Believe Like a Child (32 page)
T
he next morning, Patrick called the apartment. Alessa answered the phone.
“Hi Alessa, this is Patrick. Did you have a good time yesterday?” “I had a great time,” she replied, with more enthusiasm than she had felt about the occasion.
“Good. Glad to hear it. Is Remo around?”
A few seconds later, Remo was on the phone. “Hey Dad, what’s up?” he asked.
Exercising as much tact as he was capable of, Patrick told him how his neighbor had issued a veiled warning about Alessa. “He doesn’t think she is the right girl for you,” he went on. “Said he could see something wasn’t right about her.”
Laughing, Remo confided in his father, sharing the story he had heard about the man from Alessa the night before.
“Okay, I see,” Patrick said matter-of-factly. “Now that makes more sense. But son, you do realize that this is the kind of stuff you will need to deal with, if you live with Alessa. You need to be sure you can handle her past. If you can’t, then living with her wouldn’t be fair to either of you and especially not to Lucy, who would be caught in the crossfire.”
Remo sighed. “I know. The truth is, Dad, I don’t have an issue with her past. I dated a lot of girls who did the same thing as Alessa. They just didn’t do it for money. They did it because they wanted to. I love Alessa. She is my soul mate. I just feel whole, when I am with her.”
Alessa, who had overheard Remo’s side of the conversation, figured the neighbor had said something derogatory about her to Patrick. Remo hung up the phone and walked across the kitchen to take her in his arms. Within seconds, Lucy had walked in on them.
Remo yelled instantly, “Group hug!”
Lucy lunged into the two of them and the three clung to each other in the middle of the kitchen floor for several minutes.
While they were all laughing and embracing, the phone rang again. Remo reached over and picked it up. His expression turned serious as he turned to Alessa.
“It’s your sister, Rosabella,” he said. “She’s crying.”
He led Lucy out of the kitchen to give Alessa her privacy as she took the phone. Hearing Rosabella sob, she figured her sister’s boyfriend had been beating her again.
“Alessa,” Rosabella said in a muffled voice, “Dad died. He had a heart attack last night and they rushed him to the hospital. He died about forty-five minutes ago.”
Alessa stood holding the phone, not sure what she should say. She didn’t feel tearful or even sad. She felt nothing at all. She found herself consumed by guilt, however, for being unable to share her sister’s grief. She pulled herself together and consoled Rosabella, assuming that at least she was doing her sisterly duty.
Then her older sibling asked, “Can you come to Mom’s house tomorrow? We will all be there. There’s no way I can get through this without you there, Alessa.”
Alessa reluctantly agreed, but regretted it immediately. As she hung up the phone, Remo came back into the kitchen with Lucy.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
Alessa was trembling like she had been standing naked in the cold for a while. “Rosabella called to tell me my father had just died.”
“Oh Alessa, I’m so sorry,” Remo said, rushing over to console her.
Alessa looked at him expressionlessly. “Yeah, I appreciate that and all, but the thing is, I just let Rosabella talk me into going to my mother’s house tomorrow. What the fuck was I thinking?”
“Don’t worry, Alessa,” Lucy chimed in bravely, “You don’t have to go alone. I’ll go with you.”
“Me too,” Remo jumped in quickly.
“I haven’t seen my family in four years,” Alessa explained. “My mother, that fucking whore, will be there and so will my Uncle Danny. How the hell can I go back there? I promised Rosabella I’d show up, but I don’t want to go at all. I left that family behind a long time ago.”
“Well, look,” Remo suggested, “we don’t have to stay long. Lucy and I will protect you, right, Luce?”
Lucy quickly agreed. “It’ll be fine, Alessa,” she assured her. “You’ll see.”
The next day, they piled into the car and headed to Plymouth Meeting. They had to pick up Rosabella and her daughter, Eva, on the way. Alessa had never met her niece in person and the excitement of seeing her for the first time was the only bright spot in her day.
When they stopped at Rosabella’s she flung open the door, put her arms around Alessa, and held her tight. Alessa loved her sister. Having talked to her on the phone over the past year, she knew her more intimately now than she had during the first sixteen years of her life that they had spent together in the same house.
As they headed for the home Alessa had grown up in, her anxiety levels rose alarmingly. Rosabella had informed their mother that her younger sister would be accompanying her, but confessed to Alessa on the way that this news had elicited no response at all from Caterina.
When they reached the house, Rosabella led the way in, carrying Eva in her arms. Remo and Lucy flanked Alessa on either side. Both of them felt like warriors going into battle to protect their queen. Back in the house she had fled from so many years ago, Alessa immediately felt she didn’t belong. The memory of all the agonies she had suffered during her traumatic childhood came flooding back to haunt her now. The helplessness and the sense of shame she had lived with overtook her, as she looked around the house that hadn’t changed since she had left it four years ago.
Alessa followed her sister into the kitchen and stopped abruptly. Standing directly in front of her was her mother. When their eyes met, Alessa involuntarily moved closer, imagining for a fleeting moment that Caterina would actually come forward and embrace her. She stopped short, however, as her mother’s expression changed to one of sheer disgust.
Caterina’s viciousness oozed from her, as she said, “Oh, so now you decide to come back!
After
he’s dead and gone. Where the hell have you been, girl?”
Alessa’s initial instinct was to ram her fist down her mother’s throat and stop the flow of cruel words. In that moment, she realized that her relationship with her mother had changed forever. Things were different now. She was no longer the girl that Caterina could shit all over. Alessa had grown up. She was braver and bolder now and from her new perspective, her mother was no longer the big, bad wolf. On the contrary, Caterina seemed puny and insignificant, a pathetic creature who had acquired all her power through a game of guilt and manipulation. It was all so clear to Alessa now. For the first time in her life, she understood that her mother hadn’t been strong enough to save her from her uncle. She just didn’t have the resilience or the will power to survive on her own. How could she have protected anyone else? Having discovered how weak Caterina really was, Alessa had no intention now of giving her the chance to bully her again.
“I’ve been off making a life for myself,” she said evenly, in response to her mother’s query. “For the first time, I’m actually living.”
Caterina grunted at her, then stared at Remo and Lucy. “And who are they? What did you do? Find yourself a man that already had a kid? Christ, you really are stupid, a complete idiot!”
Alessa looked at her mother long and hard. Then she said, “They are my family. They are people who love me—unlike you.”
“You ungrateful little bitch!” her mother sneered. “Do you know how much I had to sacrifice for you? For all you damn kids?”
Alessa’s lips curled in a nasty, mocking smile.
“Really?”
she said, infusing the word with as much sarcasm as she could. “How about all the ‘sacrifices’
I
had to make for
you?
You pimped me out to your own brother. You are a horrible woman and I have nothing but hate for you.”
Remo and Lucy quickly gripped Alessa by the arm and led her outside into the sunlight. As they left the kitchen, they heard Caterina yell, “That’s right! Run, you stupid bitch!”
Out on the porch, Alessa began to regain her composure. She hadn’t said all the things she had wanted to, but she didn’t know if this was the right time for it or if there would ever be another opportunity in the future. Rosabella came out to see if her sister was okay. Everyone had heard the exchange between Alessa and their mother and tension ran high in the house.
Just then, Alessa’s oldest sister, Anna, and her brother, Anthony, came out of the house and saw her. Both came forward and wrapped her in warm, welcoming hugs. Alessa introduced them to Remo and Lucy. As she listened to them talking about their father, she felt they were speaking of a stranger she’d never known. He had remained a complete mystery to her, because apart from just being there, he had done so little.
Alessa’s siblings asked her the usual questions about where she was living and what she was doing. No one brought up the subject of her running away from home or not hearing from her in four years. It was business as usual, Alessa thought. Her family had lived in constant denial of reality. A poor family, lost and unsure of how to get back home, they had all just tried to live up to other people’s expectations of them, pretending, both to themselves and to the world, that they were more than they really were. In their pretend world, there was a rose garden and a white picket fence and everything was normal.
By now, Lucy was clutching Alessa’s hand and wasn’t about to let it go. The little girl felt protective about her again and afraid for her, because she could sense the isolation in which Alessa had grown up. Lucy’s mind wandered back to the tragedy of her own life, as Caterina’s older offspring pretended that nothing had happened in the house between their mother and Alessa just minutes ago.
Caterina came to the door to announce that lunch was ready. As Alessa’s siblings started to go back in, Remo said, “We can leave now, if you want. You came and you tried. Maybe we should just go.”
Rosabella overheard him. “No, please stay,” she implored them. “For the first time in my life, I got to see someone stand up to our mother. I need you to stay, at least for lunch. Please?”
Alessa shot Remo and Lucy a brave look and said, “We’ll leave right after lunch.”
As they ate the sandwiches Caterina had prepared, Alessa could sense her mother looking at her curiously. She realized that Caterina didn’t know her anymore and was trying to figure out what her next step should be. Ah, Alessa thought, I backed the bitch into a corner! This was something none of her children had done to her before. She paused for a moment to enjoy a silent celebration.
After lunch, Alessa told Remo they would leave after she had been to the bathroom. Lucy followed her and sat in the rec room, so she could use the bathroom too. Alessa came out in a moment and urged the child to hurry so they could leave. Waiting in the hall for Lucy, she couldn’t help but contemplate with some curiosity the closed door of the room across the hall that had once been her bedroom. It was in that very room that her nightmare had started. She approached it with some trepidation and slowly pushed open the door. It didn’t appear very different from the way she remembered it. The fact that it was unchanged probably had more to do with Caterina’s sheer laziness than with her desire to preserve the memories of a daughter who had disappeared, leaving no trace of her whereabouts.
Alessa stepped into her old bedroom, wondering how it would feel to have good memories of her childhood instead of the ones that had haunted her for so long. But try as she might, she could not obliterate the pain and humiliation of the repeated rapes she had endured in this very room. She walked over to her beat-up dresser. There, on top, was a picture of herself and Rhonda, her only high-school friend. She smiled at the picture, remembering what a good friend Rhonda had been to her.
Suddenly, she felt a hand on her ass. Another had crept up to her left breast. Startled back to reality, she turned to see her Uncle Danny standing there. He was looking at her with a strange mixture of longing and contempt. It was the creepiest look she’d ever seen on a human face.
She quickly jerked herself away from him, but he would not let go.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I locked the door. No one will bother us.”
Terror engulfed her. Alessa’s blood was pulsing through her veins like a high-speed train, as she pushed him away.
He smiled as he came at her again. “Oh, you like it rough now, do you?” he sneered. “Okay, I can do rough.”
He slapped her across the face, sending her crashing back onto the floor. He was on top of her in a moment, pushing her skirt up. She was struggling and thrashing under him to get him off her, when she heard a knock on the door.