Believe Like a Child (29 page)
R
emo took Alessa to the Moshulu, a boat restaurant on the Delaware River at Penn’s Landing. She couldn’t get over how beautiful the place was, with its rich upscale wood furniture and classy clientele. For a moment, Alessa felt awkward and inadequate in her second-hand dress.
Sensing her nervousness, Remo leaned toward her and murmured, “You are the most beautiful woman in here tonight.”
Alessa smiled brilliantly at him, thankful to be standing next to this man who had become such a good friend and—hopefully, if there was a God—her boyfriend. After a short wait, they were seated at a table next to a window that looked out over the river. The ambiance was just right. They both ordered surf and turf for the special occasion and just enjoyed being with each other. The evening would have been perfect, but for the nagging question that still troubled Alessa: should she tell Remo about her past or not?
After dinner, the two of them strolled along Penn’s Landing, talking and laughing. They had paused to gaze at the river when Remo took her gently by the shoulders, turned her to face him and kissed her softly. The moment his lips touched hers, Alessa felt as though her body was going to completely melt away. She’d never wanted to kiss anyone the way she wanted to kiss Remo. Afterward, they walked slowly back to his car. Once they were seated in it, he asked if she would like to go back to his apartment for a glass of wine. Not wanting the evening to come to an end, Alessa agreed without hesitation.
Remo lived in a one-bedroom apartment on Walnut Street in Rittenhouse Square. It was simple, yet classy, in a masculine sort of way. Walls, upholstery and accent pieces in warm shades of blue, green and beige created an understated effect that was soothing. After he had given her a quick tour of his apartment, the two of them went into the small living room and sat on the large brown sofa that was so soft and comfortable it made Alessa feel as though she were sitting on an enormous pillow.
Remo poured them each a glass of wine. As he handed it to her, he quipped, “I’m a criminal now, giving alcohol to a nineteen-year-old.”
Alessa laughed. “Listen,” she said, “if I can raise a kid and live through therapy with someone as tough as you, I deserve a glass of wine.”
Remo looked at her playfully. “Oh really, now you’re saying I was tough? Well, if I was, it was only because you needed me to be tough.”
They both laughed and Remo leaned over and kissed her again. She felt just like she had when he’d kissed her not even an hour ago. She wanted the feeling to last forever, afraid that if they stopped, she might never get it back again. As they pulled away from each other, she gave him a slight push and put her hand flat against his chest, as if to hold him back.
“What is it? I thought you were attracted to me. Am I wrong?” he asked, surprised.
“No, you’re not,” she said. “Of course I’m attracted to you. It’s just that you don’t know anything about me or my past. I don’t want to take this too far, before you know the truth about me. It would not only be wrong to do, it would hurt us both.”
“Okay, so tell me about your past,” Remo said.
Alessa told him her story about the rapes and the beating that had brought them together in the first place. She didn’t spare him a single detail, right from how the boys had targeted Lucy and she had had to talk them into taking her instead. She explained that she had just assumed they would move on, if she gave them what they wanted. She had never expected to be beaten that way. However, if she had it to do all over again, she would. She would do anything to keep Lucy safe.
“I knew you were beaten,” Remo said quietly. “We had heard that much, but none of us knew the whole story. My God, Alessa, this is just awful! Lucy is lucky to have a sister like you. She might have been killed, if they had gotten their hands on her. You took that all on yourself. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a love more pure than what you feel for Lucy.”
Alessa was grateful for his kind words, but couldn’t help wondering if he now felt differently about her. Remo urged her to tell him the rest of her story. Alessa took a deep breath. Then she began telling him about her lost childhood, her sordid experiences as an exotic dancer, and the many, many men who had paid her for sex. She described the nature of her relationship with Harlin and finally, her life as a homeless teen and how she had met Lucy. She gave him every detail of the events that had overtaken her over the years and the emotions they had aroused in her, as each chapter of her life unfolded before him. There was nothing Alessa wanted to hold back from him. She knew that if he decided to move on after hearing her out, she would be hurt, but not devastated. The time to tell him was now.
When she finished, her eyes met Remo’s. He was looking at her, stunned. She assumed their relationship was over, even before it had started, but felt she had done the right thing, despite the acute embarrassment it had caused her.
But it was Alessa’s turn to be surprised when Remo told her gently, “I didn’t think I could be more impressed than I already was by your desire to make a better life for yourself and Lucy. But this, Alessa! This is just unbelievable! You have been through so much! No child should ever be treated the way you were. I don’t blame you for running away from your home. Do you know how brave and strong you are? I mean, here you are, having survived the most traumatic childhood and events that are no less horrific, and you still look at life with such abiding hope.”
“You think I’m brave?” Alessa said uncertainly, “I thought you might think I’m a slut, but not brave, by any means!”
Remo gently took her in his arms. “Alessa,” he said tenderly, “you did what you needed to do to come out the other side alive. All your past experiences have gone into making you who you are today. I think you are a warm and loving person, capable of doing anything you set your mind on. I’m going to be completely honest with you; what you have just told me is a lot to take in, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. If anything at all, it just confirms that you have an immeasurable reserve of strength. The fact that you have been taking care of Lucy, as if she were your own, is so incredibly heartwarming.”
Then Remo bent down and pressed his lips against hers in a long, slow kiss. Alessa thought she would faint from the emotions that overwhelmed her. She had never felt like this with a man before. She had never even wanted a man before now. In the frame of mind she found herself in now, the whole evening seemed surreal to her. It was perfect and so were the people in her life: Remo and Lucy. Her life was starting to belong to her again and this new feeling was something she never wanted to lose.
They didn’t make love that night, even though they felt so close after having shared so much with each other and were aware of the powerful emotions playing within them.
When Remo took Alessa home, it was well past three in the morning. He stood at her door and kissed her, then just held her for several more minutes. By the way he was embracing her, she assumed that this was the last she would see of him. He was offering one final goodbye.
As she turned and unlocked her door, Remo bent down and whispered in her ear, “I’m a really good cook. Are you and Lucy free for dinner tomorrow night?”
Ecstatic, Alessa couldn’t help, but squeal, “We would love to come for dinner! Are you sure? Look, I laid a lot of shit on you. Shit that most people wouldn’t be able to handle. I’m no saint. Please don’t do this just to be nice.”
“Who ’da fuck you callin’ nice?” Remo joked in his fake South Philly accent. “I ain’t no nice guy!” Then he grew serious. “Alessa, your past is horrible. I mean, truly horrible. I’ve never known anyone who has had to live through what you did. But only an idiot would think it was your fault. You did what you needed to do to get to this point in your life. Period. End of story. Besides,” he added, ending on a light note, “I don’t do sympathy dinners.”
Alessa laughed. “You’re a very special person, you know? I’m glad that I told you everything. I feel so much better now that you know. Goodnight. Lucy and I will see you tomorrow.”
When she entered her apartment, Ebby looked up from the book she was reading. “Well,” she inquired, “I assume everything went off well?”
Alessa performed a few dance steps for her. “Yeah, it did. I told him everything, Ebby. Then he asked me if he could cook dinner for Lucy and me tomorrow night.” Alessa was jumping up and down and clapping her hands together. “Oh my God, Ebby, he’s such a good kisser!” she said breathlessly, reliving the moment. I’ve never kissed anyone before because I genuinely felt something for the guy. I can’t believe how awesome the real thing can be! By the way, I got to see his apartment too. It’s really nice.” Then she noticed Ebby’s furrowed brow and said, “We didn’t fuck, if that’s what you’re worrying about. God, Ebby, you have such a dirty mind!”
Ebby looked at her young friend gravely. “I’m very relieved you didn’t
make love
to him. This isn’t a man you’re going to
fuck,
Alessa. This is someone special, maybe even your first real love.”
Alessa sat down on the sofa close to Ebby, so close, in fact, that she was practically sitting on top of her. “Yeah, that’s right,” she said, “we didn’t
make love
or fuck like rabbits.” Then she started tickling Ebby.
“You are exhausting, Alessa,” she said with mock-seriousness. “Remind me to teach you some manners next week.”
They both giggled. Neither had ever had a friend whom they loved more than they did each other.
T
he next couple of weeks were like a dream. Alessa couldn’t believe how much she had missed by never dating anyone seriously before. If Alessa and Remo weren’t together—which they were at least five nights a week—they were talking to each other on the phone for hours. They discussed her past more than anything else. Remo asked a lot of questions. Not because he was looking to unearth more secrets that she might have kept from him, but because her life had been so bizarre and strewn with difficulties that it made him curious as to how she had made it through at all. He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around all of the details yet. Although two whole years older than her, he felt as if she were far more mature than he and others his age could ever be.
One Saturday night, Remo took her to the Irish Pub in the city to meet his friends. Alessa was nervous about the impression she would create. The two of them entered the bar and following Remo’s gesture, Alessa began making her way to the table where his friends sat waiting, along with the girlfriends a few of them had brought along. As the two of them approached the table, she found herself stiffening with tension. For there, among Remo’s friends, was a man she recognized as a client from the go-go club in the city. She didn’t know much about him, except that he had been a frequent visitor, and she recalled performing several lap dances for him. She could see from the knowing look he gave her that he had recognized her immediately. Sensing her sudden withdrawal, Remo looked at Alessa. He knew his friend frequented the go-go clubs and had, before long, figured out that he might have been a customer at the one where Alessa had worked.
Remo excused himself and Alessa for a moment and led her to the bar. He ordered a soda for her and a beer for himself.
“What’s going on, Alessa?” he asked. “You know my friend from the go-go club, right?”
Alessa was mortified beyond belief. It had not occurred to her that she might run into former clients when she was with Remo. “Yeah, I do” she confessed. “I feel really awkward. He used to pay me to perform a lot of lap dances for him.”
“Okay. Did you ever have sex with him?”
The very fact that she was being asked this question, by her boyfriend, made Alessa feel like a worm, “No, never,” she answered quietly, “just lap dances. But he has seen me naked. The last club I worked at, I had to dance in the nude.”
Remo’s response surprised her. “Well, good,” he said matter-of-factly. “Then he knows how lucky I am to have a woman as hot as you. I hope he’s jealous. Just relax, okay? Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks and neither should you.”
Alessa rose on tiptoe and planted a wet kiss on his cheek. “It amazes me how all of this doesn’t get to you. Don’t you feel ashamed of me?”
Remo looked taken aback. “Ashamed?” he asked. “Ashamed that you danced naked somewhere? Why would I feel ashamed? Listen, until other people walk in your shoes and live your life, they can’t know or understand anything about you. So just relax.”
When they went back to the group, they quickly joined in the conversation. The girlfriends noticed that Alessa was different. She was quiet and didn’t wear particularly stylish clothes. She was attractive in a unique way, but it was the way she connected with all the men that annoyed them the most. It was as if she fit right into their world effortlessly. Remo seemed extremely pleased with his catch and set the girls wondering why he had picked Alessa over all the others he had dated.
After catching up with his friends, the two of them eventually left the bar and went back to Remo’s apartment to hang out. They had known each other for four months since Alessa started her therapy, but had been dating seriously for almost a month. Remo started kissing her on the sofa. Before they knew it, they had stripped down to their underwear and moved into his bedroom. It was clear they both knew what they wanted from each other.
Yet, Remo asked Alessa, “Are you okay with this? I don’t want to move too quickly for you.”
She merely smiled and kissed him back passionately. When he unhooked her bra and saw her bare, perfectly round breasts, he could barely control himself. But he took it slowly, aware that Alessa had never had sex with a man that involved passion or her own pleasure. He was sensitive to her feelings as he slid her panties down and dropped them off the side of the bed. Then he ran his hand down her breast, softly over her belly and finally slipped his fingers between her legs. Alessa let out a silky soft purr and Remo took it as confirmation that he should go ahead.
They continued to passionately explore each other’s bodies, each finding pleasure in giving the other pleasure.
Remo looked at Alessa and asked, “You okay?”
Her dazed response was, “Yeah, I’ve never felt like this before. Don’t stop. Please.”
As Remo entered her for the first time, she felt sensations and emotions she had never experienced before with other men coursing through her body. It was as wonderful as it was exciting. They were completely caught up in each other. When they finally came, they lay back on the bed, spent.
“I’ve never had an orgasm with a man before,” Alessa confessed.
Remo propped himself up on his elbow. “Are you serious? You’ve never had an orgasm?”
Alessa smiled. “No, I said I never had one with a man before.”
For the first time since he had known her, Remo looked concerned. “Are you telling me you’re gay?”
Alessa laughed out loud. “No, I’m not gay, but I’ve only had one orgasm in my life. My best friend in high school gave it to me. I told her I’d never had one and she, you know, did whatever, until I did. It was purely educational and nothing like what I just experienced with you.”
Remo smiled. “I guess that’s not a bad friend to have. When will I meet her?”
Alessa’s eyes clouded. “Rhonda died when we were teenagers. Remember, I told you how her mother, Zoe, helped me? Rhonda was shot dead by the wife of one of her mother’s boyfriends.”
Remo scooped Alessa into his arms, “I do remember. I just don’t remember the orgasm story, but it’s certainly interesting.”
They held each other tight and an hour later, they made love again. This time, it was just as good, if not better than the first time.
The next morning, Remo drove her to Ebby’s house to pick up Lucy who had stayed there the previous night. The little girl came running out into the kitchen to give them both suffocating hugs.
“How come you guys didn’t take me with you last night?” she inquired crossly. “I had fun here with Ebby, but she could have come too. Ryan probably wouldn’t have come, because he likes to stay home and watch television.”
“We went somewhere young kids aren’t allowed to go,” Alessa explained, “but I think it’s time for Remo to cook for us again. What do you think, Lucy?”
Remo grabbed hold of the child and started to tickle her. She giggled uncontrollably, but when he stopped, she shrieked, “Tickle me again, Remo!”
Ebby looked on, hoping that these three perfect human beings would, one day, become a single family unit.