I had to bring you here. It’s
like it was meant
.

I didnae know what to say, just looked at Jas’s eager face. I felt that my legs would collapse under me if I stood much longer. I couldnae take it in – it was all too fast, too confusing.

I’ll need time tae think
, Jas. I put my haund on his airm.
Let’s
get back to the reception
.

We arrived just as everything was fizzling out.

Where have yous been?
asked Rona.
You just missed Mona
throwing her bouquet. Caitlin caught it. And it could of been you
.

Never mind
.

After we’d said our goodbyes to Mona and Declan, Jas
made sure his ma got a taxi. Then we stood on the steps of the hotel watching folk pass by, enjoying the warm evening.

D’you feel like talking?
asked Jas.
We could go for a walk if you
like
.

No in this
, I said, tugging at the skirt of my frock.
Anyway,
I think I need a bit of time on my ain, think things through
.

Sure
. Jas took my haund and we started to go up the steps towards the hotel entrance. All of a sudden it hit me – I knew what I had to dae. I stopped, let go his haund.
Jas, wait here
– I’ll be back in five minutes
.

Patric had booked hotel rooms for our family and some of Declan’s relatives. I rushed upstairs to the room I was sharing with Rona, changed intae my jeans and shoved a few things in a bag. As I was locking the door she arrived.

Leave it, Fiona. I’m just gonnae fix my make-up and the light in
that toilet doonstairs is terrible
. She looked at me.
Did you have
to change? You looked nice
.

I’m going out with Jas
. I paused.
Rona, don’t worry if I don’t
come back to the room the night, okay?

Like I’d be shocked?

See you the morra
.

In the dark the flat looked mair familiar than it had in daylight. The light of the streetlamps softened its bareness and made the plastered walls look like pink marble. On the way I’d got the taxi to stop at my da’s, packed a rucksack while Jas waited for me. I opened it, took out a blanket and spread it on the living room flair. We sat side by side, leaning on the wall opposite the windae.

Jas put his airm round me.
This is cosy
.

Don’t get too comfy
.

It took a while to persuade Jas to leave me alone in the
flat.
I cannae
, he said, when I’d explained what I wanted to dae.
It’s no safe
.

I’ll be fine. There’s a better lock on the door than when we stayed
here and there’s neighbours around. This is something I have to dae
.

When he left I went intae the room that I used to share wi the twins, curled the blanket round me and lay on the flair, looking out at the trees. This was the first time in my life I’d ever spent the night alone in any house. In spite of what I’d said tae Jas, I felt a bit nervous, listening to the creaks and squeaks as the building settled doon intae night, but there was comfort in the familiar tenement noises; the sounds of a tap running in the flat upstairs, lights being switched off below, folk getting ready for bed.

I was wide awake. I wrapped the blanket round me like a shawl and walked through the empty rooms. Would this be the first night of many I’d spend in the house again, or was it a kind of farewell? When I’d had the notion to stay here, I’d decided on impulse, with some vague idea that the house itsel would provide answers.

But there were nae ghosts here. I remembered things that had happened, ordinary things like us having breakfast or watching TV, but they were memories I could of had anywhere. It wasnae like visiting the Brontë parsonage, where you could feel so strongly the presence of the family who’d lived there. However much I wanted, I couldnae call up the spirit of Mammy, call on her wisdom to help me decide, as if she was alive. I had to rely on the spirit inside me, the one she’d helped tae shape and form.

I stood on a creaky floorboard and the sound shattered the silence. This house had never been silent. And if Jas and me got married and had children, it would be filled with noise again.

For Jas it seemed simple.

If you want it, it’s ours
, he’d said. But, even if we bought it, done it all up, decorated it the way we wanted, could it ever really be ours? How would my da feel about us living in the house that had been his hame? I didnae think I was ready to get married so soon either – I wasnae like Mona who dreamed of walking doon the aisle in a white wedding dress. Of course I loved Jas, but I was overwhelmed.

I watched the moon creep into view in the uncurtained windae; three-quarters full with misty trails across its surface. I opened my rucksack and took out the copy of
Wuthering
Heights
I’d brought with me, turned to the familiar passage.

‘Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.’

In the twenty-first century we don’t live like this, with a great love, with a passion as vast as the ocean and pure as the stars. We are tentative and conditional; all the get-out clauses are written fae the moment we set eyes on someone. We don’t believe there is one person for us – we try out partners as we send for things on the internet, knowing we have thirty days to return them. No one expects to get married without living with their partner, or at least sleeping with them, and if it doesnae work out there is always amicable, civilised divorce. Makes sense. In our age we recognise the truth of human nature; our society accommodates it.