Believe Like a Child (8 page)

When she got back to the Travelodge, Alessa went straight to her room and locked the door behind her. She undressed and took a lukewarm shower, as the Travelodge didn’t seem to be very generous with their supply of hot water. She started planning out her next steps while washing herself. She would, she decided, get up early the next morning and head over to her apartment. She would buy the
Philadelphia Enquirer
and go through the “Help Wanted” section. Once she was through with that, she would spend the day cleaning her new apartment.

By the time she was dressed, it was almost five-thirty p.m. Famished from not having eaten all day, Alessa headed out to Chinatown, where colorful signs and lights lined the streets. The aroma of the food was simply irresistible and made her mouth water. Having no clue as to which restaurant would be the right one to choose, Alessa followed three young couples into the House of Chen. She was greeted by a short Asian woman in her mid-fifties, who seated her immediately at a table in the small first-floor dining room.

After dinner, Alessa walked back to the motel slowly, taking in the sights of the city. Although it was, for the most part, dirty and life seemed fast-paced, people seemed to enjoy being there anyway. On her way back, she passed the homeless men lined up for the night at St. John’s Hospice. They were chatting among themselves and sharing stories. They may not have had a home to return to, but Alessa got the impression that they had each other and drew comfort from that fact. She wondered if her perception was based on reality or merely the outcome of her desire to believe that these broken people had something to fall back on, a form of bonding and kinship that would provide them with emotional sustenance. As she watched them, she wondered if these destitute men could find friends and a sense of family in each other’s company, maybe she too could, one day, find the happiness that continued to elude her.

Alessa went back into the Travelodge to call Zoe and tell her about the progress she had made since they parted ways at the Norristown train station. Zoe sounded pleased that Alessa had found an apartment so quickly.

“Did anyone from my family get in touch with you and ask about me?” Alessa asked a little apprehensively.

“No,” Zoe replied. “I haven’t heard a word from them. But Alessa, I want you to be careful. I don’t know much about the city, but I do know that North Philadelphia has a reputation for being tough. Don’t trust anyone and keep your door locked at night.”

“Okay, Zoe, I will,” Alessa reassured her. “I’ll call you tomorrow night after I get settled into the apartment. Maybe you’ll be able to come over and visit me soon. We could spend some time together in the city.”

“Sure, that sounds nice,” Zoe said.

When she had hung up the phone, Alessa changed into Rhonda’s favorite tee shirt. It was a garment she had slept in many times, but wearing it now, she felt closer to her dead friend. She slid under the covers and fell asleep to the sounds of the television on the dresser at the foot of her bed. She didn’t dream at all that night. She was finally about to start a new life for herself—with a clean slate. No one here knew who she was or of her shortcomings. Tomorrow, Sunday, was offering her the chance to start anew.

She woke up the next morning, brimming with excitement. Ready to get her new life on track, she prepared for the new day that, she wanted to believe, would mark the beginning of progress and hope. She was sure some part of her life, at least, was going to get better.

Chapter Nine

C
arrying her purse and her duffle bag, Alessa checked out of the Travelodge and took the bus to Dauphin Street. When she got to her apartment building, she climbed to the top of the steps where Lea was waiting for her with two keys—one for the front door and the other for her apartment. Propped next to the door of Lea’s apartment were a bucket, a mop and cleaning detergents.

Lea motioned toward them and said, “Here is some stuff you can use to clean up the place with. Just make sure I get it all back after you’re done. That stuff cost money, ya know.”

Alessa’s heart felt light as she took everything up to the second floor. She unlocked the door to her first apartment and stepped inside the filthy, dingy kitchen. Nothing could break her spirit today. If necessary, she would scrub and clean until her hands fell off. This was her home now. For the first time ever, Alessa was in charge of her life and it was an invigorating feeling.

When she finished cleaning several hours later and looked at her watch, it was already two-thirty p.m. Remembering that she had nothing but a donut and a cup of coffee she bought from the street vendor outside the Travelodge, she quickly put her clothes away, locked the door and headed for the Dauphin Mini Market she had spotted while getting off at the bus stop. It was only two blocks from her new home and she was sure she could find a quick bite to eat there. On the way, she walked past groups of young people. Some of them looked like teenagers, but others seemed to be in their twenties. It was immediately obvious to her that other than Lea, she was the only white person on Dauphin Street.

As she navigated her way through small clusters of people, Alessa heard the guys heckling her and felt the girls looking her up-and-down with morbid hatred. Ignoring everyone around her and clinging to her purse, she pushed ahead in the direction of the mini mart.
Don’t let them see that you’re afraid,
she kept telling herself.
If they find out, they’ll bother you even more.
Easier said than done, though. These people were intimidating, to say the least. No one smiled at her. On the contrary, everyone looked like they wanted to bash her brains in. Once inside the mini mart, which now seemed a safer haven than a ten-by-twelve-foot room reeking of rotting cheese, Alessa bought just enough groceries for the next three or four days, mindful of the fact that she would run out of money if she went overboard.

Having paid for her purchases, she made her way through the heavy glass door protected with black iron bars, only to come up against a wall of six teenagers who stood barring her way. The tallest of them, a gangly guy with gold front teeth, slithered closer and said, “Whatcha got there, girl? You gonna cook me somethin’ good to eat? I could use some loving and I ain’t never had me none of that white meat before.” He turned to his friends and asked, “You think this young girl is sweeter than the meat we get around here?”

One of the boys yelled back, “I don’t know, Tag, but after you have some of it, I’ll get me some too!”

Alessa’s heart was pounding so hard she thought it would jump out of her chest. She looked about her frantically and noticed an elderly black woman coming out of the mini mart. Alessa prayed she would stand up for her, but the woman didn’t so much as acknowledge either the girl or the boys who were heckling her; it was as if they were all invisible.

Trying to sound self-assured and assertive, Alessa said to the boys, “I have to go. Please let me through. I have had enough shit this weekend and I just can’t take anymore. Please just leave me alone.”

At her words, the tall black guy laughed and said, “You go on tonight, girl. We want you to settle into the neighborhood, but we’ll be around and looking to test out watcha got between those fine legs of yours.”

He moved to the side and Alessa bolted through. She ran all the way to her apartment building, holding her breath until she was safely inside with her groceries. Once she had shut the front door behind her, she took a deep, ragged breath. She realized this would be tougher than she had initially thought. These people made Denise from the Rope look like a fucking saint.

Alessa cooked herself macaroni and cheese and drank her orange soda as she plotted her job-hunt plan for Monday morning. Judging by the apparently aimless young people who hung around the neighborhood, it didn’t look like there was much by way of employment near where she was living.

In the morning, she had to change buses once to get back into Philadelphia, putting in applications everywhere from McDonald’s in Center City to a drugstore in South Philly. She was thankful she could use Rhonda’s cell-phone number on her applications as a call-back number. After putting in her last application at Wendy’s, she got a newspaper to guide her through her search the following day. She caught the last bus back to North Philadelphia and raced back to her apartment from the bus stop, desperate to dodge the group of guys who had scared the shit out her the day before.

After she was settled in for the evening, she dialed Zoe’s number. Alessa’s heart fluttered at the sound of her voice when she answered the call.

“Hi Zoe, it’s me.”

“Hey, listen. Your mom was here looking for you. She is mad as hell. She said that if I saw you, I was to tell you to get home. I don’t think she suspected anything, but she kept eyeing me up and watching my reaction. She finally left, but said she would be back to see if you had come by.”

“Oh God, Zoe, I’m sorry! My mom is a monster and she gets really ugly with people sometimes. Just keep telling her you haven’t seen me, okay?”

“Okay, but you’ll need to be careful. She didn’t seem worried that you were gone, but angry as hell that you weren’t there.”

“Yeah, because I’m her meal ticket and she knows it. Uncle Danny gets to have whatever he wants from me and she knows that as long as he’s happy, he will keep on living there and paying her rent. I don’t know which one of them I hate more—my uncle or my mother.”

Zoe had no words to console her. She was out of her element in this situation. She would have done anything to protect her own daughter from the kind of situation Alessa had been trapped in. She couldn’t imagine a mother turning a blind eye to what was happening to her child in her own home.

Finally, Zoe said, “Listen, sweetheart. You need to focus on the future. You can’t waste time thinking about your mother and your uncle anymore. They are scumbags by anybody’s standards. You need to focus on yourself. Did you manage to find any work today?”

“No, not really,” Alessa replied. “I put in a lot of applications and everyone said they would call, if they were interested. I have some more places to go to tomorrow and I will just keep on applying until I find something.”

“Good. Keep up the good work. You deserve all great things in life, Alessa, and some day, you will have them. I’m sure of it. I need to go now, though. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Zoe? I wanted to thank you for what you’ve done for me over the last few days. Also, for all the fun times we had with Rhonda. I didn’t have anyone to turn to on Saturday and you really came through for me. You didn’t have to do what you did and I’ll always remember your kindness.”

“No problem,” Zoe said, trying to sound brisk. But her voice broke as she said, “I am glad I could help you, Alessa. Good night, sweetheart.”

Alessa lay on her bed and cried. For the first time in years, she started brooding over the things that her Uncle Danny had done to her. Things she had grown so accustomed to and reconciled herself to with such passive acceptance that she had almost lost all sense of the tragedy her life had turned into because of it. But now, all alone, she was able to weep for the years she had lost, the childhood that had been destroyed forever and the loneliness and sense of alienation it had created, leaving a permanent ache in her heart. She thought of the hollow place that separated her from her mother, Caterina, who, irony of ironies, was the youngest of fourteen children, while her own daughter, Alessa, sat all alone in a strange apartment, with no one to help her, except for Zoe, the very woman Caterina had abused and maligned.

Someday, Alessa hoped to have a family of her own. She would love and cherish her children, keeping them close and safe. She would be the mother that Caterina had been incapable of being, because selfishness had prevented her from becoming anything to anyone. For Alessa, the healing process had already begun. She was about to find out who she was and what she was made of. She was no longer the little girl at the mercy of the world, waiting to take orders and please others. Or so she thought.

Chapter Ten

T
he next day, Alessa was back on the bus that would take her into Center City. She visited a couple of fast-food restaurants and low-end retail stores to fill out more applications. By the end of the day, she was exhausted. She could barely remember the names of all the stores she had applied to, but had a feeling that one was bound to call back. As she boarded the bus to Dauphin Street, she noticed the boys who had heckled her outside the mini mart sitting in the back. They began to hoot and holler at her, as she picked a seat as close to the driver as she could get. The other people riding the bus pretended to be oblivious to her predicament. No one wanted to get involved, and in the process, divert the boys’ attention to themselves.

The bus began to empty as they drew closer to Dauphin Street. The boys crept closer to where Alessa was sitting. Her palms began to sweat, as the tall boy they called Tag yelled out, “So now, how about some of that sweet meat we been talkin’ ’bout? Hell girl, we even been dreamin’ about what you got waiting for us between those legs. Why don’t you do us a favor and pull that skirt up and show us what you got goin’ on under there. If you let each of us take a turn at giving you a feel up under that skirt, we’ll leave you alone—for now. Deal?”

To Alessa’s embarrassment and relief, she threw up all over herself. The boys started laughing and howling at her. One of Tag’s drones hollered, “You stupid bitch! We ain’t want nothing from you now. But next time we come to see you, if you throw up, we’ll make you eat that motherfuckin’ slop.”

Alessa heard soft laughter from a couple of rows ahead of her on the other side of the bus. When she looked over, a young black woman was watching her. She went on laughing quietly to herself, as the boys withdrew to the back of the bus, still taunting Alessa about what was to come. She looked at the young woman with wide, imploring eyes, hoping for some compassion, an empathetic response to her plight. But she just turned away and continued to look out the front window of the bus. Alessa realized that on the streets of North Philadelphia, no one had any mercy to spare. It seemed as though people were just plain relieved not to be a target themselves.

Alessa put little effort into cleaning the vomit off the front of her outfit. She figured it would serve as a form of protection, like wearing garlic around her neck to keep the vampires away. No one wanted her “sweet meat”, if it meant going through a layer of puke to get to it.
Motherfuckers,
Alessa thought,
I hope they all choke in their sleep. Fucking bastards.
Just because she was young, white and poor didn’t mean she had any lack of experience in knowing how to hate. She just hated these guys. All she wanted was to be left alone so she could restart her life.

When she got off the bus, Alessa practically ran to her apartment. She saw the young black woman watching her from the bus and wondered if she were right in assuming that just maybe, there was a hint of empathy in her eyes, but she didn’t stick around to find out for sure.

At four o’clock that afternoon, her cell phone rang. Alessa looked at the screen and noticed a 215 area code. She knew it wasn’t Zoe and quickly answered, hoping it was a job offer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I’m Brady, the manager of the Dollar Store. You applied for a position here.”

“Hi. Yes, I did.”

“Okay. Well, can you come in tomorrow at ten a.m. for an interview?”

“Of course. I will see you at ten. Thank you.”

“Yeah, see you at ten.” The phone went dead.

Alessa was ecstatic that she had been called for an interview within just two days of submitting her applications. She called Zoe and told her about it. Zoe gave her some pointers on her interview: what to wear, not to repeat “like” after every few words, refrain from chewing gum and a bunch of other things that Alessa believed would give her the edge she needed to nail the job.

She caught the nine-o’clock bus to the Dollar Store on Broad Street. She wasn’t sure what to expect; this was the first job interview she’d ever been to. She was nervous and eager to get on with it. She arrived well ahead of the scheduled time and ducked into a local coffee shop to wait until it was closer to ten o’clock. Shortly before ten, she got up and walked over to the store.

As she entered, two women in their late twenties were working the registers in front. There was a guy around the same age stocking shelves. None of them seemed to notice her as she walked in. She approached the woman at the register closest to her and said, “Hi, my name is Alessa. I’m here for an interview with Mr. Brady.”

One of the woman said, “Yeah, he’s in the office in the back. Walk down this aisle. The door is on the far right. He’s an asshole. Good luck.”

Alessa’s whole world was filled with assholes. Would one more matter?

She knocked on the office door and out popped a small, pudgy man in his mid-fifties. He was no more than five feet tall and the bulge around his stomach thrust through his shirt so that rolls of fat flowed over one another and were visible through the gaps between the buttons. His eyes, sunken deep into their sockets, were set too close together and sleaze seemed to ooze from his pores. The smell of stale coffee filled the air when he spoke, making Alessa’s stomach gurgle in disgust.

“Yeah, you Alessa?” Brady asked.

“I am. Nice to meet you.”

Alessa held out her hand and received a limp handshake. Brady led her into his office and shut the door behind them. She sat on an overused chair with torn upholstery, making a mental note not to touch her face until she had thoroughly washed her hands.

“So, have you ever worked retail before?”

“No, but I really want to learn. I’m sure I can be good at it. I’m very good with people,” Alessa lied.

Brady sized her up. “You know, we are open from eight a.m. to nine p.m. every day. So your hours will vary. You have any issues with that?”

“No, I am available any time. The more hours I can get, the better.”

Brady read over her application and said, “I see you will be seventeen this Saturday. You in high school?”

Alessa lied again. “No. Actually, I am studying for my GED. My parents died in a car accident a few months ago. They didn’t have any money. So I needed to quit high school to get a job to support myself. I don’t have any other family.”

“Yeah, that’s too bad. As long as you don’t let your personal issues screw up my scheduling, I don’t care. I can start you tomorrow, if you want. The job pays minimum wage, which is $3.35 an hour. I can probably give you forty hours a week. There are no benefits, but you get a half-hour for lunch and two fifteen-minute breaks for an eight-hour shift. I need you on second shift for the rest of this week, including Saturday. Second shift is noon to closing. I’ll have one of the other girls teach you how to close.”

Alessa was so excited she readily agreed to all his conditions.

As she was on her way out, one of the cashiers asked, “So, are you gonna work here?”

“Yes, I start tomorrow on the second shift.”

“Good,” the woman responded. “We need someone to cover that awful shift. Since we have seniority, you had better get used to working it.”

Alessa left feeling relieved that she had found a job. Minimum wage was enough to cover her rent and still leave her with a couple hundred dollars a month for groceries. Things were starting to fall into place for her. She got off the city bus at Fifth and Dauphin. Then she noticed the young black woman she had seen on the bus the day before.

Alessa approached her and said, “Hello.”

The young woman was stunningly beautiful. Her skin, not much darker than Alessa’s olive tone, was flawless. She had beautiful almond-shaped eyes, a slender nose and full pink lips. Her hair was jet black and shoulder-length, with soft brown highlights. She was thin, with perfectly shaped breasts, and a plunging neckline showed off their fullness.

The young black girl looked Alessa up and down before deciding to respond. “Hi. Ain’t you that girl who puked on the bus the other day?”

Alessa blushed, feeling a bit of a fool. “Yeah,” she admitted, “that was me. I don’t know what happened. I just got so scared, it flew out of me.”

“Well, my name is Tasha and those boys are real bad news. They don’t fuck with me, because they know my brother will kill ’em. There ain’t much you can do about it, but try to avoid ’em. They aren’t just fuckin’ with ya; they would actually do the stuff they were threatening you with. They roam around here causing trouble for whoever is in their path. So don’t take it personal. You live down at old lady Lea’s house, don’t you?”

“Yes, it was the only place I could find that I can afford. I just got a job at the dollar store on Broad Street.”

Tasha laughed and Alessa felt mortified. The girl must have thought she was pathetic.

“Okay,” she said, backing away, “well, maybe I’ll see you around. Nice to meet you.” Alessa retreated a few steps before realizing she hadn’t introduced herself. She turned around again and said, “I’m Alessa, by the way.”

As she walked away, Tasha yelled back, “Remember what I told you about those goons! Just stay away from em!”

Tasha felt sorry for the girl. She looked like she didn’t have anyone in the world. And she was so fucking naïve! She wondered if Alessa would make it through the week in this neighborhood. People didn’t live here without some kind of protection. She knew Alessa had no idea that she was living in a hell on earth.

Around dinnertime, Tasha’s curiosity got the better of her and she walked down to old lady Lea’s place, looking for Alessa. When she knocked on the front door, Lea opened it just a crack and said, “What do you want?”

“I am here to see Alessa. Can you get her for me or let me in?”

“Wait here. I don’t want any trouble coming into my house.”

Lea shut the door behind her and a couple of minutes later, Alessa came to the front door. She stepped out onto the broken porch and was surprised to see Tasha.

“Hey, what’s up?” Tasha said. “I just stopped by to see if you wanted to go down to Kentucky Fried Chicken and get some dinner. I was on my way there and thought you might want to come.”

Alessa almost wet herself in her excitement. “Okay, let me grab some money and I’ll be right back down.”

She reappeared within minutes and the two girls started walking down to the restaurant. Tasha talked about her family. Alessa discovered that Tasha’s mother was white, while her father was black. The mix explained her beautiful complexion and fine features. Tasha told Alessa that her older brother, Harlin, was all white. Her mother had been married before to some Irish asshole and had lived in South Philly before he almost beat her to death. Then she had met Tasha’s father and married him. Tasha was the only kid from that marriage. She also revealed that her brother was a badass motherfucker nobody in North Philly would ever dare mess with. Harlin and the gang he hung with were tough and didn’t take shit from anybody.

When they got to Kentucky Fried Chicken, Tasha pulled out a big roll of cash to pay for her dinner. Alessa couldn’t help but notice how much money she was carrying and blurted out, “Where did you get all that money?”

“I sell pot for Harlin,” she replied nonchalantly, “and he takes good care of me. Some of this is from a couple of big sales I made before I got to your apartment and some of it is mine. I’m meeting Harlin after we’re done eating to give him his money and get more dope. You want to come with me?”

Alessa had smoked dope once or twice at the Rope, but had never known anyone who sold it. “Sure,” she said.

After dinner, they walked to a row home in the six-hundred block of Dauphin Street. Alessa observed that the front door and windows were barred and even the second-floor windows had bars on them. The row home on the right was boarded up. The one on the left was rundown, but there were lights on inside. Tasha knocked and a man answered the door. He was muscular and nearly six feet four inches tall. Alessa couldn’t stop staring at him. He had large green eyes, shaped like Tasha’s, and light brown shoulder-length hair. He had a strong face, with a well-defined chin and jaw. He flashed Tasha a broad smile, showing off his perfect teeth. For the first time since she had met Carl, all Alessa could think about was how much she wanted Tasha’s brother to lean over and kiss her.

Tasha pointed to Alessa. “This is Alessa, a new friend of mine.” Then gesturing toward her brother, she told Alessa, “This is my brother, Harlin.”