Being True (14 page)

And that meant less money coming in. The weekends produced most of the tips Mom used to keep us afloat. Things were lean already. Now they’d be outright meager. But I’d do whatever I needed to give Mom the support she always gave me. “Whatever you need, Mom,” I said. “I’ll do it. I can even get a job like I’ve always wanted. Okay?”

The scowl on her face gave me my answer. She’d been adamant I not work. It was her job to provide for me, and it was mine to get good grades. Education, according to Mom, was my only way out of the life she’d led. Although she never regretted marrying my father so young, she did lament not going to college. If she had, she would be better able to provide for me now. “We’ve had this discussion already,” she said. “And I won’t have it again.”

I nodded. It was useless to argue. When Grace Cobbler made up her mind, there was no changing it. “Fine.” I finished one sandwich and started on the other. As I bit into the bread, though, the expression on her face changed. It shifted from excitement about her new job to motherly concern. I’d seen it enough to read it amid the worry lines on her forehead. “What’s on your mind?”

“You know me too well,” she admitted with a smile and a sigh. “I’ve been thinking about something, and I’ve wanted to talk to you about it for a while now. I just haven’t known how to bring it up without making you upset.”

Conversations that started out that way rarely went well. But if talking about it eased my mother’s mind, I was game. “Do it like a Band-Aid,” I said. Mom chuckled. That had been one of Dad’s favorite sayings.

“It’s about your new friend Javi.”

I stopped midchew. What bad could she possibly have to say about him? “I don’t understand,” I said after I swallowed.

She thought about her words as she bit another piece from her sandwich. Whatever she had to say had to be big. Otherwise she’d just voice what was on her mind. Right now, she was treating me with kid gloves. “I’m worried about your relationship with him.” She put her sandwich on her plate and grabbed my hands. This was her standard gesture when she wanted me to really consider her words. “I see how you react when he shows up in the morning. And you’ve been spending a lot of time together.”

“And?”

“You like him,” she said with a smile. “I can tell. It’s all over your face every time you look at him or speak his name. You light up and can’t stop talking.”

I still didn’t understand where she was going. She already knew I was gay. “Okay, so what’s the problem?”

“I just don’t want to see your heart get broken. Or anything else for that matter.”

Had she found out what happened yesterday? “Javi won’t hurt me,” I said. Whether he continued to be my friend or not remained to be seen, but no matter where he and I went from here, I’d never have anything to fear from Javi Castillo.

“I’m not saying he would,” she said with a smile. “But you know better than most how mean kids can be. You already get teased enough because people think you’re gay. What’s going to happen if they see how big a crush you have on Javi? What would they do to you then?” Her eyes turned wet just thinking of the possibilities.

I rose from my chair and hugged her. It was difficult to be the parent of a child others constantly ridiculed and beat up on. It made her feel helpless. I had to do what I could to give her hope. “I’m gonna be fine, Mom,” I said as I held her tightly. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I do,” she sniffled into my shirt. “You have a picture of the two of you in your room. I’ve seen it. I know he means a lot to you, and I certainly understand why. He’s a good-looking kid, who’s been more than decent to you. But I want you to be careful, Tru.” She looked at me and gripped my forearms. “Please promise me that.”

What else could I do? I couldn’t tell her what happened between us yesterday. She’d only worry more. So I gave her what she needed. “I promise.”

I felt awful. I hadn’t told her the truth, and I’d just gotten away with a lie for the first time in my life.

Claudia had given me hope Javi might return my feelings, and after what happened in my room earlier, I’d already made up my mind to find out whether or not she was right. That wasn’t exactly being careful.

I was putting everything on the line, but Javi Castillo was worth it and so much more.

A
FTER
M
OM
left for work, I called Javi’s house three times that morning and twice in the afternoon. Each time his mother answered and told me he wasn’t home. An unusual tension caused Mrs. Castillo’s voice to quaver each time. Was she lying? Had Javi given her instructions to tell me he wasn’t home?

By three o’clock, I couldn’t take it anymore. If our friendship was over, I had to hear it straight from Javi. So I rode my bike to his house.

When I knocked on the door, Mr. Castillo answered. His tanned face broadened into a big smile as he swung the door open. At least someone in the house was happy to see me. “Tru!” he said as he stepped aside to let me in. “I was surprised you didn’t stay for dinner last night. What happened?”

How was I supposed to answer that? I couldn’t very well tell him the truth. No matter how kind Mr. Castillo was, learning his son sat had on my boner would likely reduce his kind smile to a disgusted sneer. “I had tons of homework to get finished if I wanted to go to the party tonight.” The lie flew out of my mouth before I knew what I was going to say. It seemed that once you’d lied successfully, each one after that proved much easier to tell.

“Oh, yes,” he said with a nod. “Heather’s party. Javi went on and on about it last night. It was all he talked about.”

Probably because he didn’t want the conversation to turn to why I wasn’t there. “That’s the one,” I said. I gave him an innocent smile. God, I was getting good at putting on a false front. “Is Javi home? I wanted to talk about the party tonight.”

He shook his head. “He hopped on his bike earlier this morning, and I haven’t seen him since,” he said. So he hadn’t been home when I called. That eased my worries somewhat.

But what was Javi avoiding? What happened yesterday or whatever feelings Claudia believed he may have for me?

“You want to wait for him?” Mr. Castillo asked. “I was just about to turn on the game. You can sit and watch with me.”

No. I couldn’t ambush Javi in his own home. That would accomplish nothing. It was better if we talked someplace else. “That’s okay,” I said as I turned toward the front door. “I’ve got some more homework to do before tonight. I’ll just catch up with him later.”

“Suit yourself. It gonna be a good game. The Cowboys versus the Chargers.” His face scrunched up. “I hate the Chargers.”

I shook my head and exited the house. “You enjoy,” I said before riding away.

I wasn’t going home. I was going to find Javi, and I had a pretty good idea where he’d gone.

A
FTER
A
fifteen-minute bike ride, I arrived at the park. The first time Javi brought me to North Park, he admitted he came here whenever he needed to escape, when his problems or his life stressed him out. What could be more stressful to a boy, who may or may not be questioning his sexuality, than to suddenly find his ass resting atop his friend’s boner?

The comforting shade of his favorite tree and the tweets of his feathery friends gave him the center he needed to cope. Even if the air had grown colder as south Texas approached its version of winter, he’d be there. I just knew it.

When I zoomed past the playground and the tennis courts, a smile spread across my face. Javi was hunched underneath the protective arms of our elm tree.

Well, technically, it was
Javi’s
tree. But after all the time we’d shared there, I couldn’t help but claim a small patch of grass under the majestic green canopy.

As I drew closer, I fought my rising panic. A thin sheen of sweat coated my palms, which often slipped from the handlebars, and a crushing weight pushed against my chest. It was as if some invisible bear had wrapped its arms around me and squeezed tight.

But I refused to give in. Fear wasn’t going to win.

I had no clue what was going to happen between Javi and me, but I was done going through life with my head down and my tail tucked between my legs. For too long, I’d had nothing to fight for, but I did now.

Whether Javi returned my affections or not didn’t matter.

What mattered the most was being with him. In whatever relationship we managed to carve out after yesterday.

That was definitely worth fighting for. So I bounded the curb and wheeled across the grass, stopping a few feet away from the tree. The clanking of my bike chain and the skidding of my tires announced my arrival, but he didn’t look my way. He kept his attention focused on the bird above and the whistle on his lips.

I dropped my bike and joined him under the tree, propping my back right next to his against the trunk.

I listened as he let fly a string of ten consecutive cheery notes that rose and fell in pitch but were delivered in a steady rhythm. He paused a few seconds before repeating the entire sequence again. A robin flew down and hopped on the dry grass before us. It turned its head sideways, giving us the once over, before repeating the exact same call Javi had just produced.

For about a minute, the two of them carried on a secret conversation. Were they talking about me? It sure seemed that way, especially when the robin glanced at me for a few seconds before once again singing to Javi.

The robin chirped one final shortened response before taking to the sky and flying away.

“I knew you’d find me,” Javi said once the bird had disappeared from sight.

I nodded. “Wasn’t too hard to figure out where you might be.”

“Not for you,” he said as he plucked a wide blade of grass and wrapped it around his finger. “You’re the only one who knows about this place.”

“I’m honored.” My nerves were getting the best of me. My feet refused to stop their uneasy twitching, so I drew my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Although it wasn’t terribly cold, a chill cut through my bones.

“So I guess you’re gay, huh?” It wasn’t really a question since Javi no doubt already knew the answer. It was his way of starting the conversation we had to have.

“Yeah,” I answered.

Javi began rolling the grass he plucked into a ball. “And I guess you’re what? Attracted to me?”

Did he really need me to say it? Hadn’t my boner already established that? I let loose a long sigh. Once I admitted it, there’d be no taking it back. “I think you know the answer to that.”

He nodded. “I guess I just need to hear you say it.”

“Why?” I looked at him for the first time. He was wearing faded blue jeans, and a long sleeve red and white jersey. Funnily enough, written across the chest in black letters was “Just Relax. I’ve got it all under control.”

Hopefully, that was true, but I just couldn’t tell. Since I’d met Javi, reading him had been relatively easy. His eyes reflected what was going on inside him. But when I gazed into the deep, dark chocolaty pools I still longed to wade into, I had trouble making out what I saw.

The light that perennially twinkled from within like starlight had dimmed as if some unseen turmoil churned the waters deep below.

“Don’t really know why,” he admitted with a shrug before averting his eyes.

“All right, then. Yes, I am attracted to you.” He opened his mouth to respond, but before he said whatever he was going to say, I had to clarify. “I don’t want you to think I’ve only been hanging out with you because of how I feel. There’s been no ulterior motive. I haven’t been hoping to get you alone so I could jump your bones or anything. And I’m not on some recruiting drive to increase the ranks of gay boys in this area, just so you know. You’ve been a good friend, and you were there for me when I really needed someone. And you didn’t do it out of pity, or because anyone asked you to befriend the new loser at school. You were nice to me because that’s the kind of guy you are. And I appreciate that more than I can ever tell you. So, if I’ve ruined our friendship or made it so you aren’t comfortable around me, I’m so sorry for that. I’d never do anything to hurt you. I hope you can believe that.”

“I do,” he said, and I believed him. “I just have some questions I’d like to ask you.”

“Okay.” I moved so I no longer sat next to him. I repositioned myself so we gazed at each other eye-to-eye as we’d always done. If he was comfortable enough to talk about it, I deserved to make him feel as if anything he asked would be answered truthfully and without reservation. “Go for it.”

“How long have you known?” he asked.

“That I was attracted to you or that I was gay?”

His lopsided grin teased across his lips. “Well, I assume you were attracted to me the moment you met me,” he said. The spark in his eye relit, forcing the inner storm to briefly retreat.

“You’re such an ass,” I said with a roll of my eyes.

“Which I’m sure you think is pretty hot too,” he added with a proud jut of his chin.

And just like that, the Javi I’d come to know had returned from whatever darkness had threatened to sweep him away.

I stared blankly at him. “Do you want me to answer your question or not?”

He tapped his chin in thought. “Sure,” he finally said with a nod. “We can address the hotness that is my ass later.”

I held up the first three fingers of my right hand in a “W.”

“Don’t ‘whatever’ me,” he said with a grin. “The hotness of my ass is a well-documented fact.”

That was the truth, but I wasn’t about to admit it. We had just settled back into the ease of our previous relationship prior to the great boner fiasco. I wasn’t about to ruin that now. “In answer to your question,” I began. “I think I’ve always known deep down I was attracted to other boys. I guess it’s the same way you or other straight guys know you’re attracted to other girls. It’s just a part of you. It’s not really something you question.”

“Have you ever been with another guy?”

“I’ve never had a boyfriend, if that’s what you’re asking,” I said. “I have kissed a boy before, but that was in the second grade.”